Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 48, 23 December 1871, Page 16

Varieties.

At a printers’s festival the following sentiment was proposed : ‘ Woman, second only to the press in dissemination of news.’ What requires more philosophy than to take things as they come ? To part with them as they go of course, when the brokers are in. Many a philosopher, who thought he had au exact knowledge of the whole human race, has been miserably cheated in the choice of a wife. The following criticism was recently passed upon a modern poet: ‘My dear fellow, Poeta nascitur, you are non Jit for publication.’ A young man advertises in a country paper for a place as salesman, and says he has had a great deal of experience, having been discharged from seven different situations within the year. In response to an inquiry of a scientific publication : ‘ Whence come fleas ?’ a Western journal says it does not care a pickle, but would like to know where in thunder they go when you go for them. Gentle Irony. —Crossing Sweeper—Remember the crossing sweeper, sir ! Fiendishly Irritable Person.—Oh Get out, aud be hanged to you ! and don’t kick up such a dust ! Crossing Sweeper. Lor’ now ! There ! If you’d a sent me word as you was a cornin’ I’d a had some tea-leaves laid do-wn ! The Whole Art oe Kissing. —People will kiss, yet not one in a hundred knows how to extract bliss from lovely lips no more than they know how to make diamonds from charcoal. And yet it is easy. This little item is not alone for young beginners, but for the many who go at it like hunting coons or shelling corn. First know whom you are to kiss. Don’t make a mistake, although mistakes may be good. Don’t jump like a trout for a fly, and smack a woman on the neck, or on the end of her nose, or slop over on her waterfall or bonnet ribbon, in haste to get through. The gentleman should be a little the tallest. He should have a clean face, a kind eye, and a mouth full of expression instead of tobacco. Don’t kiss everything, including nasty little dogs, male or female. Don’t sit down to it. Stand up. Need not be anxious to get in a crowd. Two persons are a plenty to corner and catch a kiss. More persons spoil the sport. Stand firm, it won’t hurt any after you are used to it. Take the left hand of the lady in your right hand. Let your hand go to —any place out of the way. Throw the left hand gently over the shoulder of the lady, and let the hand fall down upon the right side, toward the belt. Don’t be in a hurry. Draw her gently to your loving heart. Her head will fall lightly upon your shoulder, and a handsome shoulder strap it makes ! Don’t be in a hurry. Send a little life down your left arm, and let it know its business. Her left baud is in your right. Let there be an expression to that—not like the grip of a vice, but a gentle clasp, full of electricity, thought and respect. Don’t be in a hurry. Her head lies carelessly on your shoulder! You are nearly heart to heart! Look down into her half-closed eye! Gently, yet manfully, press her to your bosom. Stand firm and Providence will give you strength for the oi’deal. Be brave but do not be in a hurry. Her lips almost open ! Lean lightly forward with your head, not the body. Take good aim—the soul rides the storm, trouble aud sorrow of the lips meet—the eyes close —the heart opens life (don’t be in a hurry) —heaven opens before, the world shoots from under your feet as a meteor flashes across the evening sky (don’t be afraid), the nerves dance before the just created altar of love as zephyrs dance with the dew trimmed flowers—the heart forgets its bitterness—and the art of kissing is learned. No noise, no fuss, no fluttering and squirming like a hook-impaled worm. Kissing don’t hurt j and it do n’t require brass to make it legal. Don’t jab on a beautiful mouth as if spearing frogs ! Do not mus her hair, scratch down her collar, bite her cheek, squizzle her rich ribbons, and leave her mussed, rumpled, and flummnxed ! Don’t grab and yank the lady as if she were a struggling colt.