Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 47, 16 December 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

The Pig-Feeder's Motto.—Make both ends meat. Motto for the Highland pipers— c Blow gentle Gaels.' How many days belong to the year ?—325, the rest are Lent. What is the best way to curb a wild young man ?—To bridal him. Plays that are ' well mounted' do not always have a good run. On which side of a donkey would you look for the most hair ?—The outside. ' Music as tender as the flesh of an infant,' is the expression of an English enthusiast. Those ladies who have a passion for teaparties should remember that tattle begins, with T. Can an individual be said to be over head and ears in debt when he hasn't paid his hatter ? 'You're in good spirits,' said the distiller to his clerk, who had just tumbled into a full vat. Dr Johnston says : — ( The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt till they are too strong to be broken.' Young gentlemen who would prosper in love should woo gently. It is not fashionable (?) for young ladies to take ardent spirits. A woman who never owned a bible supposed she was quoting it when she greeted her son, who came home to keep Thanksgiving, in the following words : ' Here comes the fatted calf.' ' Gentlemen,' said an Irish orator, ' if that great man, Daniel O'Conneil, the liberator of his country, had lived to see this day of Ireland's humiliation he would have died years ago. A wise old gentleman, who knew all about it, on retiring from business gave the following

sage advice to his son and successor :—' Common sense, my son, is valuable in all kinds of business—except love making.'

A boy in a country school was reading the following sentence:—'The lighthouse is a land mark by day and a beacon by night,' and rendered it thus:—'The lighthouse is a landlord by day and a deacon by night.' Characteristic of Both. —A. Scofchraan and an Irishman had arrainged to fight a duel in a dark room. The Scotchman not wishing to have blood on his hands, fired up the chimney, when, to his horror down came Paddy lifeless. Two mothers were boasting of the achievements of their respective 'only' children. Said one :—' My son blew out the candle when he was seven months old!' 'Ah, replied the other, ' the boy who blows out the candle at seven months old will never set the world on fire.' At a christening, while the minster was making out a certificate, he inquired the day of the month, and happened to say, ' Let ma see, this is the 30th.' 'The thirtieth!' exclaimed the indignant mother; ' it's only the thirteenth !' An old traveller tells a pretty tough story about being lost in the woods with his dog, he could find nothing to eat, and had to cut off the dog's tail which he boiled for himself, and afterwards gave the dog the bone ! We would rather borrow £IOO than believe that story. An agent for a large life insurance company lately asked a gentleman to take out a life policy. He was met with the reply that if the : company could ensure him in the future state : he was perfectly willing. This seemed to be a poser, but the agent promptly replied that he was sorry to say his company was prevented by its charter from issuing any fire risks. Hard Labour.—Master (to candidate for admission to school) —'What's your name?' Candidate—'James O'Connor, sir!' Master —' Where do you live ?' Candidate—' Numer eight in the Buildin's, sir !' Master —' What does your father do?' Candidate —'Comes jome an' whacks mother, sir !' Master—' Tut, tut! that's sad ; but I moan what does he work at ? Candidate—' Oh, he don't work. He stands at the corner by the public 'ouse'.' A Needless Search.—Baron Testaferrata Abela, a gentleman living in Malta, recently discovered in the valley of Gomerino a Roman tombcontaining fourhuman skeletons, earthenware lamps, vases, &c. The Baron expressed surprise that no coins were found, explaining to his man the ancient custom of placing pie«es of money with the dead to pay the boatman Charon for crossing the Styx. Tne man asked if he really believed in such a story. ' Certainly,' said the Baron. 'Then why look for the money ?' rejoined the man, ' the boatman has got it.' Vernacular Preaching-.—At a weekly prayer meeting in a Secession Church at Edinburgh, one of the members expressed himself thus :—' Our faith is became like gizened (leaky) barrels. Lord, ding up the girs (hoops).' The late Robert Flockhart, a well known street preacher in Edinburgh, related the circumstances of his conversion in these words :- ' My heart was black as a sheep's face—but noo it is white as a washerwoman's thoomb'.' No extent of earnestness in the speakers could on such occasions prevent a smile.—A Century of Scottish Life. • The Perils of the Deep.'—Unprotected Female (waking old gentleman, who is not very well) —'Oh, mister, would you find the captain ? I'm sure we're in danger! I've been watching the man at the wheel: he keeps turning it round first one way and then the other, and evidently doesn't know his own mind!' A Fellow Peeling-.—lndignant old lady—• ' Guard do you allow smoking in this compartment ?' Obliging guard—'Haw, wee!, if nane o' the gentlemen object, ye can tak' a bit draw o' the pipe.' A Cool Customer.—Tradesman (Creditor) —'Glad to see you, sir !' Swell (Debtor) ' Augh, Mr Skimpidge, you've reminded me more than once of an account you have against me. Business is business ! Would you prefer a cheque, which will not be honored —a bill at three months, which will not bo taken up—or a notice from the Bankruptcy Court that I'm going up o„n the 16th ?'