Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 46, 9 December 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

A day of idleness tires more than a week of work. The man who never made a mistake never made a discovery. Some folks with too much go in them go to the bad. Marriage is favorable to longevity. Few old maid 3 get beyond thirty. A G-eorgia editor was bitten twice by a mocassin snake without bad results. The snake died. A Distinction and a Difference. —Aunt —‘Candidly, don’t you think that you’ve had enough, Ethel ?’ Ethel— ‘ I may think so, aunty, bub I don’t feel so.’ A Wife’s Text. —‘ The right man in the right place’—a husband at home in the evening. Curious to say, most horse owners, when in difficulties, prefer their greys to their duns. How. to make a Thin Baby Fat. —Throw it from a third story window, and it is sure to come down plump. What is it that goes up the hill and down the hill, and yet never moves ?—The road. Happy Bridegroom —‘ More money, madame? more money ? Have you forgotten that my money has bought everything you possess—the very dress you stand in ?’ Fair Bride—- ‘ No, sir; nor have I forgotten that your money lias bought what stands in it/ Cowden Clarke tells a story of a gentleman who, in making a return of his income to the Tax Commissioners, wrote on the paper : * For the last three years my income has been somewhat under £150; in future it will be more precarious, as the man is dead of whom I borrowed the money/ A Bad Shot.— The following curious story is from an American paper: —‘A crazy man got into a St. Louis judge’s seat, and ‘ opened court’ in a lively manner by firing pistols at the lawyers/ We cabled for fuller particulars, and are iu a position to add that the lunatic was under the idea that he was the judge, and that the pistols contained nothing more deadly than charges—to the jury. There is no more modest and sensitire man than the Bev. Dr William B. Williams, the eminent Baptist divine of New York. He recently published a charming little work on the three ’ parables in the fifteenth of Luke, the appropriate title of which was: ‘ The Lost Sheep, the Lost Coin, and the Lost Son.* Imagine the horrible feelings of file sensitive divine when he saw the typographical blunder of the ‘Christian Union,’which reviewed it under the title of ‘The Lost Sheep, the Lest Cow, and the Lost Sow !’ Some negroes that had mastered the Irish brogue played a trick upon a boat-load of immigrants, who were so eager to set foot on the soil of the Now World that they had left the ship before their companions. ‘An’ are ye just over, boys ?’ said a jet black African, in the richest possible brogue and with the warmest interest, as he bent over the wharf, where he and his companions were working. The strangers regarded him with a look of mingled astonishment and terror, while one of them found breath to inquire : ‘ An’ how is it that ye’re black ?’ ‘lt’s the cloimate, boys; it’s all in the cloimate/ was the answer. ‘ Ah, how long did it take/ said the anxious spokesman, ‘ to make ye this color ?’ ‘ Three years, an’ niver a bib longer/ ‘ Thin, bedad, boys/ said the Paddy to his countrymen— ‘ bedad, boys, let’s go back ; it’s too soon to be divila intirely/ The following story ia related by Mr Jeffer*

„„ Q *n;n«r the first Continental Congress : Sol nXate Harrison of Virginia, desiring to —Helega > ented bimself and friend at a stimulate, p . sur) plies were furnished certain place w 0 glasses of brandy and wfter. The man in charge replied that linuors were not included in the supplies furled Congressmen. ‘ Why/ said Harrison r ?; a then that I see the Hew England members come here and drink i Molasses and water, which they hare charged as staUon7r7: was the reply. ' Then giro me brandy and water,’ quoth Harrison, ' and charge rt as A New Kind of Female ' Attraction. From time to time we hear a good deal about • woman's sphere’ and ‘ woman’s influence from those who regard the sex from one point of view, and of ■woman s aHrartireness from devotees of another order. The other day I came across a little story which exhibits the ‘ sphere,’ the ‘ influence, and the atti activeness ’ as combining to do a deal of mischief in a quiet way. A certain gallant commander, 8.N., found to his dismay that his ship was some thirty miles or so out of her He was sorely puzzled to account for the fact. The instruments were overhauled, and found to be faultless ; the calculations were checked, and pronounced correct What could it be ? Suddenly it flashed upon him. A lady was sitting near the binnacle reading a novel in the most innocent way m the world. - The lady wore a crinoline, whereof the hoops were of tempered etee.. Ab the elder Mr Weller remarked, a petticut nr, a petticut is irresistible.’ The compass couldn t Sand it. The fickle needle was no longer true to the pole, and the man at the wheel followed the eccentricities of the needle. We know the gallantry of sailors, T how the brave commander said to the tan delinquent ‘ Madam, your attractions are unbounded, but could you not find for them some worthier object than a binnacle? ? Why he didn’t go Fishing-- Once, said a reverend narrator, ‘ the superintendent asked me to take charge of a Sunday school c as - ‘You’ll find ’em rather a hard lot, sadhe, ‘ they all went a fishing last Sunday but little Johnny Hand. He is really a good boy, and I example may yet redeem others. I wish you would talk to’em a little. I told him I would. They were rather a haul look ing set. I don’t think I ever witnessed a more elegant set of black eyes mmy life, HdUe Johnny Hand, the good boy, was m his place and I smiled on him Ab soon as all the lessons were over, I said, Boys, you superintendent tells me that you went fishing la 8 P fc Sunday-all but little Johnny You didn’t go, did you, Johnny? I said. air.’—• That nas right. Though tin*, boy , m the youngest among you, I continued, 3 learn from his own lips words of good counsel which I hope you will profit by. I lifted him up on the seat beside me, and smoothed his auburn ringlets. ‘ Now, Johnny, I want you to tell these wicked boys why you didn t go a fishing with them last Sunday. Speak loud now. It was because it was very wicked, and you would rather go to Sunday school, wasnt it P’ ‘No sir, it was because I couldn t find the worms for bait.’ And there was silence Matrimony.— The Chinese of Otago are fast falling in to the ways of the Europeans. A disciple of Confucius, named Chin Chee, announces in a Dunedin paper that lie will no longer be responsible for the debts of wife.