Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 41, 4 November 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

What shape is a kiss ?—Elliptical (a liptickle), of course. What is the latest thing in dresses ?—Night dresses. The world never admits a writer is inspired till he has expired. Some people say that dark-haired women marry soonest. We differ, it is the lightheaded ones. Ninety-nine hundredths of all the finery with which women decorate or load their persons go for nothing, as far as husband catching is concerned. The most uncommon quality in man is called ‘ common sense ;’ a paper half a mile long is a ‘ brief and a melancholy ditty, devoid of sense or meaning, is a ‘ glee.’ A Western lover says of his parting from his adored one, ‘Her last words fell, like great rocks, into the sea of sorrows, and splashed the briny water into my eyes.

A five year-old girl being asked ‘ What is the chief end of man ?’ replied, * The head end.’ As this created a loud laugh, she ran to her father’s room and told him what had occurred, saying she thought she ought not to be laughed at, * because, papa, can it be the foot end V Pedigree. —ln reference to Lockhart’s attempt to makeout en irreproachable pedigree for Sir Walter Scott. Sydney Smith said—- ‘ When Lady Lansdowne asked me about my grandfather, I told her he disappeared about the time of the assizes, and we asked no questions.’ Inr a Legal Point of View. —Life, we are told, is a trial, but the worst of it is there is no Court of Appeal we can go to in the event of our being dissatisfied with the result of it. For myself, I should like uncommonly to move for a new trial.— Briefless Barrister. A Wild Father —Tho rising generation ‘ age’ rapidly. A mature specimen, eight years old, was hunting round the police station for a stray father the other night. ‘ You see,’ ho remarked, with filial exultation, * the guv’ner’s a little wild yet, but he’ll.grow out of it! —Amorican Paper. A colored preacher, officiating at the burial of a woman of his own con pi exion, said : ‘ My brederen and sisters, ’tis not my intention to preach a sermon here at die grave on the death of the ceasted tister. I’se led to believe, my brederen, dat deceasted sister is gone to hebben dis evenin’, and is now wid de angles in glory, a jumpin’ from cherry-beam to cherry-beam (cherubiml. De brederen will now bury de ceasted sister.’ Somebody asserts that admission fees are to be charged at fashionable weddings hereafter. Imagine big fence posters : ‘ Grandest nuptial of the season. The lovely to the manly New music, new dresses, new properties. Tickets, 1 dol.; reserved seats (middle aisle), 50 cents extra. N.B.—All persons occupying reserved seats are assured that their full names will be mentioned in the society papers.’— American Paper. At a political meeting in the South some time ago, a colored orator told the following story : —‘ That man Beekly has made a personal attack upon me, but ! won’t little my-

self to answer him. He ’minds me of a tale what my grandmother told me ’bout old Gin’l Washington. Gin’l was coming from church one day, and he saw a pretty little white thing in the road, and shot at it. The thing shot back in its peculiar way, and Gin’l Washington had to bury his clothes. A man makes nothing by fighting with skunks.’ The latest dodge in the thieving line has been developed. The operators prowl about the back yards of boarding housps in the still hours of the night, imitating the sleep-disturb-ing strains of a Thomas cat harrowed by the deepest agony of unrequited love, and then go off with the boots, valises, and general chamber furniture projected out of the windows by the enraged boarders.

A.n attorney observed to a brother in Court that he thought whiskers very unprofessional. 1 You are right,’ replied his friend ; 1 a lawyer cannot be too barefaced.’ A reliab'e exchange says that it knows of a boy who accidentally swallowed a silver halfdollar. They gave him warm water and tartar emetic, and antimonial wine, and poked their fingers down his throat until the boy thought he would throw up his toe nails.’ After awhile a doctor came along who understood such cases. He administered a small dose of patent medicine, and in less than ten minutes the boy threw up the half-dollar in fire cent pieces. Science is a great thing. Dr M'Oosh (now President of Princeton Seminary) te’ls the story of a npgro who prayed earnestly that he and his colored brethren might be preserved from what he called their ‘ upsettin’ sins.’ ‘ Hrudder,’ said one of his friends at the close of the meeting, ‘ you ain’t got de hang of dat ar word. It’s 1 iesettin’,’ not ‘ upsettin’.’ 1 Brudder,’ replied the other, ‘if dat’s so, it’s so But I was a prayin’ de Lord to save us from de sin of intoxification, and if dat ar ain’t a upsettin’ sin, I dun no what am.’ How to Win a Woman —Some one who pretends to know says:— ‘ Don’t talk about 1 going to work’ to win the affections of a woman; it can’t be done in that way. The more yru go to work the more she won’t like you. Push her into a duek pond and pull her out by the hair. If you arc ifraid to do this, jump in yourself and let her pull you out. Lend her money, borrow from her. Make her believe she has deenly wronged you, and then forgive her. Deeply wrong her and don’t ask to be forgiven In short, contrive either to lay her under a 1 sting obligation to you, or to lay yourself under a lasting obligation to her. It does not make the difference of a headless pin which so fur as concerns the result.