Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 37, 7 October 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

One of the neatest toasts ever given : ‘ Woman—the last word on our lips, because it comes from the bottom of our hearts.’ Can any reasonable doubt be sustained of the stability of a bank whose directors always show a great reserve when questioned about its affairs ? Keep out of debt, out of quarrels, out of damp clothes, out of reach of liquors, and out of doors all you can in good weather. A negro once gave the following toaßt: — ‘De Gubernor ob our State. He come in wid berry little opposition ; he goes out wid none at all.’ Wrestling- Extraordinary. —Those who wish to keep time will succeed by seizing him by the forelock rather than about the waste. A New York school teacher is accused of being drunk, because he reads from the Bible : ‘ And the cock wept thrice, and Peter went out and crew bitterly.’

One who is, perhaps, a little too critical, says that the majority of country preachers could burn quite as well as the old religious martyrs —they are so dry. An Irishman upon seeing a squirrel shot from a tree, said, ‘ Faith, and that’s a waste of powder. The fall itself would have killed the squirrel.’ A lady was urged by her friends to marry a widower, and as an argument they spoke of his two beautiful children. ‘Children,’ replied the lady, ‘ are like tooth-picks —a person wants her own.’ ‘You here, Jenkins! How the deuce did you find your way out ?’ ‘l£id my way out! Out of where ? What do you mean ?’ _ 4 Why, the last I saw of you you were lost —in slumber.’ ‘ Oh—ah ; well I rode out on the night mare!’ * Gentlemen,’ said Mr Anthony Henley to his constituents at Weymouth, some centuries ago, ‘ you know what I very well know—that I bought you ; and I know what you very well know—that I shall sell you.’ Josh Billings says, ‘ Most people decline to learn only by their own experience, and I guess they are more than half right; for I don’t suppose a man could get a correct idea of molasses candy merely by letting another feller taste it for him.’ ‘ Why do you set your cup of coffee upon the chair, Mr Jones ?’ said a worthy landlady one morning at breakfast- *ltis so very weak, ma’am,’ repliedMr Jones, demurely, ‘ I thought I would let it take a rest.’ The question, does getting drunk ever advance one’s happiness ? would seem to be put to rest by the Irishman who went courting when drunk, and was asked what pleasure he found in whisky, ‘ Oh, Biddy, it’s a trate intirely to see two of your swate purty faces instead of one.’ In reply to a young friend leaving a town because some things in it were not exactly to her taste or content, an old lady of experience said, ‘My dear, when you have found a place where everybody and everything are always very pleasant, and nothing whatever is disagreeable, let me know, and I’ll move there too.’ Scene in the Canadian Parliament: Mr Ross exclaimed that damaging statements was all he meant to say, when he was interrupted by a fool Mr Talbot: Who’s a fool ? Mr Ross : By a foolish as Mr Cameron : Who’s an ass ? Mr Ross : Foolish assertion of profanity. |_‘ Hear, hear,’ and cries of ‘ah!’] Our little four-year-old remarked to her mamma on going to bed, ‘ I am not afraid of the dark.’ ‘ No, of course you are not,’ replied her mamma, ‘ for it can’t hurt you.’ ‘ But, mamma, I was a little afraid once, when I went into the pantry to get a cookie.’ ‘ What were you afraid of?’ asked her mamma. ‘I was afraid I couldn’t find the cookies.’ A lawyer attempting to quiz a clergyman asked : ‘ Pray, sir, what do you do when you happen to make a mistake in the pulpit ?’ ‘lf I make a large mistake I correct it; if a small one I let it pass. For instance, the other morning I meant to say the devil is the father of liars, but, instead, I said he is the father of lawyers, and the difference is so trifling I let it go.’ A long nosed, thin shanked old maid appeared at the door of a farmer’s house in lowa he other day, and wanted the farmer’s wife to subscribe to some women’s newspapers and sign a petition for woman’s suffrage. The wife called out ‘ Charles, Tom, Richard, Lucy, Jane!’ and was soon surrounded by a crowd of rosy cheeked children. She then turned to her visitor and said —‘ Have you any of these ?’ ‘No!’was the sharp reply. ‘ Then,’replied the buxom wife, ‘ go get a few, and afterwards come to me about women’s rights, if you feel like it.*

Elder Knapp, the revivalist, was actively engaged in revival of religion down in Arkansas : and when about to baptise a new convert he called out in a loud voice : ‘ Does any one know any reason why this man should not be baptised ;’ and to his surprise a long specimen of an Arkansas traveller shouted in response : ‘ See here, Mister Preacher, I don’t want to interfere in that here business of yours, but if you expect to get the sins all out of that old ouss you will have to anchor him out in the river over night.’ Here’s appreciation ! A lawyer in Leavenworth, Kansas, recently sued a Mrs Johnson for seventy-five dollars professional charges, which she claims she paid in full. When the case came to trial, while he employed an attorney she said she couldn’t afford it at the prices asked, and would defend herself After the opposing lawyer had exhausted himself, she spoke a few words to the jury, complimented them on their honesty, and said she expected justice. In a few minutes they brought in a verdict for the defendant, and also presented her.with a bouquet.