Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 36, 30 September 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

Things not Genebally Known.—Poor people. A Capital Fellow.—The possessor of £IOO,OOO. Some tailors would make capital dragoons, they charge so. Why was the Princess Louise like a nursery rhyme ? Because she was a maiden all for Lome. Why is buttermilk like something which never happened ?—Because it hasn't a curd (occurred). A good gauge by which to measure a man's character is his lan-guage. ' Mamma,' said a little boy who had been sent to dry a towel before a fire,' it is done when it's brown?' In the state of lowa and Indiana about two hundred women are working farms on their own account. Miss Mary Wattles and Mrs Helen Comb have formed a copartnership in Kansas, for the practice of law, under the name and style of Wattles and Comb. A New England minister lately astonished his congregation by telling them that' some theologians write books that would knock Moses into pie.' ' Mr Jones, what makes the canary sleep on one leg?' 'I don't think anybody makes him, my dear: I think he does it on his own accord.'

Stephen Pearl Andrews, the New York Pantarch, in his obituary of his wife, called her ' one of of the veiled, obscured, hidden, great female men of the earth.'

Boabdeb.—' This tea seems very weak, Mrs Skimp.' Landlady—' Well, I guess it must be the warm weather. I feel weak myself; in fact every body eomplains.' A minister asked a tipsy fellow leaning up against a fence, where he expected to go when he died. 'lf I can't get along any better than I do now,' he said, • I shan't go anywhere.' A Definition.—A medical student, whose education has been neglected, while reading to his coach from a medical work, pronounced the word delirium as a deal-o-rium. ' Stay,' said the master you are confusing two things. Delirium is a sort of madness. Deal-o-rhyme is incipient idiocy!' Mabk Tapley in Pennsylvania.—A Pennsylvanian recently asked one of the striking miners how they managed to live so long without working,- and the " Miners' Journal," says the reply was— ' Ye see, when we don't work, we live as we used to live in Ireland ; and when we do work, we live like Americans ; and that's jast the explanation of how we get along at all.' A good precedent has been established in Ohio. Daniel Lewis died recently, at Ironton, of delirium tremens, and his widow brought a suit against one Thomas Evans, a rumseller, of whom her husband has for years obtained his liquor. The court awarded 5000 dols. damages. If this example be imitated by the wives and widows of drunkards generally, there will be fewer deaths from delirium tremens. Appeopbiate Names. The following names are indeed appropriate for the uses mentioned : For an auctioneer's wife—Bid-dy. For a General's wife—Sal-ly. For a sport's wife—Bet-ty. For a fisherman's wife—Net-ty. For a shoemaker's wife —Peg-gy. For a teamster's wife—Car-rie. For a lawyer's wife— Sue. For a printer's wife —Em. For a druggist's wife—Ann Eliza. For a carpetman's wife—Mattie. Beecheb on Confessing Sins. —If a man lies, I think he ought to confess it, but it is not expedient to tell all your sins openly. Nothing is more disagreeable to me than to hear a person's ailments. If a person has a sore, I don't wan't to hear about it. I don't care to be regaled with the state of a man's stomach or liver. I have ills enough of my own. Yet some people will get together and croon and croon, and talk about their sicknesses, and about corpses, and how many they have laid out and have a regular graveyard banquet. It is the same with spiritual ailment. There are times when men should make a confesssion of specific sins. If a man has been carrying on the liquor business and is converted, it is quite proper that he should confess that he has been doing the devil's work. If he has been engaged in any wickedness that has been opened to the whole community, his repentance should be open. It is not necessary to give an inventory of all 'one's faults, but if we say anything, it is better to be specific than generic. A farmer, who wished to invest the accumulation of bis industry in United States securities, went to a broker's office to obtain treasury notes. The clerk inquired,' What denomination will you have them, sir ?' Having never heard that word used excepting to distinguish religious sects, the farmer, after a little deliberation, replied, ' Well, you may give me part in Old School Presbyterian, to please the old lady, bu t give me the heft on't in Free Will Baptist.' An Indian girl, who fell in love with a fellow, rode twenty miles, with a revolver in her hand, to where the chap was chopping in the woods, and told him if he didn't marry her she would make a tunnel through him. The wedding came off that afternoon. He said he would never quarrel with a woman about a little thing like that. A New Hampshire county auditor had #he following bill presented him for allowance in a late law suit: —' To doing your work, such as drawin water, choppin wood, and feedin cattle three weeks while you lay drunk, s2l.' The reason why editors have their manners spoiled is because they receive so many evil communications from one correspondent or another.

A young gentleman who had just married a little beauty said she would have been taller, but she is made of such precious material that nature couldn't afford it.

A young man wants to know what business he had better go into that will enable him to occupy a high position in society. Let him try the roofing business ; in that trade a smart man will soon get to the top of the ladder. More disappointment arising out of the title of a book ! An enterprising farmer, always on the watch for information, indeed an enthusiast in his profession, ordered ' Bain upon the Mown Grass,' and found it was sermons! A story is told of a father in a church, who, when the marriage services came to the point where the clergyman asks, ' Who giveth this woman to be married to this man ?' replied : ' Well, sir, I am called to do it, although do it agin the grain. I wanted her to marry Bill Powser, who is worth twice the money o' that ere man.' The answer was not considered regular. A Eeminiscence of '4B.—' The Communist period through which Paris has just passed,' says the " Constitutional," ' gives a momentary interest to an incident of the Revolution of 1848. Baron James de Rothschild was one morning seated in his cabinet when two fellows from the faubourgs, armed to the teeth, entered and asked to be shown into Citizen Rothschild. " Gentlemen," he said, " what can I do for you P" " Well, this is what we have got to say. You have millions of money, and the people want bread, so you must share, or if not ." "Shares, very well. How many. are you in France ?" Perhaps thirty million.' " And how much money, do you suppose I have?" "Say a hundred and fifty millions." w Well, then, among thirty millions that makes

five francs a head. You are two ; here are ten francs for you, and now we are quits." The men were so confounded by the argument and by the rapidity with which the whole incident occurred that they took the money and disappeared. ' The Tubning Point in the Foettjnes of AN Inventob.—Professor Morse tells an anecdote of his early struggles. When he was in Washington, employing all his energies to obtain an appropriation from the Q-overnment to erect a line from Baltimore to Washington, he had his instruments at each end of the Capital to demonstrate to the members of Congress the feasibility of the plan. He says—' I talked to them, explained the working of the instrument hour after hour. I gained many adherents ; still I saw that many were yet incredulous, and many even scouted at the idea as preposterous, and pronounced my instrument as the toy of a cracked brained enthusiast. It was towards the close of the session, and there were still two or three hundred bills to be passed before they came to mine. It was late at night, and finally I gave up in absolute despair, and I left the Capitol building with a sad heart. I was bankrupt, having expended all that I had on my discovery. T walked down the Capitol steps with exactly 50 cents, all I had in world; and a more disconsolate individual it would have been hard to find. After a wakeful night I arose in the morning to find my bill passed, and a new era in the history of science commenced.'