Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 35, 23 September 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

‘ How much did he leave ?’ inquired a gentleman of a wag on learning the death of a wealthy citizen. ‘Everything,’ responded the wag ; ‘ he didn’t take a dollar with him.’ A beer-seller wrote over his door, ‘ Bear sold here.’ An old toper, who saw it, said it was spelt right enough, because the fluid he sold was his own ‘ bruin.’

A man died at St. Louis recently, and in his will, after stating that he ‘never forgot a favor,’ left 1000 dollars to an individual who, ten years before, ran away witli his wife.

A leading lecturer classifies his audience as follows :—The * still attentives,’ the ‘ quick responsives,’ the ‘ hard-to-lifi s,’ the ‘won’t applauds,’ and the ‘ get-up-and-go-outs.’ A Colorado lover thus describes his only love:—‘She’s a peeler, she is. She killed a bear when she was fifteen, and a Digger Indian when she was eighteen, and now she’ll whip her weight in wild-cats—whoop.’

‘ This milk is rather warm for such a cold morning,’ said a customer the other day to the milk boy. ‘ Yes, father put hot Avater in it instead of cold to keep it from freezing,’ was the simple but truthful reply. A Cincinnatti paper tells of a charitable man in that city who keeps a pair of dogs chained at his front door, so that poor people who stop to ‘ get a bite’ can be accommodated without taking the trouble to go into the houso. Eleven young girls of Ingouville have asked to be allowed to form a regiment of young ladies, to bo called ‘The Vengeance.’ They have begged the editor of the local paper to allow enlistments to take place in his office. There is a paper printed in the Cherokee nation in the ‘ native dialect.’ An Arkansas editor says : —‘ It is the worst specimen of pickled tongue Ave ever saw. It looks a 9 though a nitro-glycerine explosion had occurred in a type-foundry.’ Dundreary’s Latest: his Lordship declares that the tax on matches is one of those things no fellah can understand. ‘ It’s a wum way t t-to encouwage the sale of mum-mu-matches to twy .and Bob-blowe ’em out!’ A French lad, seven years old, reported to have been stolen by a company of mountebanks, headed by a man with a wooden leg, recently made his escapo. As a precaution against pursuit by his master, he carried with him his wooden prop ! An Irish way of showing respect for a stranger is thus given by a morning contemporary : —‘ On Tuesday morning a body of men went to the residence of Mr Howe, of Richmond, near Nenagh, and fired five shots. Mr Howe is a stranger, and is much respected.’ A young lady says, ‘ When I go to a theatre I am very careless of my dress, as the audience are too attentive to the play to observe my wardrobe ; but when I go to church I am very particular in my outward appearance, as most people go there to see how their neighbors dress and deport themselves.’ While Raphael was engaged painting his celebrated frescoes he was visited by two cardinals, who began to criticise his work, and found fault without understanding it. 4 The Apostle Paul has too red a face,’ said one. ‘ He blushes to see into what hands the church has fallen,’ was the reply. The “Chicago Journal” says, that by the term, ‘ strong minded woman,’ it means, ‘ One who spoils a very respectable woman in vainly endeavoring to become a very ordinary man.’ ‘I say, boy, is there anything to shoot around here ?’ inquired a sportsman of a boy he met. ‘Well,’ replied the boy, ‘nothing just about here, but our schoolmaster is just over the hill there, cutting birch rods—you might walk up and pop him off.’ ‘ It is a pleasant thing to reflect upon,’ said Dickens, ‘and furnishes a complete answer to those who contend for the gradual degeneration of the human species, that every babe born into the world is a finer one than the last.’

An Unlucky Coincidence.—Dean Ramsay 1 remembers in the parish church of Fettercairn, though it must be sixty years ago, a custom, still lingering in some parts of the country, of the precentor reading out each single line before it Avas sung by the congregation, This practice gave rise to a somewhat unlucky introduction of a line from the first Psalm. In most churches in Scotland the communion tables are placed in the centre of the church. After sermon and prayer, the seats round these tables are occupied by the communicants Avhile the psalm is being sung. One communion Sunday, the precentor observed the noble family of Eglantine approaching the tables, and likely to be kept out by those pressed in before them. Being very zealous for their accommodation, he called out to an individual whom he considered to be the principal obstacle in clearing the passage, ‘ Come back, Jock, and let in the noble family of Eglantine; and then turning to tho psalmbook, he took up his duty, and went on to read the line ‘ Nor stand in the sinners’ way.’ A Soldier Feast Among- the American Indians. ‘ For the benefit of the uninitiated, let me say that this happy banquet consists of a series of the most frightful messes which ever entered a witch’s cauldron. For instance, there will be a ragout of dog, flavored with

mud and soul-leather; a soup of lizards, pig gristle, and wild onions ; an enormous salmis of old mule and sunflower leaves. Your host is most generous with his provender. He heaps your plate with the nauseous delicacies until you sit aghast. If you cannot eat your portion, you are technically said to be ‘ killed,’ and have to buy some other convive to eat it for you with a valuable present. One elastic Indian of long practice will sometimes eat two men’s portions besides his own, and feel no more inconvenience from them than an anaconda from a goat au naturel. Moncrevie had once to pay the most valuable horse he had, to get his mess eaten hy a Sioux brave. As these are debts of honor, the most capacious glutton goes to a soldier-feast with all the avidity _ felt by a gray Wall street bull for a corner in Harlem,’— 4 Ludlow’s Travels.’