Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 34, 16 September 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

Never chaff old men. It is bad-in-age, says the New Orleans ' Times.'

When does a pass deserved to be styled a gorge ? When it's of a ravine-ous nature. When does a besieged city resemble a pea ? When is is being shelled. An Irishman said he did not come to this country for want. He had an abundance of that at home.

When the black caterpillars came down on a Tennessee district, the farmers turn in the turkeys, who hold a Diet of Worms. What is your consolation in life and death ?' asked a Sunday-school superintendent of a young lady in the Bible class, who blushed and said,' I'd rather be excused from speaking his nams.' Some one wrote to Horace Greeley inquiring if guano was good to put on potatoes. He said it might do for those whose tastes had become vitiated with tabacco and rum, but he preferred gravy and butter. A gentleman, stating that a person engaged in an extensive line of business had lately failed was asked by a lady if he knew whom he succeeded in business, to which the gentleman replied that 'he did nob know whom he succeeded, but it was evident that he did not succeed himself.'

A child was born at Manchester, Vt., last week, which weighed only twenty-four ounces, but was perfectly formed, and hopes are entertained of its living. Its face can be almost covered with an old fashioned cent, and a lady's finger ring can be slipped on the arm. In Charles City (lowa,) recently two sewing machine agents, wanting to make a sale to the same man operated as follows : One of the agents sent his wife to assist the lady of the house in her duties, while the other went in person. As he could not wash dishes, he betook himself to the garden and gave the potatovines a good ' bugging.' The latter won. Rust in Wheat.—Horace Greeley, who, like the iate Lord Brougham, knows a little of everything, has set up as an authority on farming. A farmer in Tennessee wrote to him recently, and mentioned that the wheat in many localities was afflicted with the'rust.' True to his natural instincts of relieving suffering humanity, Horace promptly suggested the means of sure and speedy relief to all farmers whose wheat was suffering from or threatened with the rust. His plan was simple, and of course will work well when applied. It was to grease the wheat so affected, carefully, and then rub dry with a warm cloth.' A cheerful correspondent of the little " Morning Call,' of Duluth, Minn, says it is a shame for a city with such magnificent future prospects not to have a beautiful and attractive burying-place, and that, from its poverty in this respect, invalids from abroad may well hesitate in making Duluth their temporary home.

The Doctor's Threat: Dr Ratcliffe being in a tavern one evening, a gentleman entered in great haste almost speechless, exclaiming, ' Doctor, my wife is at the point of death ; make haste, come with me.' ' I cannot until I have finished my bottle,' replied the doctor. The man who happened to be a fine athletic fellow, finding the entreaty to be useless, snatched up the doctor, hoistedhim onhisback, and carried him out of the tavern. The moment he set the doctor upon his legs, he received from him, in a very emphatic manner, the following threat:—« Now, you rascal, I'll cure your wife in spite of you.' The sad story of Cleopatra is thus told by a truly rural poet:— 'She got a little p'ison snake, And hid it in her grown j It gave its little tail a shake, And did her job up brown. She tumbled down upon her bed, Where she was wont to lie, Removed her chignon from her head, And followed Antony.' Abe you Beuth ?—Edwin Booth was travelling on the cai's. The passengers, hearing he was aboard, naturally evinced curiosity to see the celebrated actor. Among the passengers was a genuine Vermonter, who occupied a seat some four or five benches in the rear of the great object. By slipping from one seat to another, he very soon occupied the one immediately • aft' of Booth. His anxiety was great, reaching over and touching Edwin on the shoulder, he said : ' Ah ! excuse me, sir, but is your name Beuth ?' In his well modulated voice, Booth replied, < Yes, sir, my name is Booth.' • Ah! eh! excuse me, sir; but is your name Edwin Bench ?' Yes, sir, my name is Edwin Booth.' ' Really, eh ! ah, sir ; but you must really excuse me, sir ; but ah ! eh ! —sir, are you brother to the gentleman who had the little difficulty with Mr Lincoln at the theatre ?' The Education Question.-—The denominational education mania has seized on the " heathen Chinese," as witness the the following letter from an enthusiastic disciple of Confucius, which appears in the last number of the "Tuapeka Times": —" Sir,—Plenty my countryman coming to New Zealand. You know hundred come in three weeks, and plenty more bye-and-bye. Lots of young boys come too. Some not know read and write. Chinaman give plenty money to Government for miner's rights, gold duty, and too much for rice and opium and business license. Let Government give half share for teach our boys speak English and write, and learn good Confucius. Englishman school no good. We got night school teach our young boys all same as Englishman. You tell Government 2000 Chinamen here now, bye-and bye 4000 Chinaman. Want him one-fifteenth share. No gammon!— I am, &c, Foo Chow Cum."