Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 32, 2 September 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

The Best Revolver Out.—The world. A Bird oe ill Omen.—A swallow of brandy. Bonds Irredeemable.—Yaga-bonds. 'Long and Sucoesseul Reign.'—The deluge. . ' Curious.—The latest telegrams bring us the earliest news. ' Boys will be boys' is nonsense. Boys will be men—if they live long enough. A Willing- Marttr.—Scotch carrier—- ' Eh, bit that's strong whuskey ! But ti'H no spile the taste wi' water. U'll rather thole't!' The young Queen of Spain is said to be taking great pains in starting a new periodical, specially addressed to women, and designed to i'.raw away their attention from political matters. An American female lecturer says —' Get married, young men, and be qui.ck about it. Lon't wait for the millennium, for girls to became angels. You'd look well beside an angel, ouldn't you, you blockhead ?' Yert Unkind. —Infuriated Commanding jfficer—' Hi, there, get away, you madman — f.et away from the target!' Easy-minded 3'iunatic—' Bold on, guv'nor, I ain't as mad as i look. I was here all day yesterday, and J -und it much the safest place in the field.' Maternal Indignation.—At a christening, hile the minister was making out his certifi- . .ic, lie inquired the day of the month, and ■jpponed to say : —' Let me see, this is the ' •iirfcieth."' 'The thirtieth !' exclaimed the inL';nant mother, 'indeed, but it's only the irteenth.' We have all of us heard of the smiles of 1 vovidence. Here are Uncle Jim's ideas on at subject. ' Good morning, Uncle Jim.' - Good morning.' ' Well, you've got your daughter married off, have you?' 'Yes.' Really Providence smiled on you.' ' Smiled! --no, bless you, she snickered right out!' Complimentary.—Collier (about the dog). Yes, sir, aw got him in Manchester, yonder, an' doctor, aw's going t' ax ye, hev y' ony objection tiv us namin him efiherye ? Young medical man (rather pleased).— Oh, dear no, by all means—don't know about the compliment, though ; he's not a beauty to look at! Collier.—Mebbees not, doctor ; but —smash ! —-mun, he's a beggar to kill!

A Hit for the High Joints. —The other day one of the ' High Joints,' as the commissioners are irreverently called by the Washington capitol, said to a pretty girl, ' Where are all your handsome men ? The ladies are very wall, but, 'pon my word, you know, I haven't seen a handsome man since I've been here.' ' Ah,' said the young lady, sweetly, ' but you have handsome men in England, I presume ?' *Oh ! yes, of course, plenty of them !' * Then why,' she asked, ' did not the Queen send one here ?'—American Paper. A Touch oe Nature.—lß49. July 26. — Went to a bazaar at Lady Susan Harcourt's. The Queen and the Prince Consort was there. Heard a charming story of one of the royal children, which I hope is true. When last the Queen was about to be confined, the Prince Consort said to one of his little boys, ' I think it very likely, my dear, that the Queen will soon present you with a little brother or sister. Which of. the two would you prefer?' The child, pausing—'Well, I think, if it is the same to mamma, I should prefer a pony !'— Memoir of Charles Mayne Young, Tragedian.

Count Moltkb. —There is a rumor in Berlin, says the "Daily News" correspondent, that Count Moltke has expressed his resolution to Emperor William to decline the present of a million of thalers, which it is intended by the Federal Council and the majority of the Reichstag to bestow upon him. He has declai'ed himself quite satisfied with the title of Count —not so much for his own sake as for that of his family, his nephew having been made heir to the title, As for the money, the smallness of his personal wants —he is fond only of a very inexpensive luxury, namely, maps —rendered it altogether superfluous to him, and he did not thinlc that his nephew had a claim to a reward out of the pocJcet of the nation. It must have been with infinite chuckle, and many of what Cooper describes as old Leatherelocking's long, inward laughters, that Henry Ward Beecher, during a late vacation, heard one of his own published sermons delivered in an obscure village. At the close of service he accosted the ' divine,' and said, ' That was a very good discourse ; how long did it take you to write it? 1 'Oh, I tossed it off one evening when I had leisure,' was the reply. Indeed!' said Mr Beeoher. ' It took me longer than that to think out the very framev ork of that very sermon.' ' Are you Henry Ward Beecher ?' ' I am,' was the reply. ' Well then,' said the unabashed preacher, 'all fiat I have to say is that I ain't ashamed to i veach one of your sermons anywhere !' The Lesson of the Paris Revolution.— xhe " Spectator" remarks that if there is a vifeSOD to.be learnt from the burning of Paris it. is that political passion driven in on itself by external violence fosters in Frenchmen -.■til it developes political insanity. Yet this the one lesson which the Assembly and its rulers are certain not to learn. Nothing but miracle can save Fiance from recommencing -r dreary round—repression to be followed v revolution, revolution by anarchy, anarchy .- still severer repression—once more. No- . mg in the history of the century, not even k .) war on freedom proclaimed when the First J sipoleon fell, has ever disheartened and sad- ;; >ned true Liberals like this last declaration by the Beds of war upon the accumulated civilisation of mankind.' The American poet Whittier is a genuine Quaker of the orthodox school. Underneath his Quaker sobriety play a shy, genial humor like that of Charles Lamb. When describing the usage of his drab-coaled brethren in regard to those who speak too often in meeting, and not always to edification, he told of a certain 'meeting' in New England which passed an

recorded the following resolution: 'lt is the sense of this meeting that George C- be advised to remain silent until such time as the Lord shall speak through him to our satisfaction.' Another anecdote is of a Quaker who popped the question to a fair Quakeress as follows : ' Hum ! yea and verily, Penelope, the spirit urgeth and moveth me wonderfully to beseech thee to cleave unto me, flesh of my flesh, and bone of my bone.' ' Hum ! truly Obadiah, thou hast wisely said. Inasmuch as it is written that it is not good for man to be alone, lo ! I will sojourn with thee.' It is well known that the late Daniel Webster was a man of luxurious tastes and expensive habits, which frequently brought fcim into pecuniary difficulties. A Western gentleman, shortly after the great statesman's death, inveighed seriously, to a mutual friend, against these habits, and enforced his remarks with a practical illustration. ' Why'sir,' he exclaimed, ' I travelled all night with Webster in a stage coach out West, not long ago, and in the iflorning we all got out at a little hotel to stretch our legs and get breakfast. Webster took up a travelling case, with combs, hah-brush, and tooth-brush, all of which he used vigorously. When he'd got through I asked him to lend me his tooth-brush, as there wasn't any at the sink where we washed, and Mr Webster courteously complied. After using and rinsing it off I handed it back ; and, will you believe it ? the extravagant fellow just pitched it over into the bushes. It wa3 a good new brush, too, and might have lasted him two or three months longer. No wonder he was always in debt.'—"Harpers' Mazine."