Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 31, 26 August 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

A letter was posted at a village post office that had no postage stamp on it, but in place of the stamp had the following written on one corner of the envelope': * Mr Postmaster, don’t charge no postage on this ; the stamp wouldn’t stick, so I tore the thing up. Why should there be no free seats m a church ? Because you ought not to be made good for nothing. A batcbelor friend likens his shirt buttons to life because they so often bang by a thread. A dog weighing four ounces was recently sold for £so—£l2 10s per ounce. Doing a roaring business—Keeping a wild beast show. An American orator, proposes to ‘grasp a ray of light from the great orb of day, spin it into threads of gold, and with them weave a shred in which to wrap the whirlwind which dies on the bosom of our. western prairies.’ Put six-penny-Vorth of clean fresh hops in your pillow-case, and you must be ill, or sorely conscience-stricken, if you do not sleep, or find a soothing inclination thereto, gently stealing over the senses. Artemus Ward says: *Yu ma differ as much as you pleze about the style of a young lady’s figger, but I tell yu confidenshally, if she has forty thousand pounds, the figgger is about as near right as you will get it.’ Mark Twain says, ‘The wonderful twoheaded girl is still on exhibition in New England. She sings duets by herself. She has a great advantage over the rest of her sex, for she never has to stop talking to eat; and when she is not eating she keeps both tongues going at once. She has a lover, and the lover is in a quandary, because at one and the same moment she accepted him with one mouth and rejected him with the other. He does not know which to believe; He wishes to sue for a breach of promise, but this is a hopeless experiment, because only half of the girl has been guilty of the breach. This girl has two heads, four arms, andffour legs, but only one body, and she (or they) is (or are) 17 years old. Now, is she her own sister ? Is she twinß ? • Or, having but one body, and consequently but one heart, she is strictly one person? If the above named young man marries her, will he be guilty of bigamy ? The double girl has only one name, and passes for one girl; but when she talks back and forth with herself with her two mouths, is she soliloquising ? Does she expect to have one vote or two ? Has she the same opinions of herself on all subjects, or does she differ sometimes? Just at this point we feel compelled to drop this investigation, for it is rather to tangled for us.’ 1863, November 8. When Tennyson entered the Oxford Theatre to receive his honorary degree of D.C.L., his locks hanging in admired disorder on his shoulders, disheveled and unkempt, a voice from the gallery was heard crying out to him, ‘ Did your mother call you early, dear ?’ The latest idea of ultra-fashionable ladies is to have their boots and shoes padded at the instep so as to give the foot at that point a high and graceful curve. Among the stories told of General Thomas, is one of an incident which occurred when he and his chief of staff, General Garfield, were inspecting the fortifications of Chattanooga, in 1863. They heard a shout: ‘ Hello, Mister! You! I wan’t to speak to you;’ and General Thomas found that he was the person addressed by an uncouth, backwoods, East Tennessee soldier. He stopped, and the dialogue that ensued was as follows : —‘ Mister, I want to get a furlough.’ ‘On what grounds do you want a furlough, my man.’ ‘I want to go home and see my wife.* ‘How long since you saw your wife?’ ‘Never since I enlistednigh on to three months.’ ‘Three months!’ said the general good naturedly, ‘why, my good man, I haven’t seen my wife for three years.’ The East Tennesseean stopped whittling for a moment, and stared increduously; at length he'said : ‘ Well, you see, me and my wife ain’t that kind.’ Why ought not women to have the suffrage ? Because we are afraid of their votes, and not of their violence. * Reverend Stranger— ‘ My good man, can you tell me the nearest way to the Cathedral ?’ Scotch Cabby— ‘ Jisfc inside the cab here, sir.’ A recent philologist states that the word ‘ German’ is derived from Gomer. See how development has proceeded ! No one would now think of calling a German a Gomeril. All the Difference.— Meek little country lady— ‘ How long can I wear that style of hat, do you think?’ Milliner—‘ Well, ma’am in town it will be quite old. fashioned by the end of the season. Of course, in the country a London hat will look well for a long time !’ Bob and Jerry. —Mr Lowe has abandoned the principle of constructing a Budget so as to make it unpleasant to everybody. He has adopted that of concentrating ils unpleasantness on one class. This is an t. ilvance on the famous rule of Jeremy Bentham. It may be formulated as the greatest possible unhappiness of the smallest number.

‘More Gladiators’.’* (Roman Cry.)—Mr Punch reads (with qualified satisfaction) this, among the ‘ literary items’ of the week ‘A. new Review is in contemplation. It is believed that there is room for such a periodical, if conducted on the old principle of giving Slashing Articles, instead of mere essays, or puffs. We believe the name has not been fixed upon. We have the greatest pleasure in presenting the intending Slasher with a name. The Oivenoquarterly Review. But it will come a Crasher’. ‘ The world is weary of the past,’ as Shelley says. The cry of the Arena bores us.

Pobtable Pillow. —Amongst the particulars of ‘ Fashions for June,’ Le Follet specifies ‘ Hair rolled back over a cushion.’ Your cushion to its right use —but is that for the head ? A cushion at the poll in addition to a chignon would, one imagines, seriously augment top-heaviness; though to be sure, it might serve to break a fall. But a cushion so situated is a misnomer—call it a pillow.