Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 29, 12 August 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

The cheapest and longest conveyance— A train of thought. It is not always he who has the most nose who knows the most. . No class put more real feeling m their vocation than pickpockets. A man who is sleeping in bed, lies asleep; one who tells falsehoods, lies awake. Ambition and religion should both be in harmony. The symbol of both is a spire. A young doctor being recently asked to dance the 4 Lancers,’ said he was much more able to lance the dancers. There is this of good in real evils : they deliver us while they last from the pretty despotism of all that is imaginary. A conclusive argument against suicide is that it is the height of impolitgpess to go anywhere untiLyou are sent for. One ought, every day, says Goethe, at least to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it be possible, to speak a few reasonable words. It was Coleridge who said of a schoolmaster who was fond of applying the birch, that it was lucky for the cherubims who had carried him to heaven that they were all heads. ‘Lookr here, Pete/ said a knowing darkey to his companion, 4 don’t stan’ on the railroad.’ 4 Why, Joe P’ 4 Ease ef de cars see that mouth of yourn, d.ey will tink it am the depo’ and run rite into it.’ 4 A man who’d maliciously set fire to a barn,’ said good old Elder Poyson, 4 and burn up a stable full of horses and cows, ought to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’d like to be the one to do it.’ Japanese young ladies make wonderful pictures out of peanut shells. A pretender to the crown—A chignon. A cut and dried affair—Jerked beef. Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a vessel ? Because it is a little forward of the main hatch. A lady in this city says the latest thing out is—her husband. The woman that maketh a good pudding in silence is better than one that maketh a tart reply. .. . r A Dubuque girl got a minister for a husband by sawing wood to raise money for the missionaries. A Washington paper says that disappointment in love is making drunkards of many women in that city. We have heard of but one old woman who kissed her cow, but there are thousands of young ones who have kissed great calves. The New York 44 Sun” disrespectfully speaks of the sufforage ladies as 4 persons who want the ballot, but can’t chew tobacco.’ . If you would bo pungent, be brief ; for it is with words as with sunbeams—the more they are condensed the deeper they burn. . Mrs Jones, of Bay City, Michigan, made her recusant hubby hand, out §SO for a new dress. She did it with her little revolver. . . New Lisbon, Ohio, has the periodical girl that swallows pins and needles and has them taken out of her heel. She has yielded fifty. Out in lowa, fishing parties of 20 or 40 couples take along a brass band to play on one side of the stream and drive the fish to the hooks on the other. ,i The strongest propensity in woman’s nature, says a careful student of the sex, is to want to know what is going on, and the next strongest is to boss the job. A fashionable mamma’s advice to a married daughter : 4 Never take your husband to an evening party ; there is nothing that is always so much in the way.’ Eve had some advantages that no other married woman ever enjoyed, chief among which was the fact that her husband could never lacerate her heart by telling 4 how his mother used to cook.' There is only one. stimulent that never fails, and yet never intoxicates—duty. Duty puts a blue sky over every man—up to his heart may be—into which the skylark, happiness, always goes singing. A philosopher has said, he who is passionate and hasty is generally honest. It is your cold dissembling hypocrite you should beware of. There’s no deception in a bull-dog. It is only the cur that sneaks up and bites you when your back is turned. ‘ 'Tis strange/ muttered a young man as be staggered home from a supper party, ‘how evil communications corrupt good manners. Ive been surrounded by tumblers all the evening and now I’m a tumbler myself/ mi It is said a New York gentleman ofiered the Commune 2,000 francs to be allowed to make the last ascent of the Column Yendome. The Commune, in spite of the stated its finances, refused to consent. A funny thing happened at an American church the other day. The new steam heating apparatus was in use for the first time; and after service, one lady, meeting an elder in the aisle, said : Ihat boiler ain’t under our seat, is it ?’ 4 No/ was the reply ; ‘ It’s under the pulpit platform.’ 4 Well, if it blows up, we shall have a good man to go ahead of us/ was the reply.