Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 27, 29 July 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

Extravagance. —Lulu keeps her own brougham, though she takes a fly every night. Wanted (by old Time)—The fellow to * the other day.’ The Transmutations oe Metals.— The German converstion of iron into gold. , . To Drunkards.—The pawnbroker s is not the proper place to take the pledge. A Consolation for the Ladies. —This world abounds in him perfections. The census taken has discovered in Michigan a young lady named Luna Aurora Borealis. A Yankee has got up an almanac ‘ good for 300 years,’ and wants people to buy it and see if it isn’t. Mem. for Railway Travellers. —Guy Fawkes is the first man on record who missed the Parliamentary train. Nautical Men.—The sea is often noted for a show of ‘ white horses’ during a gale ; this is the peculiar season when it makes the most display of it’s equine-’ocks. A western paper, describing the debut of a young orator, says : —‘ He broke the ice felicitously with his opening and was almost immediately drowned with applause.’ __ , , Wonders of Fashions.— Wear my hat on my head ! Impossible, grand’pa, dear ! Haven’t done such things for ages! It’ pinned on with my hair !’ A helpless New York infant is loaded down with the names of ‘WasbingtonFitz • Wilhelm - Carl - Bismarck - Moltke-Manteuffel-Grant-Sherman Tompkins.’ In Terrorem.— The present state of affairs at Paris may be described as the Reign of Error. But it should be remembered it is within a ‘t’ of being identical with the Reign of Terror. . An Injured Woman.— Strong-minded wife looking over papers filled up by feeble husband : ‘ Pray what do you mean, Mr Chankey, by returning yourself as head of the family, insulting your wife by calling her a female ?’ A Panic in the Kitchen.- Facetious Page: ‘Now then, here’s the census, and master’s ordered me to filled it up. I’ve put down your ages within a year or so, and you’re to return your followers, if any, how many, and state p’lice or military,’ fees and tips from tradesmen and wisitors ‘ per ann.,’ price o’ kitchen-staff, average o’ breakage, &c., &c. An Indianian threatened suicide, and went down to the cellar for the purpose, as he informed his wife. Soon the report of a pistol was heard. His wife kept right on knitting, and after a while the man came upstairs grumbling that the woman hadn’t got any feeling. A ‘ Curtain Lecture’ Society.— A Curtain Lecture Society (Limited) is the latest American notion. Jeffersonville, Indianopolis, is the locality giving berth to this novelty, and it appears to be due to the inventive genius of a lady. The object of the society appears from the prospectus to be to secure a hall and fit it up as a resort for married ladies whose husbands are in the habit of staying out till two or three o’clock in the morning. Ladies who are so unfortunate as to have such husbands are to be put to bed and allowed to sleep iu peace until such time as their husbands are in the habit of returning home, when they are to be awakened, furnished with refreshments, and then accompanied home by half a dozen or more of the sisterhood. On their arrival home the derelict husband is to be ‘ gone for’ in the most approved style of the late lamented Mrs Caudle, and this is to kept be up until the husband abandons his bad habits, runs away or dies. The author of that sentimental ditty, known as ‘ Woodman, Spare that Tree,’ is appreciated at last; for helms been enjoying thatsincerest of flattery which consists in imitation. This is it: —‘ Policeman, spare that dog, touch not a single hair ; he worries many a hog, from out his muddy lair. Oh ! when he was a pup, so frisky and so plump, he lapped milk from a cup when hungry—at a jump. And then his funny tricks, so funny in their place, so full of canine licks upon your bands and face. You’ll surely let him live! Oh! do not kill him—dead ; he wags his narrative, and prays for life—not lead. Go, get the muzzle now, and put it on his mouth, and stop that bow, wow, wow ; and tendency to drought. He is our children’s pet —companion of their joy; you will not kill him yet, and thus our hopes destroy. No, Peeler, spare that pup, touch not a single hair; oh ! put your pistol up and go away from there !’ Cowden Clarke tells a good story of a gentleman who lately, in making a return of his income to the tax commissioners, wrote on the paper : —‘ For the last three years my income has been somewhat under £l5O ; in future it will be more precarious, as the man is dead of whom I borrowed the money.’