Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 26, 22 July 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

Why is a fir-tree like a pack of cards P It is cut for deal.

Patriot.—A man who has neither property nor reputation to lose. Why is a child with a cold like a wintry day? It blows it snows (its nose). When the cherries are ripe, where do the birds go? To Peckham (peck 'em). An Irishman once said, ' The most eloquent feature in a dog's face was his tail.' Why are fowls likely to have no hereafter ? Because they have their necks twirl'd in this.

Young ladies had better be fast asleep than ' fast' awake.— Judy. According to the Spanish proverb, four persons are wanted to make a good salad —a spendthrift, for oil; a miser, for vinegar ; a councillor, for salt; and a madman, to stir it all up.

'No man,' said a wealthy but a weak headed barrister, ' should be admitted to the bar who hadn't an independent landed property.' ' May I ask, sir,' said Curran, ' how many acres make a wise acre.' A man who had been fined several times in succession for getting drunk coolly proposed to the magistrate that he should take him by the year at a reduced rate. —American paper. A Long Toothache.—An old man, when reading the lives of the antediluvian patriarchs, declared 'he wouldn't have lived in those days for all the world, as a man stood the chance of having the toothache for more'n five hundred years.' Figukes Cut on Ice.—ln the graceful displays which youth of both sexes have lately been occupied with making on the frozen ponds, it has been remarked that the' Grectian Bend' has not been generally so remarkable as the ' Roman Fall.'— Fundi.

Why do you suppose that France was craving for narcotics during the war ? Because she was always wanting other nations to back her (tobacco). The following punning epigram is traced in letters a foot high in Paris:—' Nous voulons Bepublique entiere, non pas un T(h)iers de Bepublique. Why does a coat get larger when taken out of a carpet bag ? —Because when you take it out you'll find it in creases. Autographical.- It is considered cool to take a man's hat with his name written in it, simply because you want to get his autograph. What should a man carry with him when calling upon his affianced ?—Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confection in his pockets.

Cause op Weakness.—' I wonder what causes my eyes to be so weak ?' said a fop to a gentleman. ' They are in a weak place,' replied the latter. A Sea of Trouble,—A telegram from Paris, the other day stated that : ' The exodus of families continues on a large scale.' We wish the people of the Parisian Exodus well out of their fted Sea.— ' Punch.'

The Same, with a Difference.— Lady : I think you said your name was Mary? New Broom: No, mem, not exactly Mairey—it's Sairey, and youspells it with a hess instid of a nem.—'Judy.' Nemo, &c, Lacessit Ass ate it !—The Order of the Thistle was conferred on the Marquis of Lome on his wedding day. He will probably be grudged the thistle by the same donkeys who grudged the dowry. .Putting Him Down.— Small and feeble husband (meekly) to head of family (Mrs put me down as, dear ?' H. of F: ' I have put you down as an idiot, sir.' [Collapse of S. and F. ll.] Wait for Ages.—Tomkyns (who has three maiden cousins staying with him, and wants to fill up the census) : ' Come, ladies, I have been waiting an hour—can't you contrive to remember your birthdays yet: Virgil was clearly wrong when he said ( Facilis de Census.'' The Saddle on the Eight—Donkey. —Considering the prominent position in the Sansculotte Central Committee taken by the workman Assi, it is suggested that the bestname for the presentrisingin Paris would be the Assi-nine movement.— ■ Punch.'

In the Street.—French gentleman, taking leave of English lady: ' Well, Madame adieu ! As to the conduct of England towards us, I fear we shall retain—pardon me—the belief we have long had,

that you are a nation of shopkeepers. English lady : ' Very well. Mistakes will always be made. We long have had a belief that you were a nation of soldiers. A Peettt Little Idea.—Flora : Why Emily, what are you doing with your beautiful long hair ?' Emily : 'Well, you gee, Frizzer has promised me six guineas for it, and 1 can get a back to look just as good for a mere nothing. Besides, if Ido wear my own hair, who believes it's mine ? and so t may as well get some money for it.' Want of Tact.—Arguing with an opponent who is lame, and assuring him that he has nor a leg to stand on._ Telling a man with only one eye (in an insinuating way) that you would like to get on his blind side. Urging a friend who stammers not to hesitate to express his opinion. Declaring to the possessor of a false set that you mean to do it in spite of his teeth. Informing an acquaintance, who never had his glass out of his eye, that you consider he takes a shortsighted view of things. Telling a man who squints that you are sorry you cannot see the matter as he sees it.