Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 23, 1 July 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

To preserve fish from smelling in summer. —Cut their noses off. Marshal Bazine married a beautiful but poor young lady while he was with Maximilian in Mexico. She was a Mexican lady and her name was Sosefa Pena. The great joiner—the lawyer. He can place a tenant, impannel a jury, box a witness, bore the Court, chissel a client, auger the gains, floor a witness, cut this beard, nail the case, hammer the desk, file his bill, and shave a whole community. A friend of ours, who has had some experience, says that if you go to call on a young lady, and she crochets diligently all the evening, and only says ' yes'' and no,' you can go away about nine, or a quarter past, without breaking any of the rules of etiquette. * Yon can do anything if you have patience,' said an old uncle, who had made a fortune, to his nephew, who had nearly spent one. ' Water may be carried in a sieve if you only wait.' 'How long?' asked the petulant spendthrift, who was impatient for the old man's death. 'Till it freezes,' was the cold reply. While Wombwell's menagerie was at Leicester a few days ago, a lioness gave birth to three fine cubs, which the proprietor christened respectively ' The Princess Louise,' ' Marquise of Lome,' and ' Duke of Argyll.' At Sydney, Ohio, a young woman went into a store and asked for ' feline intestines for lyrical purposes.' He told her he was quite out of them, but he had some mighty good cat-gut fiddle-strings. She fainted, and had to be carried out on a revenue stamp. Such is life. A Parisian lady called on her milliner the other day to * take up' the character of a servant. The respectable appearance of the latter was beyond questioning. ' But is she honest ?' asked the lady. • I am not so certain about that,' replied the milliner j ' I have sent her to you with my bill a dozen times, and she has never yet given me the money'

The "New York World" publishes what it terms the ' Murder Map of New York City.' Those places where murder has been perpetrated within the last ten years are indicated by daggers and pistols. Seventy-eight of these dark spots mark the map. A certain Cockney, overcome by his sensibilities, fainted at the grave of his fourth spouse. ' What shall we do with him ?' asked a perplexed friend of his. * Let him alone/ said a waggish bystander, ' he'll soon re-wive.'

A Patriotic Sensation.—On July Fourth the body of Mr Shipman was found freshly mutilated by Indians, at Independence Mountain, Wyoming. If there is any death which is thoroughly satisfactory and comfortable to an American it must be this. To sit upon Independence Mountain on the Fourth of July, and feel the tomahawk sink gently into your brain as a snow flake settles into a compost heap —ah! this is delicious—this is sublimethis is bully ! ' It was a very unfortunate selection of a hymn which our minister made last Sunday, writes a rural correspondent. He had finished a very good sermon on the vanity of worldly things, when he gave notice.—The parties to be joined in marriage will prepents themselves after we have sung the 225th hymn beginning * Mistaken souls that dream of Heaven.' At the Mairie Drouot a number of old ladies came asking with grief in their faces if dogs, cats, parrots, and canaries were comprised under the denomination of useless mouths.' The employe replied, ' No,' but added that in case of extremity these beasts might be eaten. Imagine the horror of the old ladies. Struck by this speech in their dearest affections they fulminated against Bismarck all the curses they could imagine. If he were to pass under their windows he would do well to protect himself with a stout umbrella.

A Mrs Hannah Jones piously raised a tablet to the memory of the departed Jones, who had been a hosier, the inscription on which, after recorded his many virtues, wound up with the following couplet:—■

( He left his hose, his Hannah, and his love. To go and singHosannah, in the realms above.' A Witty PEiNCESs.—The " Pall Mall Gazette reports a short conversation which took place the other day at Ascot, between the Princess of Wales and a French attache, who was over elated at the victory of Soinette, the French racer : —' That admirable race, madam,' said he, ' revenges us for Waterloo.' ' True,' answered the Princess, but at Waterloo you ran better still. When the Fifteenth .Pennsylvania Cavalry entered the town of Dawson, Georgia, in the spring of 1865, among those who welcomed them was a negro woman, whose appearance denoted extreme old age. Impelled by curiosity one of the ' boys' rode up to her, and asked, ' Howold are you auntie?' 'Well chile/ she replied, 'I don't 'zactly know how old I is ; but I was here when C'lumbus come/ Farmers of experience unite in the statement that a crop of oats is the least exhaustive of any cereal—that in fact it takes very little from the richness of the soil. Let no one think that a study of the pig is a low subject. Some of the most eminent husbandmen of Europe have made the subject of swine and their improvement a study of years; and the most gratifying success has crowned their efforts. Let it be so here. No subject whatever, which tends to the economy of the farm, is too low for throught and scrutinising attention by him who owns, works and lives by its production. We look upon all kinds of improved stock as giving a larger amount of profit with a given amount of food, as we look upon improved farm machinery and implements, as doing a greater amount of work with less manual labor and expense. Antithetic Tea its op the Scotch.— Steamboats and Scotch engineers are all the wsrld over. An ancient chronicler, now resting " wi' the mools," but who lived comfemporary with the first British steam vessel, relates that "Ae day as the Comet, was padlm* doon the water, she o'ertook a fly (passenger fast-boat) that was taigled wi' a cross wind. As the steamer was sliding cannily past, her crew began to jaw the captain o' the fly, and facetiously to order him to come, alang wi' his lazy craft. ' Get oot o' my sichfc," was the indignant answer; ' I'm jist gaun as it pleases the breath of G-od, and I'd ne'er fash my thoom how fast ye gang wi' your blastid devil's reek.' The «reek" has triumphed o'er the "bonnie breeze and the flowing sheet," and given to Clyde ironworkers a world-wide name. Anothee Daniel.—The Sandwich Islanders have been talking of intervening between France and Prussia. The ministerial journal of Honolulu concludes its strong leader in these words:—Hoonohonoho ka papapo o ka huakahoo loowa ko keeho o ka pupo e kawa knio o ka ha.—lt would be a sight to see the expression of dear old Bismarck's genial face when he reads it, and passes it on to goodnatured looking Moltke. Wae Calculations.—The results of the war are summed up thus in the Berlin papers. It lasted 180 days. The Germans fought 156 times—l 7 being battles of the first order. They captured 26 fortresses, 6,700 cannons, and 120 eagles and colours, and 11,650 officers and 363,000 men prisoner!. The tale is most wonderful.