Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 22, 24 June 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

A man who has tried it says all the short cuts to wealth are overcrowded. Show may be easily purchased, but happiness is a home made article. t To learn a dog tew follow, tie him tew the hind end ov an express train. To make good sharp pickles, whittle opk both ends ov them tew a pint. Lazyness is a good deal like moneythe more a man haz ov it the more he seems tew want. Query. —Which would a young lady rather be, Dryad or a Naiad ? A Dryad, for then slie would be a woo’d nymph. A Western paper thus records the demise of a favorite dog killed by a lightening stroke - “ The bolt it flew, and the pup he yowled, As the lightening pierced his hide ; It sapped his vital energies, So he flummuxed, flickered, and died. Somebody said to Jerrold, ‘I have just had some calf’s tail soup ; when the wit replied, ‘Well, extremes do meet sometimes.’ „ r vrri In the White Wine Way.—Why is sherry so good for a cold ? Because it s a Spanish liquor. , . . , Quilp, who has . been hitherto an Universalist, now believes that there are two things destined to be entirely lost — his umbrella and the man who stole it. Mary Powell, in her lecture on the Indians, says she has seen 200 Indian babes together, and not a squall from one of them. A wise master or mistress will not, on light provocation, fall out with a good servant; but the difficulty is to fall in with one now a days. . It is human to err, but devilish to brag on it. _ ~ . An English Court Jenkins announced that the Marquis of Lorn intended to be married in Highland costume. A gentle hint that he meant to afford his better half no excuse to wear the . A ‘ Man’ died at St. Louis recently, and in his will, after stating that he 4 never forgot a favor,’ left 1000 dollars to an individual who ten years before, ran away with his wife. Only Pair.— Lady of the House—- * Beally, cook you must be more careful with the early dinner; the mutton yesterday was hardly warmed through, and the children could not eat it.’ Cook— 4 Then hadn’t the children better dine after us mum ? If I cook the ji’nt any more for them there won’t be a bit of goodness in it when it comes to be hotted up for the kitchen.’ (Exit cook, with a flounce, and the 4 missus’ very properly left to her own reflections.)— The Value oe Brains.— A well-known 4 eminent’ dissenting minister on the south side of the Thames the other Sunday, before commencing his sermon, took his congregation roundly to task on account of the pew rents having fallen off' in value, and the amount of arrears. He said that he had numerous offers togo elsewhere, but that he had resisted every temptation to leave them ; but he must say there were many ministers of the Gospel “ with not half nis brains ” who were receiving a larger income. How Kind of Her.— ln Harrisburg there is a facinating woman who has been married four times within ten years, and there are at least a dozen men so anxious to get her that they have remained bachelors in the hope that her last husband would follow in the footsteps of his illustrious predecessors. Sure enough, a few weeks ago he died, and all these fellows began immediately toprepare for opening the campaign against the widow. One man named Hyde, determined to have the first chance; so he jammed himself in the widow’s carriage on its way home from the funeral. Taking her hand, and looking with tender glances upon the handkerchief with which she sobbed her dutiful tears, he asked her tQ be let him take the

place of the dear departed, and to comfort her in her bereavement. The widow removed her handkerchief, blew her nose gently, and said:—‘Mr Hyde, I should gladly consider your offer and perhaps I might have accepted it, but you are too late. The minister proposed to me in the graveyard while you were lowering the coffin andl said 4 Yes!’ But I’ll tell you what I’ll do ; I’ll give you the first chance after he dies.’

When a Chicago woman wants to get a man on a breach of promise oath, she makes a bet of a kiss with him and loses. She pays him the kiss in the presence of a witness, then sues him for a breach of promise and trifling with her affections, and so forth. Look out for ’em when they offer to bet a kiss.

Dugald Dalgetty. —Captain Drake is supposed to be the original of Captain Dalgetty in the 4 Legion of Montrose. The man gave rise to a pleasant mot by Baron Anderson. He and Lord Compbell were differing at a dinner party about its pronounciation —the latter saying Dalgetty. It was settled by Baron Anderson remarking, 4 1 thought that you Scotsmen always laid the emphasis on get!