Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 21, 17 June 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

Rich Music—A million air. Hard to Beat—A boiled egg. A Kising Man—The balloonist. An Ass —He who ass-ents to everything. It was a woman who first prompted man to eat, but he took to drink on his own account. ~.-'•.«. , i A man with a scolding wife says he has less fear of the jaws of death than of thejaws of life. Good Nature is a glow worm, that sheds light even in the dirtiest places. Whatever else you borrow never borrow trouble. It never does any good, and when you it return you get no thanks. A colored lady, boasting the other day of the progress made by her son in arithmetic, exultingly said, ' He is in the mortification table.' f The reason there are so many sheep s heads in existence is because such a number of children are ' perfect little lambs.' A Capital Answee.—Self-made man, examining a school, of which he is manager: * Now what's the capital of 'Olland ?'—Boy : 'An H, sir.' A revenue assesor in Ohio, asking the usual questions inquired, "Did your wife have any income last year?' 'Yes' replied the assessed, ' she had twins—both girls.' i The Montreal Herald of 25th January says:—the Wyoming National Bank, of Wilkesbarre, last week elected a lady to succeed Judge Woodward in the board of directors. A boy bawling in the street was asked the cause of his trouble, and replied, * I want my mammy ; that's what's the matter. I told the darned thing she'd lose me.' A catalogue of the University of Deseret contains the names, of 56 of Brigham Young's children of both sexes who are pupils in the institution. Fretting is a perpetual confession of weakness. It says, 'I want to and I can't.' Fretting is like a little dog pawing and whining at a door because he can't get in. There is sum pholks in this world who spend ther whole lives a hunting after righteousness and kant find enny time to praktiss it.—Josh Billings. Just the, Conteaey.—Some people's bark is said to be worse than their bite, but it is not so in the case of Jesuits — their bark is better than their bite. A Special Meect.—Agitated Mistress (to her servant, who has upset the tray): 'Oh Bridget! what have you done!' — Bridget: ' Och ma'am, thin, be aisy. The saints be praised, I haven't hurt meself.' A Noble Nubse. The Dowager Marchioness of Lothian, says the'British Medical Journal, has been under training recently at one of the metropolitan hospitals as a nurse, and purposes, it is stated, to devote herself to works of charity. A reporter thus graphically describes the effect of a storm in the North Sea : ' While the storm was at its height the vessel heeled to the larboard, and the captain and another cask of whisky rolled overboard,' ,The Kaw Indians in Kansas are undoubtedly highly susceptible of civilisation. They salt the railroad tracks. This entises cattle in front of the trains ; the cattle are killed, and ' Lo' gathers up the carcases. Excusable.—A Chicago reporter excuses himself for not mentioning the names of sundry Poles engaged in a lawsuit there because he said their names defied orthography, were ' without a vowel, and were ninejointed.' t The English proverb says,' It s a wise child that knows its own father.' The French equivalent is, Judy supposes, ' Je ne sais Pa.' Fine Aet.—' Mr Punch, Sir,—l ear as theres a exhibition of what they call Old Masters to be seen in picadilly which hour footmin Mr Jeams he ses as theyre remarkable specimints of painting. But lor! ses I to him say I if you want to see old paintinx you needn't pay a shilling to look at them Old Masters. Hand Mr Jeams he quite agreed with me that some of our Old Mißsusses is reely quite as curious a specimints of Painting as any of these Old Masters, pawsible can be. Which fhey has allso the advantage that our old missusses are exhibited in the park and bother places free gratis for nothink, with plenty of young missusses as are painted up to match. So I remane Sir yours most umble to command, Belinda Sceibbs.' — Punch.

Awful, -W-AENiNG.—jGruest (at City Company dinner) : ' I'm uncommonly hungry.' Ancient Liveryman (with feeling) : 'Take care, my dear sir, for goodness sake, take care. D' you know it happened to me at the last Lord Mayor's dinner to burn my tougue with my first spoonful of clear turtle, 'consequence was —sighs—'couldn't taste at all—anything—for the rest of the evening.'

Why are ladies the biggest thieves in the world ? Because they steel petticoats, bone stays, and crib babies. When is a baby a four footed animal ? When it is a little dear (deer(.