Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 20, 10 June 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

A Presbyterian and a Methodist had a spirited controversy, in which the former quoted largely from the Epistle to the Komans, ‘ Ah,’ said the other, ‘ Paul says so, I know; but then I always thought that he leaned too much towards Calvinism.’

On the application of the Prince Begent to the Parliament for the grant to pay off his debt being talked of one evening m company, an old Scotch lady, whose ideas were all of a homely character, exclaimed, ‘ Debt! how can he be in debt ? Doesna he get his meat at his fathers?’ A newly arrived Hibernian was asked at dinner whether he would take some of the apple pie. *ls it houlsom ?’ inquired Teddy.’ *To be sure it is,’ was the reply. ‘What makes you ask such questions?’ * Becase,’ said the new comer, ‘ I once’t had an uncle that was killed with the apple plixy, and sure I thought it might be something of that sort.’ Judge Portly says the liveliest time he ever experienced was on issuing the first number of a newspaper in a western town. The people wanted something stirring. He published the personal history of the leading politicians as furnished by their friends. The Judge says that for the first hour they all rushed for the pap'er; the second hour they went for him. A poor old woman called a few days ago on a Glenluce weaver, who, besides his common trade, acts as a ‘ dentist.’ After the tooth was extracted the old woman regretted she could not reward the doctor with the usual fee, stating as a reason that the Poor’s Board allowed her only a shilling a week. * Indeed,’ said the dentist. *if that’s a’ ye get ye might just sit doon again an let every tooth in your head be pu’d oot!’ Hapoleon Alexis Dobbs, come up here and say your lesson. ‘ What make boys grow ?’ ‘lt is the rain, sir.’ ‘ Why do' not men grow ?' ‘ Because they carry an umbrella, which keeps off the rain.’ * What makes a young man and woman fall in love ?’ * Because one of ’em has a heart of steel, and t’other has a heart of flint, and when they comes together they strikes fire, and thatis love.’ ‘That’s right. How you may go and plague the gals.’ It is said that the Hew York shopkeepers hire fashionable young ladies to call in and walk out of their stores once in ten or fifteen minutes during the day, to attract customers by sympathy. The shopkeepers of Boston are much wiser than their neighbors of Hew York. They em- ! ploy lovely and bewicthing, as well as fashionably dressed, young ladies, to stand behind their counters all day, and smile sweetly on customers.

During the time of a great religious excitement, an honest Dutch farmer on the Mohawk was asked his opinion as to which denomination of Christians was on the right way to Heaven, ‘Yell den,’ said

he, * ven we ride our wheat to Albany, some say dish road is the best, and some say that :-but it don’t make much difference which road we dake, for when we get dere dev never ask us which way we come —and it’s none of their pizziness—if our wheat is good.’ ’Fkom Pole to Pole. —A merchant going home elevated, staggered against a telegraph pole. ‘Beg your pardon,’said he, ‘ I hope no offence. It’s rather dark, and the street is narrow, you see.’ In a few moments he came in contact with another pole. ‘ Couldn’t help it sir,’ said he, lifting his hat; ‘I never saw such crooked lanes as we have here in this city !’ Again he ran foul of a pole, this time with a force which sent him backward to the ground. ‘Look here, neighbor, you needn’t push a fellow down because he happens to touch you ; the road is as much mine as yours, and I have a muchright to be here as you have, you old stick in the mud !’ He picked himself up, and made another effort, to reach his home, but he soon came against another pole. ‘ I sha’nt make any more apologies,’ said he; ‘if you get into the middle of the street and stand in my way, that’s your look out and not mine.’ Proceeding on his journey again, and becomming angry and dizzy, he seemed to be entangled in an inextricable labyrinth of telegraph poles, which led him to make a general speech. * Gentlemen, you are not doing the fair thing. You do not give a man a chance. You run from one side of the street to the other, right in my way.’ Just then he met a friend, and taking him by the hand he said—* There a procession going along the street, and every man is drunk ; they have been running against me all the way from the club. I knocked one of the fellows down, and one of the fellows knocked me down, and then a lot of them gotaroundme,andlbelievethey wouldhave licked me within an inch of my life if you had not come to the rescue. Let us get out of this street before the procession comes back, for they are all drunk.’