Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 19, 3 June 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

A Cheque mate. —A wife. Love is an internal transport. So is a canal boat.

Why c\ne>a fln» Quoon fnrhid flirtnHon at her dancing parties ? Because she likes to have her Bal-moral.

A man who bumps his head against that of his neighbor ain't apt to think that two heads are better than one.

An unsuccessful politician says that the most difficult vacancies for him to fill are the vacancies in his own family's stomachs.

' Do you like cod fish balls, Mr WigginP' Mr W., hesitatingly—'l really don't know, miss; I don't recollect ever attending one. A boy's idea of having a tooth drawn : —* The doctor hitched fast on me, pulled his best, and just before he killed me the tooth came out.'

Mary Krumpasjtiskossoski was recently divorced from her husband at Jeffersonville, Ind., and now finds relief in her maiden name, Ponvintamatowski. A negress, speaking of one of her children who was lighter colored than the rest, said:—' I nebber could bear dat brat, 'cause he shows dirt so easy.' A western newspaper has hoisted the following as its motto ;— * Good will to all men who pay promptly. Devoted to news and making money.' Lady : ' Before I engage you, I should like to know what your religion is ?' Cook: ' Oh ma'am, I always feel it my duty to be of the same religion as the family I'm in.'

A western writer thinks that if the proper way to spell tho' is ' though' and ate * eight,' and bo ' beau,' the proper way to spell potatoes is ' poughteighteaux.' The new way to spell softly is * psoughtleigh.' • Sir,' said an astonished landlady to a traveller who had sent his cup forward the seventh time, ' you must be very fond of coffee.' 'Yes, madam, I am,' 'or I should never have drunk so much water to get a little.' An applicant for the ' professorship' in an Ohio school writes to the 'schoolboareed,' and sums up his qualifications by saying that he has ' touht 2 terms school & i attended college 4 yrs at detroit michigan, and am 26 yrs avage.' _ A young lawyer of Philadelphia wrote to an old limb near Chicago thus:—ls their an opening in your part of the country that I can get into ?' Answer:—' There is an opening in my back yard about thirty feet deep, no wall around it. If that will suit, come on.' A late Atalanta paper says :—' A lady in this city tied her hubby's hands and feet the other day, just for fun, and then went through his pockets for a certain billet

doux and found it. His physician tells him that his face won't be badly Bcarred, though he may remain permanently bald.' Mrs Partington considers the German language utterly repugnant to English tongues and ears. She could never bring herself, she says, to allude to her ' good man' as Herr, after being accustomed all her life to the expression ' him' as regards Mr P.

A Sad Case. —Dear Judy—Answer this question if you can : ' When is the alderman like a ghost up a tree ?' (now I know you can't guess it, Judy, so here is the answer) —' When he's a gobbling up a hash' —' Judy.' The Seevants.-—Old Lady—' They're all alike, my dear. There's our Susan (its true she's a Dissenter), but I have allowed her to go to chapel three times every Sunday since she has lived with me, and I assure you she dosen't cook a bit better than she did the first day !'

Anothee of Me Jaevis's Diagnoses.— 'O, good morning, Jarvis. You've not been ill again?'' No, Miss ; it's the Missus have been took indifferent this time!' ' What's the matter with her ?' ' Well Miss, the young medical gentleman, he says, to me : Why Jarvis ! he says, your Missus 'ave got bronghitis in hevery blessed limb of 'er body.' * I say, neighbors Snobs, if don't keep your hens out of my garden I will shoot them.' ' Yery well Doolittle, shoot away ; only if you kill any of my hens, throw them into my yard.' Crack went the fowling piece morning after morning and the fat hens were pitched into neighbor Snobs' yard. They cooked well. After a fortnight or more, Doolittle discovered Snobs never had any hens and that he had been shooting his own, they having broken out of their own coop.

The following arithmetical table is becoming very popular: 2 glance make 1 look. 2 looks makes 1 sigh. 4 sighs make 1 waltz. 3 waltzes make 1 palpitation. 2 palpitations make 1 call. 2 calls make 1 attention. 3 attentions make 1 fool (sometimes 2). 2 fools make I flirtation 1 flirtation-—2 bouquets=l engagement=l marriage.

A contemporary exclaims, ' It is a most horrible thing to die rich !' We presume he has tried it, and is therefore able to make the declaration so explicitly.

It is a singular fact that some ladies, who know how to preserve everything else, can't preserve their tempers. Yet it may easily be done on the self sealing principle. It is only to keep the mouth of the vessel tightly closed.