Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 18, 27 May 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

An American paper says that in Chicago bonnets are worn ‘ high,’ with a reef in the maintopsail and a spanker over the chignon.

‘Modesty’ asks, ‘What is the best method of popping the question ?’ It is a good deal like champagne—if it don’t pop itself, there is something wrong about it. A Eichmond, Ind., woman wants a divorce because ‘ she hasn’t seen her husband since he killed her father/ A Chicago lady dropped one of her eye brows in the church pew, and dreadfully frightened a young man sitting next her, who thought it was his moustache. A school girl was recently asked at an examination, by a gentleman, to tell him what Adam lost by his fall; and when pressed, she replied, ‘ I suppose it was his hat.’

A lady in Fond du Lac slipped on the ice and broke her leg, and the first remark she made after the accident was ‘ I wonder if Harry will marry me now ?’ How characteristic of a woman : Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give, but dreadful uneasy to take. ‘ I say, deacon, have you hunted down that chap that stole your overcoat and umbrella ?’ ‘ No, I have not molested him ; he will turn up in a world where neither overcoat nor umbrella will he of use to him.’ There is nothing more ludicrous than the impressive dignity of a drunkard. Such an one fell down a flight of stairs in Bellows Falls, the other night and a passer by fearing him injured ran to pick him up. But the man majestically staggered to his feet, and, in response to the proffered aid, roared out, ‘Now, you jes lemme lone. Wan’ no slobberin’ around’ me. I alius come down stairs that way !’

The wife of a manufacturer in an inland town, whose daughter was about to be married, sent notice to her friends, requesting that if they intended to make wedding presents of silverware, they should send the money instead, as she was about to visit New York, and would prefer to buy the articles herself, “ for it will be so nice to have the thing to match, you know.’ Ole Bull used to relate the following : He had been at Donnybrook, when he was attracted by the sound of a very loud violin in a tent. He entered and said to the player, ‘Mv good friend, do you play by note ?’ ‘ Divil a note, sir. * Do you play by ear then ?’ ‘ Never an ear, your honor.’ How do. you play, then ?’ * By main strength, be jabbers.’ A Grave Proposal.— On the subject of beadle peculiarities, I have received from Mrs Mearns of ELineff Manse, an exquisitely characteristic illustration of beadle professional habits being made to bear upon the tender passion A certain beadle had fancied the manse housemaid, but, at a loss for an opportunity to declare himself, one day (a Sunday) when his duties were ended, he looked sheepish, and said, ‘ Mary, wad ye tak’ a turn, Mary ?’ He led her to the churchyard, and pointed with his finger, got out, ‘ My fowk lie there, Mary. Wnd ye like to lie there?’ The grave hint was taken, and she became his wife, but does not yet lie there. The Eev. Mr M ,of Cannongate, Parish Church, Edinburgh, had been < before bis betters’ for using unparliamentary language ; but he got off with a slight reprimand. Returning to his flock one drizzly Sunday morning he entered the vestry, and, nodding to the beadle said, «Isn’t this a damp, cold morning, John? John, thinking the minister was continuing in his old ways, and mistaking the adjective ‘ damp’ for one with a somewhat similar sound, at once replied, ‘ Most hellish, sir.'