Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 16, 13 May 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

Saluting vessels—Smacks. A fit of Passion.—Getting married. The pale of Civilisation.—Pearl powder. Light is a most successful burglar —he is always breaking in upon some one. Is the Watch by the Rhine made of German silver ?

Why are ladies juster than men. ? Because they are the ‘ fairer’ sex. Whv does the washing come home on a Saturday P Because it’s the close (clothes) of the week. Yankee Impudence never fails.—The “ Alta California” states that a lady has written, inviting the Empress Eugene to lecture in the United States.

It is a singular fact that some ladies, who know how to preserve everything else, can’t preserve their tempers. Yet it may easily be done on the self sealing principle. It is only to keep the mouth of the vessel tightly closed. ‘ This world is all a fleeting show,’ said a priest to a culprit on the gallows. — ‘Yes,’ was the prompt reply : * but if you have no objection, I’d rather see the shadow a little longer.’

A Parson read as follows :— ‘ Moses was an austere man, and made atonement for the sins of his people.’ The clerk misunderstanding him spoke thus :— 4 Moses was an oyster-man, and made ointment for the shins of his people.’ Gardeners mind their peas, and actors their cues, but churchwardens, instead of minding their p’s and q’s very often give their attention to their pews and keys. An Indian girl, to keep off mosquitoes, bathed her face with benzine, and then went to a lamp to dry it. The minister who preached her funeral sermon advised his hearers never to fight the insects on that line if they bit all summer. Great amusement was created in Paris the other day by a representation in the Charivari of a cook tossing in the frying pan a cat anda rat. Beneath the drawing was the characteristic inscription : —‘ Enforced reproachement of two belligerents*’ An American paper gives the following receipt for going mad : —Be an editor; let the printer’s devil be waiting for copy ; sit down to write an article, and get a few sentences done ; then let an acquaintance diopin, and tell you gossips and stories of the town ; and let him sit, and sit, and sit. Very speedily you will be raving mad.

A fellow who had never enjoyed the pleasure of being coaxed out of his money by a pair of bright eyes swimming in tears, and consequently feels angry with those who have, cruelly remarks, ‘As people sprinkle the floors they sweep them before so wives sprinkle their husbands with tears in order to sweep cash out of their pockets.’ Loafers —Different nations have different kinds of loafers. The Italian spends his time in sleeping ; The Turkish loafer in dreaming; the Spanish, in praying ; the French in laughing,; the English, in swearing, the Russian, in gambling; the Hungarian, in smoking ; The German in drinking; and the American in talking politics. Just as the auctioneer was saying 4 Gone !’ a few evenings since, his audience went through the floor into the cellar, but happily without hurting any of them. The auctioneer, as soon as he found his legs, remarked that the accident would enable him to sell lower than before and called for a ‘bid,’ and they bid him 4 Good night.’ The Poet Longfellow, on one occasion, was at a dinner party, at which Nicholas Longworth was also present. Some one remarked to Mr Longfellow that his name and that of Mr Longworth’s commenced alike but made a dissimilar ending. 4 Yes replied the poet; 4 and it affords only another proof, I am afraid, that worth makes the man, the want of it the fellow.’

An Irish clergyman preached a discourse on the horrors of war, accompanied with a description of warlike gear. His definition of a bombshell was particularly amusing. ‘ A baumshell, my friends ;y on want to know what a baumshell is. Well I will tell you. A baumshell is a large hole, empty within, and filled with gunpowther.’ A Chinaman’s Letter. —A Chinaman of Benalla lias a grievance for the redress of which he applies to the prees. It seems that a boy was caught robbing his garden, and when taken before the local Bench the magitrate dismissed him with a caution. On this the Chinaman writes to the “ Ensign, as follows: —“ one boy go into my Garden and destroy £3 Os Od worth of water mellons the magistrate say him him too young to punish the Boy thirteen years and six months old me try to punish the Boy for his Badness it cost me four pounds,—Ah 3am Bet,