Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 14, 29 April 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

The Best Share in a Farm. —The Ploughshare. The founders of large fortunes are generally themselves too mean to enjoy them. Why need a gardner never lie poor ? Because he can raise his own salary (celery) every year. Why does the gorilla prefer the tropics to any other part of the world ? —Because it’s the only place he can call his zone. An Illinois postmaster gives notice as follows:— ‘ After this date everbody must lick their own postage stamps, for my ,tongne’s give out.’ A Welshman of most wonderful lineage, who bore a name of 19 syllables, died in Anglesea of mortification because no one could address him properly. Her New Character. —Mrs Malaprop is collecting autocrats, and will be grateful for any specimens of the hand writing of extinguished characters.

As the Cat Jumps.— -Party (with goose) -—‘Tot's up Bill?’ Friend— ‘Bowled if we ain’t been 'avin sassengers ’ere, and there’s old Tom a lookin’ for his lost relations a’ready.’ Cold Comfort. —A young lady having a faultless Grecian nose declines to adopt an old fashioned remedy for a cold —fearing that a prominent facial figure might appear to be of the ‘ composite’ order. * Age Commands Bespect :’—[Vide Copybook.]—Mother—‘Now Charlie, run and fetch the beer,’ Charlie—‘Ugh ! it’s a rainin’ so ’ard ’tain’ fit to turn a dog out in. Can’t ye send gran’father ?’ Putting it Mildly.— A Chicago paper politely remarks that it has ‘ another flagrant fiction impaled upon the fork of fact,’ and recommends this to editors as much more gentlemanly than the rough word, ‘ another lie nailed.’ An Unprofessional View of Things. —We are told that the College of Surgeon, haveresolved ‘ to discontinue mixed classes for the study of medicine.’ Something new this—for the Doctors to disapprove of Mixtures.

A country man from Danbury, Conn., whose load of hay was found to contain half a dozen paving stones when weighed for sale said he could not quite account for them, but he remembered that in turning out for a team on the road he * druv putty clus to wall.’ BevDr Stone, of San Francisco, visited all the brothels in the city one night to get items for a sermon. Among other' items he obtained a black eye, and had to pay for sixteen bottles of wine which the girls ordered at his expense. He took up a collection for the heathen to pay for the wine.—“ New York Herald.’

Fitz Hugh Ludlow, in his narrative of travel in ‘ The Heart of the Continent/ tells of an eccentric genius who improved on the old yarn to the effect that * the weather would have been colder if the thermometer had been longer/ by saying he had been where ‘ it was so cold that the thermometer got down off the nail/ The following curious advertisement is in an Arkansas paper.—‘.Whereas I, Daniel Clay, through misrepresentation, was induced to post my wife Ehoda in the papers, now I beg leave to inform the public that I have again taken her to wife, after settling all our domestic broils in an amicable manner, so that everything as usual goes on like clock work.’ A Story of ‘ Shop.’— A manufacturer in Hamburg was lately giving his partner, then residing in London, some information concerning the progress of their business, As he was sealing his letter the news of the taking of Orleans arrived ; he hastened to , add a postscript in these words (alludin; r to the evacuation of the city by tb e French), * All out of Orleans.’ The rec ipient of the letter instantly telegraph* id back, * Seven bales of Orleans are on t" he way/ _ Curing Him:.— Chicago is famous for its bacon. Here’s a wife who has b een curing her husband bacon wise ‘ Mr and Mrs Sanson, of Chicago, filed c: ross bills for divorce. He testified that she poured a pailful of boiling water ove f his head, and then scraped the hair off w ith a frying pan, he submitting— ‘ to see faow far she would go/ *