Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 13, 22 April 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

The man whose head was fairly turned says it feels very uncomfortable in that position. A lady walking with her husband on the beach enquired of him the difference between exportation and transportation. 'Why, my dear,' replied he, 'if you were on board yonder vessel, you would be exported, and I* should be transported.' Upon the marriage of one of her companions, a little girl about eleven years of age, of the same school, said to her parents, 1 What do you think ? Amelia is married, and she has not gone through her fractions •yet.' A little school-boy presented his teacher the following note from home as an excuse for tardiness :—' Baby cross biscuit* the bake had no baken powders the dog upset the kaughpy pot the cat licked the milk got up late excuse.' 'The husband who behaves unkindly to his wife deserves to have his house burnt over his head,' said a domestic tyrant to a lady who knew all about him. ' Then you ought to keep yours fully insured,' was the lady's retort. 'Paddy, my boy,' said a gentleman to an Irishman whom he observed fishing away at a favorite stream, • that must be a fine stream for trout.' • Faith, and sure it must be that same; for I have been standing here this three hours and not one of 'em will stir out of it.' A good story is told of a German shoe maker, who having make a pair of boots for a gentleman of whose financial integrity he had considerable doubt, made the following reply to him when he called for the articles:—' Der poors is not quite done, but der beel ish made out.' A bashful youngmanescorted an equally bashful young lady. As they approached the dwelling of thedamsel she said entreatingly, ' Jehial, don't tell any one you beau'd me home.' ' Sally,' said he emphatically, * don't you mind ; I am as much ashamed of it as you.' A volatile young man was introduced by his father to a gentleman whose patronage he wished to obtain. The youth's observations not having much solidity in them, he was objected to. ' Ay,' said the old man,' the boy, Sir, is like a pot of good beer; though there is plenty of froth at top, what's underneath is none the worse for it.' , • Eemember that life was but lent at nrst, and that the remainder is more than you have reason to expect, and conseqently ought to-be managed with more ordinary diligence. A wise man spends every day as if it were his last, his hour glass is always in his hand, and he is never guilty of sluggishness or insincerity.—Defoe. A fresh importation from the Eemerald Isle being sent by a lawyer to procure assistance to have his friend bailed out, returned, much to the surprise of the legal gentleman, with a couple of companions, armed with buckets and top-boots, whom he. could warrant would bail him out

quickly. Among the Sunday school children of a certain church was a poor little fellow. He could not tell the number of the house in which he lived, and was charged when he next came to school to bring it. The next time he appeared he was asked if he had brought the number. ' No, Sir,' said he, * it was nailed on the door so tight that I couldn't get it off.' Hab*> on the Pbofession.—A country paper says that during a trial in court, a young lad who was called as one of the witnesses.was asked if he knew the obligation of an oath, and where he would go if he told a lie. He said he supposed he should go where all the lawyers went. Smith (who had foigetfully left his pocket book'on the piano last night):— • Have you found anything this morning, Angelina?' Angelina: 'Oh, yes, dear! r thanks! I have ordered a new piano stool, some lace curtains, and such a love of a bonnet V Cheerful for Smith.

Why will the Parisians, when the seiga is over, be the most intelligent people in the world ? Because all the asses in Paris will have been eaten. What Mabeting toue Pead Wife's Sister Implies.—A cynic suggests that the marrying a deceased wife's sister implies either that the husband has treated his first wife very kindlv or very cruelly. If kindly, the sister wishes to experience the same treatment; if cruelly to avenge it. , A strong lazy fellow, who preferred begging to work, called on a gentleman, and, asked for ' cold victuals and old clothes.' The gentleman asked him what he did for a living. ' Not much,' said the fellow, ' except travelling/ ' Travelling! Then you can travel pretty well?' 'Oh yes,' said the beggar, I'm very good at that.* • Well, then," said the gentleman, coolly opening the door, ' Lets see you travel.' Some years ago there lived in an Eastern town an old man who had a propensity for 'hooking' small and portable articles that came in his way. Ashe was poor and past labour, and well knowmabout town, no further notice was taken of his peculations than to keep a sharp look-out when he was around. A dealer had a quantity of dry fish landed on the wharf at an hour too late to get them into his store, and ashe was about covering them with an old sail cloth, he espied old 8., appaently reconnoitering. Selecting a couple of the fish, he said: 'Here, 8., I must leave these fish out here to-night, and I will give you these two if you will promise me that you will not steal any.' ' That is a fair offer. Mr A., but—well-—I don't know,' with a glance at the offered fish and then at she pile, ' I think I can do better.'