Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 12, 15 April 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

Poor pigs, they are doctored the wrong way round—killed first and cured afterWhen Lot'9 wife was turned to salt, he took a fresh one. . A toast may be eaten or drunk, and is of either sex, according to your fancy. Poultry keeping ought to answer, for every grain you give a fowl it gives a peck. , Murmurs of the tied.—The grumblings of a married couple. m From the Farmyard .—-A hen is not immortal and yet her son never sets. Men born blind can't be carpenters, because they never saw. The difference between a bride and bridegroom is this—one is given away and the other sold. What's the difference between a chilly man and a hot dog P—one wears a great coat and the other pants. " When he shot at me the third time, said a Californian teamster, speaking of a ruffian who attempted to assassinate him—- " when he shot at me the third time, I began to think he meant business so I up with my rifle, and put a bullet into his head." ... The Paris opera house physician uses the galvanic battery to cure singers of hoarseness. They are so shocked that they don't know wether they are hoarse or not and immediately sing and electrify the house. - Summary Notice to Quit.—The story of the dandy who showed how much art exceeded force by separating two dogs by clapping his snuff box to their noses is capped by the landlord of the inn at Dalnacardoch, quite an original in his way. In winter a number of the neighboring shepherds assemble at his house to drink, crack jokes, and wile away the long nights. Sometimes they get quarrelsome. When a fray is brewing, our hero puts a quantity of cayenne pepper in a bib of brown paper makes the tongs red hot, lifts the packet with them, and holds it at the bottom of the door. The result is magical. An inveterate sneezing and coughing commences, which is instantly succeeded by a rush to the door, and a break-up of the company. Two Elmira gentlemen, one married and the other not, both Charlies, met in social companionship at a convivial supper. Time brought midnight and perhaps somewhat muddled brains, and the married Charlie on retiring put on his friends overcoat instead of his own—which exchange was not known till he reached home, where.his young wife, in brushing the garment, accidentally put her hand into a side pocket and drew out a note neatly addressed to "Charley," which Tead: " Do not go to that horrid supper, love, but come to me instead. I am so lonely. Your devoted Kate." Instantly a journey to Chicago was announced by the enraged wife, and fearful warfare might have disturbed that domestic board, bad not further investigations in the luckless overcoat told the story of the exchange. The legal profession almost monopolises the higher posts of the present French Government. There are six barristers in the Government of National Defence, viz: Picard, Cremieux, Arago, Favre, Ferry, and Gambetta, and their four secretaries are of the same profession. Six of the Ministers, nine of the higher ministerial officials, the police perfect and his general secretary, 24 of the commissioners despatched to *he departments with extraordinary military and political powers, the whole of the newly formed Council ot State, the eight men at the head of the Paris Municipal Government, ten of the sanitary and food commissioners, six members of War department, six diplomatists, arid five sfinance official are also advocates. A Paris journal says: "We have certainly a Government of Defence, for it consists of barristers. The Dutchman's Cidee. —In the small village of B—, in the State of Pennsylvania, there lived a Dutchman, who was famous for making the best cider in the neighborhood, and was equally famous for

keeping it, and as yet no person but himself and family had been permitted to taste the good stuff. At last one of his near neighbors said he was determined to taste it. Accordingly he went to the Dutchman's house, and entered into conversation with him concerning his crops, &c.,and by degrees led him to speak of his cider. He then said to him, " I understand you make very good cider ?" " Yaw," replied the Dutchman. " Hans, my poy, go bring a mug full!" Hans soon returned with a mug brimming full, and handed it to the Dutchman, who drained it to the bottom at one draught; then turning to his astonished visitor, said, "Dere now, if you dosh not dink dat goot cider, joost you Bchmell te mug."