Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 5, 25 February 1871, Page 18

Varieties.

Paris ‘Fashions’ are now described as tears and lamentations.

India rubber rats which squeal and kick are now given to poodle dogs to play with.

When is a chimney like a chicken ? When it is a little foul.

Because horses are used to reins, it does not follow that they are unaffected by wet weather.

One of the most important rules of-the science of manners is an almost absolute silence with regard to yourself. When Paris was found to be too tight a place for the Bank of France, the Bank was taken to another place— Toulouse. Why is a clever grammarian never involved in quarrels ?—Because he is master of His own tongue. Why must a line drawn by a pen always be on a slope?—Because it’s always on the ink-line (incline).— Judy. A Yankee editor says that the girls complain that the times are so hard that the young men can’t pay their addresses. A man cannot possess anything that is better than a good wife, nor anything that is worse than a bad one.

The young man who sang ‘l'm lonely since my mother died,’ isn’t quite so lonely now. The old man married again, and his stepmother makes it lively enough for him.

A Chinese thus describes a trial in the English Law Courts '•— ‘ One man is quite silent, another talks all the time and twelve wise men condemn the man who has not said a word.’

* I’m afloat!’ screamed a young lady of powerful lungs and fingers to match as she execised both at the piano. ‘ I should think you were,' growled an old bachelor, ‘judging from the squall you raise.’ ‘ My dear Polly, .1 am surprised at your taste in wearing another woman’s hair on your head,’ said Smith to his wife.’ *My dear Joel am equally astonished that you persist in wearing another sheep’s wool on your back. There now/ A farpaer* who had engaged the services of a son of the Emerald Isle, sent him out one morning to harrow a piece of ground. He had not worked long before all the teeth came out of the harrow. Presently the farmer went out into the field to take note of Pat’s progress, and asked him how he liked harrowing. Oh, replied Pat, ‘it goes a bit smoother now since the pegs are out.

The presentation 1 of a diamond ring to a Cincinnati actress the other day gave a gifted reporter of that city the opportunity for this remarkable outburst:—lt was a trifling tribute from an humble admirer of the drama to a brilliant beacon upon the shot-tower of histrionic genius. A new Albany lover, knowing a savage dog was kept on the premises by his sweetheart’s father, took an equally ferocious cur with him the other night, and set the two fighting. While the old man was separating the animals the lovers eloped out at the backdoor.

To decline all advice, unless the example of the giver confirms his precepts, would be about as sapient as if a traveller were to refuse to follow the directions of a finger post unless it drew its one leg out of the ground, or rather hopped after its own finger.

A young and pretty lady in New Orleans has undertaken a novel missionary work, which is likely to expose her to criticism, though she is evidently in earnest. She is visiting the concert saloons in that city for the purpose of reforming the habitues of those establishments. Her method is to sing a few hymns at each place, accompanying herself on the piano. Health has much to do with physical beauty. It gives a lovely contour to the figui’e, elasticity to the limbs, flexibility to the muscles, and agility to the whole body. It paints the rose-tint on the cheek ; it tones the complexion and softens the skin. It adds lustre to the eye and tenacity to the spirits. A fascinating youth of Louisville was recently very badly ‘ sold’ by the matron of the Kentucky State Prison, in whose daughter he seemed to evince a very strong interest while travellingin a railroad car. Thinking that .the flirtation had continued long enough, she suddenly changed her seat to the side of the young man and whispered in his ear ‘ Sir, you are a total stranger to me, but I feel it to be my duty to warm you of impending evil. That young lady is just out of the State Prison.’ A passenger got off at the next station.

An Important Month. —In twentyeight days ten battles were fought, and three hundred thousand men sent to the hospitals, to captivity, or the grave.— Edinburgh Review on the war. The new muffs for this winter have small looking glasses inserted in the under side, which make them very convenient. A man in Boston is said to be so short that, when he is ill, he don’t know whether he has headache or corns.

A woman should always remember that her clothes should be in expense and quantity proportioned to her own circumstances, and not those of her'neighbor. Physiological Query. —lf a man has carroty hair and a turnup nose, with a radish complection, must be necessarily have vegetable marrows in his bones ?

Gorgeous Scenery. —Alderman Phatgreen says it’s all very well to talk about the beautiful valleys you see in Switzerland ; but he’s met with most splendid gorges in the City. If you would relish your food, labor for it; if you would enjoy your rament, pay for it before you wear it; if you would sleep soundly, take a clear conscience to bed with you. A Feast. —The gentleman who commenced the repast by eating his own words followed it up by partaking of humble pie, •wallowed an insult immediately after, and got his desert at the end. Putting a Good Face on it ! Artist, to sitter—Your ladyship’s favorable opinion of the portrait is very gratifying. It is of the more value, as I know you paint yourself. Many a man raised from poverty and obscurity to wealth and honor can trace his rise to his civility. Civility will always reproduce itself in others, and the man who is always polite will be sure to get as much as he gives. ‘No man,’ says Lord Bacon, ‘will be deficient in respect towards others who knows the value of respect to himself.'