Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 286, 23 December 1905, Page 12

Entre Nous

TERE is the -'chestnut" that recently took first pmze m a chestnut competition. About nan© hundred people in a thousand have neard it, and it is only repeated for the odd hundred. Lady and! her husband going to a swell dance. Husband slips while getting out of the cab, and falls, tearing the knee of his dress pants badly. Hustled, under escort of the lady and a maid, into the ladies' dress-ing-room, which is empty. Girl guards door. Pins brought into play, which make the rent only more apparent. Suggested that the gentleman remove the pants, -while his wife stitches them. It is done. • • • A lady faints in an ante-room. Furious knocking at the door. "We must have the dressing-room." Man's mfc bundles trousers into a corner, and husband through a "cupboard" door. Then opens dressing-room door to admit f a-nted- lady. Terrible commotion inside "cupboard." Agonised voice of trouserless man. "Let me in ! Let me in!" "You can't come in. There s a lady in here!" "But— you've locked 1 me out into the ballroom 1" Curtain! * ■*■ "* Seated one day at the — pianola, my sweetheart was singing to me ; and her voice had all plain sailing till it struck a very high C. I know not what she was singing — I hope I won't hear it again — but she struck one bunch of music like the squawk of a frightened •han. I could see she was foundering swiftly, so I founder another song, for the breakers were certain; to breaker in pieces before very long- But hard as I tried to save her, the last that I saw was she, without even a life preserver, adrift on love's high C * • • "An Auckland Traveller" sends us a complaints from a Taranaki township. He writes that the general manager of a large commercial concern in the North has also the control of some tea-rooms wherei nare employed young ladies. Also asserts, with, a gtfad dejal of vehemence, that these young ladies — who are all personally known to the manager's wife I—must1 — must put up with his "fond attentions" or go. Our correspondent asserts he has a sister emnloyed at the tea-rooms. Hence his concern. If he feete that what he asserts is true, and! the lives of the yonnPT ladies are being made unbearable by the attentions of a man who is looked upon up NortH with a large amr>un* of respect, heshould make complaint to the man's directors, and adduce proof.

Sunday last was a lovely day — until tired pleasure-seekers were, returning home, after sunny hours spenib in sylvan letreats, and all that sort of thing. It you remember, it rained. Ladies with light, summery silk garb, with transparent sleeves and yokes, but without umbrellas, were an impressive spectacle. There were a lover and his Lass who ai rived in Cuba-street dienched to the skin. They attracted such great attention, with their cfluunug habiliments that a crowd of people cheered them vociferously. The youth, not in the. least alarmed, escorted has fair one through the, crowd in quite a triumphal fashion, raising his hat and bowing gracefully all the way. • • • Sunday, too, was the day on which the momentous Wales— New Zealand football news was generally known.. There was a crowd! in front of the "Evening Post" office. One odd gentleman raised his hat, and vel ed, "Three cheers for gallant Wales' There wasn't a sound. We were taking our little licking very badly. Talking about football and Welshmen reminds us of hats, and! hate remind us of cats and bats and Pats. This is a story about the latter, and the volunteer officer who whispered it into our strained ear brought a testament to swear on. He reckons that When he c=mmaided a Scottish volunteer corps down, South a distinguished soldier on a tour of New Zealand went along to unofficially inspect it, as the men composing it were admitted to be a fine body of men. The commanding officer, vera proud of his corps, had been telling the Englishmen, that they were a hard lot of Scots, and) especially called 1 his attention to a sergeant in the company, a magnificent, red-headed parson, six feet four in height. 'There's a Scotchman for ye, sit!" screamed tihe O.C. m ecstacy. "Yes," said the Englishman, he certainly i® a fine figure of a man. Then, addiressinig the giant, he asked • "And what part of Scotland! do you come fiom, Sergeant?" Quick came the answer- "Cork, sorr!" This is a wife-beating story, and the row that was happening in a suburban hohme brought a large gathering of people into the front garden. There was the sound of heavy whacks and screams. The people called the man a brute, and a retired plumber, who used to be pretty useful with his hands, asked if he 'would go in and plug the brute?" The people said "Yes," but at that moment the "brute/ looking fearfully dishevelled and. panting horribly, rushed out. The plumber rushed the "wife-beater," and shook him like a burglar "shakes" a watch, and asked him what he meant b<v beating his wife. The "brute" was still in his grip, when the poor, beaten wife rushed out with an axe-handle, and hit the plumber a smart tap on his new bowler hat. "Here," she yelled, "don't you go a-interferin' with me 'usband. I've given him all the 'ammerin' he wants. You jest clear, d'ye hear?" They "cleared," and pondered sadly on the decadence of man and the masculinity of women.

A little story embedded in a new play. Lalxmiing gentleman strolling along the bank of a canal saw a friend struggling in the water — drowning. •'Hello 1" he said, "there's old Bill Williams a droundmg. I'll go and pinch liis job!" He went and applied for the job, only to find that the man who had pushed Bill in had got there before him! . * » An extraordinary rund of information was brought to light by one of our brilliant lawyers during a oross-examan-ation in the polioe court the other day. The legal luminary had asked tue witness for particulars about certain individuals. "Now, sir, how tall were these persons!" The witness thought a moment, and said, "One was about sft. 6in., and the other about sft. Bin." "And now," continued the lawyer, in bus most lmpiessive manner, "which of these men was the taller?" Witness answered smartly, "Why, the sft. Bin. one." And 1 the Bench) seemed to foxget for a moment the solemnity proper in a court of justice. * • • That wondrous insect called the bee Gets commendation ample, And for his ceaseless industry Is made the youth's example. Yet though in nb short life we find There's something to oommendi, It's just as well to bear in mind He has an awful end. « • • The barmaid, who is a retired schoolteacher, with a B.A. degree, was telling some experiences over the bar to a couple of. young recently-passedl lawyers. It was the outcome of an assertion by the youth wearing the. square head and the magenta tie asserting fcha^ he could tell Jink's ale from Bink's by the first s^p. The bar-lady remarked that moist fellows were connoisseurs. She had a connoisseur in the bar yesterday. He called for Hennessey's Three Star brandy. She whipped over the bottle. He took a nip. "Ah 1" he unctuously remarked. 'That's the stuff, all right! I've been trying to get a drink of it all day, and! this is the first genuine nip I've had. You can't deceive me, you know. I can tell the real stuff every time!" "That 'Three Star." remarked the lady to the lawyer, had been drawn out of the draught barrel ten minutes before!" « « • Then the lawyer had a. say. There were two connoisseurs who went into the Twelve Bells Hotel (we will say). "Mine's a Schnapps!" said one. "Mines a dry gin!" piped the other. "Huh!" said Schnapps. "Dry gin? It's a horror." "Go on," replied dry gin, "Schnapps is no class!" They took their drinks. It was all out of the same barrel of dry gin! Another quiet true story about ih& cursed derrink. "I want Talker's whisky!' said a customer; "none of yer beastly foreign muck !" The girl — a new-chum — handed over the bottle. The man liked it very much. "That's the real thing!" he said. "Yes," asked Miss Innocence, "still the miafeusi always fills all the whisky bottles from the same cast!"

The telepnone, it is said, makes slow progr_b';» in Russia, and) small wonder! Fancy a man going to an instrument and shouting : "Hulloa ! Is that you, Dviasastkivsmartvoisczki ?" "No, it i 3 Zoliemischouskaffirnocknstiffs! Whojs L nai speaking?" "Seximochockrieirbyecrasksmakiscihohonkemoff. I want to know xi Xliferomawskeinskili majuwchvastowskreweibierski is stall stopping w-.t .1 Dvisatkivsmartvoicsski P" • • • They are a queer lot in Westamlia* The other day a rampaging cow broke loose, rushed into a drapery emporium — since which everything is below cost price — horned the shop-walker, and carried the cash-till out into the next street. There it bowled a girl off A bike, perforating her throat, and injuring her badly. Then, it chased a parson round the churchyard, until the cleric ran up a column quicker than, a ledger clerk. The police came on the scene, and began yarding the cow, but the cow wouldn't be yarded. • • • Then, they lert the oow, which horned three other people, overturned a cab, and charged a perambulator full of dirty clothes. The police had! retired in order to get the permission of one Attorney-General to (shoot the cowl The police arrived with its shooting, irons just as a stockman from the country rode the cow down andl stunned it with a stirrup-iron. The police arrested the man for killing the cow, and, as he couldn't pay the fine and damages — m all £B— he is at present in gaol. While Mr. Dinnae was in Tasmania, telling the Van Demons how to run the "foorce," he might have slipped around! and given the sandlanders a bit of a hint too. • • • In his own way, the Far North settler is a colonial Mark Tapley. ,jwen his road difficulties, serious as they seem to the visitor, are the subject of a joke. Ti-tree fascines, for example, with a liberal blending of yellow clay, are known in the bright lexicon of the back-blocks as "Northern metal." It is the only kind of metal that some road!s have ever known. * * Tram conductors are such Bmairtlydressed people in Wellington that one may be pardoned for believing they are touring noblemen from England. There is an inimitable French gentleman at present in Wellington, who has the reputation of being a duellist who has killed his man. There was a tram conductor looking in a shop window in Willis-street on Thursday, and M. the Frenchman stood behind him, also gazing at the jewellery. The conductor stepped back — on to the foot of Monsieur. He was furious. Spluttering with rage, he handed the guard his pasteboard. "'Ere is my ca — r-r-rd, sir!" he hissed. "Oh, that's yer card us it?" said 1 the guard 1 , looking at it with interest. He withdrew his punch from his pooKet, and put a border of holes round it, and handed 1 it back. "Oh, well, so long, I must be jigging I" he remarked.

Maybe you have heard the story of the Irish coal porter who carried' two tons ot coal up three flights of stairs, and took four hours to do it. When he had finished, the man who had bought the coal gave Pat sixpence. Pat remarked that he wasn't going to worruk for nothing, and) carried it all down again. A propos of Pat, there is a timber man at Island Bay, and he ordered a shipload of sawn- trees, and the ship came along and. began to dump its load at Island Bay, where it was wanted. The story goes that half the load was dumped at the interesting suburb, which was its destination., when the Wellington Harbour Board suddenly awoke to the enormity of the crane that was being commuted. It sent a terrible message to the owner, telline him not to land any of his timber any more at Island Bay, and commanding him to re-load and bring it up to Wellington, where, of course, it could be carted per dray back to Island Bay again. Anybody who wants to do things in a reasonable, sensible manner, has to reckon with the Harbour Board, who, if the story is true, insist on the kind of doublebarrelled foolishness hereinbefore mentioned. • ♦ • Another distressing story that one cannot for a moment believe, of course. The story is to the effect that, previous to the elections, the suburbs included in the Newtown electorate attracted population very largely. That, in fact, certain families who had never before shown any disposition for a suburban life drifted thither, and took their relatives. That also -^ became almost impossible to get a house in those suburbs, and that the rents paid for every available house were lar,c*e-— and paid' by the brewers! That the tenure of these houses expired directly after the election. • • • Now, the average person, knowing the average publican to be a main of the very highest moral principle, who would scorn to buy votes, and who would lather die than do anything shady will reject the allegation, with soorn. It is, of course, quite safe to assume that the brewers had no hand in the matter. And, besides, supposing a brew&r paid the rent of a family for three months, what guarantee has he got that the family will leave the top line standing? He would hardly get them to swear an affidavit before a J.P- or a lawyer or a notary, would he? Peace, argitated Prohibitionists! The brewer can do no wrong. • * * A tale of true grit He was a small boy. and he was kicking a lump of rag along the gutter, and 1 he was as darty as the heart of any boy could desire. A gentleman, who hadl never been m a boy himself, or had forgotten about it, said: "Oh, you dirty little beggar! Here, son, how old are you?" "I m seven 1" said the boy, smearing some mud on his fOl ehead with the back of his hand. "You're more than seven, my lad!" said the gentleman. "No, I ain't!" protested the nipper. "Don t contradict!" said the stern man. "You couldn't get all that dirt on you mthe time!" # This gentleman hates dirt, and the new office-boy of his— well, he isn't as clean as the driven snow. He came down to work <a bit smudgy one mourning, and the "boss" asked) him why he didn't wash himself before he left home? "I do!" he said. "Why," returned the "boss," "I know what you had for breakfast this morning. There is egg all over youa* face!" "Didnt have eggs this mornin.' see, 'cos it was the day before yesterday!" Case proven. Sentence, seven days "hard — water 1 • • • The average naughty little boy is a most interesting study, and one is glad that he is naughty, because naughtiness is fine and breezy. Only the good little boy dies young. The naughty boy grows up to be Prime Minister. Take a seat in a shop where they sell lollies and marbles and tops and that sort of thing, and wait for the average boy. One boy rushed into a Cuba-Street shop the other day, and said to the shop-lady : "Do you sell them, penny balloons for nothing?" He looked absolutely pathetic when told that penny balloons were sold at that price. Later, another little boy came in with lots of money. "I've got sixpence to spend)!" he said, his eyes dancing. "Show me something !" They showed him a great many sixpenny articles. His final selection was a penny string of blue beads! • ♦ ♦ Five minutes later another boy came in, armed with wealth. He wanted a trumpet. He fingered a twopenny instrument lovingly, and blew down. it. "Will you take it?" asked the shopkeeper. "I'll tell you in a minute!" said the boy, and dashed breathlessly out, and raoed like a three-year-old for the hills. He was going to consult a friend a couple of miles away.

Schoolmasters, too, tell some odd stories about boys. One master, who is trying to put down juvenile smoking lately, saw a blue smoke ourl rising from a group of boys. He got into the circle, and 1 found a seven-year-old was apparently the culprit. Anyhow, on the off chance, he searched! the boy, and found half-a-poeketful of filthy, discarded cigarette ends. "Why don't you give up this filthy habit ?" he asked the boy. Like a world-worn roue, the blase youth, perfectly in earnest, replied • "Please, sir, I've tried to, and; I can't!" There is a boy in one> of the schools who is not beautiful. There was a boy alongside him the other day who was a uew boy. The new boy was discovered by the master to be weeping bitterly. The dominie went to him. "What is the matter with Winks?" he asked of a near boy. "Please, sir, Bender looked at him 1" "Bender" was the unbeautiful boy. ♦ • • One other boy is a bit of a humorist, or has a hurrorous parent. Just before the holidays he rose violently in his seat. The master was angry at this breach of discipline. "Sit dlrnvn!" he said. "When you desire to stand up first ask for permission by raising the hand !" The boy sat down, and then shot his hand into the air. The hand was clasping a walking-stick. It astonished the master. "Well?" he asked. "Please, sir," said the boy — and these are his exact words — "we thought that as you were an expert hand wth the ' stick this would be

a most appropriate breakingjup present!" And, as the boys really thought a great deal of the master, and had tli ought of this presentation without prompting, the master didn't use the new stick on that smart pupil. * * * Just one more boy story. Boy about eight going round with a baker's carter. Boy dehveied a stale loaf to a lady. Lady complained. ''You won't bring me stale bread any more!" she asked, "will you?" He replied: "No, lady, I'll take me oath I won't!" <c Whatdo you say when you 'take your oath' ?" asked the lady. Throwing back his little head, and raising his hand, he exclaimed, with great revierenoe, "Dmkum, Amen!" And it seems to be as good a "swear" as any. • • • One Prohibitionist, orator was caught on the hop a few evenings ago. He had just addressed a street crowd upon the evils of the liquor traffic, when a frowsy -looking customer leaning against an adjoining shop-front fired at Mm an observation that it was quite possible to get drunk on water. "Oh no, my friend," said the orator, sweetly "water is tne pure and) beneficent gift of Nature. Nobody ever got drunk on water." "Just shows howmuch -™ou know 'bout it," returned tine frowsy person. "You come out for a cruise in our fishing-boat, and I'll show you that it's quite as easy to eaet drunk on the water as on land, see if I don't." The joke wasn't new, but apparently the temperance man hadn't heard it before.