It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 274, 30 September 1905, Page 22

It is Town Talk

—That 'Phosphorous Jack," the idiot with the blazing waistcoat, has only got as far as Petone on his way to Porirua. — That a recent Southern stoke only threw one man out of work. The match, he struck burnt his whare — and himself. — That the House of Loands has again — for the third time — thrown out the Street Betting Bill. Their lordlships play bridge. — That the City Council have not yet given a few washerwomen a job to scrub out the filthy tram-waiting huts along the line. T7gh! — That this is the season of lamb litters. One lady sheep at Ashburton bJas six lambs "at foot." Prohibition performs miracles! — That when a man complains that he has not a friend on the wthole earth, you can make up your mind that he has been trying to borrow money. — That a man, most of whose lafe has been spent in gaol, has been seen, at large in Wellington, and the police are not at all alarmed. He is a warder. — That the banks aro calling in all the dirty bank-notes now in circulation. Poor little microbes ! Some of them are old enough to have grey whiskers. — That a gentleman thus advertises in a country paper : — "Notice, — John Jinks, carter, is not the John Jinks who was hanged for murder in 1864. — John Jinks." — That a well-known and. extremely pious citizen has had an unexpected win of £80 in a Tattersall'tb. sweep. He declares the ticket was 1 given to him by a friend. — That a Taihape gentleman is suffering from a poisoned ear. Another gentleman, who is possibly neither a vegetarian nor a prohibitionist, had been feeding on it. — That every member of the New Zealand football team will be approached 1 by Home olubs to stay in the Old Country to teach the Homelanders the noble art of Rugby. — That a prominent Wellington pareon on Sunday preached! a stirring antitheatre sermon, andi extolled Shakespeare. Might as well praise pig and curse bacon. "Bacon" is good. — That flhe Napier story of two large constables handcuffing the hands of an accused small, weak man, just out of hospital, behind' his back, isn't likely to compel respect for the methods of the "Fooroe." — That Cornishmen and! Welshmen are the old original ancient Britons who kept the Roman hosts at bay, and! stayed where they were. The cider-drink-ers of the far west, however, are not invincible — at football. — That, 'according to a country paper, "the police have in their possession a bunch of skeleton keys, and the owner may have them by calling." Also, the owner may have a year's gaol if he is foolish enough to call. — That "Fresco Bad," an American shoeblack, is on his way to New Zealand to shine the boots of Mr. Seddon after he has illuminated the pedal understandings of King Edward, Kaiser Wilhelm, and other lesser celebrities. — That M.H.R. Buchanan tells how he chased a canvasser out of the precincts of the House by throwing lumps of coal at him. The canvasser wasn't as persistent as most of his class, or he would have stopped! to pick up the free fuel. — That when the stout young gentleman who pastes the bills on the "Post" window put one up with the magic word "football" on it, after the Cousin Jack-New Zealand match, he was looked upon as a national hero. Even the cars stopped. — That a West Coast Parliamentary candidate was asked if he favoured locking up the New Liberal Party until after the elections. He replied that if left alone they would follow the moa, the ichthyosaurus, and! other thickskinned animals. — That, in the Magistrate's Court, the other morning, His Worship found occasion to ask, as he read a document • "Are there "two William Smiths ?" To which the policeman from Cork remarked : "Both of thdm arre the same person, your Worship!"

TShat many a woman spends a lot of time looking for a husband after she gets him. — That bowlers are lovingly taking their chunks of timber out of the net and trundling them round the di awing room preparatory to "kissing kitty" on the verdant sward. That the Piemier would enact that no house should be built without a bath and sanitary arrangements. There are 2000 houses in Wellington without drainage of any kind. — That thus a gentleman charged with shooting deer: "I never shot a deer in me life with a gun except once, and then it was a rabbit, and I knocked it over with a stone." Soilenoe! — That Mr. Buchanan, who "rocked" the inventor out of th© House of Parliament, has not yet been sent to Petone to "rook" "Phosphorscent Jack" into his proper place — the meoital hospital. — That this is the quaintest "wanted" of the week : "Wanted, a strong man for the milking ; one who can impart elementary education preferred." Evidently those oows are going in for an examination. — That two American corporals have been mad© generals of the Chinese Army. They are to teach the yellow man the a,rt of Western war. They should also gather in a couple of American war correspondents. — That writers are not necessarily orators. J. Youlin Birch, of "Moorish Maid" fame, called before the curtain on Monday evening, after composer Alf . Hill, gave his pent-up sioul ease by exclaiming : "I say ditto to Mr. Hill."

What turned the microbe out of home And drove him far o'er earth to roam, Of all his race the last ! What harries him from day to day, And drives those colds and coughs away, He manufactures fast ? Ancestral spirits cry " en masse," Woods' Gbeat Peppebmint Cuke, alas.

Jinks."