It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 273, 23 September 1905, Page 22

It is Town Talk

That there is a large demand among local ladies for works on. statuary and tape measures. —That Gisborne calls the. attention of the civilised world' to its terrific progress. It is to have a new gaol. That it would not be incorrect to refer to the new engagement ring of a local lady — who is more than eighteen — as a "Band of Hope." —That sinful Waihi, of all plaices in New Zealand, is in the throes of a religious revival. "Quarts" are almost unknown in the mining district noiw. That "the police have in their possession a purse containing money. The rightful owner may have the puirse on application." But, what about the money ? —That "the wicked flee when mo man pursueth," but two local burglars fled when a couple of girls looked; through a slide and shook frail fists. Poor little burglars ! —That just as truly as "eggs is eggs," "potatoes is potatoes" at the present tame. Also, they are "spuds,' "bog oranges,' "Irish apples,' and several other things. —That Riordan, New Zealand's champion -wrestler, goes to thie Hand to take a mining job. Plenty of scope for catch-as-catch-can and other science amon? the Flowery-landers. —That a very swell golfer at Miramar scorns to carry his own golf stick from point to point. Having made a more or less T>oor stroke, he lets his club fall. The caddie does the nest — aw ! That "You are charged with drunkenness. What have you to say?" was a question in the police court on Thursday. "I say it is an untruth," replied the gentleman. "I was charged with beer!", — That a veay prominent churchman has resigned membership because the "Rev. Mr. makes the congregation laugh." Religion, of course, ought to make one feel "nice and miserable." — That a ranger with an ey© to business dould gather a large assortment of splendid draught horses by taking a suburban ramble any Sunday. Mostly the horses feed on people's hedges and lawns. — That Jaoan and Russia had evidently heard" of the need for space in the papers, and kindly concluded their little war before the New Zealand footballers' and the- British dittos "got to holts. 1 ' — That cleanliness is not next to godliness in Auckland. A man was fined 5s for painting his fence on Sunday. A man gets fined a like amount for painting the whole town red on a week-day. > — That Prohibition is responsible for strange -things. An Ashburtom cat has been found mothering three rabbits. When Prohibition spreads, the "lion will lie down with the lamb,' and all that sort, of thing. — That a Maori doctor up North has been performing "cures" by biting his sick brethren on the chest and head. He fell ill, and Dr. Pomare humoured him and cured l him by giving him bewitched broth. — That a Wairarapa man was fined £10 and costs for shooting a deer. He didn't belong to the Acclimatisation Society. H© could have killed several horses with over-work for about a twentieth of the fine. That, according to an "esteemed contemporary," a "fool, valued at £30, strayed on to the railway line, and was killed." It is a large price for a fool, but if you spell it "foal" you g|et the strength of the situation. — That one of our learned judges was partially paralysed a few dla,ys since by a defendant who told! him if he wanted to speak to him he would have to come over imto the box— "as I'm deaf." The usual blotting-paper trumpet was used. — That the Newspaper Proprietors' of New Zealand are not banging many saxpences over cables about the New Zealand football team's English matches. With general cable news it is different, because theta. the Australian dailies pay the primie cost. — That the Prohibitionists of Westland have kindly decided not to nominate a candidate to run. against the Premier for his seat. So, of course, a Prohibitionist has lost a dead-sure chance of becoming an M.H.R. He has saved his "tenner," however.

—That the surest way to become notorious for your eccentricity is to mmd your own business. —That it has not yet been decided whether Sir Martin Kennedy will wear his coronet in, public. —That Percy Dawson, the* defaulting Auckland racing secretory, held the ping-pong championship for years. —That love which is blind 1 enough to face a £5 expense on >a 30s salary, is not cdlour-blindr— when the blue-papers come along 1 That at the Ashburton races last weak a horse named l "Prohibition" was defeated. Although he got second place, he pa:d no dividend! That the cry of British football barrackea-s in Wellington, is- "Wait until they get to Wales !" That Devon hokinfir has got om thedr nerves. — That another Auckland girl has been eating matches — because she could not strike one with the mam of her heart. Happily, she will get better. That some Austrian naval officers aboard the Panther wear spurs. They probably ride sea-horses, or perhaps require the "hooks" to hang on to the foaming "mane." — That Wanganui is the only place in the colony, according to the Chuef Justice, where people show disrespect of the Supreme Court by keeping their hats on. Where are the police? — That the Indian princess imported by Sam'l O'Posen Curtis had to raise the wind to take her back Home by pledging the deeds of some American property with an Auckland! lawyer. — That the M.H.E.. who was amazed at the ignorance of a Maori, who didn't know the meaning of Pahiatua, was a wee bit non-plussed when the wily gentleman asked him the meaning of Manchester. — That a stray Berhampore cow returns to her careless owner unaccountably "strapped" every day. That cow has a habit of wandering into the baokgarden of an ex-farmer who understands milking. — That a WamLrapa parson was fined for riding his bike on a footpath. The magistrate .sympathised with him — because he was a parson, and a la wye i devoutly prayed he would have a good collection on Sunday! — That the appearance of the Austrian warship Panther in New Zealand waters is supposed to be connected in some way with the grievance of Austrian srumdiggers. Nothing to do with defaulting conscripts, of course. — That a country newspaper wails that, although it has placed 1 its 101b weight copy of the Lands Commission Report at the service of the public, onOy one man has looked at it. He took a page to light his pipe with. — That a well-known Wellington business man, who met a British politician in London, was congratulated on the ease with which he had 1 ear nit the English language during the short voyage. The Wellingtonian explained that, of course, the sailors were English! — That the sly-grog tradei is so closely watched in the King Country at present that it is absoluely impossible to get an alcoholic drink. The King Country person who was taken to the watch-house in a wheelbarrow stated that the grog he got drunk on was imbibed! at Wellington three weeks before ! — That "sugar goes further than vinegar." A pastoralist, noting this, has on hie gate : "Dear sir, kindly shut this gate. — Yours respectfully, ." It is not as pointed as "Don't spit on the footpath!" or "Trespassers will be prosecuted!" or "Timber Thieves will be gaoled !" all common enough, in Wellington. — That Mr. Parker's opinion, of newspaper concert critiques is that they are wishy-washy. Aft&r expressing his opinion the other night with characteristic directness to the Musical Society, he brought down the house as he suddenly observed, with a twinkle in his eye : "And now let us proceed with 'They Stoned Him to Death.' "