Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 272, 16 September 1905, Page 12

Entre Nous

A QUAINT horse-breaking stoiy from Petone. A local man, who had suddenly developed a marvellous aptitude for breaking the fiery broncho, wanted to be confronted with the horse he couldn't break, so there ! There was a mob of horses m a near-by paddock, and a frieaidl suggested that if he could break the chestnut "outlaw" running with the mog, he ought to be rewarded with a seat in the Legislative Council, and 1 a large sum of cosh. On his mettle, therefore, he got half-a-dozen friends to put in a morning catohinio- the ©olt, and, having secured) it, tied' it up witn kicking straps and rearing reins, and put it in the breaking-in trap. * * » Such marvellous horse-sense had the breaker, that the fiery outlaw trotted off without a blink. The gallant breaker drove the horse about twenty miles, and returned glowing w*th success. "I told you so!" he said. "Quiet as a milking cow!" His friends duly admired him. Later in the day a fierce person strolled on to the scene, and asked if anybody had! seen anything of Ms eight-year-old chestnut mare. The children were going for a drive, and they wanted her, as she was the "quietest oldl prad in the district." She was the furious "outlaw" the expert had been breaking. She seemed' to be a bit tired, arad the owner — well, we don't like to tell what he said to the horsemaster. * * * Sacred lore is taught in a desultory way in, many New Zealand schools where the teacher has a leaning towards that sort of thing. In answer to the question, "Who was Stephen?" set at a school examination in Hawke's Bay, a schoolboy wrote the following : — "Stephen was the man who invented the Puffin' Billy, for which he was stoned to death. And while he was being stoned to death he said, *Lay not tlhis thing to my charge.' " * » * The local idiot who is playing the goat — ghost, we mean — by appearing before women and children clothed, in a phosphorescent waistcoat, has evidently taken his cue from a Southern idiot who has been doing the same thing. The local one recently very badly scared a woman who is in illhealth, and we happen to know that the husband of the lady carries something besides oash in his hip-poaket. He is mad enough to put xiiat phosphorescent light out. The cowardly ruffian is laying himself open to a round dozen severe punchings, and a few perforations.

The very superior person in tho "Triad," wlio devotes himself to the benevolent task ok showing up other people's faults, is quite put out with the Fbee Lance this month. He corrected a grammatical slip for us in his July number, and, as we don't like t~ lie under an obligation to anyone, we returned the compliment by pointing out some much worse blunders of his own. Whereupon, he whimpers and scolds. Two of the blunders he admits, and satisfies us lias printer must bear the blame. * * • Another he defends, and says it was "monstrously unfair" of us not to give the whole sentence. Well, our space is valuable, and we wanted) to economise it. However, here is the whole precious sentence which the "Triad" stoutly defends as "perfectly connect" English: "Nay, if those whom we think of as having won peace for themselves in this world, do in that join the malcontents, and are each one biding their time." How does it strike you, gentle reader? "Each one biding their time !" Sounds to us uncommonly like English "made in Germany." No wonder the "Triad" printer sought to establish harmony by altering another sentence to read : "In Palmerston every one of these mistakes were' repeated." * * * As the "Triad" is still searching with its specs on for grammatical mistakes, is teaching everybody how to pronounce English, and has soundly rated an unfortunate lightning jerker for misplacing the full-points and commas in a "wired!" critique, we again invite it to mend its own faults. Here is a quite lovely specimen of English as she is wrote— in this month's "Trad" : "But this year we aire promised) a second ohurch choir contest for a smaller number of voices, an illustrated sonig, a male voice choir, a female voice o^oir, and a double quartette, each of which should draw crowded audiences an their respective evenings." Just two samples of the "Triads vagaries' of spelling ere we part. Miss Duttpn's pronunciation is said! to be "sometimes agnessively bad." What a fine opportunity for Miss Dufcton to turn the tables on the rude pedagogue? Also, we learn that Mr. C. Davy was "a superfinoly sepulcral Ghost." Ghost of Samuel Johnson be patient. Rest, rest perturbed spirit. • • • Football is a better paying game than school-teaching. Thus, there was a match between Martrimboroiugh and Tuihirangi the other day. One Martinborough barracker offered) a trophy valued at £5 to the man who crossed the opponents' line- first. Another enthusiast jumped into the breach to assert that he would' give am acre of land to the Tuhirangi toe-baller who did] tne same thing for his side. Therefore, Mr. Bradstook, of the latter team, a school-teacher, now own® the fee s&aple of thJat much ground. Imagine, on the other hand, a grateful father giving an acre of land because the master had taught his children well.

Everyone knows the Scotch are a prayerful people, and! it is theiefore very certain that when one of them slips up in his devotions, either the lobster salad must have been very stale or the "Glenhvit" very strong at - the last jollification he attended. A good story is told' of one Sandy McTavish, who, after spendaing a "real quid nicht wi Burns" at a certain township in the North, found hds legs very unsteady while he was pawing round, for his hat. He got his bonnet at last, however, wandtared home, and, after making due arrangemi&ntsi for retiring to roost to sleep the effects of the poetry and potdons off, sank on his knees by the bedsidle, and began to gabble most incoherently. • • • Presently his superior half noticed there was "some/thing wrong wi her quid mon," and so she asked, in miuch alarm : "Whatever is the matter wi ye, AlexawnderP Are ye no well ?" "Oh, yes," said Sandy. "Aw'm a'richt. Moggie, but the quid Laird presaarve me, I canna mdnd v a confoundiedi wiord o' my anathemised prayers!" Then Moggie knew that Ale-rawnder had been to another spiritualistic seance, and the spirits he had srooken. with, were a deal too stiff and strong for pven a Hieland'er's nervy nerves. • » • The question of beer seems to crop up into every phase of colonial life. For instance, "free houses" on the other aid© are fighting the brewers, who own the "tied houses," with the result that one caji become droonk and dishairdieriy for threepence in the Commonwealth . In a New Zealand town the other day a brilliant inter jector at a wiater-cum-beer fight wamted to know why he should pay sixpence for a pint, sixpence for a ihalf-pint, sixpence for a medium, sixpence for a "pony" — sixpence for anything in a glass, in fact? Why shouldn't the publican be subject to the pains and penalties provided for shortages under the Weights and Measures Act? We don't blame the publican for selling two inches of beer for sixpence — we blame the people for paying it. If the matutinal milkman is out looking for a fortune, he could 1 , with just as much moral right as Bung, leave a quarter of a pint of milk in your jug, and charge you for a quart. Butchers, also, oouldi leave a pound of steak, and charge you for a bullock. And bakers might drop in on you with a scone, and call it a loaf of bread. If these tradesmen did such tilings, the police would be busy with arrests seven days a week ,but, as the poor, suffering brewer and the struggling publican aire the only people allowed to do it, it seems evident that they are the most privileged class in the commiunity. Even a chemist doesn't sell you half-a-bottle of cough mixture — and 1 he is no philanthropist. • • • How is this for the epistle of a twelve-year-old runaway? — "My mates and myself is prospecting up here, and it's great fun. We are having a grand time. Just get up when you please, and knock off when you feel inclined. I intend to circle the globe before I see you again. When lam made* an earl my ooat-of-arms' will be a tin dish and a shovel." He has been returned to the bosom of his sorrowing family.

We often have excellent reasons for satirising J.P. justice, and! if we look close enought into current events we have pretty good' reason for satirising justice that isn't Justices' justice. Take the case of Percy Dawson, who defaulted in Auckland to the tume of £2800. Dawison was "in society." Dawsow went up for one year. Take, also, the case of O'Neill, the tram conductor, of Auckland, whose case was heard 1 by the same judge. He defaulted to the tune of £40. He was not in society. He was put away for two years. * * • Dawson's "previous good character was taken into account. O'Neill might have had has sentence considerably shortened if he had taken, the evident invitation of the Bench to "go the whole hog." Such bias is a distinct temptation to wrong-doers to do as big a wrong as possible in order to get as little punishment as possible. It would make one's blood boil — if the boiling was in the least effective.

Woman's Wants. AM she desires is love, you say? That shows how much you know; She wants to see the matinee And' to the circus go. She wants a handsome diamond ring, She wants a rope of pearls ; She wants a poodle on a string, She wants some extra curls ; She wants a bonnet twice a, year, She wants an Easter hat; She wants to read her title clear To a stylish city flat; She wants a four-seat motor oar, She wants a real Worth gown ; She wants a trip to Europe, or At least to Sydney towtn ; She wants a cask of rare cologne, She wants a diamond! pin ; She wants a carriage of her own To go out calling in ; She wants the earth, the Milky Way, And half the stars above, And yet you have the nerve to say That all she wants is love! » * * A gifted correspondeint to a country paper recently sent some burning effusions to the paper, and the linotype got on to ifc, and, as it will somieittimies do, dotted it here amd there among agricultural and other items. The witty correspondent wrote: "Might I suggest that your linotype operator is more fitted to run a D© Laval separa* tor in a dairy factory than a linotype. He's a dab hand at separating the 'cream of the joke' from the context. — Thanking you," etc. Many and various are the pitfalls that abound for the superfluous and boardied-out infant. A Southern girl put her infant out to board while she went to a situation to provide dJor its maintenance. Becoming dissatisfied with the. infant's environments, sihe decided that a change wouldi be beneficial. The foster mortfber opposed the proposal vigorously, and strategem was resorted to to get the infant away. The reason of the custodian's disinclination to part with her charge leaked out afterwards. She had secretly insured the child's life. The woman who is for ever on the warpath for a baby to mind wants watching.

School Committees want more power. If they had more power there would probably be slaughter. Here follows a verbatim oopy of a letter recently received by a Committee • — "The chairma^ w School Commite, — Dear sir, — Re bad 1 attendance at school, we should be very sorey to see Miiss - transfered from this school. But all the same I don't think the commite as anney complaint of our attendance. I thing my sielf if all schooles attended as well as ours you would not aye amney complaints to find. When Mr. G — was teacher be- gave ours the Bun for being the Best attenders. You couldent expects them to attend regular lately owing to sutoh bad 1 weather as it as not been fit for dogs to be out leave a lone children to ride 3 miles m wet dose, and sit in them all day. * * * "No it is all well for a fejw Peopels children living just ac the school theire as if they get wet they can go home for Diner and change no sir our ohaJdren are not made of Jinger Bread 1 they wont Melt with a shawer of ram naw. The children tells us when they go to school wet that the teacher is veiry Rood to them is asistiner them to day there rags as we oant afford to send them with starched collars and 1 ect, as we dlresis-them well in <=ide not the side you can see. An Mr. Chairman Please show this note to Members of thie sohio-dl commite and then Pass it oin to the Dahnerike Press and then we will try to set the childfren to a+tend school on Saturdays if the Teachers are w'TLmor. Wisitoiwr the chairma,n a lone- and Prosperous life and the Laidv and' ofetutlemtn Teachers like wi<=e. — Yours faithfully, - I must "end this note Bv so^ooil children arc Bv pristine it will ooi^t me id. Since uncle "as closed the boailks on us we must stride accomeny." • * * A more or less love story. The young man wdith the violet tie, and, the 4 x 16 collar, hadi just been married to the girl of his heart, who was attired—please excuse us. They were about to entrain for a journey to the honeymoon, and as they, with arms interlocked and souls intertwined, strolled' adown the platform, the air was rent with a female scream. A large and dashing blonde of handsome appearance anathemised the "happy pair, intimated that she had been his prevailing; lova for quite a while, flashed an alleged engagement rin.°; in his face, and wept hysterically. She recovered to wish them every unnappiness, and was unsheathing her claws to mar the beauty of her fair rival, when a derelict, against whom a prohibition order was out, and who was consequently very drunk; took a hand by addressing the large, blonde barmaid — for such was she. He asked her, as her "loving husband," to come back to her little 'ome, amd bring little May with her, gravely congratulated her on not 'having committed bigamy, took off a dilapidated boot and heaved it through, a ■carriage window for luck, and evaporated in the direction of a friend who wasn't prohibited! aindJ had a "bob." As for the barmaid, sine said no other word, amd went back to dlrown the sorrows of her customers with deft strokes of the beer-pump. "Casting the first stone" is often a silly game. ♦ ♦ ♦ This is a Newtown burglar story. On© recent night a guardian of the police, who is an intelligent and zealous officer, was doing his little beat in Riddiford-street. Passing a street lamp, he noticed that the light threw in bold relief on an opposite wall a large moving shadow. There was thte patter of feet upon the roof, and the constable concluded naturally that the person on the roof had no business there, and was fair gam© for him. He drew his! trusty baton, quietly got into a neighbouring lone, where he concluded the burglar would come down to earth, and) nerved hdmself to the ordeal of tackling a large, well-fed! house-breaker. The sbiadlow moved toward® him much magnified 1 . Evidently the burglar was wearing rubber boots or felt slippers. He came softly and' quickly. The policeman rose, and direw his baton back to smite the -fellow to the earth. The burglar sprang likhtly to the gppound, muttering "Me-row! Me-row! The oat bad got away ! He was a candidate for a place in the House, and he was telling the backblockers some of the things he would do for bis £300 a-year next year. It was a boggy district, and) the: settlers are the most roadless, hopeless, and discontented lot in New Zealand^wrfeh excellent reason. One grizzled bogfarmer rose, and demanded : "What do we get for our money?" and l went into a, long discourse on the necessity for oarrying a shovel to dig the milkoarts out, and the reasons why he couldn't get compensation for a pair of horses and a cart that were lost on the <main road" last week. He wound up TTith the thrilling query : "What do we get for our money?" And! the candidate, being struck with a brilliant tnought, replied: "A receipt, of course I"

You often read in the papers "Police inspector So-and-so is visiting Nelson," or some other city, and' if you have lived in the country you wonder how the constables get to know these inspeotianal visits are "secret." All tihe same, about a week previous to an unexpected visit by a police inspector, moth-eaten uniforms dug out once a year or so are brushed up and 1 patched, and the local constable positively shines when the "boss" happens into town. There are "mounted" constables in the country too fait to ride, and constables who almost forget what a shako is like. There are country 'hotels wheore the landlady dare not lock up the bar and go to bed before the constable in charge has had his last glass, and -there are constables who wouldn't run in anybody for fear of straining tihemsialves. • • * When you hear, theref ore, that Policeinspector So-and-so is going to Such-and-such to stir things up you conclude that Mr. So-and-so ought to say precious little about it to the papers. Some of the very worst features of colonial police life is the use of civilian clotihes all the year except on inspectioaial visits, the social positioni constables are often forced into, and the silly friendliness that makes a country paper wail : "Our highly-respected l and justly-popu-lar constable, Mr. H, O'Thrapp, is unfortunately leaving the district. His loss will be keenly felt. Mrs. O'Thrapp will be presented with a purse of sovereigns andl a sewmg-machane." A constable should 1 have no friends — while he is in uniform — and he should be in Tinifrom every minute he is on duty — rainless he is a police spy on the nauseous business of smelling out, and drinking, sly-grog. Mr. Dinmie, kindly note.

It was in the Native Land Court. Nineteen Maoris, joined 1 as owners of a block of land, applied mi the usual order for rights of succession, the largest owner of the lands havtmig diied. The Court, in its discretion, had 1 made the usual examination, cross-questioned witnesses, and was about to make the order as prayed, when a twenty-stone, healthy Maori, dressed 1 in the height of fashion, calmly strolled! into th© court, and remarked casually, with a large, kind smile : "I beg to submit, your Honor, that the action of these aT>nlioants ds premature." * • * His Honor took another bite of his pen , and asked what right the stranger had to interrupt the busanesos. of the Court? "I am the deceased, your Honor," smiled the coloured gentleman. And it was even so. The applicants had left the "deceased" on a bed of sickness from which they had every reason to hope he would not rise. He had not, as is usual with the Maori, given up all hope the moment he beigan to .have a pain. The application is off. • • * Absolutely pathetic th© passion numerous people have for breaking records that are no good' when they are smashed. The great bicycle race re-

Gently held from Timaru to Christchuroh is <a pitiable example. It had rained, rained in sheets, rivers, deluges — the land was a sea of mud — andl yet those cyclists plugged thorough it because they wanted to win a "pot." They don'fc thiik they are fools until their hearts get weak, or they get muscular paralysis, or varicose legs. They straggled on to the Plumpton trotting course looking like agonised wet blankets on wheels as thick as dray tyres with mud. The public cheered them. • • * The winner was warmly congratulated fox having tried to kill himself witihioiut success, and, as he staggered to shake the hand of the public man who congratulated him on his "meritorious feat," he said he could' have nddlen a hundred miles more in good weather. He didn't do himself any good, and he Was responsible for a crowd of silly people gathering to watch him carrying mud that could) have been carried better in a dray. People who swing clubs until their arms are atrophied, rejoice over the possession, of a horse as a marvel because he "outs out" a male a second under the other horses' best time, and the heart-breaking and record breaking cyclist, ought to be suppressed and restrained like any other type of lunatic.