Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 269, 26 August 1905, Page 12

Entre Nous

THERE was a small matter about back rent being heard in a Magistrate's Court not long ago, and tthe tenant was protesting against paying the full amount because of alleged breach of contract on tihe part of the landlord, who, it appears, had not made certain improvements, although he had charged increased rent. "You never had a bath, did you?" asked the lawyer. The tenant looked' pained. "Bath ! Of couise I had a bath. Do you insinuate," etc., etc' The lawyer remarked that he meant "bath-room," of course. "I took the furniture away in a conveyance," was one remark made by the tenant. Here was His WonSmp's chance. "We'll, I don't suppose you took it away in your waistcoat pocket!" How funny! * * * The story of a little domestic comedy drifts down from the North. A count* y schoolmaster, through the oomimattee, lately applied to the Board for muchneeded increased accommodation for his pupils. In response the Board wired to know how many children were atitendLng the school. The teacher's wofe, in her husband's temporary absence {he. was seeing a doctor at am adjacent township), received the departmental wire, and replied to it thus: "Have thirty children at present, three more expected Monday." That telegram was prophetic, for sure enough a splendid set of triplets were added to the school teacher's family during the week ' The whole of that part of the Island is now smiling over the curious coincidence. • * * Force of habit. A schoolmaster had been elected chairman of a meeting of Southern householders convened to growl about the council, or something of the sort. Durine the chairman's opening addiress, somebody at the bacik of the ha.ll quite accidentally kniocked over a form. The schoolmaster fiercely frowned, and eommandled, in harsh •bones: "Stand out, that boy!" A gentleman aged sixty-five stood out, and wailed : "Please, sir, I couldn't help it!" And so the supplejack was not used. • • • An old miner, up from the "Coiast,"' was doing Cuba-Street last Saturday night, and he heard a crowd of young fellows eagerly discussing a "Hoikitdka rush." " 'Souse me, mate," he said, "did I understand you to say as there was a Hokatdka rush on ? Are they getting good stuff Are they cradling for it, or is it good, coarse gold in pockets? When does the next boat go?" The young men looked at him in blank astonishment. "We mean a forward? rush!" chipped in a man. "You blanky blitherers. y5y 5 ain't talkin' about football, are yer!" They were.

It was night. A dark, dirty, forbidding night, and two men, belated by affairs of State, huddled into the a-water-clothes, and stood out on a. broad board for home and hash. Down Thorndon end they passed) a store, whierem they knew were many valuables and perhaps a safe. Suddenly, on tihe damp air came the sound of a dull boom from the interior of the shed. Burglars? Undoubtedly. Dynamite? Certainly. The bolder and smaller of the twain braced himself, and sent his friend round 1 to tihe rear of the premises to prevent the burglars' escape, and he, armed only with a pure, white soul, made in Otago, tried the front door — a,nd found it unlocked. * • * Over in the far corner burnt a dull glimmer, and, on his knees, evidently before tihe safe, was a man, muttering violently, and working with a will. The polliti — we mean, the man — rushed the vil'lam, and, in the struggle the lamp went ouit. "I've got him !" he screamed, and the membetr for — we mean,, the other man — came round and helped drag the protesting person under the lamp. "My goodness, Mi. '" exclaimed he of Otago, as he saw the face of a Icoal merchant. '-You suirely — " ♦ * * Then, the merchant broke forth. "You infernal etceteras, what the, and so and so, are you up to. Hbi c I've been trying for three hours to fix my motor car. A tyre bursts, and then you ruffians come and try to murder me! What d'you mean by it ? " And so on, and so on. But why proceed ? The ending of the matter must not be made public. » • * He was an ordinary sort of an individual, and, as he sauntered down the mam street of an inland town, he saw a mam armed with a wad of paper coming towards him. He stopped him. "You are a reporter, I believe?" he asked. The armed party admitted it. "You kmow me, of course " "Can't say that — " 'Oh, I'm Mr. Tnumpmnieton, M.H.R. for Roadiville. lam the mem ber wiho introduced the Buis'less Hospital Bill. It was I who. in 1895,"— wid so on and so on. "Oh, of course," said the reporter, "I know," and he commenced taking notes. "And I wanit to say," remarked Tnumpington, "that. I strongly object to publicity. Duitkiig a long and honorable political career I have avoided as far as possible tihirust-ing-mvself forward," — and soon and so on . And when tihe paper cam© out. the M.H.R. bought one, and chuckled with great glee when he read himself in print. Do you kno<w the sort of man we are talking about? * * * A pale, nervous, litble man was charged at a court not twenty leagues from Lambton Quay, last week, with being a person wiho did wilfully permit a license for a dag to lapse. He felt bis position very keenly indeed, and when the charge was readl a big lump oamie into hiis tlhroat, and he said • "But — " "We don't wamt any *buts'!" replied an official, "thie license expired! last November!" "So did the dog!" burst forth the little man. "And here's his ears!'* With that he withdrew from his pocket tihe scalp of his canine departed, and, dropping a tear on the bald' head! of a polioensiergeaiit, he fadedl into tihe great throbbing city.

Interesting to be told, for the thousandth time, tihat "tihe busy, energetic Englishman inquires, 'How do you do?' as if the only question with him were, not whether anything is to be dlone (for that he assumes), but in what wiay is it done. So t>he Frenchman, w!h'O makes behaviour and! polish the study of his life, asks, 'How do you carry yourself ?' So, alas, the inventive German demands, 'What are you making?' And the. grave Spaniard asks, How do you stand ?' " • • * To which might be added the greeting of the Chinaman, who enquires after your stomach, and if you have eaten your rice? But none of these greetings are a circumistanoe to some of tihe common colonial forms: "How y' pappin' up?" "How f doin'P" "Wur y' wurkin'P" To which the great mass of colonials reply "Oh, not too bad!" or "Not too rotten !" A colonial never admito the excellence of anything. He always allow® for depreciation, and qualifies his statement. * » ♦ Prhap© you have often seem a frantic motorist lying on his waistcoat in the muid, biting away at the stomach of his machine wth a spammer. Petrnaps you have seen an automobiilist with a burst <San>traptio<n pushing^ behind) like a team of draught horses, and perhaps you have met a chauffeur on a road! twemty-five miles from anywhere, begging a passing hoirse-driveir to hitch her on behind. Nome of thiese things are so funny as a small Wellington motor car happening. The oar was sailing along a suburban road. He and she were enjoyime; it. Suddenly, the machine bucked! a little, and coughed. • * The chauffeur looked alarmed. Tlhen something sounded like the tearing of tough calico, amd a report like a "Tommy 3 ' Taylor amendment was, heardi. The main got down. Two persons appeared on the road, and looked 1 on grinningly. The man knelt down on tihe ground, and looked underneath the vehicle. "I'm afraid the tank's burst!" he wailed. "Oh, never- mind," said the girl ; "it doesn't show, does it?" Then the chauffeur glared, because we and another fellow laughed. • • * A suggestion made at last election that the voting papers should contain the photographs of candidates is a pretty good one. How the facial loveliness .or otherwise of candidates may innuen'oe lady voters was shown the otiher day when a Southern school held a mock election to demonstrate the method.' The candidates were the siting members, and the man the children elected called at the school later and thanked the kiddies for having ejected him. Mixing with the kiddies in the play-ground after, the M.H.R. spoke to a little grl. "And did you vote for me, my dVarP" he asked. "Yes, I did," she saidi, "but if I had known what an ugly man you were I wouldn't have!' All the same, you will find that the ttnloveMest men in the House are the persons who count. And, as there are very, very few Adonises, shall we say they all count?

In a slip being circulated, alleging lots of nasty things about the Defence Faroe, it is asked, in large type: — "Is not the defence of the colony against invasion of more importance than land laws tariff, or other- political questions?" To which we would reply, with the beautif ud assurance that civilians are so noted for, "Certainly not !" The expenditure of miHiioins of pounds on armaments making eadh colonial port a Port Artlhur, wouldn't save us if a great nation wanted to come aslhore. If every gun were* dismantled to-morrow, and every rifle throwin into tfoe sea, oaxr safety would! not be really affected. * * ♦ The defence of New Zealand is a farce, hlas been a farce, and will be a farce. There is no possible chance within the next foundred years of protecting ouraeilves against armed aggresision with the means at our disposal against a ginoat nation. All the talk about defence is the merest moonshine. A couple of warship*, could reduce any fort in New Zealand to-diay, or at amy day to come, vifchin twenty-four hours. * ♦ • A propos of "Defence, not defiance," matters, "An Old Volunteer" has been saying that Auckland corps, for very shame sake, have to pay civilians to wear the uniform, in order to pretend they get musters. The some volunteer remarks that Auckland isn't in a- posi- , taon to defend itself, but hiow "Am Old Volunteer" knows tiids better tham an old citizen or an old woman isn't clear. Auckland' "Herald" has been matin' Tig tihese matters public, and, among other things, says the non-possession of brains doesn't debar young* mien from becoming officers. The "Herald" oujght to be comforted' bv tfhe fact tihat (Ms is rather an advantage in a military career at Home, especially if Army ladd.es of high degree look favourably on the socM qualities and' fatness of puiree of their favourites. * * • The Union Company's boat was about to leave Nelson, and the passengers were buttoning themselves up to face tihe weather. This is the exact moment When the average purser, tram^guard, railway porter, and other ticket-collect-ing persons choose for gathering in ■tihe fares. It amuses them to see you undress. There was one of jbhe bestknown temperance advocates in the colony on board. The purser approached the cold waterer. and demanded his ticket. • • • The man of abstemious Life dived hurriedly into the pockets of his overcoat. No luck. He unbuttoned his overcoat, and rapidly went through eight pockets. "Ahl" he exclaimed. "Here art is!" And he brought, it forth from bis left-hand trouser pocket. He handed it to the purcser. The purser read: "Watson's Three-star Whisiky is tihe Best in the World." "I'm willing to admit it, sir," replied the purser, "but it want pajr your fare!' Of course, the eminent prohibiitdonist merely carried the whisky ticket to emphasise the nefarious nature of tihe trade.

The man who invades your sanctum, anid breathes on it until you want to know what's the matter with oaHirug it a breweiry, is known to every male reader of this par. He has been amaably foolish, he admits — but now he us purei than a bottle of soda-water. You don't believe him. He is omily thirsting for ■work — he is the best carpenteir, or the best clerk, or the best bank-manager in Australasia. You don't believe him. It is hard that he should thus suffer a penniless old age. He has the finest family you ever saw. You observe the father, and) try to believe it. Be hasn't l;ad a feed smoe Monday. and it is possible he wiill be out down like a flower, andi found by Murphy exhausted in the gutter. You feel hot in the throat. You feel also in your waistcoat pocket. He pets more voluminous in his remarks. He feais" you may draw your hand' out — empty. You give him a oodn. He shakes you by the tend, and a tear trickles down his nose. He retires. You call a boy. <C F allow that — cr — gentlemiain, anidi tell me where hie s-oes to " < The boy follows. He comes back in five miniutes. "Well?" "Into tihe 'Jue; and Babbit Hotel.'" You kick voureellf. Two days later another aimilariy-reformed character comes along, with a similar taJe of woe. You "part" fugain. Why, oih reader? This par. is for mothers only. Many mother feeling in their loving hearts thlat little Johnny is entitled to a free seat in a car, although the whoO© would may stand, oast fiery glances at those who wouJd deprive him of it. Some poor-spirited women will, of course, take Johnny on their knee, but most female voters insist on a temporary sedentary position for their little flower. It is natural, but inconvenient. Over in Sydney the other day, a child sat alongside' its nurse. The guard, demiaindied a fare. The nurse, glancing at her mistra-is, received orders ruoit to pay, and not to take tihe child on her lap. The mother considered, as there was plenty of room, the child was entitled to it. • * * But, a principle was at stake. The tramway people wrote a shillingsworth of letters, trying to get their penny, but the adamantine mother replied with twelve pennyworth of correspondence refusing. Then she was summionied foi the sum of one penny, and appeared in court on the charge. The magjstnate pointed out that if she didn't pay the penny, and costsi amounting in all to 18s 6d, she would go to gaol for a week. She didn't go to gaol. * • * A propos of the Lance contention that libels large, loud, and long frequently issue from the mouths and pens of Prohibition sits. One cold-waterer m the South remarked, with tears m his voice, that previous to Prohibition at Mataura, the settlers on malk-cheque day dlid' often carouse villainously, leaving their wives and daughters outside in the cold carts, with tears streaming down their faces. Of course, the farmers rose on end, and' verbaly smote the Pump person, 'and it now appeaa-s that the said person had "heard^ that it was so." Tne cow-spanker is, bar nothing, the most constant worker in the colony, and when sickly gentlemen, witlh venom taking the place of heart, fire slander at a portion of them, the whole feel hot in the throat, amdi want to chance their holds from cows to libellous windpipes. ♦ * * The London cable man still maintains his reputation of pandering to what he hopes may be the colonial taste. Gjory, luscious cables about the iniquitous Piggott and .his "Abode of Love" are really not worth a moment's notice, and, in a country where children are readers of the daily papers, the taste shown in printing items dlescribinig the vices of "religious" sects is questionable. Let a countess go to the bad, or to the Continent with a navvy or a swell person of whom we never heard, and don't want to, the oabLe man immediately decides that is the stuff we want. The fact that we have noisome affairs of our own, which are boutnd to get into the papers, makes it unmeoeseary for us to revel further in nasty dletails. Why, on the other hand', if tihe British cabler insists on sending this stuff, don't we send some of the villainous happenings that have disgraced the male sex during the past eighteen months. Let the wretches be piunished, and let the rest be silence. • # * A little Maori story, from up the line. An aged warrior drove up to a wheelwright's shop with a buggy and a pair of horses. He wanted the trap repaired. It was a considerable iob, and would 1 cost about £5. Aa the wheelwright had, <m other occasions, waited rather longer than he liked 1 for money owing by gentlemen of the Maori persuasion, he hesitated, and inquired : "But what about the money?" Drawing himself to his full height, the ancient Maori said : "Sir, I'd have you know I'm. no common native. I'm an old age pensioner 1"

About that wild pig, which is said to have camped behind the bush from whose shadow Ellis shot Callinson. He made his re-appearanoe last week, when he put to rout a party of three armed with a gun andl some slashers. Whale in some scrub, the man with the gun suddenly f ound himself face to f aoe with a monster boar of hair-raising dlimeaisi<ms, says a veracious local chronicler. The boar immediately charged the intruder, who hurriedly fired, and 1 then sprang up a tree. The pig ooaitiniued has rush until again brought to bay by the dogs. * * * The two slasher men took up a position one on each sidle of a well-beaten track, anticipating that the boar might possibly double back along thas path, while the shooter went to the dogs' assdstanice. He got a second shot in, and, as in the first instance, was promptly charged, but managed to elude, the now ferocious tusker. A few seconds later a third shot was sent home at a very close range, but without any very appreciable effect. The boar, however, was heading direct for the slasher men, and, seeing them barring his path, he made a vicious charge at one, who shot up a tree like a squirrel, but the other man got a good blow home. The pig was routed out again, but ohargedi past dogs and men, and headledi toward® Featlherstion, where he is supposed to have domesticated' lady friends. * * * Everybody knows the parson who drops in to see the busy housewife about her soul — and the organ fund* — early in the morning — washing-day preferred. One curate has been so very constant in his good work that a certain lady of this city began to get tired of the eternal smile and the constant "choker." A week or two ago her husband advised her to shock the curate by putting the whisky decanter on the table, together with three or four of Zola's noveils, a pack of playing cards, a box of cigars, and a heap of old totalis&tor tickets. Tile husband! went away for a business visit to Auckland. When he returned hie asked her how the plan worked. "Before," she replied, "he dlropped in once a week. Since I began to 'shock' him he has dropped in three times a week !"

The man for whom this ink is shed is five feet ball in has best boots, and 29| inches round, the dhest. He is mot a fierce fellow, but he dearly loves to get a few friends into his private museum at Te Aro, and relate bloodhourdling tales of derring-do in which he ha® been concerned. The other night he showed them the last tiger-skin he got in the Punjaub, and it was only when, one friend blandly expressed the opinion that he had seen goats* inhabiting exactly the same sort of hides, that the little man passed on to other things. In tihe cornor of the museum there was a huge rusty sword. The little man's eyes flashed as he drew the trusty blade, and waved it in the air. "I shall never forget," he sihouted, "the day I direw that sword for the first time!" Hjs friends were interested. They eagerly waited for the next lie. "And where was thiat?" asked one breathless bookseller. "In a raffle at Christmastime!" he said.

A German gentleman, who has only been in New Zealand! for nine months, i!a learning English rapidly. His wife had been ill, and in hospital, but, owing to the skill and kindness of the nurses and doctors, eihe recovered. The German wrote an overflowing letter of (tanks, which concludes thus:—"Repay you not I can, but, to leave it in the hands of another, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord !' " And, knowing the foreigner's struggle with ouir sk> difficult language, the hiospital isn't angry.

A propos of a class of persons who only decrease as they are introduced to the inside of His Majesty's hotels. A quack doctor, whose treatment bad! not deterred nos patient from joxurneyimig to the cemetery, was examined sternly by a Southern coromer. "What diid you give the poor fellow?" asked tShie coroner. "Ipecacuanha, ' sir." "You might just as well have given him aurora borealis." said! the coroner. "Well, sir, that's just what I was going to give him when he died;!" A happy release !