Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume VI, Issue 268, 19 August 1905, Page 12

Entre Nous

PILFERING is not unknown on board boats, and oftentimes stewards may be the innocent victim of dark suspicion. A Wellington skipper tell how he had a very ypecaal blend of wane given him by a dear friend, who is now "Beyond." The bottle- in use he left on the sideboard in his cabin, putting the rest in the locker. A little of it disappeared on two or three successive days, and the captain got annoyed. He therefore filled tihe bottle up with crude castor oil used for lubricating the engines, some lampblack, a bit of coal dust, a small decoction eontainig jalap from the "doctor's shop," and various other small matters. * * ♦ He put the bottle in its place again, and went to take his watoh. When he came back, about two inches of the mixture had disappeared. He laughed, ha! Hal Then, his steward came Ln •with has soup, which he took greedily, being cold and tired. This finished. and the captain warmed 1 up, the steward brought the next course, and! the skipper mentioned the loss of the disappeared' winfe, and asked' him if he kriiew anything about it. The steward smiled. "Why, yes, sir. 0' course. I've been putting a couple o' glasses o' that wine in your soup every day. Seem' as W it was extry cold to-day, sir, I put a little more in, sir. Anything else, sir?" • • * What sort of a hope has an Opposition candidate on the West Coast?, We.ll, there is Mr. Conboy, who is going for the Grey armchair. He couldn't get anybody to take the chair at hr's opening meeting, and, as far as can be gathered from reports, he seems to have expressed no very new idea? except that "he was in favo"r of educated jurymen." After he had said this, the whole meeting got on its end, and cheered "King Dick and his Government." Apparently, Mr. Coiiboy has some money to lose.

A young fellow, who is doing nightly sentry-go for the first spell, being now the proud possessor of his first infant, oomplains that he has been inundated with sample tins of babies' foods, literature dtesoanting on the value of the same, invitations to send a post-card to firms named, on receipt of which samples of food will be sent, .catalogues of peranubulators, and proposals for insuring the infant's life. Soime of the tins and circulars came from as fa.r as Sydney, but looal talent has also been busy, making personal representations to the happy but embarrassed father for the purchase of go-carts or the taking out of am insurance policy. And, if the young fellow will wait until the Wellington paper cam get Home, he will be deluged' with, demands from England .and America to feed bafov on "Fattening Fosfats" or some other kind of infant killer. Seems: to us th© world has no time for the infant. Even insurance companies show a frantic desire to gamble on "his spark of life. About three months ago an insurance agent called on a new father, and' showed l him the advantage of insuring the infant. "Mosit kids die before they're a year 01d,," he began, when the young man "took to him," and the fact that the insurance agent had no accident policy made the subsequent weeiks he spent in hospital rather expensive. * * * An advertisement from a Queensland paper : — "Permanent. — Wanted, a man to look after one horse and a few cows and pigs. One who can impart the rudiments of French, singing;, and the piano to children preferred 1 ." * * * He was a young man who smoked . When he was not smoking he was wotriking — but he was most often smoking. He used to extract comfort from the cremation of the acrid weed, and! hi© was best pleaded, when dinner wasi over, to spread h:s feet on the mantelpiece, and blow blue rings into the atmosphere. A night o.r two ago he filled his weedbeaoon with "Jim" Speed's best, and searched for a match. He had no match. It was what Shakespea-te calls "ha.rd lines." Lookinsr for a piece of oaper wherewith to iomite the vegetable, he espied a soiled sicrap of paper on the mantelpiece. He rolled it noniehalalnitlv into a screw, and placed it befbween the glowing bars. That smoke* oast him a£s note. Common, wooden miaifccihieis — 500 for 2id — will serve him for the' rest of his natural life.

Did you ever see a stone step ? Or a sardine box? Or a sausage roll? Or haor die? Or a day pass by? Or a horse fly ? Or a night fall ? Or a ship spar? Or a sugar bowl? Or a vine run? Or a cracker box? Or a bed sprang P Or a ginger snap ? Or a skate hsh Or a bottle fly ? Or a man catch his breath? Or hear a bed! tick? Or see a clock run? Or see ink stand? Or a man pull up a river ? * * * Taranaki has produced the novelty of the century — a bullocky who doesn't swear. It was a slander case that emphasised the verbal spotlessness of tibiis beef-persuader . He it was of whom it was said be fired dreadful anathema at a bushman friend. He indignantly denied the lawyer's insinuations. "You are a bullock-driver?" asked the lawyer. Admitted it. "And you do not swear?" ho asked. "No!" came the clarion tones of the haloed "bullocky." The court shrieked with laughter. "How in eartlh do you get the bullocks to take the yoke?" asked the lawyer. "I jest repeats the ten commandments to 'em !" remarked the wielder of the twenty-foot lash. The lawyer gave it up. * * * A propos of "bullookies," there is a story told by a local parson illustrating the heroic struggle of a steerthumper to refrain from unparliamentary English. It seems that the cleric, unable to obtain any other conveyance on his mudy journey, had taken a boxscat on a bullock-dray. As is usual with, bullwk drays, this particular one got frequently bogged to the fore-car-nage. The gifted' driver woxdd' stand off in the scrub, and wilt the souls of the potential beef with curses loud and long, until the unaccustomed parson, rising in his horror, begged, for the sake of everything siacred, that the man would hold his terrible tongue. The man held it. * * • Further on, the bullocks hit a soft place, and scratched for a big pull. They didn't succeed. The "bullocky," remembering the admonitions of the cleric, stowed his whip in the scrub, and remarked, in a playful voice: "If you jolly he-cows don't bally well get some vigour into your red and white carcases, I'll positively have to strike you with a whip." The front yoke of steers looked round, pathetically gave a mournful "moo," and didn't move. They didn't move for one hour and three-quarters. The parson had to preach in Bogville within three hours. "Don't you — er— think that if you — cr — spoke to them in the — cr — usual manner they miight move?" queried the parson. "P'raps they might," replied the cow gentleman grasping the whip. Smiling a glad smile, 'he butted the pole yoke with the handle, and remarked : "Get on, you. — — !! in !!!!» _ Then hie swung the lash, and out his initials on the leaders, exclaiming: " !! H! !!!!" # And the pairson preached strictly on time.

The numbers that filled tiie Opera House at the Garrison Band concert, on Friday night, were, duiring the course of the evening, swelled 1 by an appreciative musical rat, who, presumably to sooth his savage breast, perambulated many times arouaidi the lower seats, and finally the outer edge of the dress circle, to the immense diversion of the forfaumate onlookers in other parts of the building. The amusement of tih© upper and lower tiers became uproarious as thle suppressed shrieks of dismay rippling round the diress circle proved a most reliable index of the progress of Mr. Rodent. •» * # At. one moment, the oooupantis at one point of the circle orescent would! be watching with pitying complaoeimoy tihe intense consternation of tihe people at the other, as the rat dived boldly along amongst a melee of trouser legs and "frillies'' ; then, presto, the home of bacilli would be on the other tack, and ttiose who laughed last laughed longest and loudest. The rat was kdn/d enough to provide this unrehearsedl entertainment during the whole of the interval, until panic was writ large on every female face of whatever age or degiree in the two bottom rows of the circle. With the re-hoisting of the curtain, the unwelcome visitor was kind enough to retire, and leave attention once more for the ve>ry fin© music. Much talk is made of Sunday football at Taihape. On Sunday morning last one did not need to go as far as "Too-happy" for Sabbath sport, for a minature athletic meeting was held on the Thornidon Esplanade by a number of gentlemen who had evidently beem expatiating about their powers of locomotion at the boarding-house breakfast table, and someone had said! — "Prove it !" The favourite distance seemed to be a hundred yards, and, though one young chap ■was given a seventeen-yards' handicap, he failed to pay a dividlend, or win one. These hardy young New Zealanders had generally a djyinig-dtaok expression after the spin, which sihows that we all don't play football. • * * Some peculiar cussedness seems to pursue the Governor's vehicles. The horses bolted with the vice-regal carriage at Chnstchurch, and were happily prevented from doing damage; Wellington had its "vice-regal carriage sensation, in which Lady Plunket and her baby very narrowly escaped injury; and on Monday last the vdoe-regaJ carriage horses, in Oourtenay Place, "shaped" for a real, rousing tragedy, although nothing dangerous happemed, as none of the Government House party were aboard. Evidently one of the horses slipped on the greasy blocks, and the carriage rolled over the recumbent chestnut until ihe was so mixed up it was difficult to tell where his head and where his tail lay. Anyhow, the wheel had' to be taken off to get him out. It was the horsey men in tihe crowd who set matters right as Boon as passible.

Last time there was a warship in Wellington port, a couple of "jollies"— marines — went along to see how the local volunteers went about, the military business. The two "jollies" got to the drillshed, and watched! a battery doing as well as it knew how. Like most "Tommies," they said nothing and moved less — no one had told them to move, and no orf'oer had told them to speak. Master-gunner Riohardson was doing the best he could with the material he had in hand, and t<he fallowing conversation is indicative of the awful fear the ordinary "Tommy" has for an officer. * • ■* One of the marines stood to attention before the master-gunner, and glamced towards a young solicitor who is a volunteer officer. "Excuse me, sir," he said, "is that a orf'oer?" "Yes," said the master-gunneir. The marine aboutturned, and was making ready to fly hot-foot for his ship, when Mr. Richardson remarked that the "orf'ce>r" wouldn't hurt him. Not untiil the "orf'oer" had personally spoken to the marines did the scarlet-coated 1 one® dare to ind/cate that they, too, like the rest of the muster, were ordinary flesh and blood. During the sitting of the Police Commission in Auckland 1 , a lawyer asked a witness if the police were friendly with barmaids. The witness (a reporter) eaiid that, as a rule, they were — off duty. And the assemblage sniggered a large, meaning smile. The lawyer fmrtheT enquired if the average piubliean would be more likely to engage a barmaid 1 who was "well known to the police," amid who had, in fact, "captured" the man in blue, than the ordinary barmaid who a'ttemdr ed Sunday-school every Sabbath, and prayer-meetings during the week. The reporter replied that he was not in a position to give the show away, and consequently the show remained, where it was. ♦ * * Suppose you have noticed how many negroes have lately planted themselves in New Zealand, probably because the "Land o' Freedom," the oountry of the shreiking "EaeLe," won't have no sort of thing to dJo with them. Tho=e niggers make pretty faiir waiters, and one of them is doing the best he can in a local hash-emporium. An emineTLt poJvtiaiaji, who is near-siehted. wihdle at dormer one evening in the coloured gentleman's hotel, experienced ormsn'deraible difficulty in separating from the plate passed him by the coloured waiter what he thought was a chocolate confection . • # * It stuck fast, so he pushed his fork qujifce under it, and 1 timed again and again to pi-y it up. Suddenly he be>came aiware that has friends of the Opposition at the table were eonivulsed with laughter, which much mysftified him. But has surprise was even greater when the waiter quietly remarked : "Paa'don me, my lord., but that's my thumb !" And it is rumoured' in the lobbies that he will join the Prohibition Party later. • • » A propoe of bears and deer and other foreign animals, introduced, into tlhis country for fun and toumsts, a real tiger is playing up considerable havoc in Victoria. Nobody knows where the feline came from, but the school attendance has fallen 55 per cent., and the gum. and ammunition trade has increased enormously. New Zealand must not allow Australia to have more excitement than this colony, amd we have this 1 day despatched a cable to India for several tigers for distribution among the sheep farmers of Hawke's Bay, who are supposed to be the chief advocates of Dr. Wallace MoKenzie's brown bears and the other gentleman's racoons. *■ •» • Southern people are grumbling because Australia is "doing them out of t!he rabbit market. Probably, the Southern people don't quite know how thick bunny is "on the other side." Cattle stops on the Hay-Bathunst line are eight feet deep, and it is usual for the stops to be full of rabbits every day. The fettlers on. the lines go along on their jiggers, and clear the cattlestops, piling the rabbits on the railwayaide. The man who wastes cartridges on rabbits in Australia is looked upon as a fool, and the person who eats a rabbit is not fit company for Christians. • • • A band of trappens are not doing too well unless they can catch a million in a season, and any ordinarily smart dog can, catch fifty before breakfast. Rabbits in Australia climb fences, amid have been known to climb trees aaid eat the tops while an exodus of bunnies from Vitoria to New South Wale©, across the river Murray, resulted' in the failure of the grass crop one season. It may interest New Zealanhers to know, too, that millions of rabbits are poisoned in Australia every year, that the farmers who poison, them keep pigs, and the pigs are fond of rabbits, and! get as many as they require. The quantity of Austiralian rabbit and snake and 'possum, and wallaby that is turned' into pork can't be represented by tons. Gall it miles.

There is something wrong with tho guessing raaohmery under Oaptaui Edwin's charge, according ix> an up-ooun try paper. A few days ago that gentleman wired l that they might ex peat heavy ram and flooded nveirs, but the weather remained good. Then, he prophesied fine weather, and within halt-an-hour of the arrival of the wure it Qommenoed to rain. On Monday he telegraphed that the weather would be warmer, and consequently they were nob much, surprised to find a very heavy frost on the ground during the two following morning. But then, if th© mistakes of say country newspapers were oast adrift par telegraph eveiy day, they might not be so ready to smile at Oapt. Edwin because he changes his rmn<3 after he ibas sent has telegrams. * # * Here is a story, told in a lobby of the House the other night by a man who re*membersi the first time he endeavoured to get the people to believe he is a better man tnan he knows himself to be. He had been chasing up and down a great waste of an electorate in villainous weather, endeavouring to indroee the free and enlightened to vote for him, and give him an opportunity of saving the country, and had come home on the Sunday for rest and recuperation. That morning he had ridden thirty miles on an old, jerky, roach-backed horse, that butted him about like a shuttlecock, and rubbed the skin off him clean up to his ears. He went to bed at ten. tired right through, and fell asleep. » * * At one in the morning, he was awakened by a great clamour at his front door. He heard the servant arguing with some people there, and presently she called at the bedroom-door of the exhausted statesman : "Please, sir, they won't go away without seeing you."

Then the statesman went down, and found three very drunk outdzens at the door. "Goo' mornin 3 , sher. Glad t' shee year," one stuttered. "We've called t' ashk if she oan'idate's in favour of shuttin' the pubsh on Shunidiay?" "Nol" yelled tine unfunated candidate, "I am not!" "Then, sher," continued the dtrunk, "vou^H (hie!) get no vote of oursh," and the three staggered gravely down the garden path, monuments of sobriety and virtue." * * • "There doesn't seem to be any of that 'd>ass' feeling in New Zealand, or any of that haughty exolusiveness we have at Home," said a new-ohum professional man to us the other day. We didn't answer. We handed 1 him this from an Auckland paper : — "Mclntyre — Irvine. —On April 27, 1905, at Whakarapa, Hokianga, by the Rev. George Pearson, Florence Etheldreda, eldest daughter of Charles Doppdng Irvine, 8.A., G.E., Trin. Coll., Dub., of Rockfield, Hokianga, second eldest surviving son of the late Major John Irvine, Royal Tyrone Regiment, of Killadeas, County Fermanagh, J.P., aiid Deputy-Lieutenant for ike Counties Fermanagh and Tyrone, niece of the late Colonel John Gerard Irvine, C.E., Royal Fermanagh Regiment, of KiMadeas Manor, J.P., Deputy-Ideaitemiant an'd ChaiTman of the Lough Erne Drainage Board, and of His Grace the Archbishop of Dublin, to Donald! Baniks Irvine, eldest son of John Molntyre, Esq., of Nairan, Hokianga. — New Zealand papers please copy." He paled. Slowly he tottered to a chair. Fortifying him with the office bottle, wet got Mm on his feet. "De-puty-Lieutenant of the Lough Erne Drainage Beard!" he moaned 1 , and fell headlong into the street.

The parents of Hutt school-children iar© being served with a form wluic'h is proof that the seed sown by honorary sehool-demtdst Hobbs is likely to germinate. The circular sets out the work necessary to be done to the mouths of examined children, and also details concisely the means to be taken for keeping the crust-crushers up to concert pitch. The circular emphasises the value of the tooth-brush, the evil results on "permanent" teeth by inattention to temporary teeth, the prevalence of indigestion through unsound teeth, and the danger of infection from the same cause.

It also intimates that Providence supplied us with teeth so that we might use them, therefore it is clear that Providence didn't anticipate mam preparing '[health" foods that don't have to be masticated. "Masticating hard crusts, toast, etc., is good exercise for the teeth," and "the teeth aim the first organs of the digestion," are two useful points. There is an aven.ue towards better physical and mentaJ efficiency through the proper oare of ohaUdlran's teeth, and the Lance taikes credit to itself for having bepn the first paper in New Zealand to advocate systematic examination of youngsters' ivories.