It is Town Talk

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 260, 24 June 1905, Page 22

It is Town Talk

—That market reports say "Potatoes are firm." We piefer 'em floury. That, a propoe of patent medacmne maniacs, on© man we know has taken so many pills that all has joints are ballbearing. Thiajb a monk discovared, gunpowder. A Russian admiral is of opinion that the monkeys have discovered howto use it. That round and about Stratford there are 50,000 cows being milked twioe a day, but the North Island Trunk Railway is the cause of all the prosperity. That an. offender, who was asked if he'd be tried by a jury or otherwise, pointed to Judge Haselden, and 1 remarked : 'Til be tried by the rev. gentleman there!" That, if Ashburton is beerless its youths are not without spirit. The latest caper was the spilling of ink all over a schoolroom, and the smashing of all the windows. — That because "I forgot," an ambulance that should have taken a sick child! to the hospital early on on© recent day arrived at 10 o'clock on the following morning. — That Auckland orthodoxy us determined tlhat the Almighty shall have all tihe credit for destroying 8000 Russian lives in the recent naval engagement. It is a grave indictment. That prohibtitionnsts axe complaining that in many towns in New Zealand the trade has already hired every available cab for palling day. The early oab catches the worm. — That, as the trout streams mi New Zealand a<re over-stocked, w*hat's the matter with using the flowing nver be^ tween Kent and Cambridge Terraces as a sanctuary for the overplus? — That the best gun olubs in Britain, France, and Germany have decided to abandJon trap pigeon butchery, a "sport" of which every decent New Ze.alander should be heartily ashamed. — That a Taranaka publican, who had hired! a hall for a certain meeting, is said to have' abandoned his claim in favour of prohibitionists who desired to hear a temperance lecturer speak there. — That Japan asked Britain, for fifty millions of a loan the other day. The great British public in one day offered one hiuindred and fifty molliofnis. And out-of-works are demonstrating] in London! — That the J.P. epigram, of the week happened! in a court in which a man was chargied with attempted swcidb. Said Hns Worship • "It is better for a man to be dead than to commit suaaide." — That the daily papers must be tired of telling begging-letter writers that Carnegie's British address is "Skibo Casfcle, N.8." Th& said papers keep that answer to correspondents standing evidently. — That the American racoon, a poul-try-yard pest, having been introduced into New Zealand, us likely to increase New Zealand's reputation for being a dumping ground for wild animals with unpleasant proelivrtaes. — That the stranger who complained at the Post Office that it was difficult to find the orifices in the caty posting boxes, was very angry until the authorities asked ham not to try to post amy more letters in the rubbish bans — That Australia is asking itself if it ought not to establish a Public Trust Department on New Zealand hnies. The New Zealand Department has been the undoing of the squandering executor and the dishonest or careless trustee. — That the married "Chiistian Israelites," who have gone to Amenica from Australia, a^e to be separated, and will live a life of celibacy. It is juwt as well. The old earth can't stand population increases of religious cranks. — That, happily, no feeling but that of pity was exhibited in connection with the charge against the mother of little "Chambers King," an infant found on the step of King's Chambers a whale back. We are gradually becoming civilised. — That the gentleman who escaped from custody at the Police Court the other day had a precedent. One previous escapee, who got through the window, made things lively at Eketahuna, where he was caught. Really Wellington constables should train for short sprints.

That it is very useful to be a "jack of all trades," but don't let the union know that you practice them. — That English coal is being landed in Duinedin, and sold at less than, the ]ocal product. We have State coal mines. —That the Nelson College pupil-*' cottage, recently burned by fiie, was a thirteen-roomed building. What else could you expect? That a big batch of Chinamen, airived in New Zealand on the aiimvea.--sairy of the battle of Waterloo. Another great British victory! —That "between you and l me," as a Wellington playgoer said, "Rostand and I" thought it was a. bit long when we wrote it'" Who is "me"? — That a wild' oow, measuring twenty feet, and a calf twelve feet long, weie ■captured at Gisborne lately. If you don't believe it, ask the. man who caught the whales. Thlat Fossick is a good name for the swindling solicitor, cabled as having taken £1200 of a client's money. When he fossicked he found good "oolouire" of gold. — That the new penny-in-the-slot stamp-selling machine at the Post Office seems to puzzle the efforts of the nefarious* person with tihie table-knife or a penny on a string. That the Premier wants to reduce the duty on tobacco, because when he was a bile smoker "he was much more eweet-temipered than he is now." Why not grow the weed ourselves ? — That Britain is now rather sorry that she took the contract of civilising the Thibetans. "The country is shockingly poor m mineral deposits, and there are no precious stones." —That we axe anxiously waiting to see what John Chinaman wall do should the municipality oppose- him by opening municipal laundries. "City Lauauderer 3 ' wiH be something new in titles. — That the whales off the New Zealand coast seem to be in ill health. At Ranffitikei a 101b lump of ambergris, worth about £720, has been found. Of course, it may turn out to be kauri gum. — -That a rumour that an M.H.R. wall bring in .a bill during session to prohibit marriage to any man who cannot produce an insurance certificate as a "first-class life," is circulating down South. — That the washerwoman with tlhe ne'er-dio-weel husband is already wondering what she will do for a living when the city launderer calls round for the week's "wash" in a buggy, and brings it back the samei day. — That little Harry Bedford announces that, as a result of his personal influence., the no-lioeoise vote will be largely increased this year. The Lees, Isitts Hays, and Wool leys should ask Harry how he manager it. — That the near-sighted hen that ate sawdust, supposing it to be cornmeal, then went and laid a nest full of drawer knobs, sat on them three weeks, and hatched out a complete' set of furniture, was a pretty fai.r hen. — That, although up to now only gramndivorous beasts have been subject to inspection, the omnivorous swine has by some extraordinary oversight been exempt. The pLg will probably soon be brought into line, and it is time. — That "Mrs. Harrasion, Lee, who, we may assume, js a second edition of Carrie N,ataon, the amiable American window smasher," etc., is the libellous way in which a West Coast paper speaks of the emjment woman lecturer. — That a Gisiborne inebriate, who wandered into the police cells, and went to sleep, was fined 10s for "being illegally on premises." He should appeal on the grounds* that his helpless inebriety made the cell the proper place for him.