Enter Nous

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 260, 24 June 1905, Page 12

Enter Nous

MASTERTON lady hockeyist* glower fuaiously if you whi^pei •'draught-horses" to them. The girls wanted to play the game on the Show grounds but, as it is not peamntted to indulge in giddiness of thus there, it was suggested that an udjaicont paddock might be used by the fair sportswomen. A member of ihe assocaatdon, in di&oufcwing the matter, observed that the owner of the paddock wouldn't allow hi» ground to be so used. Asked why, she remarked "Well, I know he won't let draughthorses use it, anyhow." Which is an interesting indication of the weight and quahtv of the Masterton hockey girl. ♦ ♦ * If you should see a politician m town showing tendencnes of having been badly handled, don't rush to the conclusion that he has been to a Worn em's Christian Temperance Union, or anyfchin.gr of that sort. Although, he doesn't tell the story himself, it has been oiroulating around, and got here with the train lie came bv. He was breaking his journey at, say Rimuvil'le. and walked down the street of that village revolving the possibilities of getting his frll for the abolition of work through the house. * • « He was startled on his travels by repeated ejaculations from passers-by to "Look out!" "Do a get, y'old fool!" and so on. His dignity wouldn't permit hiir- to do anything but advance, until (something like the front end of a ton - nadb hybrid with a tidal wave struck him on tihe waistcoat, and spread ham on "God's own country." ''Them vermilion motor bikes'" he began when a person, who had been hading behind a fence, remarked, oa-suially, that it "wasn't no motor bike . it was Brown's pet Southdown ram'" And, as the ram cleared th-e rise into thei next eilectoral district, the M H.R. threw the (heaviest ttun\g he had o-tx him — the said bill — and 1 sprained his wrist. Hence his need for quiet .lodgings. ♦ • * Frank Hawthorne, who has been imitating stage people at Dux's, together with has brother, Carden Wilson, started at the immac industry when he was fifteen;, and he is now grey-headed. A propos of Alfred Daanpier, who is now ill, Frank recalls a story told in tlh.e papers in 1890. It was at the openan;g night of "The Widow O'Birien," in Melbourne Opera House, and Frank had anpeared on the stage just as Alfred walked into the dress circle. Alfred was at the height of his populantv then and 1 as the people's eyes followed him to his seat, Mr. Hawthorne not knowing of the new arrival, announced "My first attempt will be an imitatiom of Alfredl Dam pier." Afterwards, Alfred wen* behind.. "Do I really talk like that?" he asked. Hawthorne, overhearing the Query, repeated "Do T really talk like "that?" and Alfred, amidst the laughter, owned up that theeofoo wa«. vn excellent working order.

They were both well-dresbed men, they both spoke excellent English, <and they babii sat in the surgeon's con&ultiniig room nurbiuig then ailments and diiscubsuiig them with each other. He of the red tie told how he had a pain m the back ot the neck, a tearing sensation undea the fifth rib, and that faint, aJI-gone sensation the description of wrbich has. made fortunes for pill pucpaiersi and lotion morigeis from time immemorial. The ciyeis of the man with tihe blue tie lighted up with joy, for were not the symptoms of the red-tied one exactly simiUi to his own ? . * The red-tied man retired to the doctor's surgery He told the doctor all about it. He was a merchant, and lived in a twelve-roomed house in Hob-day-street. The doctoi looked grave Ultimately, he decided that the gentleman was to take complete re^t and go into a private nursing home, where he (the do^to 1 ) could see him twice a day. Evidently something organic was the matter The gentleman must "lay up," and strengthen! lrmself for a necessary operation, w ithout which his wife might become a widow and his children orphans Wouild the our© be expensive? No' A mere bagatelle. Operation, say twetfityfive guineas, nursing expertises say fifty pounds— well, in fact a mere hundred pounds would put him right Tlie man with the blue tie saw the grave-faced Hobday -^treeta come out and he himself went in. The blue-tied one lived m a four-roomed house m Newtown. He was a clerk. He described those Hobday - street symptoms. "You've got a 'liver,' " said the doctor, and then he scribbled <wne lndno'pheiable hieroelynhics. "Take tlrs to Portai and Mestle. They'll pye you a pill You'll be all right next day Oh, well say seven-and L six ' Thanks Good-bye." Another appendix saved Anyone who' has any busunei?s that means a nodding acquaintance with Cabnnet Ministers' door-mats knows that type of faded old henchman that sits m the ante-room, who, after eveinig you for a few seoondls, asks your business in the kind of way only privileged "servants of the 1 State may use They are only a step removed from Ministers themselves (the 1 door-step befone mentioned). The Mayor, the Town Clerk and a City Councillor wamted somethiiTiig fixed up by a Minister a ■week or two ago, and plodded' up the staircase to the Minister's ante-room, where the henchman aforesaid wats eating an orange. Aji orange is a sloppy kind of frurt when it won't break into "quarters'' and there is no knife and 1 plate to lend fjohtene^Js to the act, and the old felow's chiim was a wee bit in the way. Swallowing a bit of core, and spitting a coupHe of pips into a dark and, dusty corner, he iuieilv enauiired- —^'Want to see the Minnister?" A reply was given bhat someone else was bedng waited for before the deputation wished to interrupt the Ministerial labours The old chat> bit deep mto the orange again, and allowed his attention to wander. At length the waited-for party arrived, and oust henchman, sucking his moustache with an air of satisfaction, said • "Who us it?" "The Mayor and City Council," was. the reply. "Oh right you are." said 'be, as he spat out another pip that had been trying to beat him, and with that the deputation, was anannottneed.

You've heard a good deal lately about tihe deft female who walks into a dsrapeiiy .store and unaccountably leaves with goods she hasn't paid for. One of the class was> particularly deft over a small money-order office affair. A woman who was about to bank some money wa» at the desk filling up the prescribed form. She stood heir umbrella alongside her, and a parcel oomtauniing a new pair of boots on the desk. A sovereign rolled to the ground, and, leaving £2 on the desk, she stooped hurriedly to pack it up. * * The deft female alongside lifted the umbrella, the boots parcel, and the £2, amd slid gracefully tor thei door. The stooping woman only haw her umbrella disappearing, and chased tihe woman, who handed over the "brolly" with a graceful "Oh, so sorry; quite a mistake." Not until the deft person had got clear away with the boots and the £2 did the unfortunate woman realise her loss. The loser burst into bitter tears — and the gainer is possibly looking round for othen stooping women. * • * Out of the mouths of babes oometh wisdom, tin tacks, shirt buttoin&, wax matches, and divers other things too numerous to mention. A school teachr er in the city was explaining to a class of half-grown, babes the meanamig of the word "recuperate," when she thought of the worth of familiar examples, and, calling one 1 little chap to her side, she sand "Now, Willie, if your father worked very hard all day, he would be tired' and worn out, wouldn't he?" "Yes, teacher," was the ready reply. "And then," continued the teacher, "when night comes, and his work is over for the day, what else does he do p " "Ah, that's what mother wants to know," said Willie, and the teachen- felt it was time to let her subject down quick buit gently. * * * A young man, whose professional eminence is suggested by the height of the collar that envelopes him, had heard that it was rather swell to motor cycile. He hadn't got a cycle of the reqiMsite nwtor kind, but he opened he couldi borrow one. Previous to negotiating the loan, he purchased' the very deepest collar, and the very shiniest motor cap, and went along to a friendly "sport" to borrow the bike. Everybody with motor bike®, valuable horses, and money, is hankering to lend each and all of them, and so the "sipoirt" ffladly offered to assist the young man. If he'd 1 come back in haJf-an-hour lue would' have the motor cycle cleaned up to match the collar and the cap. * * • He came back. The bdte was shining like a new half-crown. The moto.i man asked him politely if he understood motor-., and' the youth replied he would like to know what he didn't understand. He got out into the street, and worked 1 his passage down the- middle of the 1 road, smiling large, aristocratic smiles on the common or garden, pedestrian. Then, he turned the power on. He still found' he'd have to pedal, and pedal hard, to make the steedi gee. He perspired round a block or two, but he didn't simile much at the pedestrians. He passed some navvies, and 1 wished he had a soft iob luke they had. Anyhow, the motor wouldn't mote, and ho returned to the "sport" in a hmp collar and a_ new tmit of pors.piiiatio'ii. "Had a nice ridle ?" asked the "sport" The agondsed'head under the motor cap waereped sadly, and he left hurriedly. The lender had been careful to remove the accumulator before he let the bike go. Will he no como back aeain?

The late lamented City Council have left the city a legacy in the ex-aveinue between Kent and Cambridge Terraces. For isoane- weeks the ring of the axe and the ker-chunk of the pick made merry music, and the arboreal ugliness began to disappear. 'Twas hoped that the. wouk promised a future paradise where the citizens might disport 'mid blooming flowers, and breathe in the luxury of scented, blossoms. Instelad r the asphalt path havinig been raised, the cemtre of that ex-terrace now appears to be a river, struggling hard against fate to get to mother sea. « * * The ancient, rotting fence still remams, and further dowin, where there us still an avenue, the present CounoiJ are now using it for a dumping ground for stable refuse, tons of which either get damply odoriferous, or, dried by thie wind, blows whither the zephyr listeth. As far as can be gathered, the place is to remain in this absolutely disgraceful condition while the presenit Gounod find whether the old Council! had any right to chop the trees down and make a river down, the centre. On the other hand, the new Council don't appear to be in any hurry to straighten out this noisome bungle, the last, of a long series of large messes left over by their predecessors. » * ■» The other diay the head of an, eel was seen sticking out of a shallow pood in an armlet- of the Wyndham river. Investigation disclosed a swarm of eels twisted up and in a sort of torpor. Wii'tih a shot gun and some pitohiorks forty-sux eels were destroyed, theoir aggregate waierh/fc being seven hundred pounds, and their average weight fifteen pounds a-pieoe. An autopsy of some of the biggest, which weie up to 251b weight and 4ft. 6am. in length, revealed that they were gorged -with small eels. The oon temporal y, which tells this fish story wjith much ciroufmwtantial detail, dloes not explain what the eel wathi bis 1 head out of tlbe water was doing. Perhaps he was calling for help. • # • Mr. L. M. Isartt, in a platform advertisement of Mo-. T. E. Taylor, relates how a relative of Mr. Isitt'si tried hard to get. "Tommy" on his staif by guaranteeing him £2000 a-year within eighteen months. "Tommy" replied that the gold was not conned that would tear him away from New Zealand, tihe land he loved, and from the work he wanted to dio here. * « # He was a mild, intelligent-looking boy, bearing the seventh standard hall mark. He was attired in* a new celluloid collar, and his trousej-s were not frayed from playing football. All the skin on, has nose was unbroken,, and his voice was not hoarse wnth barracking. He didln't even seem to have a peg-top or a toy pastol abouit him. His nails were manicured. He wanted a job. The "boss" of the produce firm questioned him. He asked if he was married, if he smoked!, whether he went to ' church, if has father was Bapfcistanan, if he had a character, and whether he could come at 6.30 in the morning — but the most important thing was the "character." The boy said he had! a splendid character, and he lived at Brooklyn. Would he fetchi the document? The "boss" said yes. The boy was back in five minutes', breathless. The "boss" felt that thus youngster was» a prevaricator , a liar, in faot. "You can't have been to Brooklyn and back in five minutes," he hissed. "Have you got your character P" "No, sir." replied the boy, with the light of truth shining in his deep, grey eyes, "but I've got yours, and don't' want the iob'"

A Wellington teaoher «<b recently explaining to a oLa-*.s ot eluldien the meaning ot number" as applied to nouns. "Numbei," the cluldien weae told, in pluial when more than one i&> meant. Examples weie given — 'main, men," mou^o, mice" , and then oanie "foot, feet," which, by an unfortunate accident, was followed bb t > the question, "What us yard I—.singular1 — .singular or plural?'' 'Pluial," at once replied a little gill "Nonsense," said the teacher, "hm\ could 'yard' bo plural?" 'It's thuen feet," was the prompt reply. Tlie weathen is cold down South Thus baild, unsuppoited statement would not be of interest, but foi the light thrown upon it by a Wellington gentleman who ha~> returned from a, Southen n trip. At Invercargill he was misguided enough, on retiring to luts hotel bed one night, to leave his boots on tie floor. In the mornwip he had to get boiling waten poured' into them befaie they were removable He attended an auction sale in the/ Southern town, and no one knew who was entitled to the foods sold until the frozen "Gome, going, gones!" had been put in a fryingpan and thawed. * * * He tells u/> that the fire brigades down there dWt u&e ladders now They merely turn the hose oin to the uppei story windows of burning buildings, the water freezes, and the inmates slide down the icicle. It is a comnio.il sight in the Southern cities to see a horseman stop in front of a carpenter-, shop so that ' chip.s" may saw the boot-> out of the stirrups and the milkmen carry hammers to break the cow-extract up, and sell it m lumpis. The gentleman brought a laige block of frozen smoke with him, but at thawed in the hteamer cabin conning up, and choked a passenger. His widow instituted proceedings for the recovery of damage^, but, a^ she was frozen to death while s ttans m front of the fire vi her law vet \% office, the action, has been stayed. * * * Tthe feeling that Bntishers were going away from their habit of receive and their solemn and intense respectability, has been growing lately. But theie is no occasion to be'heve that Britain is lees piudent than she formerly was. An English municipality has taken action against a patent medacine proprietor , alleging: that 'he did exhibit a sign m public, the said sign being calculated to annoy the public. The dreadful sign, for exhibiting which the owner was fined £2 10s and costs, was "How is your Liver?" * * * Says Adelaide "Quiz" — "Seuously speaking there is however no compaiiu6om between Australia and New Zealand, and every honest politician knows it, and it has yet to be proved that a few shiploads of mechanics and labourers leaving Australia could! find full employment vi Seddon's land." The paper, of course, means that if theie is any comparison possible it is in favour of Australia. This being so, what shiploads of working people from Australia would want to come to New Zealand for beats us. Still, no one can understand the fuss that frequently occurs because working people on either side' of the creek are lookinz for "fresh fields " The Christchuj-ch tailores-es terrible fright over a few Australian girls is still fresh in our memory. * « • A propos of liquor temperance. There is a man who is not a strict teetotaller, and he has a friend who, conscious of his imperfections, desired to give Father Hays the opportunity of wrestling with him. He therefore presented ham with a 2s ticket for the Town Hall meeting. The sinner went to the Town HaJll , but found that, as the people were three or four deep, he hadn't a hope of even seeang the lecturer, so he went out, and wandered round. He met another man, also bound for the Town Hall. He told hnm there wasn't a hope. Then, a bright idea struck ham. "Come on, and I'll get my two bob back again '" he said. It had never been his two shillings, but he got it back again "Comeanaveadrunk '" he invited and they went. Next day the sinner thanked' the prohibitionist for "shoutin c" for him. It transpned during the hearing of a hcenis/intg application at Taihape, that a gentleman i,u an hotel had lushed downrvtairs with a revolver in has hand — m ordeir to prevent the being robbed. The Bench gravely wanted to know why, the revolver-waver berne fully cognisant of the fact that desperate buwlars wei© about to lift the hotel gold, di'dn't notify the police. The gentleman of the gun said he didn't think it was of much importance, and the evebmw*. of the Bench climbed into their top hair, and stayed there Here was proof positive that Terrible Taihape was even more terrible than had been expected. But. when, on being questioned as to the loss sustained, the gentleman with the unloaded revolyeir saad he had prevented a person getting away w,itih a knuckle of mutton and half-a-vard of sausage* from the said "cfifp " the eyebrows came back.

She went upon her knees. He ga\ o no single sign of needing , although ho saw and heaid, he sat, and calmly kept on reading. She humbly knelt ' Strange sounds arose, at> if toa pit,> pleading , but mailed) in bteeil of Be Li: he sat, and calmly kept on reading reports, reviews, fane foreign news, accounts of crimes appalling. She wiped heir brow, the cloth she held she wmng till diop& were falling. And still she stayed upon her knees, and lie was all unheeding. When Mary scrubbed lux office floor, h& caJmly kept on leadmg. The "Pot>t" re-pi nits the astounding information that Glm-vtchui di tianit> make row enough to be heard tlnouigh the telephones at Amberley, tin lty miles away. The "noiseless" trams nt Auckland 1 can be heard bv telephwie users at Whangare\ about a hundred

miles fioan the Queen Gity. There isn't any hmat whatever to the dastanice electi 10 ciaxs oan be heard at plaoe=> conueoted by telephone. * # * There ls a noble youag man down South. At a political meeting lie was mentioned. He was gomg to be married in a week ai two, andl m the meantime was attending the technical school so that he oould make his own furniiture. Mrs Noible-young-man, therefore, would probably be content with a candle-box for a waidrobe, a gin-case for a cihest-of-drawers, and lo^s- of wood for oh.au & utitiil Mr. Noible-young-man made several hundred noundrs' worth of hioaiseilTold goods m his spare time between six o'clock and twelve at nighft. Likewise the ordinary oabi net-maker would at once arise, and ask that the oountuv be relieved 1 of men "what steals a poor bloke's bread out of his mouth."