ENTRE NOUS.

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 256, 27 May 1905, Page 12

ENTRE NOUS.

A LITTLE bit of well-rehearsed comedy, causing delighted chuckles among the Riekards' audience at the Opera House, comes on every night as legularly as clookwaik. The veiy clever O'Meers Sisters' "bum" is not a comedy one strictly. The dignified and poitly gentleman, with the little white "imperial," is the young ladies' father. At one tame during the performance he stands on a chair, which is resting on a table, 111 order to balance anothei chair on the wire for one of the sisteis to sit m. As he holds the chair, one of has black-robed legs disappears with great suddenness through the seat, and the sight of a much-perturbed, but still dignified 1 gentleman, standing apparently in mad-air, endeavouring to free himself from the incubus, never fails to raise roans of laughter. * * • The O'Meers ladies look solemnly on, with never a smile. Despite frantic efforts, the ohan still remains, and the gentleman, with the ohaix lovingly clinging to him, hobbles off the stage, first of all, with evident passion, ordering the male attendants to "get another chair!" He re-appears amidst great applause, with his dignity unimpaired. Lots of smart people have been ringing us up to tell us all about it. Won't they 6ma,rt when they find out it's only part of the stage biz. * *■ * A local chemist has a boy who is a pearl. He is a gem of gems mounted in eighteen carat gold. He believes m early closing. The other eivaninv°- ar> the clock struck six, Mr. Pestle asked the boy to "take this 1 bottle of medicine to Mrs. Blank, 19 Such-and-such Terrace." "Oh, but it's six o'clock 1" pleaded the boy. "Couldn't I take it m the morning as I'm coming to work?" "But, the lady may be dead bv the morning'" "Oh well, if she is I'll bring the medicine back. It might do for someone el=e sir'" And the heartless chemist still insisted * * * A Te Aro mother, who sent her boy up-oountry for a spell when the College teim holidays began, has ieo&ived a letter from hum in which it is shown that he is having a real good time Writes he "Dear mother, I got here all right, but forgot to write before. A fellar and I went out in a boat and the boat tipped over, and' a man got me out. I was so full of water that I didn't know anything for a long time. The other boy has to be buried after they find him Jlis mother came and cried all the time. A honse kicked me over, and I've got to have isome money for fixm' my head. We are going to set a barn on fire to-night, and I expect the cousin and me will have some fun. I shall bring home a tame ferret if I can get him in my box. Please send me enough money to buy a pea-nfle. Mv cousin .Jim shot uncle's cow with h'Ri ln*t week, and uncle took it away from him. We want another — Youi lovine son, George "

Touching the assertion made bj Mormon missionaries still in New Zealand that Monaoiiß no longer favour polygamy, the Oaaiadian authorities have" given Mormons settled- on the North-west Teiritory notice to quit because of their polygamous practices. The missionaries who induce New Zealander^ to join the movement do not, it is true, publicly hold up polygamy as an inducement to "oau version, but once at Salt Lake Oity or clear of the country "they get there all the same. * » • We've seen a mob of stockmen, laugh hilanoub.lv to see a new-chum buoked oft an "outlaw," and chuckle Loudly when they found he was badly miured. The mam who doesn't get hurt always sees, fum when another .slips off a oar and sprains his ankle To see the other fellow's hat blowing along a guttei fu.ll of mud 1 biings smiles to the faces of everyone who doesn't own the hiit What' delight you've felt to see a timber dray swing slowly round and a loose piece of scarttknig knock six spokes out of another fellow's bike. It isn't your bike Ha' ha' ha! He' he' Ho! ho! you would snigger, wouldn't you? J * * * The abher day one of these born humourists was telling a crowd! of men a dreadfully funny thing Said he (Ha' ha!) ""The other day I was walking; behind aw old man who was hobbling ailono; on stick"., and Tie shipped on a cellar flap, and (Oh' ho') he slipped out of sight (He' he'). I la/ughed so much T couldn't speak '" The old fellow who disappeared t>robablv lavished just as much- Anyhow, he couldn't speak. He wouild recover from his laughing fit in the haspita.l. Wluoh brings us to the conclusion that the average man is still a savage just as savage a& Nature herself, who laughs when th» sea swallows up its victims, roars when the cat tortures a mouse to death, screams when the ivy strangles the oak, chuckles when the kahawai snavils the mullet, and dearly loves to send along an earthquake to Sihake a town to bits, or a tidal wave to drown a oitv! The man who laughed at the disappearance of the funny old chap down the cellar flap v* just as kind as God's good sun that scorches an Australian State into poverty. Man sometimes stiiives against cruelty. Nature never ! * * • Little Willie from his mirror Sucked the meroury all off, Thinking in his ohildi&h error. It would cure h.is whoopinig cough. At the funeral, Willies mother Smaitly said to Mrs. Brown, " 'Twas a chilly day for William When the mercury went down." • * * Blenheim as patt.ng itself on the back over the possession of a small romance. Seems that one of its youths, fired with martial ardaui , fought for Queen and country in the African campaign. Returning home to New Zealand, he survived the hetro worship and the ultimate coldness with which all "ex-Tom .mies" are now regarded, and took a job as stoker in a steamer bound for Japan. Ai riving there, he looked around for employment, a/nd is now an officer in the Japanese army, doing good 1 work for the Mikado and Company. Blenheim hugs itself when it adds that the sold-ier-man could, by a «= cratch of the pen, release a huge fortune to which he is entitled, and which now in Chancery. It is the Chancery gag that 2rive>s the w hole show ay. ay

The following ib absolutely true. A lady presented a draft at a local bank the other day, and, as whe was a stranger to all the officials, the tellei told her that, befoie payment of the amount she would have to be identified. Did i»he know anyone locally who would identify her a.s the person named in the draft. ' She d.d not know anyone. She was a stranger to Wellington. The tellei looked thoughtful. "Haven't you," he continued, "something on yon by which yoni could be identified?" The lady blusiied, and, leaning over the oouiniter, spoke in a stage whisper "Wili-c yes, I have a birth-mark — bub. I doiii't Like to take mv blouse off here'" * * * A parson's job is not a bed of roses. Too many "threepenmas" in the Dlate. But this is not the worst. About 2o per oeait. of the humble "thrums" are battered to death, and are not negotiable. One Auckland parson, says — "Nothing could be more Godi-disihonour-ing than to come to ohurch and present to Almighty God a coin that would not be accepted by a tram conductor." A similar complaint was madie by fhe vestry of another civuicn, thus — "The vestry would ask parishioners to be very careful not to give defaced coin in ohurch. It is not reverent, amd it discounts our already very small collections. This habit has been somewhat frequent of late." ■*■ * * You infer, of course' that the average peison merely subscribes to the plate because he knows it is l> respectable," and that if old Jones sees him pass thei plate by he w ill be discredited. The Yankees recently patented an invention which ejected medharuoally all base coins and trousersbuttons. Again, in some churches in America — -notably in those used by millionaires, admission is charged at the door. The person who doesn't subscribe at least a "quarter" ca.w't worship there, and' consequently the audience is select, as congregations of bonnet- worS'hipiDers should be. The obvious method of reform m New Zealand is for the oleirerymen to take the collectionboxes from house to house. * * » Perhaps you saw the advertisement in a local paper "Wanted, a respectable, middle-aged widow, a® housekeeper to a gentleman, view matrimony. Apply personalh- Mi . Blank, 12 S<ucSh-an such-street, Te Aro." At mine o'clock on the morning following a Lady of determined demeanour and large area called at the indicated house, and' asked for Mr. Blank. Mr. Blank was at the office. What dad the lady reouire? The lady showed the advertisement, and Mr Blank, who amwered the door, had to have recourse to the smelling bottle During the morn ins; four young women, two not without encumbrances, and all ' widows," called, and desired to see Mr. Blank on the same errand 1 . » ♦ * Mr. Blank came home to luncfh iust a,s a fat pe,rson, in a beadled bonnet and a perspiration, was leavmg the house Mrs. Blank met her husband, and furiously showed him the advertisement. He looked at it, and it took all his persuasive eloquence to convince Mrs. B. he wasn't going to Salt Lake City with a choice selection of prospectave new Mrs. Blankesses. But when he got back to the office, and 1 taxed several cleiks with the ioke, and the youth with the pmkest eves and the white hair blushed, he fell on him with the r-ular, and nearly annihilated him. The real fact seems to be that there is a lady in it the lady not being Mrs. Blank. It is a dark revenge for a forenuptial iiltine; affair.

The 'Times" forgot one quotation at least in its article on tobacco smoking. It is found in '-WestAvard Ho 1" Charles Kimgsley, through the mouth of one of his- wea-going characters, gets to work something lake this, if we< rememiber correctly "When all things were made, none were made be/tteir than tobacco to be a lone man's companion, a bachelor's friend, a chilly miam's fire, a wakeful man's sleep, a poor man's riches, and a rich man's cordlial. There's no herb like it undler tihe canopy of heaven." # * * Auckland has started a cremation society. This is where Auckland gets ahead of u&. We've got an airea, set aside in Wellington for the erection of a crerniatonum, thanks to Mr. H. D. Bell, but tihere doesn't feem to be any disposition to use it. They don't oremate at Auckland yet, of course, but they are moving rapidly in tihe direction of this sanitary and not necessarily irreverent method of ddisipqsinig of the dead. Cremation is infiniteHy kinder to the living;. The 'cremations at Wokine, England — Wokme is ome of three crematoriums in the Gld. Country — 'bave increased to such ia large extent that the method's of dfaoosal have been greatly amplified 1 this year. • * * The great objection many people ha\e to this method of dealing with the dead is that it might help crimMi/aiS' to dispose of damning evidence. There is nothing to be gained by analysis of the small cinder left over after cremation. It is more irreverent in our opinion to absolutely destroy a oemetaiy (as Mr. o'Su.lhvan, ex-Miniister of Works, -said had 1 been done in Sydney) m order to build a ranlway station on the ground, than to make such sacrilege impossible by cremation. * ■* * Canon Stack tells an excellent Maori *toay of the "fifties." A Christianised Maori main named Simon was to be married to a Christianised Maori woman named Margaret. The ohuiroh was so oiowded that Simon and Margaret were squeezed up against the altar rails and couldn't kneel. They had to remain standing. The Canon asked Sumon to repeat the words "I, Simon, take Margaret," etc., but Simon dadln't get on to the idea a bit. The "Canon's opening roar," in fact, was a blank shot. But mxwi the people began to "tumble 1 " to the idea, and the sha.rkey atanosipheire reverberated to the solemn a espouses of the whole of the congregation, w*ho, man, woman, and child, promised to "take Margaret to he my wedded wife." As eveiybody was a Maori except Canon Stack, there weie no dislocated fumeybone&. * * * Marvellous 1 what adoration is lavished on the undersized' lad who rides real 1 acehorses. Such young gentlemen are at liberty — if not "wasting"— to enjoy all the pravileees which companionship with "shouters" on the look out for "sure things" ensure. The crowd had filled Billy Bowleias ui> with ale, and he remarked — "I remember mding in a trial handicap, and it. was only at the post, before the starter arrived, that we found out tlhiat none of us were 'triers' ! There was a pretty go. I give yer my word that race took a bit o' spenerafehip ! I missed fir<=t by a neck, but I wais so scared when I rode back to weio-h that I neailv fell off'" "How did ver get oiut of it ?" asked one of the younger division, possibly seeking after "useful knowledge, and the teller of the story said- (r Well, ver see. none o' the stooiards was on enne-vthiuk. <=o wot did it matter to them ?" How beautifully simple is the truth, dear berrothers!

A small boy, bearing a faaily large parcel, pushed up to the front door of a public institution m Wellington the othar day, and essayed to pass the guaidian'of the place. The man asked hun what was in the parcel, and being inf aimed ''bananas," he said it was against the rules to take- such things msidle, but he could leave the package in the caretaker's private loom. The boy winked the other eye with vehemence, and asked the man "Whatcher take me ffop"r p " He retired for some minutes, and returned without any visible manifestation of banana except i satisfied \mctuousne«s that played around his plump and ioyoiiis face. Can T co m now?" he said to the attendant. "Wait a moment. Have you eat those bananas concealed about you? *es, all but the skins. I tibrowed them away Yon can't have one now And tihere was ,1 grin of triumph on the boy <» face a- he pa««=ed inside. * * * It fell to the lot of a travelling Welhnetom. Celt not unknown in the flax trade to propose the toast of the p. ess at a Southern gathering last week. In flowery phrases he descanted upon the influence of what, in original language, he dwelt upon afe the fourth estate, but the <rem of his efforts came in the concluding sentence. Perorating upon the institution a* "the smew and backbone of the country " he implored that that sinew and backbone might "spread its bright win^, and shine upon the dull continent from shore to shore. And then he wondered that ., el^ u «"** moved them to laughter rather than any other emotion. * * * Interesting to colonial girls is tihe expression of opinion by "Colonist , m a London paper.— "l have been some years mNeV Zealand, and though myself an Englishwoman, am compelled X state that the Englishwoman compares very ill, class for ©las*, with the New Zealander. The eoloruul girl is from the start far better educated, and a rnoie accomplished housekeeper not to mention the fact that she has better manners a-nd poise than her English sister The Englishwoman ot tlie middle classes is hopelessly incompetent, and really amazingly m*™ 1 *- The 'good-hearted, domesticated English crirl' is apt to be bitterly disappointed on emigration unless she is young enough and sensible enough to alter her ways very materially. Anrt she alters them quickly enough. bne comes out with the intention of getting a Maiv Ann billet, and three weeks after wants to marry a budding millionaiie New Zealand is a great school. * * * A local doctor is telling this little story although, the joke panned out inconveniently for him. Oftentimes his brouo-ham is for a long space of time outside a patient's residence, and the coachman naturally dozes. On Tuesday morning the brougham was standins: m Tinakon-road, and the coachman was nodding on the box. An uncontrollable ioker, who is m a very excellent social position and ought to know better noticed the dozing coachman, signed up to the door of the brougham and closed it with a loud bang The coachman woke with a start, and looked down to see the gesntleman as he tur"ed the handle. The gentleman remarked through the window. lomorv^w morninqr, then, doctor 0 Thanks, good-bye'" and then, turning: ta the coach T^qr. said- "Drive the doctor home I" The doctor got on to the street in time to see his carriage rolling rapidly round the far corner, and there wa,s a little interview later on between a modern ravage and his man Friday

Auckland busaness man are very quaint. The Queen City Chamber of Commerce, discussing mdusAiial exhibitions, listened solemn-ly to <i local merchant tell them that New Zealand had nothing to learn from industrial exhibition® — tifoe paltry soit of thinigs that happen in St. Louis, Chicago, London, and other bush townships — but that foieign merchants bad gained extremely valuable knowledge from the impressive exhibitions given at Auckland and other world centres round the Waitemata. Aloud chorus of "Hear, hears'" rent the we-lbin, and Auckland stocks went up one liundied and fifty points on the London market within two minutes.

Those burglaries and attempted biirglctri.ee> still keep going on mi the frigid South. Lafct week, a gentleman, drove up to the office of a Southern firm, who bitoie luggage, and desired the firm to store a large case for a week. The case was duly stored!, and the geaitOemaji departed. In the morning when the business place was opened, the clerks discovered two other things that were also open. One was the safe and the other the gentleman's case. The si-ife operator ■had been stowed inside that case. It is rather refreshing to note that, except for the damage to the safe, the firm loses a threepenny bit in silver and a shilßiigswortih of half-penny stamps.

Auctioneer T >Vihnn fat <ale of drew t/ootte ) : Now ladies, you can't surely wean to let a handsome sdh petticoat Me thn </o fin twenty shillin<n ' What advance ' Jocular Old Bacheloi : I'll t/ive you twenty-five if you II put a wife in it ? Auction ee i ■ Going, qohvj, gone I James, put it down to Mr. Jones at 25/- and make a note that he order* a wife at well.

Theie is a man knocking about Wellington who is something in the newspaper line but who is it one believes him, far too anstooi atrc to soil his hand-* with a mere news sheet, or brave the inky atmosphere of a composingroom. His uncle' — -so he s/aysi — is Lord So-and-so, whil the reading of a news item about Lady Thjs or That, or tihe Countess of W'hat'-s This, always provokes the remark from him • "Boar old auntie '" or "She always was a queer sort when she vented us'" » * * The other day one of his fellow-work-ers brought him a local paper with a marked paragraph setting out that Lord So-aii/dl-so had dned without a son, and consequently the peerage was extmot, but that the estates m Derbyshire were left solely to has late lordshin's nephew, Mr. H. G-ohon, of Wellinsrton New Zealand — our arLstocratic friend He read the paragraph, and did not iump seven feet in the air with delipht because you see Lord So-andnso didn't exist, and the paragraph was one of those clever printer's diodl<rets so common among type joker* But. having

bluyhed very heartily, he has settled down into a mere commoner, with a Cockney accent, and less blue blood than he asserted he used to oarry about with ham. • * * The callous indifierence of the colonial kid." The teaoher had been reading somewheie that the colonial youngster didn't give that respect and veneration to hib parent* that the children of every other country on e-aith did, and t>o he spoke with great fee-hug on the subject. He asked the boys to deal kindily with their parents, to give them respect, and reveuenoe, and regard, and duty, and love, and honour, and 'Obedience. Hoped the boyis would reverence theLr fathers' grey hairs, for instance, when the old gentleman was a totterer and an old age pensioner. He asked those 1 boys w<h.o would 1 so respect their fattens' grey hairs to hold up their hands. Every boy bar one shot up an arm. The master frowned, amd wanted to know why the callous voting monster dlidn't intend ihanourung his father's grey hairs? ''Please, sur, he's bald, and he ain't going to have no grey hairs 1" * * * Two men were in a Quay restauiant the other day, bitterly disputing as to which crew had won the university boat race (Oxford v. Cambridge) in 1890. There was a young fellow sitting opposite who took a keen interest _in the dispute, and made it quite evident to the contestants. One of the wordy warriors, seeing: this interest, remarked to him "You come from Oxford, nerhaps, sir?" "Yes." said the New Zealander, "I was educated there!" The man was delighted. "What college? Wiat year? Remember old Fluter. and the dlons. and all tlhe rwt of it?" The New Ze-aJander looked 1 blank. "No, ' he said, "I don't. Miws Smith w=ed to teach the school I went to." The real CKfoird" man was nonplussed. "But T thought you said you were an Oxford man p " "So I did. Whatoher petting at'" "Where is Oxford?" a^keti' the university man. "Why North Canterbury of course Any kid know e that^ ■\YlTfv o w^re yon dm^ed ivd anvliow"

Motho What's the watte), <lea> } Youni) Mrs. Neuwed I—lI — I always heaid Fred was fond of the tint, but 1 ii))i})lij can't <jet him to tomh the lawn mower.