Taming Mary Ann... (FOR THE "FREE LANCE" CHRISTMAS NUMBER.)

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 233, 17 December 1904, Page 32 (Supplement)

Taming Mary Ann... (FOR THE "FREE LANCE" CHRISTMAS NUMBER.)

MY wife was in deepei ation. It was only a week to Christmas', and the fourth servant within a quarter had dipped away before breakfast, without a word' of warning. It is almost unnecessary to say that she had been paid tihe previous evening, up to date. Theie i*> an© thiing I pride, myself upon, and that ii that I always pay my servant's wages the first of every month— they never stop any longer than that. Now thus constant changing of servants became monotonous, and I began to think that the fault oould not all be on the side of the servants. I knew, in the first place, that I had lived with my wife for twenty yeans, and' if ;t had only been a case of drawing my screw and! leaving on Saturday niii^bt — well, to put it mildly, I think I -would have left. I wasn't altogether sorry the last servant* girl had left. In fact, I was seriously contemplating, if she stayed on to take out an accident insurance policy over our china A cup a day, in, a well-conducted household, is a fair average, but ouis went in sets. It was a case of "take your partners," and' the cups tooJc the saucers. The plates attended) the fusneral, and got quite broken up with gnef. My wife is a collector of old ohina. It is a hobby of here. She attends eveiy auction sale, and! is as well-known ais the mistakes of the City Corporation . The auctioneer says "Going' Going! Goring!" and! at the last moment my wife, who is a shrewdl purchaser, pops in her bid, and then it is "Gone l " — my money Our cheffomier is laden with old ohina (or rather, was), but when that bag quake shook the plaster off the face of the Government Life office, six cup-handles stuck manfully to the hooks. The cups went on am exploring expedition, and assisted! the elates beneath to entertain three crystal pickle jars 1 , which made a hurried descent from the top shelf. It was "Gone!" over again This accident auite u>i>s<?t the wife, and l she became ill. She worried! oom■binually, and I felt anxious abonirt hei . Surreptitiously I coßsiulited' the family doctor, and explained her symptoms He asked me. in a confidential manner, if there had bwn aiiTv family iars I replied "Yes. but I don't think there are anv left since the earthquake." The doctor smiled approviniq:lv and said "No, I don't suppose so. I know of several parties being thrown together through that quake A threatened national calamity binds> us closer together." I dlidn't eay anything for a moment, because I could not qnite oompiehend the aged medico's remaiks, and then I exclaimed • "Why, in our house it was lake a bull in a ohina shop!" "I am very sorry indeed! to hear that." said the doctor, with a shake of lils head. "Let by gomes be by gones. old man. Return' to the bosom of tout family, and let there be no furthei family jars. Then your wife's nerves will soon recover their equilibrium " "Right, dloctor, I'll speak to hei about the jans, but Wilson keeps knocking them down — and if there is one thing my wife likes, it's jars." "Dear me, what a pity — well, if Wilson is a boarder, give him notice to quit, otherwise you'll never have peace," said the doctor synnpathetii"Piece, doctor, I exclaimed. "Piece! The place is full of piece a iu~ heie, a handle thetro, and jars throughout the house. When the moraine sun peeps m at the window my last-born ones out for "Piece'" the mother turns over, and «.ays • "Let s

have peaioe," and, a& I descend, the stairs to get the piece winch, is to brine peace, I pick up a piece of broken dluna with my bare heed. Then, it is peace, perfect peace, all round'" Then, the gentle doctor rang the bell, and, as the main servant appeared, he said unto him ''Show the gentleman the way — to Ponnia — so that ho might find peace, nerfect peace'" and I was usheicid out into the darkness. * • * But, I am digressing. What has the servant gin 1 got to do with china ' J She should have nothing to do with it, as a matter of fact. In response to a ishiihmig advertisement m the evening paper (I really think they ought to make it sixpence), there was a ring at our bell two nights after Lllv had left us. The departed Lily wasn't anything like Solomon in all his glory, I might add, but I really beheve I oould have learned to love — no, no, no' (merely a slip of tho pen) — respect her had she stayed on . However, I'm getting ahead of my storv. The night, prior to the rime at the door (it is a to kee>" the girl standing at the dooir like this) I Pat down and had) it out with the wife It wasn't our first discussion by anv means, but it was carried' out on fair, businesslike linesOur three ohfldlren. had gone to bed, and just to thoroughly interest you ui our doings let me 1 heire mention that we are a musical family. Julia — that's the eldest — plays a concertina, self-taught, without a book, and the neighbours all come out on to their verandahs otf an evening to hear her play. Her repertoire (?) consists of "Soldiers in, the Park" and "Honey, Play in Your Own Backyard." I'm satisfied no one would let her play eLsewhere. The boy — lie's fifteen years old — plays anything. He even plays the "wag" from school. But, vou ought to see the last-born of our "family. He's three come February. He is a oleve. boy. I dlon't know whether to make a lawver of him or a thief. He'di be a success in either sphere. Now I don't tlhink it's fair to keep the girl standing any longer ait the door. I know it is a girl looking; for the position. The ring was so gentle, so ladylike, so full of me ana n^ that vour mental vision plankedl a big signboard up against Mount Victoria with six-foot letters- "I'm so sorry to trouble vou, but are vou wanting a nice pmart girl?" So, we'll let her in. Prior to doing so, I straighten out mv moustache, dash back my love curl from my brow, pull down my waistooait (by the way. I'm getting rather asuamed of the sign of adiposity u n dei tli at gaiment), and open the door w ith that gaillantry our grandmothers tell us of. It was the new girl. She wasn't an oil pamtinis by any means. I was> glad of that, as I had never made mv wife jealous during oui married caieer. She always <>aid there was notihinis; to be lealoufe of. I could never quite get at the meaning of that remark. "Kindly take a seat in. the kitchen until I see my wife," I exclaimed, as I handed her a chair. 'Thank you, so much," andl how nicelv she said it, too. I felt ouite romantic, and bowed mysellf out of the room. Mr wife was seated at the table, darning — no, bea; pardon, doing some fancy work on the heel of one of my sox I took the seat at tihe other end nf the table, and' mildly put the position thus "You know, my dear, that, as a civil servant of the present Liberal Government I am entitled to a fortnight's holidays every year. I have applied for mv leave on the grounds of being run down through overwork. The

leave has been granted, and to what better use could I put my time than the instructing and taming of the newly-arnved Mary Ann?" My wife glowered at me, and the fi.i e flashed in her eye. It was only for a moment though, and then she exclaimed, "Yes, I'll leave the new girl to you, George. I want a holiday as well as you. I'll engage her, if the references suit, and tell her that, owing to my ill-health, she must take her instructions from you." * • • Two days before Christmas Day my fellow-clerk, Bob Crawshaw, rang the front door-bell. It oame like second <nature for me to rush and open the door. I always like to get there first, in oase it should be my tailor. It was Bob, my old friend Bob. But, I fo<rgot that I had an apron on, and a white bonnet, too. The wife would have me wear them, to give me an au of authority, as she put it. Bob nearly took a fit, though, laughing. I got annoyed He stopped laughmg, and said "Com© down to the Esplanade this moiming. Finnegan has backed nis tern-iei- to kill twelve rats in twenty seconds." Before I knew what I was saying, I replied • "I can't; I'm taming Mary — " Bob went off into another fit of laughing, but I pulled myself together, and, with a view to putting myself right, remarked "I'm taming Mary's (that's my wife's name, too) pet canary." He started to laoigh again, but I slammed the door in his face. I don't know how I'll face him when the holidays are over. I then returned to the kitchen, where Mary Ann awaited my coming to assist her in hex culinary duties. The wife had agieed not to interfere m any way, and the kitchen was to be sacred gi ound foe Mary Ann and me. "Now, let m> to work, my girl," I remarked, as I rolled up my sleeves. "The pudding first. Here is> the leoipe : One of currants, one of 1 aisin®, and one of suet — " "And what about eggs?" Mary Ann chipped in. "There's 1 nothing about eggs in the recipe," I lephed; "but we'll put in a dozen for luck I" So I put m, a pound of each, Mary Ann beat the eggs, we mixed the lot, tieid it in a piece of clotih, and put it on to boil. "So much towards the dinner, my girl," I lemarked, as I wiped my moustache. I had a bottle of beer for my own use hidden away in the scullery. We were getting on famously. "Now, my gill, let us make the mint sauce " We made it. She chopped the mint, I poured the vinegar over the mint a> she placed! it on the bowl, but by some means I succeeded in upbetting the bowl of mint sauce on to her lap and she stood it like a lamb. Mairy Ann was beginning to get anajrv and I thought it was just about time that I should let her see who was master. I felt rather afraid to assert myself. The wife and family had gone out to buy me a present with my own money, and I didn't feel quite safe le{t all alone with an irate female. My wife had missed me so often with utensils that I hadl got confidence when dealing with her, but there was a look in Mary Ann's eye that suggested she could hit as straight a® a Ballinger. Therefoi e, I calmed myself. Stuffing the turkey was the next performance, and, as she said she knew all about stuffing turkeys, I left her to fill the deceased bird with sage, parslev etc., whilst I went to the club to stuff myself— with hops (hop ale). At the club I met several of the civil servants who had) just got their back pav and we drank "Meiry Christmas three times three, and then I returned to my duties in the kitchen. On the way to the kitchen, I inwardly vowed that I'd make Mary Ann sit up. I'd show her that man was barm to rule. As I opened the door leading to that apartment, a scene presented itself that made me stand aghast. A big, fat policeman sat at

the table, with half-ar-loaf of bread! and a lump of cheese on a plate, and the remains of my last quart of bottled beer in a glass It was more than fle^/h and 1 blood could stand. In my most austere manner, and with threatened! violence permeating my voice, I exclaimed : "Mary Ann, I left you, half-an-houir ago, you wei eto stuff a turkey. I return, and find vou stuffing a " Something happened. I don't know what it was. It might have been an earthquake, or a collision with a tram, but when I came to my senses the wife was bathing my forehead with vinegar, my daughter was outsidte playinjg the ooiTcei-tma (the tune waisi "Home, Sweet Home), and to crown all, the parrot, a most detestable bird, was sitting on his perch, with his head cooked on one side, repeating, with annoying precision,, "Good old Mary Ann." ♦ • • Wife "Never mind, George, if you didn't succeed in tanrins? her, you saved us a lot of bother. The dinner was very nice so far. The turkey tender, and the lamb delicious. Julia, bring in the puddine'" The pud din e was ushered in. Wife "T df>Wt ouite like it being tied ut> in the fac°i towel, hut the recipe I got from Mrs Jones was an excellent one Yr>u followed it, did yon 1 not, George ?" Gearee • "Yes dart'lin^." The strine wa« out but oh horror — we'd forgotten to -nut any flour in !" And 1 that nauorhtv little parrot popped his heftd' in through the window, and remarked, in a voice of sorrow — "Good old Mary Ann!"