Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 227, 5 November 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

HIS Excellency the Governor went out to the forts last week, to see big-gun practice. The shellthrowing big guns didn't shell anything, because the weather was too thick. Other "big guns" got in some fine work. Two officers, unknown to the artillerymen at the fort, and dressed! in mufti, passed several of the gunners, who, not knowing them, and seeing no uniform, did not salute. They were at once aeported to the senior artillery officer present. Most Imperial officers have an idea that every non-com, or private soldier is a thoughts eader, and can 6ee a commission that has been left at home in the cupboard. • • To prevent a too-large "crime-sheet," officers who intend visiting our forts should warn the authorities several days previously that they intend to be on view in civilian clothes on such-and-siuch a day. The colonial soldier has an idea that he salutes out of respect to the King's uniform, and 1 not for the man who is entitled to wear it and does not. The difficulty oould be overcome by insisting that officers always wear their uniforms everywhere. Colonial soldiers never have shown lack of respect to authority when they are able to recognise it. * * * Story attributed to the Rev. J. Kennedy Elliott. — "A boy had been disobedient, and, in order to escape his mother, climbed up on the roof of the house. When his father came home, he was mad© acquainted with the boy's escapade. Vowing to have him down in quick time, he climbed after the youngster. The latter allowed) him to approach, and then whispered, 'Is she after you too, father?' " ♦ * • A propos of the practical jokes played on a Kumara man recently, and chronicled in the Lance, the Kumara paper writes editorially saying that the man has been driven to desperation. He has been held up with a revolver, and 1 had his watoh taken away. He went in fear of his life, and took refuge in a church, sleeping in that edifice. He has been examined by a medical man, who, in a published letter, certifies that he is being driven insane, believing; that the persecutors are Russian spies, intent on his life. The whole series of practical iokes were perpetrated because the unfortunate man believed he was a capable singer, and accepted every fool's advice to apnear in public. The people iti prominent positions who took a hard in the heartless practical -joking won't welcome inquiry into the affair.

Thete is a commeicial travellei headquartered in Wellington, who lather prides himself on hi* sleight-of-hand smaitness. He can give pouits to the "Aitful Dodgei" as an. amateur pickpocket, and he is an mcoirigible joker. Coming down from Napier the othei day, with a fellow "commercial," who was taking "forty winks," he annexed the ticket from his friend's waistcoat pocket. Later, the friend awoke, and, with the tiaveller's instinct, felt for his ticket. It wasn't theie. "Oh, I know," he said. "I put it in my handbag " But search, proved fruitless. Be heard the doorsislam, and knew the ticket-collector was coming. He didn't want to pay again. He appealed to his friend. Friend advised him to get under the seat. He didl so, and it was a p,ietty hard job for a fourteen-etone man. "Tickets, please!" said the official, as he came in. The lone traveller gave him two. "I don't want two tickets from you, sir. There isn't another passenger in this car is there. The joker took the railway man by the arm, and whispered loudly "Vee, he's under the seat. He's a bit 'gone' hi. the upperstorev and I'm taking him down to Porirua. He's got a notion that he's Kouropatkin, and all the rest of the world are Japs. Better hrumour him." And the friendship of a life is bioken off. ♦ ♦ » Some of those Fitzgerald Jap wrestlers were distinctly funny. One paraded the streets clothed m a kimmo, patent-leather boots, and a Scotch cap. He told an interviewer has name was McGrath. and he oame from Yokohama, "a small Dutch settlement in the North of Ireland." Another Jnpanese joker created some large smiles by ardently admiring the waxen ladies and gentlemen in the D.I.C window. For five minutes he doffed his hat. repeated L ly to the art creations, and, on leaving, wafted many kisses to them. He was indignant that the "honourable English" didn't respond. * * * He was one of those objectionable persons who if you don't watoh it, will put his arm round your neck, and breathe • "Dear berruther, are you saved?" He travels in smoking carriages, so that he may wrestle with the sinful cremators of the weed The train was .slowing down at the Te Aro station, and he had just handed a smart young man a tract • "Are you on the right track, mv brother ?" and he was wrestling with him about the cigar habit. "How many ciaars do you wnoke a day, berruther?" he asked. The young man was annoyed, but he said ■ "Oh, about four." • • * "How much do you pay for them ?" continued the saintly one. "Oh, about sixpence. There now, let me alone." "Sixpence a-pieoe — two shillings a day — nearly forty pounds a year. Dea.r berruther, if you didn't smoke you might hßve owned that palatial building over theie'" The person pointed! to a bis: warehouse on the Ouay. "Do you own it P" a«ked the abandoned ciga.r-smoker. "No sir'" "Well T do'" Hymn one hundred and sixty-four. All sing!

'Up Guards, and at 'em!" The enemy? Mo, tarts. Where Masonic Hotel, on Wednesday of last week. Thought we'd sti oiled into th« guaidroom at the Tower, or the Bank of Kngland, until we noticed the officer commanding wasn't a duke, and the subaltern no marquis. Muffin oaps on. the wall, scailet tunics on the men, and a good spread on the table. Capt. John Duthie, all smiles, in the chair ; Lieut. Smith, who never smiles, supporting him. A stiffening of very old hands, wearing long-service volunteer medals, and a seveie expiassion. Also, a stiffening of ex-oontingenters. who have been on many a gory veldt. All glad now-a-days to kill nothang moi'P formidable than time. Fine fellows those Guards, and careful of their kit, shiny buttons, and! closecropped hair • no beer stains on the gay scarlet, and a good deal of enthusiasm bottled) up under the said scarlet. You gather that the oompany officers are popular, and the colour-sergeant equally so. Gharlie Bould, the said oolour-sergeant, lives at Johnsonville, and he never misses a drill, often having to tramp it, four miles out and ditto back. He, wears the South African medal, with five bars (all big eneagements'i and 1 the twelve-yea re' service volunteer medial. He sings a good song, too, but he can't see) the music without "specs'" — South Africa/ again. There is the lengthy, good-looking infantry rmsti uotor, Sergeant-major Colclough, with a voice like a well-modu-lated fog-horn. He can raise has glass higher than anybody else, because he's between six and seven, feet long. The serious Lieutenant Smith speaks of a church, parade, which he thinks is sadly needed by the Guards — and' the Guards' officers. We agree. Says he wants them, to win the next shoot, because he lost "ten bob" over the last one. The Guards' proudest honour, so they say, is that they sent two men. to the First Contingent — 'and the authorities were strict about the "First." » * « Wonderful what a lot of song and toa^t and tale can be got into two hours (early-closing is a handicap sometimes), and it isn't very usual to sing "Auld Lang Syne" at about ten o'clock, is it ? Thei cis a rush for mushroom caps and the fieldr-service variety, for there is a sprinkling of other volunteers there, and a pressman is left' alone with a number seven mihtarv muffin to fit a six and a-half head. The shops are closed. He- goes home in a handkerchief. ♦ * * In a Northern township a deputation was appointed) to wait on a Scotchman one fine evening to say that he had unanimously been chosen by .the kirk session to fill the vacancy in the eldership. When they called at his house, they didn't find him at home, but his wife asked whether she couldn't represent her husband in any matter of business they had to discuss. One. member of the deputation said that he hardly thought she could. "The fact is," he said, "we have been deputed to> tell your husband that he is about to be elected to the eldeirship to fill the place of the late Mr. McTavish." "Aw, weell. you may tak it frae me that he's naethin' o th' sort. He's conneckit wi plenty o' drunken societies already'"

He was a country settler, with some sheep, a mortgage, and a wife. Likewise he had a select assortment of "tote" tickets that bore the wrong numbers. He was depressed. He told the missus so. He got a bottle of strychnine he used for poisoning rabbits, mixed up a goodly draught, locked his wife in a room, and bade her good-bye. His troubles weie so Teat, hei would leave them to his wife. He went outside the door with the mixture, and carefully threw it away. Then, he released his wife, showed her the empty oup, and started 1 in to expire. * * * The wife got some neighbours and a buggy, and! took the "poisoned" man to the hospital. Half-way there he pulled out his pipe, and had a smoke, remarking: "It's all right missus and chaps: I was only pulling your legs!" It is a pity for the wife. The curious thing about it is that when the neighbours insisted on taking the joker to a wayside creek, to damp his 1 fun-propen-sity, the wife attacked the orowd with the buggy whip, and drove her treasure baok home to safety. * * ■* Journalistic smartness is much overdone now-a-days. The rage for condensation is all very well when there are no patent medicine "dummies" to emphasise the fact that a great many long words would be better than, longwinded fill-ups. Australian papere, whose space is so valuable that diamonds and it are synonymous 1 terms, use the awkward, illoencal, and not euphonious word "Soustralia" to indicate the land of big droughts, mortgages, and ninety-five religions — South Australia. * * # Ever cast your eye at the Press Galleries of the "House," and noted the gloom of concentration, shrouding the bulging brows of the people's pencillers? Wouldn't think that the gloom could lift, and the light of larnkinism shine in the tired eyes. That's wihat happens once a year, however. The men who journeyed to the Bellevue Gardens on Sunday last were distinctly out of training, but rotund and "skinny." long and short, chased around as if life was one long school-holiday. • • The sedate commodore of the "Post," Editor Lukin. who lives at the Bellevue Hotel, certainly brought the weight of his authority to bear on> the giddy youngsters of 45 or so who, in, driving from the garden to Mr. Duthie's country home, raced the 'horses on foot, and put up good' time and a lot of dust. * * * People who are disposed to shudder at the idea of pressmen " breaking out" once a year, should class them in the same category as "Jack ashore." They are cooped ut> in the ship of State for so long that their eyes grow dim, and their brains cobwebby. They try to reduce Parliamentary proceedings to common-sense, and are, as a rule, working hard) when unionists are in their beauty sleep. Sunday is the only day they can. break bounds from the ship, and', as there are no naval police or squads of "iollies" to interfere, they have a good time. Mr. Isitt, who is a Press Galleryite, did not start.

The mother of the French President, Loubet, still sells cabbages, and the President doesn't mind. He is often seen riding into Pans in one of those quaint peasant carts, alongside the old lady. With exquisite Fienoli politeness, the first citizen of the Republic dismounts at the market place, hands the ancient dame down at her stall, salutes her gravely, and goes to the work of State. No one thinks it extraordinary. Some of our highlyplaced men could learn a wrinkle from the Piesident. •» • • Most of the oountry reporter was hidden by table, and gum-pot, and papers. What appeared of him was youthful looking. A saturated individual, with a confirmed hiccough, sauntered 1 in, and demanded to be confronted with the editor. The editor is a peaceful man, and the reporter knowing this, shrivelled down behind the table, and whispered tremulously "I am he.' The "drunk" remarked that hp was a blanky blitherer, and an ensanguined ruffian, and a eoiy pervertecr, and lots of things, and he iust wanted one five-minutes at the editor. » * * The reporter was nearly under the table by this time. "Yer no man !" the "drunk" lemarked, and leant over to tweak the reporter's nose, and breathe on him. Twelve inches of leporter appeared above the table. "Yer a coward!" Two feet of reporter arose. "Yah, yer bally ink-slinger!" Four feet nine inches were now visible. The "drunk" seized the gum-pot, and dashed it to the floor. 'Twas too much! The sacred gum-not! Six feet four and a-half of "Off-sade Mac" reached for the "drunk's" shirt-collar and the "drunk's" pants, and the challenger had taken but one step from the office to the street, and that one step, was supplied! by the big footballer's boot. Moral : You want to get editors and aeporters to stand up all at once before you challenge them. ♦ • • English as she was spoke by a councillor at a mid-island Borough Council meetang. The councillor was angry . — : "I'll have no more of these lnsinuendoea. Councillor O'Briem has bin doin' nothin' but vitrify me ever since the last election. Let me tell him onst and for all, if he's man enough to repeat his allegatora outside I'll have to seek lesouree in the law." ♦ * * Rev. John Hoskmg, who will be remembered as the Libeial oandidate for Waikato in 1898, on which occasion he broke with the Wesleyan Church, and started a little bethel of his own at Auckland, has broken out in a new place. He is now in the wholesale marriage business at Fitzroy, Melbourne, which was for so many years the happy hunting ground' of Rev. Nathaniel Kinsman, a man after John's own heart. This is the advertisement that the Rev. Hosking inserts in the Melbourne "Argus 1 " : — ALL MARRIAGES SOLEMNISED, Rev. John Hosking, ordained Protestant clergyman, at 101, Gore-st., Fitzroy, or church, or your home ; hours, 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. ; witnesses provided ; fee, moderate. ♦ • • By the way, the marriage business has been reduced to a science in Melbourne. Hosking is not the most "up-to-date" of the craft. Side by side with his modest advertisement appears the following- — ■ MARRIAGES CELEBRATED by Clergymen, with due solemnity, in strictest privacy, at Holt's Matrimonial Chambers, 448, Queen-street. Melbourne, opposite Old Cemetery or elsewhere, from 10 a.m. till 10 p.m. daily, Saturdays included (no notice required). Marriage fee, 5s 6d; or marriage with guaranteed gold wedding ring and necessary witnesses (witnesses provided), 10s 6d. Marriage certificates are same as supplied by leading clergymen. 15,000 marriages celebrated last 14 years by ordained clergymen, Church of England, Presbyterian, Congregational, Baptist, and others. "Opposite the Old Cemetery or elsewhere," is delicious.

Time hangs heavily on the hands of Borne of our Sassiety ladaes. In several fashionable homes in Wellington it is now the practice to give 1 afternoon progressive euchre parties, embellished with all the poetry and witchery of night. The blinds and curtains are drawn tight and' the gas is lighted to keep out the vulgar daylight— vulgar because it belongs equally to the common people andl the "bong tong." Well, after all, hockey is better than. this. # * « In a paraphrasing lesson, m one of our local schools, the scholars were given the well-known lines "Truth from his lips prevailed with double sway, And 1 fools who came to scoff iemamed to pray." The rendering of the latter line by one of the boys was as follows — "And fools who came to eat remained to pray." • ♦ ♦ Federal Senator Higgs, of Bananaland, who evidently possesses a keen sense of humour, wants the Commonwealth Government to prohibit the illustrated 1 papers from "publishing unfair and biassed articles, paragraphs, and cartoons calculated to bring the great Russian nation into contempt in Australia." But, this was before the Baltic fleet outrage.

A hotel stoiy, from Waitara. A few nights ago a young gentleman, occupation jockey, who had evidently been flying pretty high, wandered into the Masonic Hotel after hours thiough a skylight, and asked foi a drink. The landlord opened the dooi, and emptied him mto the outer darkness. As he was returning from the door after his righteous performance, the jockey materialised again, and smote him with a blunt instrument, so that he became unconscious. When he came to his senses he found the young gentleman danoing a hornpipe on his body. He seized the iockey by the leg, and tipped him over. A well-directed kick from the rider put him to sleep again. Then, his fi rends came and. gathered up the fragments. Next day, the lightweight called to mention that he was sorry but when it came to Court he was fined £5 and 1 ordered to pay £5 costs. # * * Mr. Tom Mann is barracking for "State insurance against sickness, accident, dull times, and unemployment." Tom Mann is so learned' in political economy that he knows that bad' time's produce mare revenue than o^ood one«. and therefore the State is able at any moment to call down golden sovereions from the clouds.

Who says that the modern newspaper reporter is matter-of-fact. liist : — "Again have radiant, fragrant yo<ung maiden's eyes, luminous with love and joy, beamed through bridal veals, the most ecstatic hope of every maiden's heart. Miss Lottie Smith is the maiden with beauty's crimson glow on her cheeks made happy by nuptial rites, and Harry Jones is the cavalier who, with the gallantry of plumed knight© of ancient love, wooed and won her pure and tender heart." And there is two and a-half columns besides. * * * How is this for high? — "Evening Post," November 1, 1904 : —"Wanted to sell, a convenient-6ized dining-table, with extension leaves, sleep at home and Sundays off. Apply 52, Bullerstreet." * * • Beware of the jewellery hawker. Sometimesi he is an Assyrian, and sometimes he is a fraud. His happy hunt-ing-ground is in the back-blocks. He goes to the country t settlers' wife with gold 1 chains reposing on) lovely plush beds, and sells them if possible. A woman at Eketahuna recently paid a hawker £7 for a "gold" chain. The husband brought it to Wellington to have it valued. "Oh, about 9s 6d a dozen in T3rum,' " was the answer.