Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 224, 15 October 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

" "^^\ RE y'are, boss, if you wants an Jii oil-can. l" A gentleman stepped out of a neighbouring shop, and handed to one of two members of the House an oil-can. They were going home in a motor-oar — peihaps. "Give 'em a bit of a push up behind!" interjected a rude boy. "That's wheie our bloomin' money goes!" said a man, who probably believed that members were supplied with motor-cars from the public funds. The senior of the two manfully tackled the bust machine, and the peispiration rolled down his grimy face. "I'm afraid she's a "goner," said the worker. "Oh, Ell, what shall we do?" "We'll have to shove her!' » * * Then, two members of the august Assembly got into scrum form, and hustled the vehicle through the dust. The populace was delighted. "They'ie working at last !" remarked a man with a vivid recollection of the "stonewall." Two furtive politicians, with streaming features, pushed that machine as far as the Fire Brigade Station, and planted it in the bushes. Then they "padded the hoof" home, and 1 the 1 audience raised a cheer. Barbarous ! • ♦ * A main who had' been reported dead writes to the editor of a down-country paper as follows . — "Sir, I desire to call your attention to a few errors in your obituary of myself of Wednesday last. I was born in Palmerston North, not in New Plymouth, and my retirement from the flour and wheat business m 1896 was not due to ill-health, but to hard times. The cause of my death was not pneumonia." To give you a faint idea of the worship lavished by West Coasters on their member, Mr. Seddon, it is only necessary to reproduce part of a miner's letter written to a West Coast paper. He refers to the striking of the mam reef in Westland twenty-five years' ago- — "They at that time also discovered a stone, as they thought, in its raw state, and, after a little polish, found it to be a diamond of the most brilliant hue, and the brilliancy of this diamond gives light to all nations of the earth in the person of the Right Hon. R. J. Seddon." And it has lately been discovered that at least one nation — Germany — were in utter ignorance of the source of their lierht, having never heard of the name of Mr. Seddon. It is the most painful oommentory on the lack of German education we have heard of.

He was a chemistj, who was pounding nastiness in the sink at the baok of h s piemises, and he heard a lusthng m the shop. "Come in I" he called. The gentleman accepted the invitation, and sailed into the dispensary with an evil twist in his tail, and a bloodshot look in h s eye. There was a small window m the dispensary, and the chemist shot head-foremost through it, and fell on a flower-bed in his back garden. A stockman riding into a chemist's shop on a big horse, and wielding a whip, isn't too good foi bottles, and a bull turning short among chemicals isn't profitable. Anc 1 that Wellington chemist is rather sorry he said "Come in !" * » * The Lance mentioned last week an instance of rudeness by one of Wellington's "upper ten" women, who neither spoke nor smiled at a man who restored her fallen purse. It is by no means, an isolated instance. In a tea-room recently we noticed a lady who is absolutely a first flighter drop her umbrella. A younger lady left her seat, and restored' the umbrella with a smile, and a few polite words. The firstfliehter didn't even stop talking to her companion. * * * On the stepa of Dixs Theatie one evening another lady, who was going UTj to the dress circle with a gentleman, dropped a diamond brooch. A man behind picked it up, raised his hat, and handed it back. The lady snatched it ludely, without any acknowledgment. Again, at the Opera House, a ladydropped her purse. On its restoration b t a very ordinary individual, the lady at once opened it, and counted hei money. These are all genuine oases that have come under recent observation. There is sad need for a "Guild of Courtesy" in Wellington for others than school-children. * * # Major-General Babington isn't fond of rifle clubs, because "beyond shooting they ieceive no training for war." About half of the men who belong to rifle clubs in New Zealand have been volunteers, and, if paraded, would creditably perform all the "training for war" the piesent volunteers are capable of. The British standing Army was practicably doubled during the Boer war by reserves who had, in the majority of cases, been in civilian employment from one to five years. The best batteries of artillery in Africa were manned mainly by reserve men who had been called to the colours at short notice, and sent to the front. * * * Theie were tens of thousands of infantrymen in the 1 anks who hadn't been on parade for years. Still, those men were quite equal to a three-year service "Tommy," and did all that was lequired just as well, if not better. The rifle club men of the colony are probably quite as able to take the field to-morrow as the volunteers, and, apart from pothunting piochvities, should, in our opinion, be laised from the humiliating position they now occupy.

A dear old gentleman, with blue eyes, white whiskers, and Dowie back-hair, went into a oountiy shop the other day, and bought five shilhngsworth of goods. He tendered a "sovereign," which turned out to be a gilt shilling. The shopkeeper jumped the counter, and baled him up, making him. disgorge the proper change. A Chinaman passed one of these mnocenMooking "bobs" over a public office counter in Wellington last week, and came along next day and tried the same trick, which didn't come off. You want to watch those sovereigns. They are very deceptive. * # * But, the quaintest coin transaction happened in Auckland about eighteen months ago. A man went into a grocer'^ shop, and bought some goods. He tendered" half-a-sovereign, which the grocer took, but suspiciously threw down with a cry of rage, and closed with the tenderer. He detained him while the police were iung up. A policeman came, and the first thing he said was: "Why, Caiey, what the divil's up?" The man arrested by the grocer was a detective! The suspected coin was a genuine one. The reason of the detective's purchases was afterwards apparent. All the goods sold to him weie under weight. The detective did not remain under arrest. The grocer did. * * * The village belle in bridal-gown Stood at the altar-rail ; She waited for the tardy groom — He surely would not fail ! But still ne came not, and at last Someone the bride must tell : And so they told the sexton, and The sexton told the belle. * * # Auckland has its stining times. A populous suburb had a big burglar hunt the other day. A resident saw a man get in the side window of an uninhabited house, with a bag, evidently containing house-breaking tools. He rang up the police. Two mounted constables rode hard from town. Was the burglar still within ? He was. Drawing their trusty weapons, they stationed a volunteer tradesman at the front entiance, with a revolver, telling him that if the burglar attempted 1 to escape he waX to call on him three times to "Hands up!" and if he didn't, to pot him. Then, they sneaked round the back elated with the thought of inspectorships in sight. * * They burglariously entered the backdoor and, finding the luffian within, called on him, with their trembling revolvers describing hieroglyphics in the air, to "Stand and deliver!" "What ai c you two idiots up to ?" asked the man. "We arrest you in the name of the King!" "What for?" Burglary." "Well, s'elp-me-bob, but you're a nice pair. A oove can't do a job o' plumbing without a couple of blue-bottles coming holding guns at him!" The plumber had received orders from the landlord to do some repairs, and, the keyr not being available, he had merely shifted the window-catch with a chisel, and got in that way. The police and tlie citizen with the revolver are not heioes after all.

Men get fined anything up to £10 in Wellington for addiessing the atmosphere a& if it wa& a team of bullocks, or a lost collar stud. A story drifts through from Stratford, illustrating the picturesque use of adjectives by a gentleman in a barber's shop. There were many patrons in various paths of life awaiting their turn, and the razorpuller's pleasure. One of them was a parsoD, who, with thoughts fixed probably on next Sunday's sermon, sought a subject in the last issue of the "Post," anJl whe.n the door opened, and a picturesque person — alike in appearance, attire, and, it subsequently transpired, in language — entered, with a swearful and cheery greeting, the parson didn't notice it. * • * The stranger strolled over to the cleric, and, quite unconsciously, with not the least intention of being either rude or cheaply funny, looked 1 a moment at the paper, and 1 £hen slowly said- — "Blime, mate, hurry up and turn it over, and let's have a vermillion look at the ensanguined war news." It was merely habit, but it was a bad habit, which the young stranger had gf^into through conversing with bullocks, and, except this "innocent abroad" from Way-back himself, all those men assembled blushed 1 a rosyred, as the Australian adiectives rolled and rattled round the shaving saloon. There is going to be some difficulty about getting led hot Imperialist peers and baionets. to take Australian Governorships in the future. The latent Australian Governor to throw up his billet because his salary was reduced is Governor Chermside, of Queensland. Loyalty to the great Empire is a good and popular sentiment while the salary is adequate, but even loyalty has its price it seems. Remember that the Marquis of Linlithgow, the first Governor-General, threw up his billet because he thought the salary was too small. He wept himself off the Australian Continent, and got made a marquis. He is one of Britain's richest nobles, but he had his price, and a high one. Likewise, Sir Herbert Chermside has a decent pile, irrespective of gubernatorial earnings. * * The electric cars are fairly noisy, and it is sometimes difficult to hear one's friends speak. The average lady travellei, however, surmounts this difficulty tor above everything, the women of Wellington do not whisper. In a short journey the other day, we found out that the lady with the red geraniums m her hat wasn't going with Jack any more; that the lady in the crash costume had given up using Neaves food and intended buying milk powder m futuie; that the distinguished-look-ing person in the black-beadedl mantle was the wife of a butcher, whose sausage^maohine broke down last week ; and that the gentle-looking little girl • x £ove-like eyes and fair hair, is going to Nelson for a holiday in NovemVli. T these confidences were hurled at the hearers at the top of the ladies' voices. It illustrates excellently the ladies contempt of the conventional, and their estimate of the value of a free advertisement.

He is an auctioneer, and a confirmed practical joker. Once he sent a, man to Palmerston North, on a wild-goobe chase connected with the alleged death of a friend. The man has been tiymg to get even with him ever sance. One day last week he made an, attempt. The auctioneer was selling stock just outside Wellington, and the man who was looking for vengeance slipped a lighted cracker in. his pocket just as the auctioneer exlaimed, vi a loud voice, "Gone!" The cracker cracked, and the auctioneer jumped over a stockyard fence, and was chased by a pnze bull. The man of vengeance laughed heartily, and put his lighted pipe in his pocket so that he oould do it better. He had a pocketful of crackeis 1 , and the result can be imagined. He retiied from the scene with a chastened expression and hah 0 a coat. He has given up his scheme of vengeance. * » * "G. B. D." to the Lance. — "I read the other day that a couple who had been drawing the old age pension had applied for its discontinuance, because they found that some property they owned was bringing in moire than they had anticipated. Those old people are independent, and will be honoured for it. All old couples do not follow this example. For instance, I have in mind two hale and hearty people who held a block of land that is now worth several hundreds of pounds. They couldn't diraw the old age pension, of course. They therefore transferred to their son, and applied for the pension. The son its in a ax>od position and the couple live with him. They draw together 15s a week, which they have no need of . They frequently travel on holiday trips, in great state, and' poverty is a> thing they know nothing about, and 1 never have. * » * "I know many old couples who are sorely in. need of help, and! who are not qualified to leceive it. It is the people who evade the provisions of the Old Age Pensions Act who make the court a court of inquisition, and raise obstructions to the granting of pensions to those who most need them." * * * A propos of the fishing season now on — Too tired 1 to work, Too tired to walk , Too tired to lead, Too tired to dnnk ; Too tired to write, Too tired to think ; Too tned to ride, Too tired to low , Too tired 1 to stay, Too tn ed to co , To tired to want, Too tired to wish ! But never too tired To sit and fish. * * * Mr. Meikle, the wrongly-imprisoned man, is touring the country lecturing. Sometimes something amusing crops up at his meetings. Said Mr. Meikle, reminiscencing about the case at Queenstown the other day, quoting himself : — "Your Honor, I ask you to pass as light a sentence as you possibly can, for I am an innocent man. I have a wife and twelve children, the eldest not seventeen, and the three youngest not able to walk, and the judge gave "me seven years." A lady in the crowd sang out — "You deserved fourteen years," and she did not refer to the case, either. She was a mother herself. * * * There was a hullabaloo in a Ghuzneestreet boarding-house a few nights ago, occasioned by a youthful lodger, whose name may be set down as Brown. He had been found a very quiet and pleasant young gentleman as a rule, and 6O accommodating that when the landlady asked him to take the draughty back room, with the misfit window, the bioken grate, and the rattling door, that she might give his comfortable room to the well-to-do elderly newcomer, Mr. Binks, she knew he would not have the courage to resent it. ♦ * * Brown went to bed in his new room that night, while Bints, fat, elderly, and with gouty tendencies, snored pleasantly in hi 6 old one. But, shortly after midnight, the whole place was disturbed by a demoniacal howling coming from Mr. Binks' room, and when a small party had gathered 1 on the landing, as the yelling and sounds of a struggle continued, they boldly advanced to the rescue, and found young Brown and old Binks on the floor in the middle of the room, entangled in the bedding, revolving wildly, and fighting for all they were worth. ♦ • • It transpiied that Brown was a bit of a sleep-walker, and had walked to his old room in his dreams, and attempted to get into his old bed. Binks, suspecting burglars and murder, had grappled with him, and a rough-and-tumble resulted. Binks got a blackeye in the argument, and now Brown is back in his comfortable room. When interrogated about the matter, he winks gravely.

The Court ordeily in a Southern town grew so ashamed of the diity, greasy copy of the Scriptuies that had done duty in the court foi many yeais, that he substituted for it a Johnson' 6 Dictionary, left m the look-up by some literary prisoner who climbed out one night through the ventilator. Upon th:> sham Bible was sworn a witness, whose testimony was subsequently discovered to be incompatible with the truth, and who was oonvicted of perjury and sent to gaol. * * * Shortly afterwaids somebody discoveied the innocent fraud to which the great lixicographer had been an unwitting party, and now the friends of th . convicted, perjurer are petitioning foe his release. They will, no doubt, be successful, because perjury is not a crime in itself, but only when committed' over a Bible. Seems to be about time that the law was so altered as to make lying in the witness-box a crime, even though the individual testifying held in his hands the "Adventures of Baron Munchausen." * * * A voice f 1 om Karon . — WV' may beat our swords to ploughshai es And our spears to pi umng-hooks, And betake ourselves to farming In the peaceful country nooks , But we want them back as weapons When we find, at eaily dawn, That our neighbour's scraggy ohickens Have been scratching up our lawn. * * * A serious Bench and some gifted barristers the other day discussed the question as to whether a man who could stand up in the middle of a room and say, "Archiepiscopahanism" was mtoxiroated according to law. The barristers held that as long as hp could stand up without holding anything he was sober. We want to know whether a person we saw under a Newtown lamp-post the other night was sober. It was 11.30, and he was kicking the lamp-post violently, and beating on it with his hands. A policeman appeared, and approached him. "Phwat the divil are yez doin'P' 'he asked. "I wanter get in'" the knocker replied. "Get in phwere?" asked the gentleman in blue. "Why, me own h — h — house, of course, ye fat-head. I know me wife's < upstairs, 'cos I can see the light in the bedroom V

That invigorating and intellectual sport, the tin-kettling of newly-married couples, has been carried on with such tiemendous vim lately that several of the kei osene-tin bugade have faced the magistrate. Still, a little thing like that doesn't materially stem the tempestuous merriment of the people who think it's funny. A young couple up the line were recently married. The young man had been farming for years, and was doing well. One of his great-lv-pnzed possessions is a bull, which he houses at night. The tin-kettlers reckoned with their host, but not with the bull. When the din became too awful for words, the newly-married 1 man stepped round the bull-house, and' released "George m." (imp.) George simply charged the kerosene-tin brigade, and returned to his house with a piece of moleskin on one horn, and' a piece of tin on the other, which was oopsktered fairly conclusive evidence by his owner that he had overtaken the enemy.

11l one of the too uumeious theatncal cases which have been befoie the courts lately, an actor, well-known to all Wellington playgoers, was in the witnessbox. "You are an actor, I believe?" said the severe counsel, well-known as the mofet peisistent hecklei at any kind of a ban-. "I am, sn." "Do you think it is a low calling?" Maybe, but it is not so low as my father's'" "What was your father?" "He was a lawyer !" The report of the case shows that the actoi had, to some extent, missed his vocation. The lawyer was by far the limper of the two by the time Thespis had done with him.

Important despatch from a ©onteanporaiy's oone&pondent in the Far i^a&t — "I landed from a junk at Vostikablei Bay, bid Ta-ta-o to my shipmates, and took train to Nan Shan. On reaching Gi-vit-a-nauie I changed trains for Wan-wis-ki, and at Sa-wen I stayed for a spell. An official said 1 , 'I came to Se-ku,' and together we went to AuntShan, andi saw the spot where the Japs licked the Russians, on which is ereote^ a monument, with the simple but expressive inscription, 'I-h-ku. Very-lik-li' Fetch me a Tom-i-hawk.' " The Tom-i-hawk was> evidently needed by the censor.