Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 222, 1 October 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

HAWKERS around Wellington sell anything from a bootlace to the universal panacea for bioken legs and chinned' hearts. Every day the busy housewife is interrupted in her l'abouis by the approach of one of these often, unfortunate people, who are "down on theii luck." Although thei c are hawking frauds., quite a number of these people are just as honest as the big shopkeeper. But, this is by the way. One man is going round hawking sixpenny editions by famous authors, from Dickens to Fielding and Smollett. He tells us that he called on a lady in the suburbs the other day. She seemed 1 interested, but wouldn't take any of Dickens', or Scott's, or Thackeray's. Tried her with Smollett and Fielding. "No no!" she said, "my husband objects to both of those authors — besides, I've read them all !" * * * Mangonui is a township in the sunny North, beautiful, but dull, and feverish in more ways than one, as the following from the pen of a local resident amply testifies • — "Mangonui township, which for some months past has been veirv much engrossed with the duties, winning Ways, and pleasant society of foui Anckl and nurses, who were engaged in attending the fever cases, now becomes excruciatingly dull again. 'Tis an ill wind that blaws na good ; we don't want the fever, but girls, oh, give us back the girls, and never mind if they want £3 or £5 per week as nurses." * * * The country press has got hold of the fact that over three hundred clerks applied for one poor little billet in Wellington. One of the papers says that the sooner the cuff and collar brigade recognise that there is a better living to be made on stations and farms the better If that paper had mentioned any other kind of country work with th'- exception of both station and farm work, we should have said "Hear, hear!" but the clerk who would willingly throw up a city billet at the lowest possible living wage to take to a life of slavery for a pound a week (what clerk in the estimation of a "cocky" could earn a pound l a week?) and 'tucker," might .-just as well apply for a room atPorirua. Farm and station work is, at the piesent moment, emphatically the worstpaid work in New Zealand.

As is well known, a West Coaster is as ' welcome as the floweis of May" (01 Octobei) at the house of King Diok. Last weeik a well-known young West Coaster attending Wellington College was asked to go to Mr. Seddon's house to help Miss May Seddon entertain "a fnend ;> from the Weo* Coast. He want. When he got there the cupboaid was not baie, although it might easily have been, foi he found a stalwart Coaster, his wife, and twelve olive branches, the eldest of whom was sixteen Mlss May Seddomi, who is in her element on such occasions, was having a very good time indeed, and, as the family were going to Australia by the foui o'clock boat, she had to crowd in all the amusement she could in the limited time at her disposal. * * * The foad' mother as>ked number six or seven to "sing something for the lady," but the child distinctly said, "I won't!" "I'll give you a shilling!" quoth the mother. "I won't'" said the child. "I'll give you an apple'" That fetched him Number one felt her courage rising, and she gave a pianoforte solo without pressure. When the father or mother wished to take PTound to the light or left, they called "Now, children." and they formed up in single files, place for age, and deployed in the indicated' direction. People who saw a single file of sturdy youngsters issuing fi om the Premier's residence felt sorry that a loyal West Coaster should take his little lot out of the country. We aie assured it is a lesson in hea.rtiness to see the wnv these family parties are handled' bv the Premier's daughters • » * Gleam of gladness from the Auckland "Star" — "At Liaoyang the women at a cafe chantant worked on, confident of victory, till the bottle was half through." Wonder what they did with the lemainder? * * * A young Wellington doctoi , who sawed off his first leg last month, and who is small, slight, and ladylike m appearance, tells us this story about himself and laughs heartily at it. It seems he wanted a page boy to answer the telephone* — it looks all right, you see, even if you don't have much use for a telephone. He rang up a registry office down town. The lady asked "Ever been in a situation befoi e p " "No." "What age?" "About sixteen '' 'Very well ; call to-morrow, and I'll fix you up '" The doctor went along next day, in cycle pants, and looked as youthful as his voice had sounded. "Well ?' be queried "About that pageboy?" "Oh, yes," replied the lady, "we .secured you a billet with Mrs M , on the Terrace, and you have to start work in the morning. She will want the boots outside the bedroom doois at half-past 7 every morning." It took some time to convince her he was the doctor.

City Councillois are a queer lot. Councillor Luke moved last week to get a report as to the cost or an extension or the tiamways to Kilbirme, viai Con-stable-stieet. The notice was earned, but a number ot councillor talked about the "futile" expenditure and so on. Opposed it, in fact. The tickets issued to passengeis at the top of Con-stable-street now mention that one may travel fiom Kilbirme to town for 3d. The Council, by chaiging a penny for a part of the section, and making the stranger believe that he will travel a whole section, is obtaining money by false pretences, and the councillors who pi otest against the 'extension are therefore willing to assist in that deception. * * # The caution of a cci tain suburban lesident, who shall be nameless, the other night averted what might possibly have been anothei sensational garrotting case. In the small houis of the morning, the individual in question was leturning from the lodge (perfectly sober) when he observed a suspicious-looking man approaching him with a bludgeon ovet his shoulder. Throwing away the leather case containing his Masonic jewels and apron, he took to his heels, and did 1 not stop till he was safe in. his own bedroom. Naturally, he was relieved at his escape, which was due, he told his wife, to the garrottei being satisfied with the plunder. There is, however, a sequel to the story. Next day, the leather case, which was inscribed with the name of the ownei, was leturned by the local lamp-lighting individual, with the contents intact and the explanation that a gentleman had been observed to diop it the previous night. But the countenance of the lamplighter wore a significant grin. * * * "Y. E. L." to the Lance —A lady with a brown jacket, a sailor hat, and a large kit, is veiy fond of sticking people up, and telling them her tale of woe. A little while ago I saw hei panting heavily aftei a young girl in Willis-street, and the conversation between the two parties was as follows "Good mornm', Mis*,'" from the lady of the kit. The young gn 1 tui ned round in evident snrpuse and returned the salutation with unmistakable apprehension, not unmixed with a slight reservation of manner. "I've been up since 5 o'clock this morning sci übbui' out offices, and I 'aven't 'ad no b'eakfast, and I'm so 'ungry!" (It would' have been nearer the point if she had said she was thirsty.) * * * "Why did you not get something to eat before you came out?" from the gieen young peison. "There wasn't nothin' in the 'ouse to eat, an' I 'aye to be at the top of Newtown by nine o'clock, an' I 'aven't got no money far the tram, so I'll 'aye to walk, an' p'raps when I get there it will be too late '" wailed the tearful lady. An ethereal light of understanding gradually overspread the countenance of the heaier. "Then, pray do not let me detain you , I think you had better hurry on at once'" This was said in such ai decided tone, that the lady of the kit had no alternative, and she took leave of her youthful companion with a countenance expressive of the keenest disappointment

There seems to be a dreadful among some people because gi'eat American firms axe running huge concerns in England. America doesn't got scared when British capitalists leave Britain, and go to America. They say : "Step right ashore, sonny, and give us your dollars. The biggest mining machinery plant in the world is near London, and Yankees lun it, and pay English workers better wages than they ever got before. The biggest boiler-makers have set up in Scotland, having left America for that purpose, and are spending millions in the country. The. greatest electrical Yanks are at Rugby. The scared* people who raise objections to the Yankee invasion don't like the idea of any British coin going out of Britain. They forget that there are about two hundred million pounds' worth of Yamkee heiresses married to our old nobility. * * • There are some smart professional men up the country. No Wellington dentist could have performed the feat, because he would have had 1 to take plastei casts and so on. Solemnly asserted that a young Masterton girl, who required an upper set of artificial teeth, and who wished to get rid of her natural ones, was chloroformed and operated upon at 2 o'clock in the afternoon by a local gum-digger. At halfpast four the same day she was fitted! with her new set., went to a ball the same evening, and received a proposal of marriage. It is assumed, of course, that the dentist married 1 the girl. A propos of the advice tendeied by the local pi ess to tiam passengers who go to Oriental Bay The poles are on the left side, and a person dioppmg off that side, which is the only one open to him, might get smashed up. The opening on. all the cars is, of course, onl yon the left side. There is no right side at the after end. The motorman s always locked in, and he would, if the pre-ss advice were to be taken, have to unlock both the door and the gate foi every passenger. Also, if it became the custom for passengers to flight fi am the front of the car they would stand a first-class chance of getting minced up by the down-car on the other line wheietheie is a double way. The only reasonable method of getting out of a car is at the after end, and the only way to keep the passengers from jumping off and getting themselves killed on the posts, is to give the guards power to stick them up and prevent them from alighting while the car is moving. * * • She certainly was dainty, and she may have been a lunatic, but she didn't look it. She advanced to the counter of the stamp department of the General Post Office, and asked to "see some stamps." The long-suffering youth behind the counter merely asked "Halfpenny, penny, or tup'ny?" 'Show me some of each," she asked. He slammed a sheet of each on the counter, and suppressed a throaty chuckle. She examined them carefully. "I think these match my dress best,' she murmured' lovingly, gazing at the magenta "pennies." "I'll t*ke 'that' one — indicating the central stamn. Keiep it for me till I call will you ?" she sweetly asked 1 as shpi tripped hence. And fourteen Deople and a telegraph boy broke into hoarse peals of laughter.

Wellington College Old Boys are cheerful, company, and at their annual dinnei last Saturday a good many smart things weie said, and! a great deal of enjoyment ciowded into the flying minutes. The toast of "Fond Memories'" stirred up this one in the mind of an old boy — "When I was at college the building was situated where the Terrace School now stands. I never took many prizes — they weie nearly all ta,ken by my friend here on the right. Of course, in those days we were all numbered off. A was number one, and I was numbei fifty-five. "Well, when the end of the year came, A would go up to the gentleman who gave out the prizes, and they would shake hands, and then he would come down again with a big pile of prize-books. Of course, it was all nght for A , but the other chaps didn't think it was 'much chop,' and wo wished A would leave. Well, A left, and we thought it would be all right. But, A 's brother came, and he was number one and I was number fifty-five, and when the end of the year came he would go up to the gentleman who gavei out the prizes, and he'd do the shake-hands business, and come down with a big pile of prize-books." • » • "And, then, theie was Dr. B . B was a funny httle chap then, and he woi c trousers. We all had to wear knickerbockers, and we envied B his trousei>>. It's not his trousers I envy now — it's his shoes." Another "memory" "In those old football days we weien't botheied with the referee and his whistle and we weren't particular about the ball only, but just kicked whatever was in front of us — at least, the man in front of me did." Yet another "old boy" lecounted the deeds of his old master, Mr. Francis, who took Murdoch with the second or third ball fo/ an "0" when playing on the Basin Reseive in 1879 The "old boys" have a great deal of talent, and many excellent vocal items and stories were sung and told on Saturday night. Mi . C J Todd, on a visit to Wellington from Nelson, has been made a special emissaiy by the people of tihat city to wait on the Lance. The Nelsonian, wishes "an undesei ved stigma" on their town to be lemoved. It is not Sleepy Hollow any longer. The Lance understands from Mr. Todd (who was on the reportonal staff of the "New Zealand Times." before he took to the "Nelson' Evening Mail") that Nelson gallops where other cities amble. Nelson has twenty-one hotels, and it makes its own hops. Mr. Todd says facetiously that it is not safe for an unprotected man to be afoot in Nelson aftei nine at night. Garrotters p No. girls l You see, voune Nelson men often work away, and the ernls stay at home. Hence there are not enough men to go round. But, it isn't "Sleepy Hollow" any longer. That appears to be certain. Here's a good btoiy of appreciation and gratitude. A cci tain man had been in constant employment for eighteen months. His employer was a gentle^ man and good to him his work congenial, and his salaiy a good one, promptly ready on pay-day. After a year and a-half the employee got a position in another state at a better salary. He told his employer, who said "I'm glad for your sake, old man." The "old man" said. "I'm not going until next week, so I won't say anything else or good-bye until salary day." Salary day came, the man who was go>ng away pocketed his money, and then said, almost tearfully, to his employer "Well, we've got along well together — never a word ; money always ready to the minute, and pleasant time all round. I'm jolly sorry to leave you. You've been very good' to yours truly. Come on down to the jeweller's." * * * "Oh, I don't — very well, if you wish it, I will." They walked down to a big jewellery store. After staring into the window for some little time, and, whilst the man who had given the other man the fine salary and regular employment was debating what little souvenir he would choose, his companion suddenly pointed his forefinger at a pan of diamond 6tudded gold links, and said "I'll have those." Tableau. * • * Magistrate Haselden's temper, usually fairly good, wassoiely tried the othei day. "Will you allow me to have a say p Will you allow me to speak ?" said a man who was a defendant in a case heard by him the other day, while the clerk and the magistrate were confeiring in a low tone, regarding the charge against him. "Yes," replied Mr. Haselden." "Oh, you will'" exclaimed the man truculently The Magistrate removed his spectacles, surveyed the disrespectful person for a few moments, and raised his voice "If you adopt that insolent tone,' he said, "T will not only not allow you to speak, but I will deal with you in another wav " And tho man with an "Oh-T-don't-own-this-Jiere-court-after-all" expression, subsided.

An M.H.R. tells this stoiy . I have a constituent who is rather a gloomy man. I have known him for yeais, and we are lather ultimate. When up home recemtly I met Mopes. He was looking rather depressed and weighed down with a tiemendous buiden of goods* which he had bought for household purposes — vegetables, and bundles and paicels. He was dead tired, he 6aid. 'I don't wonder at it,' I replied, 'seeing the load you'ie cariying I'm hanged if I'd fetch and cajry for my wife.' Mopes looked at me almost tearfully. 'Pei haps not," he said, 'but, by thunder, you would for mine.' " This is from the Marlborough "Press" — "A case of ignoiance being bliss occurred on Saturday. Among the passengers by the morning train was Captain Trask, in mufti. Anothei passenger, who liked to hear himself speak, and was not very choice in what he said either blurted out, 'Have any of you seen the cartoon in the last Feee Lance? Oh, it was fine. Old Trask, of the Upper House, you know, was a butcher in. Nelson, and the Free Lance has got him to the fife making a whole lot of sausages'' A smile stole over the face of 'Old Trask V son, but he never 'let on.' The joker was evidently puzzled to know why his yarn fell so flat. Perhaps some 1 kind friend enlightened him subsequently. He drew in his horns afterwards at any rate " It is only necessary to add that the person who saw that cartoon has remarkable vision. We'd deadly love to see a oopv of the paper with it in It has completely eluded our observation.

Those French sailors will go away dnd say nasty things about us. The. Protet was stuck up at Auckland with a barrier ot red tape. On its lemoval, the authorities hastened to bend the knee with moie humility than dignity, and "shouted" for the crew right and left. Told the sailors that if they went to Rotorua a geyser would be soaped for them. They went. The bosun piped all hands for geyser xeview, and a ware from, somewhere or other came to say the geyser mustn't be soaped that day. So, with a few wellchosen execrations, tahe Frenchmen went back to Auckland delighted with the couitesv of the authorities. * * « A correspondent calls our attention to the fact that a man at Gusborne was sent to gaol for seven days for using obscene language before his own children, and remarks that it would take a good big gaol to hold all the Wellington fathers who so offend. He says "Good on Gisborne !" Last week the Lance commented on the Gisborne case by pointing out that a man who had used vile language in a school-eround in play-hour was released' because "a schoolground was not a public place " As all New Zealand laws are framed for the moral uplifting of the people, and 1 especially devised for the protection of innocent childhood, it is clear that children are not contaminated 1 by bad language if there are several hundreds of them •within "hearing, but language hurled at one, two, three, or half-a-dozen is worthy of seven days' "hard." The logio of -bhese legal conclusions is looser than an old *bue window in a gale of wind.

Even in this extra-enlightened country some "fanning" methods aie crude. Foi instance, it ife reported that an upoountry calf got a piece of turnip in its throat the other day. The farmei didn't push it down with a fork-handle, or grope for it with a grappling-iron, 01 eink for it with a harrow-tine. No ' He simply held a mallet on one side of the calf's neck, and hit the other side with a hammer. It smashed the turnip, and made veal of the calf. • ♦ • Remember another up-to-date method. Valuable horse toppled unto a ditch. Couldn't get out. Owner in despair. Came along a man with a ploughing team. "Here, I'll show you

how to get him out!" Took a tracecha,iin, and passed it round the bogged prad's neok, hooked it to the swingle-bar of his team, and fetood them up. He pulled the hoise out all right, but a horse isn't much good with a broken neck. To keep bulls from hurting themselves by getting through barbedwire fences, a rather 'cute idea, according to a farmer who adopted it, is to bore a hole thi ough the bull's nose with a hot iron, and thread a six-inch length of the barbed-wire through, giving it a twist to keep it there. Mr. Seed hasn't seen this device used, but the Lance has. Bulls so treated haven't time to think of fence-breaking. They are concerned with their own petty ailments.