Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 221, 24 September 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

THIS stoiy comes from another pa it of the colony, and it is true A certain Anglican clergyman, a man of piety, but also of considerable simplicity of character, grot married some time ago to the daughter of the Arohdeacon foi the district. Unfoitunately the lady died a few months after, and the reverend' gentleman was, of couise, \ cry much out up. At his first sermon after hei bunal a large number of hei relatives and of his sympathisers weie piesent to see how he would bear up under the strain. * * * Imagine then feelings when th° well-meaning but unusually candid cleric suddenly buist out with ' 'Tis tiue, dear fnend>, that the Lord has taken away from me my darling wife, but, praise be to His holy name, 'I know that He will soon send me anothei''" Subsequent events prove thepaison to have been a prophet. * * * They have a particularly trustful of dealing with the abongines in Australia. For instance. A bad blackfellow, who hit his gin on the head with a waddy, the other day, was convicted, and sent to gaol for fifteen years. Aftei he had been m gaol a fortnight, the authorities, hard up for a black-tra,ckei to run down a oummal who had taken to the bush, put on the murderer to do the job. Since which he hasn't done any moie gaol, to the chagrin of the police. Ungrateful beggar l » * * Dear Lance. — I read with much interest your iemarks, in a recent issue, dealing with a lectui c bv the Bishop of Wellington on the University of Cambridge. You refer to his Lordship as the only person in New Zealand who is a fellow of that University. This is an error that jars on the ears of a Cambridge man There are no fellows of the University, although there are a number of fellows of each of the constituent colleges. D'- Wallis was formerly a Fellow of Caius Colleee. On looking through the calendar, I find that the only nerson in New Zealand who is now a feTW of n Cambridge college is an old New Zealand "boy"— Prof. MR^liurin — who is stil l a fellow of St John's —Yours, etc , CantabeiGIENSIS.

The only thing they needed to complete the social appearance of the oooii t during the hearing of the "hockey trial" on Thursday was afternoon tea. We looked in, amd felt quite giddy. I>r. McArthur positively beamed. The lawyers turned: up their moiustaches, smoothed their hair, and 1 used then choicest English. The whole court smiled. Why this general gladness? Well, the hockey girls were in gieat force, and it behoved the male portion of the crowd at least to be as charming as possible. The whole hearinc was one delightful smile. We didn't stay long enough for the afternoon tea, but we feel that it would have been a giave eiroi to foiget this essential She was coming to Wellington to take up a position of trust in. the kitchen oi a city woman. She had foui trunks,, and, as she had no man to look after her things, she addressed them herself. She is heie, but only one trunk has arrived. She has been to the lailway offices about it. 'Did you address all the trunks similarly?" asked the clerk. "Yes. That is, I \\ iote the name and addiess on one, and 'Ditto' on the others." She neither understands the leason for the cleik's lude laughter or the absence of hei three trunks. * * # The policeman alleged that he found the prisoner on his knees in front of a coi set advertisement, rapturously wafting kisses flom a giuny hajid to the lust-proof goddess. When he tried to kindly lead him away, the man had smote him on the fourth button, and pi ote^ted that he'd only been engaged for ten minutes, and he wasn't going to bo tom away from his gii 1 like that. But the policeman got an aim-hold on to him, and brought him to justice "You are charged with being intoxicated and with resisting the policeman in the execution of his duty. What have yoa to say?" •* * *- Well, aill he had to say was that he came fiom the bush to have some teetli drawn, and that he'd taken gas, and he supported it had got into his head. ' O^en your mouth '" said his Worship. But the man searched in his pocket for the teeth. He withdiew an alleged handkerchief a piece of dried flax, a "dog" of tobacco, half-a-pipe, a few nails., and things like that, together with the thiee teeth alleged to have been taken out of his jaw. "You must hove Miffered, " said his Worship, as he took the "exhibits," for the molars were a couple of inches long each, and one ruid n-half inches round A horse had snpnKed them It eventually transpired that fl->e man had never touched drink in hi« life. Was, in fact, a prohibitionist of the deepest dye He had fone "off" ns a result of excessive cold wntei feivour. Remanded for medical ex°mination.

Mi-. Mai tin Beck, otheiwise Marty," and sometimes "Mat," won't need to won- whethei the "Post" comes out 01 s.tav^ in for the next three months. He's "off to Philadelphia" or somewhere m that vicinity, to gather force foi a fuithei wrestle with his billet. "Mat" Las been publishei of the "Post" for about seven years, having leplaoed Mr. Ttobert Bannister in that position, Robert stepping up some 1 ungs in the meantime. Away back m the muiky past, when the "Evening Press supplied pabulum for the mental works of PoJieke "Marty" was "picking up stamps" for that daily. Then, he relinquished the stick, and took to publishing the paper. When the "Press" breathed its last " Mat' went along to the "Post," and has assisted m its daily birth ever since. His wife is at present in America, whither he goes to bring her home. * ♦ * An mteiesting item foi amateur fishermen. A little chap who attends Sunday-school, though diligent and attentive, got mixed the other day over the personality of biblical characters When asked, "Who was Ananias?' there was however, unconscious humour in his reply. "Please, sir, he was a man that used to go fishing." A friend wants Maik Twain's works to be made echoolbooks in New Zealand schools, because "Health" says we don't laugh enough, and ought to. In fact, "Health" thinks that if we roared ajt everything we should be so healthy that the pill people would give up business in despair. Now, the average man or child doesn't laugh at Mark Twain. He sniggers silently. The average man goes' to a vaudeville show, and waits with bulging eyes for a ridiculous person to say " 'Aye one yerself," or something equally brilliant, and laughs as if possessed * * * A humorous writer will cause grins. To really get the average man to laugh as if he meant it, you've got to tell him a doubtful story, or a story about which there is no doubt at all. Women don't laugh at things men laugh at, because of the element of doubt. This is why the men think they have no sense of fun. To read Mark Twain to schoolboys would be an insult to the' humourist, for the children wouldn't laugh. Take this, for instanlce. It is typically Twain. The English are mentioned in the Bible — "for the meek shall inherit the earth." That's humour, but only one boy in thirty would laugh at it, and the rest would look up the Bible to find the chapter. You can't make people laugh with literature. You only make them grin. People don't often even grin at humour. It takes absurdity to shift them. That's why musical comedy was devised.

A propos of the allegation by the Japs that the Russians aie using dumdum bullets, it is interesting to recall the fact that, during the Boer bother, Britain had millions of rounds of it in Africa, and that it was served out evidently by mistake. The mistake wasn't appieciated by anyone who got hit with a dum-dum. It was withdrawn with gieat vigour when the enemy captured a great deal of it, and used it. But men of all nationalities are a bit savage when war is waging. Both sides, having no hollow-nosed ammunition, went in foi a home-made supply. The ordinary .303 or Mauser bullet is conical and nickelled. Rasping the nickel off the nose of the bullet with a stone or a file, the result is a very creditable expanding bullet, and lots of wounds that didn't heal were got that way. We wonder if the Indian troops used dum-dumson the Thibetans, for the dum-dum is essentially Hindoo, getting its name from Dum-Dum, a garrison in India. There are apparently too many clerks both in Australia and New Zealand. Australia hasn't got billets for its clerks and so they come to New Zealand. About half the 1 clerks are the sons of men who never wore a collar, and who want something genteel for their boys to do. The clerk market is glutted mainly because* of the fatal love for a clean colLn . Cleiks don't need as much intelligence as artisans, but they are superior clay, make no mistake. Most clerking is more 1 mechanical than carpentering or blacksmithing, but cleiks don't, as a rule, tear their collars out by the roots when the slump comes, and take to bushwhack'ng. They are soft in the hands, and they might blis<ter. Clerks will play football, and u^e up about thirteen tons of energy in two hours, but to use up five tons at the. end of a pick wouldi be common. * * * It isn't exactly the fault of the* colonial boys. It is the silly pride of their hard-woi king fathers, who want to make "gentlemen" of them. You know that an advertisement for a clerk in to-night's paper would bring you hundreds of applications in the morning, and that as you have so many to choosei from, and theie is no statutory wage, you can pay the very best man th^ very worst price. But, if you were to call for a hundred bricklayers to-morrow you couldn't get them. Bricklaying isn't "genteel," and, besides, it ha.s the additional disadvantage of beinp worth about 14s or 16s a day to the person who does it. The tremend08-. number of billetless clerks about emphaisises the necessity of technical instruction Perhaps, if stranded clerks could use a saw and hammer, some of them might, in times of stress, be persuaded to doff the collar and cuffs and grab the nail-pocket.

The keeper of a certain accommodation house in. the King UouJitiy is enjoying a great laugh over the police and the magistrate, and eveiybody elt>e who bears the least resemblance to a minion of the law. The person in question has long been suspected ot running a gambling saloon, and the police have made many attempts to land him. One constable, according to his own stoiy, thought he had a soft thing on the other day. He watched the house, and, posting himself at the window, he avers that he witnessed an exciting game of eardfe for money * * c He remained standing theie in the biting weather for some consideiable fcim'e before making his spring, and ultimately shoved in the door and 1 ashed for the table. But when he got there he was unable to pi event the hasty pocketing of the coins spiead out before each party. However, he ran them all in. Also, because the look-up was too small to hold six natives and a white colonial of foieign extraction, he allowed them to be bailed out, taking all the money found in their pockets as security. When the case came before the S.M., the constable found himself in a dilemma. Only one of the accused could speak English, and, theie being no other interpreter available, this person was sworn in for the puipose Them, all the prisoners elected to give evidence, and every one denied the charge. As the policeman had no evidence to corroborate his veision of the affair, the bottom fell out of the case Next time he says, he will hunt in couples. *' * * Will someone kindly hold us, and mop our fevered brow with a wet sponge while we gum this to the shrinking paper. Heavens, how it haunts us! Out fiom its hallowed bed, in the fai North to grace the pages of the I ANCE Paderewski ! Paderewski ! How I long to hear thee play, Hear such soul-inspiring music, As only thee they say, can play. Ah I In fancy I hear the music, As it floats on the midnight an , Claiming all your audience, And miserable are those left out in despair. Paderewski ' Paderewski ! What supieme power is this That hast endow' d thee with such a gift. To make this heavenly music here exist ? Food for the heait, the soul — God's gift. We've been wondeiing ever since we read it whethei a certain member of Parliament will exclaim "That's me." * * * A propos of the incivility of guaids on the tram-cais, sometimes the boot is veiy decidedly on the other foot. Recently, a child with veiy dirty boots was making a mat of the seat-covetrings, and the guaid veiy propeily and politely protected to the mother. That lady was intensely indignant, and wanted to know, "Who aie you, I should like to know ?" and "What right," etc., etc. Guards who are tieated like dogs will probably bai k, and no one will blame them. Theie is leason in all things. * * * ISverything in Taianaki is flavoured with milk. In a case of alleged ciuelty to a child, one of the witnesses was a lady who was engaged in the gentle art of milk-persuadins; She lennarked to the bench "that she wasi sorry she had not brought hei 'milking attire' in for the Court to inspect. If you saw me when milking," the lady said, "you would see about three or four yards of ankle, a bae apron, and • — ■ — " The Bench asked another question. That lady should certain! v travel. She has a fortune in her ankles. * * * "The fire js over m Thorndon !" was the sage, if somewhat unnecessary, remaik of a stray genius, who was wandering about Te Aro undei the influence of Mc-Somebody's Scotch on the night of the oil fire. It was only after long and concentrated thought that he had come ,to this conclusion, and he was so proud of his exploit that he labelled it a theory, in true philosophical style. "I formed a theory about it," said he, as soon as someone confirmed the correctness of his reasoning. "My Theory and How I Thought It Out" was the subject of conversation at a payingguest establishment next morning. Up till then the poet of the place had been kept reasonably under control, but, at this irresistible provocation, he started off, impatient of all restraint, into the following rapturous lines — The Theoretical Man He could theoiise on anything from earthquakes up to suns, He could theorise on ladies, politicians, wars, and guns He could theorise on anything philosophy requiies But the greatest of his efforts was the theory of fires!

What it means, goodness alone knows. It is fiom a. Waikato paper — The Rev. H. Hawkins on the que&tion of white versus brown .—''l. — ''I am not a bettei mam, but I will wager anything that ll you take 100 Maoris and 100 whites you will find more mortality and honesty amongst the foimer than the latter." * * * The Lance is very pleased to see that some seed it dropped by the wayside has sprouted a little, and shows signs of growing. We have persistently advocated that the laboui of the man who goes to gaol and leaves his wife and children to look out for themselves should be of a repioductive kind, the proceeds of which should be paid to those he is nominally supposed to support. The Wellington Benevolent Trustees has evidently caught on to the idea, for, at Tuesday's meeting, a trustee said a husband who was in goal was doing 8s worth of work a day foi the Government, and that the Government should pay the wife, who appeared before the Trustees, half. Commonsense. » • • We also pointed out that the gaolbird was amply fed. The Trustee advised the woman to go to the gaol authorities, and ask for half of the husband's rations We are rather afraid that a man on half-rations wouldn't earn 8s a day, but if his work was assessed at its fair value, and part of the money paid to the wife and children, there is no doubt that all right-thinking folks would hail the scheme 1 with satisfaction.

Plague precautions ! Ships from Australia making fast to Wellington whai yes are fOlf 01 oed 1 to have tin discs on the shore lines, so that the bubonic rodent coming down tihem is nrevented from coming ashore. It is a 'oute precaution. But, in most castes, the wharf is nearer to the rat than the disc, and the pieeaution is quite wasted. Skippers evidently look upon the business as pure farce. , * * A man, who would be angry if you told him he couldn't shoot, advertises his pot-hunting geai for sale. What he 1 equities to hit the supposed enemy with is enumerated in the ad — "Guncase, steel cleaning rod!s and brushes, kit-bag, stocked with vernier, vmtometer, reflector and orthoptics, spot definer, brushes and paints, and 1 80 to 90 rounds of ammunition." Curiously, an easy chair and a shoulder-pad are not included. A light porter and a wheelbarrow should be supplied to pot-hunt-ers.

Fame! A new potato of unusual 10tundity, and fine quality, remaikable for its "eyes" and beautiful oontoui, has been called the "Richaicl Seddon." It has been gio\Mi under glass. A hothouse plaint, in fact — a ventable oichid *■ * » Have you noticed the little knots of inteiested loungeis who congregate around the tramway-construotion gangs on, the Qua\ and tell each othei how the thing should be done 1 ? Also, have you noticed that the bolts to join the rails up are first made white hot, and then securely hammeied into place ? Two loungeis were standing discussing the; situation duung Thursday lunchhoui. "That's an old-fashioned idea," saiid one. "Now , in Sydney they don't use no bolts'" He looked round for a bolt to illustrate himself. "Now , heie's one," he said, picking up an in-nocent-looking chunk of iron. He didn't illustrate anything, except the remarkable l.ipiditv with which a vei v hot piece* of iron may be dropped. The "illustration" was a bolt with a flaw in it that had half-a-minute before been red hot. And the gang only grinned.

Theie u&ed to be a Maon oamp on the Hokitika river, but it isn't there now. The twenty-five wamois, wahiiiieo, and piccaninnies have "up-stick" and cleaned out. It seems that they weie feitting iound their evening shark the other week when a wierd something beai ing great antlers and a snout like a portmanteau scuttled past in, the gloaming, with fiery eyes and an awful roar. One second later the camp was abandoned, and those Maoris for the next week lived in town, and strove to drown the thoughts of "Tadpo" in waipno A party of excessively bold pakehasi went out, and camped) on the site left by the Maoris. The taipo wmc along all light, with the antlers and the portmanteau. It was one of the moos© w ith which the Government intend devastating the pastoral regions of this great country, so that Johnnies with monocles may have sport that rightly belongs to America. Foolishest thing I ever see, At home or anywhere. — A rooster standun' on one laig When he hez got a paii .