Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 217, 27 August 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

TALES concerning the incivihtjes of train conductors are in ordei Hei c is a conti lbution A conductor, swollen out with the glitter of a new brass-bound uiufoim, performed a Sandow act upon a would-be passengex. Again the 'faae" climbed upon the step prepaitory to going aloft, where theie was room foi him, and otnce more he got what Amei Icans call "the grand bounce." When the twice-rejected man gathered himsedf off the wood-blocking, the car was on the move. He ran, got his feet on the step, launched 1 out his "light," and gave that conductor a beautiful retait discourteous "fair on the jaw." And then the rejected "fare" dropped off the car with an angelic smile on his countenance, and the crowd gunned from Trinity Church to the wood and coal yard! • * * It is not often that a lawyer is 'iidiscreet enough to give an indication vo a court that his family relations are net of the happiest. Magistrate Kettle, the other day, speaking on a family matter before him ,said that some wives had to put up with a great, deal from their husbands. Learned counsel, feeling his bump of benevolence, r_etorted hotly • "And some men have a lot to put^ up with from their wives. I myself am ai married man." It is evidently not always the lawyer who is senior wrangler of a matrimonial partnership. • ♦ • She's going to tiy reporting, And editors will find The lady in the business Exactly to their mind. The latest bit of scandal They'll know at once, foi — well, She heard it as "a secret," And promised not to tell. • » * A propos of allegations of incivility against tram-guards, one of the main causes is the use by passengers of the bells which are provided only for the guards' use. If the Council want to run the service for the people, and not for the large body of young men who have learnt their manneis m the tramcars of Sydney, they should post notices in the cars that the bells are saoi ed to the gentlemen in the brass-bound caps. Also, a notice to the effect that passengers are requested to wipe their feet before entering, and raise their hats to the gentlemen from Sydney. On a recent day, we wished to leave a topdecker car at Constable-street, and hurried down. The gentleman at the bottom remarked, with a raucous shout "Neow then, look shaip, you ye been a h of a time coming down'" We humbly apologise, although we had no time to say so then. [Since writine which, notices have been posted and much improvement effected.]

A story is going the lounds of South Canterbuiy, which proves that appearances are not everything when buying a horse. It seems that, while the South African war was 1 aging, and contingents were being sent from this colony to the front, the Government horsebuyers called at Geraldme to inspect a few 'crocks" offeied as le-mounts. At that time Slow Tom, who has just won the latest Grand National Steeplechase, wa,s owned by Miss Button, the wellknown lady ridei , and was being worked for a few days in one of Messrs. R Scott and Co.'s coaches, which iuh between Geraldine and Orari. * * * While Slow Tom was in charge of Mr. Soott, the Government's expert buycus came along, and the horse- was submitted to them for consideration. After hui 1 ledly looking the animal over, they shook their heads, and at once placed the future steeplechaser amongst the 1 ejects as "unsound." The local Jeihu, who well knew the capabilities of the horse, exclaimed "If you reject h m it's not much good showing you am more." * * » Story about an ardent prohibitionist J P Piobably a. device of the enemy, but good enough to let loose on a long-suffering public. A man wa^ charged with stealing two ovei coats and a hat fi om the porch of a Wesleyan clmich, and the J.P., believine: he had a bad lecord, was endeavouring to get his past history. I seem to know your face '" he said. "Where have I seem it ?" "Well, I don't know wheie you've seen me face, ver Worshup, but I knows where I've seen yours'" "Yes? where p " "Well, I used to be barman in the Pie and Whistle. You used 1 to come in at the side door after hours to git a bit of a nobbier when you was eroin' home from the prayer meetin' Six months without the option. * * -h A long memory is a helpful servant sometimes. Foi instance, a young man with a "down East" Yankee accent that was thickei than molasses in a blizzard, called on a Wellington grocei the other day, and opmiated that he was right from Chicawgo, and he was running the new patent medicine that would restore to the wan cheek of the city hustler the i osebud bloom of health. "You come from Chicago p " asked the giocer. "I dew, sirree the finest 10-ca-tion on this sublunarial speer. "Don't know Napier, I suppose. "I do nut know Napier, sir'" he remarked, looking furtively at the gi ocei , and easing off his American accent a wee bit. * * * "Then your name isn't Robinson, and you wei en't born m Hawke's Bay, and you didn't stay with me when I kept a boa 1 ding-house, and you didn't leave me suddenly one bright evening-, and abandon one portmanteau, which contained an old pair of spats and an odd sock?" The Ameiican edged towards the door, but the grocer was* there before ham. Mrs. Grocer arrived on the scene with a photograph. "And this isn't vowi photogiaph, is it?" he asked handing him a picture with a Napier artist's name on it But it was, and the grocer was big and strong, and there were no customers, a.nd a four-year-old bill is being paid now in weekly instalments by a young American from Napiei .

King Edward knows a thing or two. He was in Portugal 1 ecently, and the way from the ship's side to his carriage was laid with led baize. The caipet wasn't long enough, so the authorities had fitted a Portuguese flag in the gap. King Edward saw it, saluted' it, and stepped on one side on to the mere eaith. That's why he is "light bowei" in Portugal at this moment. * *• * Evidence in a iiaJclutha sly-grog case — "The bottle in the coat pocket was there because he took a little whisky sometimes on the sly, without his wife's knowledge. His wife often came to the shop, and if she had seen the bottle she would have put her foot through it. She objected to whisky, but not to beer, because she had been told that whisky wienched the heart." (Laughter.) Counsel "There must be a good many wrenched hearts in this district " (Laughter.) The witness said the coat pocket was a good ' place for concealment. His wife was not cunning enough to find it there. * * * The modern serving maid • — "I am wilhn' to live wid a family of two, At two pounds a month if there's not much to dwo. At cookin' I'm hazy, But at bridge I'm a daisy, And I'll sing in th' parlour phwin dinner is throwo'" * * • They put a new labouier on to a building job near the whaif the other day. He was a well-set-up man, and a good Hibernian to boot, and should have made an excellent brioklayei's und'ei study, but it wa& soon seen that he was a novice at the art of humping bricks up a ladder. Few people realise what is required of the man who performs the humble duty of carrying the bricks and mortar up the ladders, while the man on the top does the work. Fl> nn started up with his first load of bi icks very gamely, but the bally thing wouldn't balance properly, and, moieover, the handle of the hod was terribly in the way, and the ascent, which was so easy at the bottom, was deadly hai d at the 1 top * # • And then, just as luck would have it, the poor man dropped a brick from his burden as he was about to step m to the scaffold. He immediately -raited down again. "What in thunder ! ive you come back ffop"r p " yelled the bosis "Fer the buck," said 1 Flynn. He sta< ted up again, and, after a desperate struggle, succeeded in dropping his load on the landing, so 1 that only two rolled off one of which nearly killed tho boss. Then Flynn went down agai'i. "I'll take the sack," he said. "I'm full of it " "Nonsense, man go on ; you'll do all naht in time," the boss replied "Yes," Flynn answered, "I may be all light now, but I'd never be able to manage it when I was drunk." And lit pulled on his coat

There is one staking phase of the introduction of Austialian football into the colony which does not seem to hare atti acted the attention of our daily papers. That is, the very large number of young Australians who have settled in our colony during recent times. The Lance was struck by this fact whilst watching the ChrnstehurchWellinigton game on Newtown Park last Saturday afternoon. There werte eighteen, men playing for the Cathedral City, and of these only seven were New Zealanders, whilst of the eighteen Wellington players, seventeen were fiom Australia. * * # The New Zealander has not taken very kindly to the Australian game, but, despite this fact, there are four clubs in Wellington, and one at Petone, putting their eighteen men each in the field every Saturday. There are also numerous clubs in other parts of the colony. And, as their players are Australians and are young, it can easily be realised that Young Australia already has some influence in New Zealand's life, and is seeking to influence New Zealand's sport. But, thene is little likelihood of Rugby being deposed by the Victorian game of football. * * * He was a well-dressed man, with a oonfident air, and he told the hottelkeeper that he had got a job to go to m two or three days' time. The landlord, who had had some experience of welldressed men with confident airs, said "No 1" with much emphasis. So the gentleman went into the dining-room, and sat down to a good dinner, and the waitress, having heard from him that it was "all right," didn't trouble him. He was at table again at the evening meal, and 1 came into the hotel at 9.45 p.m. went upstairs to bed, and turned a "casual" out of his room, saying he had hued it. Having breakfasted, he prepared to depart, when the landlord got his eye on to him. The police will feed him for a couple of months or so. * * * A very excellent theatrical touring combination doing good business in the South has a manager now in Wellington who tells a sffcory illustrating the fact that theatrical people generally are not always clay in the hands of the potter In a largje town the manager got a letter from a person who wrote in legal phraseology scaying that if the whole of the company called at the above address they would hear of something greatly to their advantage. Visions of gold crossed their minds, and the whole company (fourteen of theni) rolled up to that office. After some preliminary patter, the writer of that note urged the company to take out policies in the Dead Sure Life Assurance Company, for which he was agent! A tragedy was only averted by t v ie action of the manager, who threw himself on the muscular form of the leading man, and bore him struggling from the office.

Piofessor Maolaurm, colonial ajialyst, has stated that the majority ot necessities of life we are in the habit of using are adulterated. We suppose he knows. Five out of six samples of milk were not all milk. We remember a laiige sample of morning glory that was evidently not all milk. A new inspector, who was a terror to evil-doers, mainly because he wanted to keep his billet, had been making things very warm for adulterating milkmen. A celebrated character, who- vended the fluid, was one morning serving his customers. His cart, containing a large quantity of his stock-in- trade, stood outside a house, and a boy stood by it. » * * When the milkman came out of the gate, the boy nemaiked "Ere's the milkrinspectoi coming, Mick , you'd better get a wriggle on 1" 'Anrah, thin, I'll show him who's who'" With that, Mick tipped the whole of his supply into the guttei "AnraeaJyse that, ye rampaging omadhaun, and hie hanged to yez'" he shouted, as the "inspector" strolled by. The "inspector" wa.s a mci c clei k going to his work. The boy — 0, whoie was he? * * * A RURAL LACONIC. A glazing bull, A meadow full Of buttercup*, and clover. A city wight, With blazer bright, The fenceway getting ovei . A stamp ' A snort ' A yelp ' A sort Of detonating bellow , An up w aid flight, A downward light, A silent city fellow . A jury then Of oountiymen, The local death-appraiser , The 'quest proceeds, The verdict read& "He wore a ruddy blazei." * * * Wellington, learning by bittiei expenence, is now fairly well provided with fire-escapes,. Some of them would be extremely useful to an athletic man of acrobatic tendencies if occasion demanded their use. Having eiected these new fire-escapes, the owners nevei think of testing then utility. They wait for the occasion. We would suggest that the fire-escapes in big buildings wheie a great many work-people are employed should be used say once a month. We're very anxious to see an average milliner come down hand-over-hand a perpendicular ladder. Also, a fat manager emei ging ft om a window ready to grasp the red-hot hand-iail that shall lead him to freedom. We make bold 1 to say that three-fourths of the folding fiie-escapes one sees suspended from windows would refuse io unfold if liberated. They are merely farcical appendages A sensational episode occuried in Ma^terton a tew day& since. A person, was observed to be effecting an entrance into the mayor's ofhce by means of a stumping jack — wan anted to shift twenty tons. The door gave way, and thje man entered. The citizens, who intended appi opriating the house-breaker, were a bit disappointed to find that the burglar was his Woiship, who had left his key at home. Seems to us Masterton office doors, are of a tougher variety than those of the Empire City * * * A new kind of hero has come to light ax, a seaside resort in Australia. There was a big crowd at a small pier waiting for a Melbourne steamer to come in, and some larking and horseplay resulted. Suddenly, a stout, well-dressed, middleaged! man. was jostled into the water. He came to the surface, beating the sea wildly, and opening his mouth to give expression to his agitation, but the brine flowed in, and prevented it. Then, the hero sprang after him. He was a smart-looking young fellow, with a cuiline dark moustache, and a flashing eye. Tine hero and the drowning man clutched, and went down together. They came up under the pier, and the subsequent proceedings were not visible to the crowd, but about two minutes later the young man swam into view, towing the inanimate body of the portly stranger He swam to the steps, and the two were helped to the pier amidst enthusiastic cheers from the crowd. * • • The young man said that the othei would come round presently, and modestly declined to stay- He said he hated to be bothered with thanks and gratitude for a, little thing like that, and left hurriedly. The corpulent one recovered consciousness in a little time, but his great gratitude was tempei ed by the fact thait his- rescuer had nearly knooked his head l off against a pier pile and' a few other trifling eircumstance-s. He had lost a £60 gold watdh and chain and £15 in. cash, besides a diamond ring and two diamond studs, while he was in the waiter. Furthermore, he was convinced the dark younig man had pushed him in, and had robbed him tinder the pretence of making a rescue The dark young man is believed to be on hisi way to New Zealand.

Dear Lance — Re that official who developed spnnting powers and lack of heioism when the bricks didn't come through the skylight, and the female portion of the staff became hysterical because they hadn't a man to hang on to same as the two girls mentioned in your quake par. of last week. He leckons the Lance Sandow wouldn't have taken any risks if he had known the weight of some of the staff of gentle typistes. It wouldn't have done, on such an occasion, to soirt out the prettiest and lightest, of them, and to have left the lest to their fate, hence the speedy exit of the said official, who still lives to tell the joke against himself. — Kiwi. » • • Dear Lance. — The time was one minute to ten p.m., and I was strolling up and down in front of the Government Buildings, awaiting the arrival of the good, old-fashioned horse-car, when I heard a furious rustling of silken skirts bhind me. I turned, and beheld a lady hastening towards Thoindon Quay with the speed of an electric car coming down Adelaide-road "Late for the train" was my mental conjecture, but in this I was mistaken for, at the first stroke of ten, she turned aside and walked into the place where Host McParland stores the single bottles of "lemonade"' Ten o'clock's too early for somie people. — Violet

A good story is being told in a town not 100 miles from Palmerston, at the expense of a bank clerk who has resided in this colony for a short period. It appears that this gentleman, who has won his international cap at Home, and who is a strong supporter of the Srvright combination, had been subjected to much "barrack" from his fellow-em-ployees regarding the Britishers' chance of success against our repiesentative fifteen. A heated argument was proceeding on Tuesday when the earthquake occurred, and, in. a most excited voice, this Englishman, who had never experienced the like before, queried, ' What in the mischief is that ?" A chief official, who had taken no part in the discussion whatever, seriously replied : "Nothing ; only the New Zealand forwards going down to Wellington'" Bank business was suspended for some time, it is reported, in order that measures might be used to bring life and power back into the body of the Englishman. • * • A doctor says that persons who attain their thirtieth year without suffering fi om any disease are likely — all things being equal — to live till they are at least seventy-three years of age. No modern girl, on her own showing, has the least chance of reaching seventythree — or thirty, for that matter.

The Wellington City Co lp oration, ton fear passengers may be late, have been good enough to hang a time-table and the tramway by-laws up in the cars Nobody has been seen to lefer to the time-table yet, because veuy few people arc piofessional acrobats. The book is suspended by a chain from the rod on which aie hung the hand-stiaps for standing passengers. To 1 efei to the table, the passenger would have to suspend himself by one hand w hile endeavouiiing to open a wobbling book with the other. * * * A "dissenting" pa. son in one of the suburbs called a meeting of hus eldeis last week, and infoimed them, in a paaned voice, that the woik of his charge was too much foi his vhength, and he feared he would be compelled to lesign. The church members have lecently experienced much difficulty with ministers, and, after putting their heads together in one oorner of the room, the spokesman asked the ministei if he though his strength would increase with a small addition to Ins stipend. The parson, after leflection, thought maybe it would, and, the company broke up with mutual satisfaction. But, the story got round, and it became a standing ioke that for weakness there is no cure like the gold cure. So the minister got a call" fiom another place, and) is "moved" to accept it. The "staff and scrip" injunction is very little honoured now-a-davs. Also, the nrice of flour is up

How these tales about paisons do bob ud, to be sure. A Wellington cleigyman, muoh respected for his manly qualities, has been foi two months taking the pulpit for a Hawke's Bay brother of the cloth. He drives lound liits distuct in a buggy, and the horse is an ordinarily quiet sort of a beast, with no paiticular vices. Curiously enough opposite one of the ohurobes in hi 1 - present district is a livery stable, which is handy foi the horse. After service last Sunday night, the parson went for his ho,rse, and, with the very feeble help of a candle in a bottle, put the horse, m the trap. The old nag was a bit restive, and w hen the parson got up he began to think that that staid animal wa& possessed of the devil. With one lightning plunge the hoi%e took that light buggy down the village stieet at the late of sixteen miles an hour, and only pulled up "dead winded" twemty-tbree miles f1 om the parson's home. It was not until next morning that the owners of the thoroughbred horse Calisthenics oee;an to search around for horse-fchieves, but when they found the paison, leading; a broken-down thoroughbred by a rope, on hns way back, they broke foith into a torrent of jagged horse^Languaep. That thoroughbred had never been ,n harness in his life, and he was- favom te foi a race he didn't run m on the day the parson brought him back. The livery-stable keeper has electnc h^ht on the premises now.