Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume V, Issue 213, 30 July 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

ONE of oui recently-passed Wellington solicitors isn't exactly a Bell 01 a Skenett yet. He had precious little to do for a good many weeks, and he spent a good deal of his tune at lihe club. To his office-boy he said "If a client comes in, keep him until I come back, or ring up the club." The boy acted literally on instructions, foi , when a well-known Wellington ma.ii called in the other day, the boy showed him into young Lex's office, and locked the door on ham ! Then, he 1 ang up the club, amd young Lex sped on the wings of the wind to his office. "What did you look the door for, Charlie?" he asked the lad. "The client is inside, sir!" The "client" was one of our best-known lawyers, who had called in to put the young fellow on to a conveyancing job. He had humour enough in his composition not to get angry, and the boy has typed in his first land transfer title after an idleness of weeks. * • * An artist took his colours, To paint a modern youth, Who thought the world all beauty, And thought all language truth. He got his canvas ready To hold the pleasing scene, Then carefully discarded Each pigment save the green. * » ♦ An item for third standard kiddies. If such an one should be asked by a teacher to define a blush, he will know that it is a temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the physiogomy, netilogised by one's perceptiveness of the sensonum when in a predicament of unequilibrity from a sense of shame, anger, or othei- cause eventuating in a paresis of the vasomotor filament® of the facial capillaries whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they are suffused with a radiance effeminating from am intimidated praecordia. * * * David Oiewe, the Pahiatua auctioneer, so soon to become an M H.R. or to remain an auctioneer, believes in_ combining business with the fierce joy of ante-election campaigning. Thus David- — "I will try and come again, but if I should not be able to address you again, remember I am still Crewe, the auctioneer, and if you don't want to talk politics, come down and do some business with me."

"A Young Man from the Country," on a visit to this city, tells the Lance he has observed one or two things that have stiuck him as peculiar. Attending the meetmg held bv Mr W. W. Collins, on Monday night, he was amused at the interruptions dining the evening. One individual yelled out "Rot'" to a statement of the lecturer. The "Young Man from the Countiy" heard the same ejaculation when the same lectmei was lectuimg at Wanganui leccntly, and he has come to the conclusion that the useis of the word "rot" ai c neu-rot-io individuals. • * • The same "Young Man," etc., walking along the Quay on Wednesday, observed a number of people watohing men iepairing a small steamei . Joining in the crowd, he was pleased to observe the cordial relationship existing between masters and workmen in this city, which is shown by the following inoidenrt — Employer to worker "Here, come and give a hand in shifting this winch '" No move being made by the worker, the request was again repeated, in a higheu tone of voice. There again being no response, the excited employer walked oven to the worker, atnd repeated the order, when he was told to go to subterannean tropics. The master retorted bv consigning the worker to netherdom himself. Then things were sulphurous for a few moments, to the great amusement of the bystanders. When matters cooled down, master and worker walked over to the winch, and gave a hand in removing it. # * # "Just one!" the eagei lover cried, And Clara's heart was sore , "Oh, George'" the blushing maid lephed, "You want but one? No more ? " "Fluting," says an American professor, "tends to develop both soul and intellect, and coquetiy is a training of the abilities needed in serious 1 life." Giddy old rascal' Most gu Is axe evidently veiy intellectual. * * * The countiy cleigyman was impressing on his congregation the villainy of owing money. In his sanctified immunity from the sins of humanity, he demanded that all those people who paad their debts should stand.. Instantly, every man, woman, and child, with one exception, rose quickly to their feet. "Then," said the preacher, after all these nghteous folk had seated themselves again, "let eveiy main not paving his debts stand up." The exception already noted, a careworn, hungiy cadaveious individual, dressed in his last summer's suit, slowly assumed a perpendicular position. "How is it, my friend," asked the pieacher, "that you aip the only man not able to meet his obligations' 3 " "I run a newsipaiper," he meekly replied, "and the biethren he-e who stood up a moment aoco aremv subscribe 1 s, and " "Let us pray," r»"vcl aimed the preacher hastily

Really the ' Post" gets wearisome in its reitei ataon of facts that are indelibly ampimted on the reader's mind. On Saturday, July 16th, it reprinted a paragraph from the "Waimate Witness" about a dairyman refusing £12 10s a head for a herd of cows which had earned him 4s 6d short of £14 each. This was in "Agricultural Affairs'." The same paragraph occurred in "Inte-rpro vmcia.l Items" in the same issue. On the following Saturday the "Post," evidently believing that the average reader wasn't heartily sick of those cows, carefully reprinted the same item We sincerely hope the paragraph will be kept in type for another week or two. We want to lea.m it by heart. * *■ * Another electric-tram point. There are push-button eleetiic bells on the cars. The aveiage passenger believes that these bells, which are placed conveniently for him, are for his use when he wants the cars stopped. We have observed many passengers use these bells, and in all cases the motor-man or guaid has protested, intimating that the guard should be signalled, and the bell not touched. Frankly, we don't know why the bells should exist, if not for use. If they are emergency bells, an intimation that passengers should not touch them except on such occasions!, should 1 be printed above them. Doubtless, the guards have their instructions, and atre respectful enough in protesting, but the authorities certainly ought to intimate to the public that a,n electric bell is not necessarily for ringing. * # * A sitoiy comes from the country touching a lecent tin-canning expedition which, nearly ended in tragedy. It seems that a well- to-do farmer, who had long been looked upon as a confirmed bachelor, suddenly got married to a lady who has only lately come to live in the district. The news soon leaked out, and a sti ong contingent of tin-oanniers mustered at the gate of the new benedict's homestead. Amongst the crowd were several married men, who are members of the Weslevan body. The eveminor was da,ik but the figure of the bridegroom could be seen clothed in an overcoat, as he stood sentry in his yard. The crowd halted, as some remembered that the groom's temper was a bit uncertain at times, but when they were greeted with a "Come in, boys," the foremost visitor pushed ope"i the srate, while tho«e in the rear set up the usual din in expectation of the good things in store. * * # No sooner had the first man entered the gate, than the bridegroom seized him by the throat, and proceeded enthusiastically to roll him in the mud On account of the din behind, it took the crowd some moments before they comprehended the sort of leception awaiting them. When they did, however, it took half-a-dozen strong men to pull off the furious bridegroom — and only just in time, too. Carrying the wounded on to the public road, a hasty council of war decided it was best to go quietly home, and a mournful procession might have been seen wending its way to the lesidence of the victim, who was borne along by relays of his friends. Each member of the party was bound to secrecy, but somehow these stories always come out.

The West Coast again. A churcth anniversary was held at a Hokrtdka betheJ the other Sunday, and, of course, the interior of the edifice was beautifully decorated. In a detailed' report of the decorations, a West Coast paper remarks ■ —"The east end of the church was adorned with harem lilies — emblems of punty." If only the paper would keep a dictionary. *■ * * The, Rev. Wyndham Earee, the Masterton cleric, who successfully sued for divoi cc a while back, and. who is now in England health recruiting, attended a performance in the Victoria Hall of the Hotel Cecil not long since. The remarkable part of the show was the playime, under hypnotic influence, of Madame Nvdia. A dark ohap duly hypnotised her, and blind-folded her, and she would get to work at once, and produce perfect music. Among the music she perfectly produced was a piece written by Mr. Earee which is mainly the reason of this inkshed. ♦ • • A country paper says — "Owing to the crowded state of our columns a numbei of births are postponed till next issue " If that paper continues its interfering cou/ree, Mr. Seddon will probably be sending a memorandum to it. * * * A bogus gas-man has been doing th© country districts with varying success. He has been calling about that little bill, you know, and several housewives have "fallen in" and parted with, their hard-earned cash only to be suirprised later to get a visit from the duly aiuthonsed and genuine collector. This has led a J.P. in Marlborough into trouble. At 8.30 one recent morning the tinkle of the door-bell brought him to it There was a serious, businessu like stranger on the mat, making entries in a book. "I am the collector from the gasworks. I have called " Then, he didn't quite know what was happening, for the J.P., who had been brought up m a hard school, "took to him" with such vim that the "bogus" gentleman rapidly drew off his forces, and sought refuge in flight. Then, the irate citizen went to the gas office, and reported the whole affair, and how he had 'taken it out of th© hide" of the fraud. The clerk listened attentively, and then broke into a large laugh. He went to the door. "Mr. Binks '" he called. Mr. Binks came in. It was the gas-collector in a very groggy condition. When the J.P. found out that he was the "sure-enough" representative of the company, and no fraud!, he talked tinkling gold, and all that soit of thing, but the case of assault against a well-known citizen is to be heard on Thursday. • * * The humorous country larrikin has a new and exquisitely funny way of showing his wit. Many country residents complain that bullets are frequently fired through the walls of their houses, accompanied by heavy artillery in the shape of stone-throwing on the roofs. Which reminds us that, despite the fact that the police have been universally urged to call in all the peaHfles in New Zealand, ux> to now the boy fiend is more fiendish than. ever.

A scribe in. Melbourne "Punch" has accepted the taradiddle that King Dick is to be the future High Commissioner for New Zealand at Home. Thus the scribe • —"If he settles himself in the Old! Country, it may piesently happen that he will want to run England on his own, in which case naturally the piesent runners will have to be content with second places. Digger Dick is a big man with big ideas, and, although people laugh at his so-called bombast, from a distance, it is noted that he generally pulls off the thing he undertakes. If Sedd'on becomes Maoniand s High Commissionei , it is certain the Commonwealth will not be able to put his equal into the field." * * * The passion a great many colonial people have for "smart" funerals for then- relatives is a growing tendency that should be checked. A Southern bankrupt last week was examined, when it was found that, of a total liability of £35 10s £25 wasi for the funeral of his late wife How long had she been dead? Nine months. How long since he had married "his second wife? Four months That £2^ looks to us like a thank-offering. The bankrupt will probably keep number ones memory green with atrocious "poems —3s an inch— in the daily press. * * * The Lance was the fust and only paper m New Zealand to make the suggestion contained in the following — "Why are not the wife and children of a defaulting father a charge on the labour 0 the gaol-bird? Why doesn't the State insist on putting this class ot person to reproductive labour, out or winch his helpless wife and children may be supported No' It says, 'You are a loafer, you won't support your wile and family, therefore we'll give you a nice, quiet, comfortable spell and food, and punish youi wife by letting her starve.' It isn't locical. It is cruel. * •* * Therefore, we are very glad indeed to notice that the following resolution was put and earned at the Charitable Aid Conference in Wellington last week — "That the attention of the Government be drawn to the increasing number ot absconding husbands, and that the Act be amended 1 in the direction of committing absconders to do such work as will relieve the Charitable Aid Boards from the cost of providing for their wives and children."^ # * Presence of mind' There was a "smoker" at a local hall one day last week, and the wine flowed f.eely. At the close, there was a rush for the cloak-room and the resultant struggle. One young man, who was on the committee in talrin* his coat down,inadvertentlv gabbed it bv the skirts JnI+La of the collar. Whereupon, a tat X* bottle slid forth, and br^e -on the floor. "There now he said lye been and lost mv oou^h-nnxture' It S have been coucrh-mixtuie, but a fr id azures us the smell matched the label which was of Scotch on<nn. * * * The following advertisement from the lost his umbiella in my garden lariat brella on his paying expenses. Some lines from a recent court case, ia which the cross-examined witness seemed to have scored a bit. Said prfunsel • ' Did you ever do any nghiting ia ytur life?" 7 "Never," replied the witness "Never m your life? persisted the counsel, and witness said, "No sir I can run." The examination' continued-"Ah, you have got some wit?" "Yes I was to be educated ton 1 barnste, ."/ "And you struck^something more honourable?" That is conect, an." After that, counsel devoted his attention to the plain l facts ot the case, and the bioad smiles that had spread ovct the faces of iui oi s and those listening slowly disappeared * * * It has struck an enterprising Methodist paison in Chnstchureh that the churches aie behind the time*. They don't advertise enough. When they set a star attraction they put an inch notice in the "Religious Service column, while the circus next door is plastering the town with posters, littering the pavement with hand-bills, and buying columns of prominent space in the newspapers. Consequently, the public ignores the churches, and goes to toe circus in large numbers. The Rev. H. R Dewsbury rises to demand that the churches should advertise. Whenever the churches announce that a professional singer will perform at the service when there is a church parade, a band to help the organ, or an imported paison who "shakes things up," them do the people flock together, and the collec-tion-has: waxes exceeding plethoric. An illustrated poster, on a board outside the church would help things alone nl^o, a gentleman on the step to call, "Now. then ladies and srentlemen. abp.oluite.lv only two seats left. No one silked to oivp more than threepence. Roll up' Roll up'"

An ex-New Zealand friend in Pietoiia wi itcs that next month thei c is to be an exodus of a veiy large number of people from the Transvaal. Most of them are bound foi Canada and New Zealand. * * * Although whales disport in Wellington Haibour the leviathans don't get cast ashore as they sometimes do in Dunedin. A month ago one of them drifted on to the Ooean Beach, and stayed there. Seems it stranded on somebody's property, and that the owner of the property leckoned it was his, and didn't belong to the man who found it Anyhow, while its offence was rank and "smelled to heaven," the people kept dear of it, and it had a good - sized 1 area of counti y to itself. Then, an auctioneer went down — the owner of the land having won the case — and soldi it. A publican bought it for eiighteenpen.ee, and, seeing the hungry look of the man who found it, he generously handed it over — metaphorically. * * *■ The man had stern orders from the health authorities to carry it away. but one poor, weak working man can't oa,nry much whale ait a time, and. as far arc we know, the giant sea animal is still masster of the situation. A dead horse last week washed ashore at the sain© spot, and there is no rush of claimants. Seems that the owner of the land has a "soft thing on" — and the horse "for keeps."

A party of Wellington heioes have been doing the sloppy South in a motoroar. The fact that they chose winter foi it argues that their mental equipment isn't exactly the sort of thing one would want to pay a high price for. One of the party, on his return last week, was interviewed by the Lance. He rofused to give any detailed account of the tour, but he said their sufferings were appalling. For two days food and water failed them, and the road became s>o rough that at times theix touroar, staunch and powerful though it was, could not keep ahead of its smell. They had all faced death before but never a dtea/th like that. * * * A country landlady is suing a defaulting boarder for a week's board. He had stayed in the house for three weeks, but circumstances arose whioh made it uncomfortable for him to stay longer. He avers that he was enjoying his beauty sleep early one morning when the landlady puslhed into his dormitory, and' forcibly withdrew tihe mattrass. She explained that a traveller on horseback had arrived, and she wanted a feed of chaff for the neddy. * * * Overheard at Dixs • — "Better take off your hat, Sarah ; all the other women folks has theirs off'" Country lady: "Let them, the brazen things! Nobody'll ever have a chance to say that I'd do anything in a show-place that I wouldn't do in church."