ENTRE NOUS

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 211, 16 July 1904, Page 12

ENTRE NOUS

YOU have noticed the look of blank dismay on the face of that public atrocity the old tram stables, since the clock has disappeared out of its forme i hole? Well, that clock is now doing a noble duty. We observed it doing its said duty late one lecent night. It mow occupies a niche at the little passenger waiting hutoh at the tiam teimmus, and is exactly on a line with the eye of the midnight staggerer when he descends from the "diunk's express." Such an one the other night stopped solemnly m front of the old clock m a new place, and examined it. He counted the figures and 1 it woiked out at 1 30. He endeavoured to shove the hands back with his walking-stick, but the glass prevented, him. Also, a friend led him gently away, he all the time explaining, ''The bloom in' clock ain't right Bill, 'sh o'ny ten o'clock, suie as I'm alive'" His subsequent adventures wheai he got home are s-acred to himself and wife, ♦ • * Talking about clocks. Newtown Post Office has one. It's a, veiy nice clock. Mr. Barber presented it. He presented the works, too. The postmaster lives in the post-office. So does Mi> Postmaster. Likewise, the little Postmasters. A clock tower wasn't thrown in with the bargain, and Mrs. Postmaster is distressed to see the muddy-booted clock-winders and repairers tramping through her very best rooms en touteto little Elsie's bedroom, where the "innards" of the time-piece ai c ticking. Elsie is getting accustomed to the grinding of the cogs very exaduallv. An inadvertent use of the clock works for a wardrobe is neithei good for little garments or for clocks, and the stumbling on an infernal machine bv a scared, child! in the dead of nde-ht is terrifying. Anyhow, Newtown has a clock, and the postmastei and family are of course, only too _ glad to suffer somewhat for the convenience of the public. m • • Aucklanders will be delighted with the description of their city given bv a Southern paper, which, says it is "the haunt of the samd-baggei , the home of the garrotter, and the happy huntmg-o-i ound of the cheerful burglar "

He had not been maaued long, and, to then great surprise, a number of his bachelor acquaintances found him armking m a pnvate bar, and drinknig lapidly, too. He wa.s aheady fanly full. ' Oh, I say, Brown, old mail," said ome of the acquaintances, "thus is pretty steep isn't it? Within two months of youi marriage, too " "T'hash ,il' n' " leplied Blown. ' Tiiash all n'. The wife doesn't mind She likes it. Fact ish that LiP woman loves me so dearly she's quite happy so long a& I'm .unuMii' myshelf. Whia' she she© ish flush 'All I desue ish to shee you Upp\, mv love ' and as I'm never sho l'apin aisli when I'm drunk, I ies' drink a,^ much .is I cam to please my little w ife " « • * At this point a smartlv-di essed little woman entered the bai , looked shan-ply round and said "He is here, George " She wa.s followed by an athletic- young man evidently her brother, who immediately seized Brown by the scruff, and towed him towards the dooir. "Gome out of this, you swilling beast," he said "or I'll break every bone in your body," and ne> cuffed Brown forcibly over the ear as a guaiantee of good faith. "Not here George, not here," said Mrs. Blown, "wait till we get him horne 1 " And so Brown went home. • • • The name of this trainer is Jas. Some savage old lions he tas. He will, I dare say, Be discovered some day Inside of their various f i as. » ♦ ♦ Some colonials aie enterprising A bootmaker, for instance, who left his home in the far north, with a pound in his pocket, and lots of fa'th in himself. He dumped his swag in a Taranaki town and hired a shop with that pound. The shop was bare, except for his tools, and people wondered what he was up to He had no boots to repair. Anyhow, he took his own not too lovely boots off, carefully soled and heeled 1 them stuck them m the window, and went barefooted until some other work oaine in. That cliap is one of the biggest bootmakeus in New Zealand to-d!ay. * • • The undisturbed serenity with w'hioh some local cartels still bieak the rules of the road, despite.' the efforts of the police and others, is heartbreaking. During the lunch-houi last Friday, two carts, one loaded with bai bed-wire and another with baled goods, were pulled up in thei dead centre of Panaana-stieet while the horses fed. The policeman on the Quay beat let his eye rove towaids them, but evidently thought it w as a pity to disturb the smoking oarteis or their feeding horses. Theiefore, he didn't. Wellington, as is known, is peculiarly situated in regai d to private streets, most of them, being owned and governed by carters.

Two succeeding ''pars.": — "Mr. Clement Wragge spoke at Halcombe last •night." "It has been, raining steadily since 8 o'clock last night." Cause amd effect ? • • • One of the "toniest" of Christchuroh society men and his wife are staying at a Wellington hotel — at least, they were The gentleman, of course, being in the "swim," has attended all the functions, banquets, and so on during the past few weeks and' on Thursday night he attended a very glorious "feed" indeed. He 1 eturned' to the hotel about 1.30 am., and retired. About 2.30, he was seized with severe cramps, and his good wife, knowing ecxaotly what to do under the circumstances, rushed downstairs, collected aJI the mixed mustard in the civets in the diniing-room, spread it on her handkerchief, and rushed upstairs. Filtering the room, she applied that plaster very promptly. * ♦ • The sufferer jumped two feet in the air, and glared at the night-robed lady "What the (etc., etc.)" "Now, do be quiet, dear. It will do you, good '" ' Help ' help ! Here's a madwoman in my room, and she's murdering me'" yelled the patient. There was a patter of feet, and the first man to arrive in the room was her husband, who observed, i\rth chagnn, that the lady had been applying a mustard l plaster to the landlord' Explanations ensued, but the Chiistcburch couple have not been seen at table d'hote since. • * • Mary had a little lamb — - She previously had fish, If I mistake not, also soup, And' yet she cleared that dish. Them, when the apple-pie came in, She sent her plate up thrice, And 1 , filling up with bread and cheese. She topped off with an ice. She washed all down with lemonade. Even unto three time® three ; It was 100 in the shade When Mam brought in the tea And' Mary guessed she'd have a cup Or two 'twould do no harm And now she's hanging on the fence, And wondering why she's warm. • • • A South African person has written to the Labour Department here, asking if theie are any "spare bank managerships" to be packed up m New Zealand. He has severed his connection with the Bank of Africa, and "neither drinks nor smokes." If the manager of the Bank of New Zealand could be sacked, this gentleman would fill the vacancy admirably. A propos of the Bank of Africa,, a Wellingtoman, who was engaged m winning territory foi the Chinese in South Africa, tells us that a "Tommy" produced about £500 worth of Bank of Africa notes among the New Zealand ranks one day, and asked os for the lot. He reckoned they were worth that as curiosities. It is recorded that no New Zealtander knew enough to "scoop" the little pool. A Fiench quartermaster-sergeant, attached to a New Zealand corps, was smarter, and. knocking "Tommy" down to 2s 6d cashed the notes for their full value at Cn net own. We would like to buy half-a-crown's worth right now.

The Hon. Chaile-> Mills, made a speech recently at the unveiling of the memorial on Massacre Hill (Mailborough), to the men of New Zealand who had fallen m Africa. This has caused an inventive scribe to allege that Charles there remarked that lie was "glad to be heah, for such a memorial as this would enable us, when we were dead and gone, to tell our children yet unborn the virtues of the past!" » • • Another case of tohungaism. A Maori woman, who weighed fifteen stone, and had something wrong wnth her, wa,s told to do all sorts of ridiculous things by a Poverty Bay tohunga fraud. She did them, and consequently lost her leason. If there was a. laugh, in the circumstance, it would be in the fact that a mere policeman had to escort the powerful and quite ma.d woman for a lono- way unaided, while she tried to escape all the time. The policeman, in this instance had to do several very willing sprints aftei his victim, but eventually succeeded in getting her into custody. Somebody — probably a tohungai — ought to be hanged. • * » The know-alls at a Wellington horseauction, smiled derisively when a farmer from a little hamlet up the line gave a pound or so for a veritable grey "scrag" that would have madei a tip-top adveitisement for somebody's "Frame" food, seeing he was all frame. Anyhow, Hayseed took him homei, and fed hum up a bit, until the staves in his barrel weren't perceptible, and he was the picture of what a horse ought to be. After which he "paddocked" him in. the streets, where, as usual in the country, the best grass grew. Hayseed knew Trapp, the constable. They had been reared together. • • • "Look here, Billy," said Hayseed, "you let the old grey neddy kick about, and don't let on you see him. He belongs to me, you know." Whereupon, "Billy" winked, and remai ked, "Righto, Hariy'" But, Trapp was called away to Wellington on a case, and another constable reigned temporarily in hi& stead. His first official act was to collect the old grey, and to impound him. The old horse was quite agreeable, for he got a real ringing feed of oats. He was duly bailed out, and looked up by Hayseed Then, Trapp came back, and the grey was safe, of course. • • • But, the very next day the old grey was missang. His owner seairohed for him high and low, and foumd him m the pound ' He went to Trapp. "Here, Haj-ry, that's a bit of a low-down, trick t<-> get on to an old pal. Whacher go and pound the old horse for?" Trapp protested his innocence, and the old horse was released, whale the two thrashed the mysteiy out. While they were discussing the matter the old grey backed off about twenty yards, made a bee-line for the six-feet pound fence, and cleared it. He was after oats! The crafty animal, that had) been sold in Wellington "for a song," had belonged to a circus, and was one of the finest high-jumpers this side of the line. The "know-alls" don't know everything. Also, the policeman is forgiven.

Some fellows would rather do anything than work. Among them are included the vast and ever-inoi easing army of leooid 6i eaters. Laist majii to seek a, bubßle reputation curried a sack of flour weighing 2011b. on his back for four miles in pouring rain in 83mins. Aftei w ard*,, he earned it a third of a mile to get it weighed. It had increased 21b by the lamfall. He was probably glad" that flour fell suddenly. We don't admire that man, and we can't glorify persons who do useless things for notoiiety. Anyhow, a mere as« could carry a bag of flour further with equal ease. Men like that ought to be suppressed before the "bosses gauge the ordinal y man's ability on this tigerish basis. • • • She was plump and— well, perhaps, forty. Sue wanted a hat— a giddy httle hat— and she told the lady at • Bark's" so. The said lady showed hei eighteen hate and twenty-hve bonnets, and at last a beautiful creation in red seemed to take hei eye. There was a feathei in it— a bold, upnght feather. -Don't you think it would look better without the feather?" she asked. "Why, no, it makes you look tenyeais younger, Madam, I assure you'" Did the lady smile? Did she take the hat.-' No! "Do you think I want to look like a child of twelve?" she asked, in scornful accents. • » * Shop assistants and clerks ai c so careless' Even though a local jeweller's .staff had lead of the diamond robbery in Auckland, they were stall careless, always leaving the safe open in whioh the diamonds and things were kept. The young "boss" was always "freezing on to them" to shut the safe after using it, and never to open it except under urgent circumstances Only last Monday he came into the office, and the safe was again open. He shut it with a bang, and used some fluency in the process. Everybody cleared out. The 'boss was in a rage, also his fin per was in the safe' His asronised appeals to the staff to come and get his finger out were at last heard. They reckon they are about "sauiare" now. Since which a chemist has" seen what he could do for ■tihe suffering finger. As one of tihia assistants said- "Well, you see, s'posui' it had been me that shut the safe. When c would my finger be now ?" • • • A solicitor, who was deprecating the wastefulness of the wealthy working man, who gets into debt when he has three or four whole pounds a week to keep his family on, recently remarked that he knew men who did it on £2 "You try it, old man !" invited! the debtor warmly. Lex said he didn't think he would. Perhaps you've never paid 6s 8d for a five-minutes' conversation with a lawyer or a guinea for a wave of the great one's hand, or two guineas for a few folios of typewriting written with no instruction from him by a 30s a-week clerk ? • • • The frequency of robberies and burglanes and garrottingh, and the inability of the police to check them (says the "Obseivei"). satisfied Mr. William Binks. of Mount Eden, that it was absolutely necessary to have a good watchdog if he expected to keep anything of value in hasi yard or garden. Binks went right away, and interviewed a specialist in dogs, who dealt in the ammals, and had a large stock, including dogs of all sorts, sizes, and complexions. The householder bought a large, blonde dog with a jowl like a blunt hand-saw, and ordered the animal to be delivered at his house on the following day • • • Meanwhile, he had a small, oblong cottage built and furnished foi the dog, and when the beast was brought home and tethered to a stake William spent all Ins spare time trying to cultivate its acquaintance and to ingratiate himself. He fed large quantities of raw meat to the dog, and called it pet names, and gave it a new collar of elegant desien and spaied no pains to satisfy Cailo that he had got a soft snap. About a week after this, Mr. Binks awoke in the dead middle and centre of tht night with a conviction that thieves were prowling about the premises, and he wondered! muchly that Carlo had not spoken of the matter. Stealing out, Binks saw dark forms 1 moving among the linen his wife had left out to bleach, and to show her confidence in the new dog. Binks released the dog. aaid, giving a veil, sooled him on the thieves. • * * At that moment something took hold of Binks and bit all the pyjamas off him and removed portions of his left calf and bruised his heel, and tore out hi° hair, and hustled ham about in the dirt a good deal. When, he recovered ha*; surprise, Binks discovered that it was Carlo 1 who was putting him to all this trouble, and meanwhile the thieves were escaping over the fence with the linen. Binks had a doctor in that night, and next day Carlo died of a violent attack of something brought on through eating arsenic after a hearty meal.

There was a three-months' old baby lying asleep vi a go-cart outside a giooer's shop the other day. There was a, pad rot, whaoh may have been a hundred yeais old, hanging up outside. The mother was inside the shop. Baby woke up, and cried. The pairot likewise cried, in eixaot imitation, and the baby, interested no doubt, stopped, and listened to Ins rival The pai lot kept it up, and an anxious mothei dashed out to comfort a baby who was as good as gold. She didn't quite know whether the little one had developed a ventnloqUL'al talent until the grocer drew her attention to the feathered "songster" in the cage. A propos of the wreck of the "Australia," there were some remarkable samples of coolness shown. One officer seveiely j eprimanded a passenger for his indelicacy in coming on deck ni ilris pyjamas' But the officei was fii

shoit of being the coolest man aboard. That distinction belongs to a passenger, a young Londoner, a tremendous Johnny, visiting these parts in quest of colonial experience, or to collect mosquito bites, or some such natuial curiosities. The man who rushed to his bunk had some difficulty in waking him, and when he did wake him, the Johnnie grow led bitterly "Dud-dud doose take it! Wh-wh-what's wrong?" he said. ''The ship is wiecked' Get up, man, quick, quick, the ship is wrecked!" "You don't bay ? Wh-wh-whecked is she, by Jove ? Isus-sus-\say, old fellow, is she gug-going down?" "No, not yet." "Well," said tlhe Johnnie, yawning languidly, "well, dear boy, we-weould you mum-mum-mnrcl kuok-calling me again when she stai ts ?" And he turned over to sleep once more.