AFTERNOON TEA GOSSIP

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 211, 16 July 1904, Page 10

AFTERNOON TEA GOSSIP

By Little Miss Muffitt.

I HAVE seen notliing tiuer in punt than the simple announcement on a local cart. "A. Coffin, general camei." It is, alas, it is' Alleged that the ordinal y child's gocart is the most f i equent caus-e of cuivature of the spine, and is a "mmdeaous contrivance. " People who have no use for go-carts will pi obably be putting on airs. • ♦ • Mr. Barber's suggestion that all the meat consumed m New Zealand should be passed by an inspector seems to indicate that such an inspector wall have something to do. I suppose theie aie at least fifty thousand beasts slaughtered every week. • • • The Czai 1 has done his best to keep the confidence of the people alive by his frequent appearances in public. This is the line under a picture in an English papei showing the Czar amidst his loving subjects. All the "subjects" to be seen are armed soldieis. • * * A country editor wiites — "We noticed a number of sti ange-looking cieatures in the upper township last meht at 12 o'clock." The edit.or will find that reasonable dilution is an effective method of dispersing "stiange cieatures " lam sending him a copy or "The Prohibitionist." • • • Chnstchurch won't let policemen, telegiaph messengers, and otheis ride free on its electric trams I could nevei see why these gentlemen should. They take the place that might be occupied by a paying person. Even police clerks ride free in Wellington. The Departments, if they want thenmen to tide, should "ante up." • * * On the ciest of fair Kilbirnie lull the othei day, I was pained to observe a veiy perspiring gentleman endeavouring to make a motor-car "gee." He was pulling levers about, but, as two ladies were aboard, his language was strictly Pai liamentary. So it should be, for the motorist was one of Wellington s most piominent "Lords." I believe the motor is now in a local bike shop. • • ♦ Fi cc ti anslation of a paragi aph from "Le Petit Journal" —"Dr. has been appointed head physician to the Hospital de la Chante. Orders have been issued -iy the authorities for the immediate extension of the cemetei y of Mount Parnasse. The works aie being executed with the utmost despatch." It is merely a case of the unfortunate failure of the printei to separate the two items. The good shepherds in the New Zealand chuiches aie so impressed with the seiiousness of the child-crop failuie that many of them are preaching serious sermons on the subject. It remains for the chaplain of a gaol to expatiate on the methods by which the decline could be checked to a chapel-full of criminals, the most innocent of whom was "in" for fifteen years. I think his advice to them to "increase and multiply" is a wee bit unnecessary. Councillor John Smith didn't want a horse and cart that was standing on the electric oar permanent way to get smashed to smithereens, so he moved it. The gentleman who appeared to have no notion that he had a cart, or wheae it was, or why it was on the tram-line, slowly strolled out of a neighbouring shop while Councillor John was hanging on to the restive steed, and asked him what he "was a doing with that theie 'orse?" A great many drivers in Wellington want to be waked up with a hat-pin. • • • Mr. Maicus Marks, the "Hansaid" supervisor, who wa= dealt with by the Lance's professional vivesectoi last week, tells me he was in Wales duung his grand tour. On a tram outside Cardiff he journeyed with three "Taffies," whose "English was difficult to the colonial. On hearing he was a New Zealander. they expressed astonishment that he should be able to speak the English language so fluently, and complimented him on learning it so rapidly. Seems to me the people of the principality don't know that New Zealand is the hub of the Empire.

Oue has 1 to go from home to hear news about it. The country papers aver that the price of the 2lb loaf in Wellington is twopence. I hear no news of any bankrupt bakers. * * ■>■ A Dusnethn paper offers a lewaid foi "the discovery of one sohtaiy disinterested, straightforward, genuinely sincere politician." When that paper gets seventy-seven applications from Ms.H.R., it will wish it had never been bom . Lady Curzon, daughter of late Millionaire Leiter, inhents some of her father's frankness. "You haven't an aristocracy in America, have you?" queried an unpleasant young Englishman "No," she replied, "it requiies all the money of our millionaires to support yours." *■ * * Theie were three Anglican Bishops on a Methodist platform in Adelaide the othei day. Lions are lying down with t\c lambs with a vengeance. If Bishop Nehgan heard of such a thing occumng in New Zealand he'd probably be much hurt He, as you know, doesn't believe m the commingling of rival religionist* • • « The steady decline in births in New Zealand dates from the time the totahsator was legalised. People can't spend money on mere babies when there aie horses to back. Peisonallv I should like to see the "totes" of the colony piled in a heap on the Hutt racecourse, covered with kerosene, and burnt. • • • International complications are likely to occur on Somes Island. _It is hardly likely that the self-respecting Japanese deer in quarantine will allow the Russian goats, also in quarantine, to occum teiritorv Somehow I'm rather afraid the Russians have the upper hand. Perhaps, you've nevei been to windward of a "billy "

Woods' is the name, a lemedy Of sweet pecuhai excellence , Grevt, as the mighty lestless sea, 'Tis purchased too at small expense, Peppebmint doth form its base, With Pharmaceutics, pure, of couise. Core you 9 Oh, fool ! the hardest case Cannot withstand its magic foice.