Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 209, 2 July 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

MRS. Good - Heavens and Mis O'Deai have always been excellent friends, although their Kelburne residences aje contiguous, adjacent, and close together. Mib. O'Deai it> a tacttul woman, like most Hibernians. Her rent is very high — £2 2s 6d per week, in fact — and she has been wondering how she would cut it down. Mrs. Good-Heavens has some sweet little daughtei s, who have a piano which they '"use" — to be kind. Mis. O'Dear has also a daughter. She called on her neighbour last Thursday afternoon, and greeted her affectionately. How were the deai girls ? Had she seen the lovely new lace fiohus at the D.I.C. ? Wei en't* they simply celestial ? • • • Did the deai gills still play the piano ? Yes l Well, could she ask them, out of kindness to her daughter, who was sick, to play that lovely Chopin duet about 3 o'clock this afternoon. Mrs. GoodHeavens was delighted. Promptly at 3 o'oclck Mrs. O'Deai 's landlord mteiviewed her. No, he couldn't i educe the rent. The rates, the unimproved value, depreciation of property (you know) " Then., the piano next door staited Chopin' "There'" said Mis. O'Dea,r, "what did I tell you ? Isin't it simply abominable? We can't live here/ — at the price!" The landlord listened to Chopin with an agonised expression that would paralyse a rhinoceros "You have my sincere sympathy'" he said. "I'll take 5s off." And Mrs. O'Dear looked in on her "sick" daughter, and winked comprehensively. • « » A German idea of a superb joke was to blacken the boots of a statue of Shakespeare, in Berlin. All the same, most Germans take off their hats while passing the said statue. • * •* The brains of sporting men are evidently of good quality. It is positively maivellous 1 how they understand one another. For instance, a man got on a Newtown 'bus the other morning, and, a propos of something no ordinary individual could fathom, said "I see the big fellow is being trained to so over the sticks. They'll make a bloomer if they don't keep him on small stuff. He'd have shook 'em up, too, over a short distance up the line. They say he's got a bad leg, but Jimmy reckons he's a dead snip for the Bracelet " Could anything be more delightfully indefinite ° And yet the person addressed knew the horse> indicated, his performances, tiainer, where he would "shake 'em up," and all about it If either srentlemen were asked to tell you when Gladstone was born, and what he did to deserve it, they would probably think you an ass to ask them anything so difficult.

Pai sons aie human, but, of course, they don't tell fibs. One' of them doesn't tell a fib. It is as followb. Wellington is extremely weli-seived in the matter of cakes. Fw the humble »m oi sixpence, one may get, at most leheshment rooms in the caty a full plate or decent cakes. In Christchuroh this ls not so. The parson tell® us that Chnstchuich rastaui anteurh charge twopence foi each cake consumed. Therefore, the Wellington lady who, in the saintly caty, called for cakes, and consumed what weie on th© plate, had to pay 3s fad 1 ' This is at twopence a cake. We are glad thart we a,re not the piovider foi a lady who calmly and deliberately allows heiself to consume twenty-one cakes at a sitting. That she did so we know, because a parson told us » • « We are told that the pi ice of money is low. How about this item from the "Mercantile Gazette" — "Maguire, John P., of Auckland City Council laboured, to W. Ledingham. B.S. dated June 9, filed June 14 , £23 20 pc. , over furniture. — Ohphant and Batley." And yet the Legislative Council refuses to pass a Bill limiting the i ate of interest. • • ♦ English as she is spoke pei telephone "H'looi" "H'lool" "Thatchoo, Jim?" "Yez. Hoozat?" "Smee— Nell." "H'lo, Nell l Smatter?" "Nothin' Thought call yup. Say, Jim, uno Tom Dixon?" "No. Oozee?" "Letcha know some time. Say, ]eeiabout Kitten Jim ?" "No. Whajjaknow 'bout 'em?" "Don't speak tach other." "Wot strubble?" ' k ld'a know Cv m nun over soon ?" "Yeh. P'raps. B choor cummmovei ower house fhst." "Willrfican. Gotapackacai ds p " 'Lot zuvvem " "Well. I'll come. G'by'" "G'bv' Say'" 'Well?" "Dont tell wattitoldjurbout Kitten Jim " ' I won't G'by '" "G'by'" « * * There was a young gul in the choir, Wliose voice lose hoir and hoir. Till it reached such a height It was clear out of seight, And they found it next day in the spc-n . * » * Doctor Robinson, of Chicago, has only bathed himself twice in five years. He says so m "Science Siftmgs " He condemns impartially the "washing mania," which roughens the skin, and makes dirt particles stick to it. The healthiest man he ever knew is doing grandly at 98, and has only had entire bathes twice in his life, having fallen into a river that number of times. The doetoi advocates repeated changes of clothing as the only way to keep clean. He avers that cold shower shocks aire responsible for many bald heads. Women go bald 1 less frequently than men, because it is a "bother" to wash their long hair frequently. We don't expect the soap-boilers to agree with the doctor.

He was a new settler, and he leckoned that he would get his fowl-house from the farm sent along by train. Therefore he took his dray down to the said station. The election was there right enough, and he and his maai loaded it up, and started for home. An excited individual, wearing a railway cap, chased him violently. "What are you doing?" "Taking me fowlhouse home, of coui&e'" "Here, you biing it back, wall you. That's the blooming station " And it was. What might happen under the jury system. "Law Notes" (U.S.A.) characterises as "unique" the methods said to have been used in securing the lury that acquitted Tillman, who murdered N. G. Gonzales. It is asserted that lawyers, disguised as picture agents, went all through the county, talked with every man, and found how he felt about the muider, and prepared lists that made it easy to select a favourable jury"C.S.N." assures us that he stiolled into a shop in Wilhs'-street last week, and beheld a Chinaman gazing expectantly at a graphophone. When the shopman inserted a cylinder, and the voice of a Chinese Sims Reeves broke the silence, that Chow's face was a treat. He enjoyed every note of it, and nodded approvingly, but, to my mind, the caterwauling of our family Thomas, serenading his lady love in the dead of night, was heavenly music in comparison. Only once before 1 have I heard such singing. When the Duke visited Dunedin, the loyal Chinese erected an arch m the main street. This arch had a pagoda at each end, and in one of these pagodas, which stood several feet above the street level, a Chinese artist used to make the night hideous by singing in a shrill falsetto, and playing am alleged accompaniment. My dog was with me, and, hearing the noise, thought it was a stray cat spoiling for a fight. The dog was just as eager for the fray, but, when he found that the supposed! cat could not come down and oblige him, he was so disgusted that ihe crouched at the base of the pagoda, and howled 1 dismally in unison — if anything: could be said to be in unison with a Chinaman's sinking. • • * The young man with the beautifully oleaginous forelock was engaged to the lovely girl in the pink silk blouse. He had initialled! seven dances on her programme, inouding extras The tall young fellow in the evening clothes (which he got when father died), and the s.cailet tie, sauntered up, and asked her for just one. She gave him one "D'Albcrts." His step was such a treat that the six remaining dainces were o-iven to the "long bloke," as the fiance called him. Whereat the gentleman with the forelock, boiling with offended passion, did deliberately stioll across the ball-room, and seize the organ of smell of his lengthy rival • • • The remaining people became excited wall-flowers, and the two rivals, like veritable Kuiowpatkins and Korukis, fought valiantly on the beeswaxed floor In the meantime, the pink-bloused cause had slid with a fair-haired youth, who made much hay while the clouds, obscured the sun — and their wedding is tomomow "None but the biave deserve the fair."

A local photographer, seeing a possible fortune in a permanent record of the local hoise-cais, has been at some pains to take kinematographio films of the long-exeoiated methods of passen-ger-carrying. He finds that he need not have imported gear from Sydney, for the cars axe too slow to be "took" by the machine. He finds also that for a shoit tram ride one hundred and fifty miles of film is necessary, so, not being a millionaire, he has sent the machine back home. A propos, Sandow has nevei been kmematogi aphed because he also is too slow — and Sandow, compared with the cars, is a veritable Carbine. * • # An antiseptic baby lived on antiseptic milk, His clothes weie antiseptic, made of antiseptic silk, In antiseptic carriages he rode, with time to spaie, He had am antiseptic nurse, breathed antiseptic air, And though upon this mundane sphere he did not long abide. They placed him an antiseptic coffin. when he died. "I want a hat for tins little boy!" Thus a fond mother to the extremely busy young man behind the counter. He got an armful of hats, totalling about fifteen, all of which the fond mother tried on the head of Johnny. "Oh, I think I'll bring the boy along that I want the hat for," she said, with the smiling untruthfulness that is the chief charm of the average shopper. "We shall be glad to see you, Madame," said the shop-assistant, "we have six hundred dozen hats we should like you to go through. You might get one out of them!" "Oh, thanks so much," replied the beaming shopper, and she hadn't the least suspicion that the assistant was taking a gentle "rise" out of her. * • • Stirring society item from a Ohristohurch paper —"Lord Ranfurly, together with his charming wife, are undoubtedly the most popular vioe-reines we have had in New Zealand, and general 1 egret is felt in the colony that their stay could not be longer."' We didn't know Lord Ranfurly was a lady of that sort. * • * Some of the most used of our church hymns are not ailways practical For instance "Happy Biids that sing and fly 1 ound Thy altars, 0 Most High," and tilings of that sort. But the ancient hymn writers did better than this A hymnal, used much in the beginnmg of the nineteenth century, contained the following beautiful piscatorial item — "Ye finny monsters of the deep, youi Maker's praises shout; up, up, ye codlings from your sleep, and wag your tails about." At least, one of our parson contributors supplies the clipping. * * • Here is the translation of the ancient Babylonian hquoi law, which induced the Rev. F. Isitt to remark that he would rather see barmaids burnt than that they should listen to the blaoksruardism of a bar- — "If a devotee or the wife of a god who in the temple precincts does not reside, opens a wine shop or even enters a wine shop, that female shall be burned." The ancient Babylonian men were greedy beggars. There was evidently not wine enough to give the ladies a taste.

The absentee-landlord tax of New Zealand is one of those beneficient measures that induces people from, afar to oome and see the beauties of this country. You see, the law says that a man isn't an absentee who visits his New Zealand' properties once a yeai . We hear of a man domiciled m England who yearly visits this ajieat country, has a ripping time, and saves money His absentee tax, which pans out at more than the amount he expends in travelling and sightseeing, is virtually saved. Pi obably, many distinguished visitors to this country, whose coming is the signal for much newspaper paragraphing, are leallv only evadme that tax. It is a law that is a boon to the wealthy • • • "Joe Chamberlain" songs aire all the race iust now in London. Here is a sample one from the latest comic opera, "The New Barmaid" — "Of sweethearts I have had a queer selection, From rich to middle-class and lowly birth. But none have wholly captured mv affection Like JasepJi Chamberlain, the Daddy of the Earth. He's the greatest thing that's happened foi a long time, Persuasive, sweet, yet cute as any dart, And when he talks it's nevei at the i\ioiig time, And I'm afraid he's captuied mv poor heart . Ohi, Joe, I wonder if you know, For you my heart goes pit-a-pat Wherevei I may go. Loaves and things ai c nought to me, Love's my only pohcv, And I've a corner in my heart for Joe, Joe, Joe " * * Beware of a sihaip young man, who is at piesent "doing" Wellington suburbs. His stock-in-tiade consists of a bag full of Indian polish and one very nicelooking cup and saucer. He is ranid in his methods. Opens his bag with a bang, and produces the cup and sauoei He tells the lady of the house that his firm is losing money, and all that kind of thing, but if the' lady will buy a tin of polish for 2s he will deliver in a few days' time six of the cups and sauceis as per sample. The cup and saucer shown are worth a shilling, and the polish is an ordinary sixpenny tin He does not deliver any cups amd saucers either in a few days or ever. He is emphatically an an ant humbug and it is a pity he doesn't call wh«n the man part of the establishment is at home.

"Dads Wayback" is trying to tell us that "Wheiever ther cow goes, an' is looked arter, she brings a golden prospeuty. Ther cow is settlui' ther Irish question better nor all thei English Acts o' Parhamint. Tlie coy, gives two 01 ops a day, wet or fine, an' there ain't no other vegetable in thei paddock with her as a legular pro-due-

er." When we know all the time that fcho golden prosperity of New Zealand is entirely due to the Government. • • • "Man wants but little Qiere be-low " They tell us o'er and o'er ; But then the little that man wants Is just a "little more."