Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 208, 25 June 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

Women are now enc-i oaching upon tlie preserves of the war coriespondent. Lady Floience Dixie represented the London "Morning Post" duiimg thewai in South Afnca, in 1881, Lady Sarah Wilson acted for the London "Daaly Mail" during the recent Boer war, and now Mile. Sturzenegger has joined the Japanese aimy in Korea on beJialf of a Geneva newspaper. * * ♦ Theie was an old man of Tientham, Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent 'em. When asked what they cost In case they weielost, He replied, "I don't know, for I lent 'em." * * ♦ Theie was a new waitei at a leading hotel the othei day, and he uas lathei clumsy. A lady made a piotest when he tipped the gravy over her diess. "It's all right, mum," he said quite simply "I'll go and get some moie." The boss was inclined to sack him on the spot, but it was found he was a tiades unionist, so everybody sang 6mall. Major-General Babington is an officer who has hurled a brigade against unknown odds without a, tremor. On Governor-exchange day, the Commandant of the New Zealand Forces and his little cooked-hatted and scarlet-froeked staff stood m the drip-drip of the persistent downpour outside the dais, whereon stood, less exalted peisons. "There's plenty of room up here, six'" said 1 a man. "I know," whispered the Commandant, "but I can't get." Anyone else oould have got, but the General stood on the lower steps, while the not weather-proof ceiling above wept copiously on his plumes, blending pink with, white, and formed in little pools around his cross swoids. » * ♦ "You try and get in," said the General to Col. Webb, district commandant, but he too protested he couldn't "get." The always alert Capt. "Jack" Hughes, a martyr to lheumatism, didn't shove in. Captain, Joyce, the district adjutant, was equally dlnpping and equally diffident, while Colonel Ohaytor, the A A.G., looking particularly pale, allowed the rain to soil b.19 gay scarlet and gold. The naval officers, whose element is watei , got in out of the ram very quickly, although they had some kind of altercation before leaving the carriage, probably on a question of precedence, a ?tiff-legged little midshipmite not Quite knowing if he was an admiral of the fleet or a mere staff-captain. Gene- ' al Babington's only protest was to the Lance man, who was pushed tumultuously on to his shoulder. "Where are you coming to?" he asked' as he was shot down the steps, nearly breaking his boot straps. Alas, one couldn't be 1 where one willed on Governor-ehang-:is day.

A cunous coincidence, and one fraught with smiles. A Wellington detective last week arrested a person since charged with theft. He was evidently a person of literal y leanings. On being searched, one pocket panned out, "For the Teim of His Natural Life," while another was found to contain "The Little Thief." What an awkward thing it is to have a vivid memory. Last week an estimable lady, whose husband is less estimable, applied for a prohibition order to issue against him. The order was made. The possessoi of the vivid memory takes us back to a temperance concert an, Wellington some few years ago. The lady of whom' we speak recited the stirring; words of "The lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine." On the whole, the marrying of a rake to effect his reformation generally turns out a considerable frost. • • • Although many young peotile in the colony, who have enjoyed the privilege of a free education, may laugh at their parents' lack of "book-learning," it i<no laughing matter. Who, for instance, would dare to smile a,t this latter, received by a Waira.rapa storeikeeper from a well-to-do and much-es-teemed settler, who is a .J.P. and a member of a Road Board • — "Please send mie some Te and some Cofe. My wife had a son this morning, also 101b Oheese and a rat trap. He weiehed 7^-lbs, and 14Ibs of wire nails and a fore prong fork." ♦ • • A sweet football story comes from Taranaki. Two players in a match attempted to sorag one another riffht from the start of the game, and th^ referee noticing the circumstance, promptly stopped the game, and, eoing ud to the players in question. asbo"iished everyone on the ground bv tellirw? them to have it out then a.nd there, and he would aot as umpire. And they d'd The boait did not last long, and the game was proceeded with. * * . A certain revivalist was holding a meeting in a Southern town, and thrilling his hearers with an account of tihe tortures they would suffer if they did not forthwith kneel at the penitent form. "Why," shouted the preacher, "I had a grandmother who refused to believe, and where is she now? In 1" This was too much for one of the audience who at once arose, with a disgusted look on his 1 face, and made for the door. As he marched down the aisle, the preacher pointed to him. Amd shouted. "Do you see that man? He is going straight to '" "Yes," retorted the sinner, looking back over his shoulder "any message foi your grandmother ?" « • • Marvellous the brotherly feeling that has been engendered in New Zealand by the passiner of laws made especially on behailf of the worker. Man killed in Auckland the other diay. Insured by employer in accident company. Employer evidently not keenly in love with employees, but chary of erettins hit hard under Workmen's Compensation Act Employer too mean to bury hrim. Insurance company too mean, likewise. Body lying: around several day®. Dl^D 1^ srusted workine-mates in decenov subRcribed the requisite amount. No relatives to collect insurance. Company scotresi. employer erlad 1 . mates sad. New Zealand has legislated the bowels of compassion clean out of the country.

Advertisement lecently published in a Dunedin newspapei by a French tutoir — "A young Paris man shall desire to show his tongue to classes of gentlemen. Address, etc." We call upon the police to suppress this rude young man. » * « Curious thing that the only booming of New Zealanders who are at Home is seen in New Zealand papers. RangL uda, the Maori tenor, for instance. Solemnly alleged that it is not at all unlikely that, having set the example to London society, saidi society will "sing the quaint old Maori folk-tunes, accompanied by grotesque gestures, at fashionable gatherings during the coming winter." The sight of a couple of dozen dowager duchesses doing hakas would be great. * « • She is a very innocent old lady, and she lives in South Wellington. She was being importuned by a sooty wanderer with a hand-cart and the regulation brooms, who assured her that her chimneys were in a dangerous condition, and wanted the job of restoring them to order. "No, go away," said the old lady. "But I assure y<xu, madam — " persisted the sweep. "Now, look here," the houswife said, very imperiously, and shaking a warning finger ; "if you don't go away immediately, I shall send for the police. I was reading only this morning that public sweeps are illegal, and very proper, too, I think." The sweep retired. • • • Although Scripture teaching is not a part of the New Zealand school ourriculem, mainly because the parsons are too tired to do anything but tell the other fellow to do it, many moral maxims are fired at the youth of this country, who may thus gather pearls. "What is a lie?" is a very frequent question in sdhool. Most boys know, but not many can hit upon the real or alleged text oovermg the subject. A southern suburb's kiddy, however, with a smattering of Scripture knowledge, surprised his teacher last week by explaining that : "A lie is an abomination to everybody, but a very pleasant help in time of trouble." • « • Local news from a ooointry paper — "It is understood that Mrs. Sarah Blank, the celebrated artist, is still engaged in painting the town. Her fa-vonrite colour is led. She recently returned with illustrated optics." • • » The Lance on Monday last counted ninety-eight cameras, the owners of which weie determined to snap a newGovernor who bad never done them any harm. There weie more than nine-ty-eight, but we got tired of counting. The people most violently loyal, and who wanted to cheer everybody from Governor to cadets, were those who had found 1 it necessary to warm their interiors with spirituous or malt liquors. One man, in Post-office Square, pushed past sixteen stone of police-ser-geant (you know Murphy P). "Where are yez goin?" asked the sergeant, holding him in his right hand, and dangling him in the air. "I'm goim' to shake hands wid Misther Junket. Me father used to drive for the Archbishop of Dooblin'" Murphy gently lifted him over the ropes, where he surged, protesting that "Misther Junket" would be moighty disappinted whin he heard that his ould frind Casey was not allowed to shake him by the hand." It is believed Casey went away to drown his sorrows in the flowing bowl.

If the Japs held off for a bit and lefused to bash the Russians any more, the probabilities are that they would score a big victory. The Russians' worst enemies are the Russians. Bad foodstuffs, that never get to them, gigantio swindles, insui rections at home, poor shooting, weak ammunition, and starving troops. Why, it remands one of the enemies of the British in the Crimea — the English-born, contractors, the effete old reprobates who let the troops starve, the tin bayonets, and pewter swords. Truly, the Russians nave distinguished precedent for slaughtering their own troops. • • • "Wanted, lodgings in a quiet, Christian family," is a frequently-occurring advertisement in the public prints. One lodger, who was a witness in a small case in the Wairarapa last week, was asked by counsel • "You occupy a separate room in Mrs. Thingummy s boarding-house, don't you?" "No "Who else were there?" Counting on his fingers, the witness said • "Well, there was Mr. Blank, Mrs. Blank, five of their children, and a couple of dogs." Quiet Christian family ' Every home comfort! Suitable far single gentleman ' A tobacconist has been exercising his wit on the practice of juvenile smoking. "Look out for our new cigarette 'Coroner's Friend,'" he says, "sold to children under ten years of age. They ■will be handsomely packed in, covers shaped like a child's coffin, and properly finished with brass naols, and on lid a skull and crossbones. Inside, a litho of a destroying angel rising out of pit. When ready, samples of these cigaaettes will be sent to board schools, undertakers, and idiot asylums, from whom it is expected to receive valuable testimonials." After recommending parents to encourage their offspring 1 to smoke, since a life insurance policy is given free with each thousand, we read — "N.B.— Until these cigarettes are on the market, any ordinairy Id packet will do equally well. Meanwhile, tobacconists who still have customers in trousers, should sell them the absolutely best cigar on the market." But the name of this "absolutely best cigar" oan best be left to the imagination and taste of the reader Still, the tobacconist who prefers his customers in trousei s is altogether admirable.

The ball given at Chii&tchuroh the other day to t<he departing officers of the South Pole exploring ships, was a very "swell" affair, and great pams were taken to keep it painfully sele-ct. It is said now that was the reason why certain public men, who couldn't well be ignored, received invitations while their wives didn't. Women, you know, draw these caste distinctions more sharply than men can afford to do. Amongst the slighted Benedicts whose wives were not wanted was a certain citizen well-known in oricketang circles at the Cathedral City. He made no fuss whatever. He simply hunted up his marriage certificate, and made an exact copy in his bold Roman hand. Then, he neatly pinned it to his invitation, and mailed it on to the Ball Committee. It was a dead hit, and

the section of Christchiurch which is just outside the sheep-fold) of High Society is chuckling still. "Simple Simon" has a grievance. He thinks the "Post" should supply a glossary at the foot of some of its issues, so that tlie aveiage reader who has no very extended knowledge of Greek and Latin loots, might be able to follow so learned a scribe as the one who "did" a certain fearful and wonderful football screed the other day. He wants to know why a psychologist — or student of soul — would have found anything to study in the behaviour of the football crowd alluded to. He has asked us for a sample of "human foghorn," but we are at present out of that line, and none of the marine merchants here keep them. • ♦ • He- doesn't think the> avei age reader knows what a "raucous shout" is, or what an "ululation" may be. "Demonaieal" also worries: him. He presumes t-hat the reporter never heard a wolf howl, and so doesn't know anything about ululations, that he never saw the devil, so is. uninformed about his attributes, and that he is the only person who would rather use the word "caeophany" than "row," "noise," etc. He likewise remarks that the "Post" editorially approved the decision of the Inspector of Schools to test the children by dictating words used in osrdmary conversation. "Physician, heal thyself,' seems to be the moral. • • • The litle Moturoa did good, business on Sunday, plying between the ferry wharf and H.M.S. Psyche, and the captain smiled a smile of deep content as he collected] the shilEngs on the outward trip. Trade was very brisk until about four o'clock, but after that time no one wanted to go out to the warship, and those who were on boand Were loth to come away. Then the skmner began to realise that -he had a big dead-horse to wipe off in getting the people back. • • • When the crowd boarded his steamer, he refused' to start until he had made an elaborate calculation on the funnel. The amount collected on each outward trip had been carefully noted, there, and, a® some hundreds had been ferried over, and they were all waiting for the last boat, the captain chewed the end of his pencil, gazed at the subtraction sum on the smoke-stack, and at last informed us sadly that "she could never do it." The passengers had not for a moment thought that she could. • • • There was a great swell in Japan, Whose name on a Tuesday began — It lasted through Sunday, Till twilight on Monday, And sounded' like stones in a can. • • • A little yarn, that has hitherto not seen the light of day, is confided to us by a veracious friend. A suburban, man, who, by the way, had been attending tihe annual dinner of the Employers' Association last week, arrived at his home at 12.45. Opening the door with his latch-key, he was immediately made aware of another person's presence. This person cam-ied a candle, and on seeing him immediately charged, dealt with him in a professionally pugilistic style, heaved him out of the door, and slammed it m him. The hurt man rushed through the next gate, and banged at the door.

"Help! help!" he cried. "I've been thrown out of my own house!" His distracted wife came to the door. "What are you doing here?" he asked, in a frenzy of apprehension. Her voice rose to C in, alt. as she asked him why she shouldn't be in. her own house after midnight. She put her hand firmly on his dress-coat collar, and hauled ham in. He was in his own house. The next-door house ws a twin brother. The next-door neighbour is telling how he dealt with a desperate burglar. One moi c convert to Mr. Isitt.