Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 206, 11 June 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

IN the stilly midnight houi , maybe, the wife of your soul searches the i ecesses of your pants' pockets fOlf 01 the stray half-crown. We hear of a man who was afflicted with a careful wife of the brand indicated He is a poor man. He went home one evening in a dejected mood, with a bad halfcrown, and said, holding up the com, "IVe still got a two-shilling piece left ? " She noted instantly that it was a halfcrown, and, you bet, she changed it that night for a good two-sbilling-piece. Then, later while the wicked man was chuckling over his deal, she oouied out a tale that some horrid wretch, probably the grocer, had rung a "wrong 'un" on to her. • • • "Quick I Quick !" he gasped with the peirspiration streaming down his pale trow, "give us a good stiff tumbler o' brandy • 'ere's a bloke outside what's fallen down, and cut his 'cad!" The barman poured out about six "fingers," and handed it over. The good Samaritan immediately engulphed it, remarking that he always felt faint when he saw an accident. Then, a policeman strolled in. "This'll get you into trouble, old mam, supplying: a prohibited person." And the 1 kin of -hearted publican is expecting to have 'his license endorsed any minute. i • ♦ Queer that fires often break out when the local brigade is having a social or something of the kind. Remember that about two years ago the "Wellington Brigade was having it® annual dinner when they had to suddenly leave the social hall to go amd erfciniguish a ship fire. The other day, at Palmerston North the Brigade, attired j in their very best, were dancing with their sweethearts and wives, when tihe ailarm was 0-iven. For some time they were fiffhtine mid fire and water But they all came back, wet and grimy and +V>e girls did<n't mind a bit. Pome of t^ose liqrht silk blouses were absolutely rained. • • • Toune Bun, a Southern Chinee, was arraigned for perjury the other r?iv. He honed he'd get ten years in ffan.l. because his dear, good, kind wbitp "boss" in the country worked him till three o'clock every mornine. l^" l *^^ upon gaol as a hqnnv relea^p F ior ht hours-n-dnv highly-paid city workers n re the heaviest' sufferer* 0 !' They are sr» dnw^-troddpn +!■>«+■ +i^v want the State +~ omai-int^p m"i ■•+<--- n"op fo 1 their children '

They were a lively party on one of the mail-boat*, bound for England (bays the "Critic"), and the good nature of a letunung loidlmg led to his being made the object of much bantei and piactioal lokmg. One day, when the weather was a trifle heavy, all the party turned up at the dinner-table with the exception of the titled member, and instantly jokes began to fly around about his having been overcome. "Here!" cried Smith, the leading spirit in all the jokes, "I'll fix him up when he comes, and, seizing one of the "chits" used in payment of passengers' wine bills, he wrote, "Sincere condolence in your affliction.—J. Smith." * + • As the lording at last entered to take his seat, the card was passed along the table with much chuckling, until it reached his hands. He looked hard at it foil a moment, smiled good-hum ouredly, and, seizing a sciap of biead, erased the whole of the insulting message. Then, as the joker's brows gradually contracted with wonder, he filled m the clean space with the words, "One small bott. champagne," and handed 1 the card, with the signature of J. Smith still intact, to the nearest steward. * * * "Oh, ai saay, look heah, don't y' know couldn't you give me a glaws of bwandy and sod'ah ?" was what a newlyout tourist said to a bainnaid the other day, over the- Umpire bar. The girl looked at him pityingly and unoomprehensively. Turning to her fellow barmaid, she said "I wish these swell foreigners would bring a«i interpreter with them when they travel !" * * # There has been a pretty considerable amount of sneak-thieving lately in small up-country towns. Indeed, at Waiwaka no lesfe than three storekeepers' tills were gone through, and a total amount of £37 8s 6d stolen. Everybody at Waiwaka was, consequently, prepared to see masked faces, jemmies, and moleskin caps any moment. The Waiwaka branch bank was in the throes of its monthly balance during the scare, and the three bank officials were hard at it under the gaslight. Suddenly, without a word of warning, a rough man, cairying tools appeared, without "by youi leave" or any other salute. * • • A gallant young bank clerk sprang to his diawer with a shout, and' the burglar was covered. Then the three of them lushed the villain., bound his protesting form in cords, sent for the police, and handed him over. "Nice chap you are, Oharhe Chips, to go breaking banks, ain't you?" said the constable. "I thought you was a straight-goer '" Then Cha.ilie told him, with a superfluity of bad language, that the bank manager had asked him to effect some necessary repairs to the bank counters before business hours in the morning A small subscription was raised by the "burglar" snatchers, who haven't boasted much about their prowess. Still, the story has leaked out and here it is.

A piefety complication and a savoury bit of scandal is being talked about in certain leligious circles. A lady preacher was sent to investigate charges <jf careless living made against a male shepherd of the same sect. Evidently, she found everything satisfactory, for she took him along with her on a sudden and unexpected voyage to the South Seas or somewheie. Probably, hi went as a sort of private secretary te the ministering angel. • • • The said angel is alleged to have left a husband behind, but he proved not inconsolable. He did not sit on the wharf and moan in sad tenor tones, "Oh, Sister Nellie, where art thou?" or ask the night winds "Why has she gone without saying good-bye ?" Not a bit of it. He promptly found another charmer, and went on a No. 2 honeymoon — presumably to the North Seas. The moral of this story is — well, there isn't any. Except that the casualness of colonials seems to be getting more casual eveiy day, and the remedy isn't obvious. • * ♦ ±i. man rides up on a bike to a suburban home. His stock-in-trade is a camera, a fluent tongue, and an unlimited "cheek." For a sum, based on the appearance 1 of the woman who comes to the door, he says he will photograph the house. The woman consents She rushes inside, decks out her olive branches in their best "pinnies," plasters their hair down, they strike an attitude he presses' the bulb, and will deliver the photograph a few days laiter. He does so. The proud mother sends the photo to her parents in Western Australia, or London, or Kaiwarra — anywhere, in fact. The parent® write back wanting to know why Emma, ha^s sent them a piece of blank cardboard. You discover then that the photo was a decided negative — that it has faded away like the photographer, who _is somewhere up the countiv, squeezing hi« pernicious bulb for somebody else's half-crowns. Beware of him. • • • "At the last it biteth like a serpent and stingeth like an adder." What? Pop — good old ginger-pop. Proved m court that the innocemt^looking hop-beer cannot be brewed without developing alcohol. There are, in and about Wellington, therefore, some dozen or so struggling pop-sellers and lolly-vendors who are aiming at the destruction of sobriety, and who are a menace to the community The case in which a Napier restauranteur was fined for selling intoxicating hop-beer prove® this. Curious' thing to us is that the police should nose around after pop, which is fairly decent stuff except that it contains a trifling proportion of alcohol that develops in spite of the maker, and allow licensed alcohol sellers to carry on the sale of alcoholic drinks year after year without bothering to find out if they are as pure as repi esented. Samples taken from various hotels at odd moments would open the eves of the public.

An Australian critic remarks that a country that can show the splendid, surplus that New Zealand has in hand mubt be proud of its administrators. The Australian cntics haven't been an any New Zealand roads lately. A sick woman had to be carried on a stretcher the other day sixteen miiLes an. a high road near Mangaweka to the doctor. Such a thing, as a mam road bewig absolutely impassable to wheeled traffic mi the Common wealth is unknown. But then, their surpluses are either so small as to be not worth mentioning, or there isn't any surplus at all. • * • Talking about bad roads reminds us that, hut foi the villainous state, of a West Coast highway, a child would have been killed recently. Thrown out of a stage ooach, together with its mother, the child was buned under one of the "wheelers." If the road had been decently hard, he would have died. He was, however, dug out, very muddy, veiy frightened, and unhurt. But, if the road had been a solid one the coach wouldn't have capsized. On the West Coast, too ! • * • "Go on the land, young man!" A settler in the South called on the nearby constable, with a request that he w ould be good enough to shoot him. Aa the oonstable probably hadn't got a shooting-license, the settler wasn't settled. • • • Edith Sessions Tupper, on a matter that affects Wellington women materially, but whose scathing indiotment will never be considered to 1 have any reference to individual "scrags" who cannot see themselves as others see them — "What do you, think of when you are forced to gaze upon an expanse If beef — tough, red, weaither-beaten ? How do you feel when you have a choice collection of bones and 1 pimples and woose-flesh displayed for your benefit? I wish the Pope or the legislature, or something, would utter a bull or pass an ordinance against the wearing of decollete gowns by very old or very young ladies. Nothing is more ghastly than to see an old lady exhibit her withered skin in an evening gown. And it is equally painful to witness the unveiling of immature charms. • * • "I have been so distressed at the play looking at the bony necks of young actress ingenues that it has spoiled the evening for me. And the little slim show girls- — picked chickens — who stand in front and 1 bare their skinny necks and sfcraflray shoulders — what an appalling sight they are ! If I had 1 my way I would suppress the pompous old firump who exhibits her big red arms and beefy shoulders ; the grandmother who should be veiling her sunken chest and withered throat in a delightfully picturesque mull fichu, but who totters to the front of her opera-box in the evening like a death's-head at a feast ; the young girl with bones starting through the scant covering. Yes, I would suppress all these, because they sin against beauty."

It is extremely gratifying to observe that New Zealand leads the world. Following exalted precedent, Viotoua faithfully observes the New Zealand official style in despatching public business. The lock of a ballot-box at Swan Hill having been broken, it was sent out for repair, and the man who did the work in due course sent in his account, which amounted to sixpence. After the usual formalities, involving much wa&te of time, he received a oheque foi sixpence. The cheque was useless, because if the recipient had paid it into the bank he would be charged sixpence exchange, so he resolved to have it framed, with a bioad border of red tape, and hand it to his heirs as a curiosity. Verily, the Victorian service is an apt pupil. • » • You've often heard of a man under the magic influence of alcohol being able to discern two objects where only one exists. This yarn is about one object that assumed large dimensions in the vision of a party of convives who were returning from a lodge meeting in the Wairarapa. They observed an enormous bird stalking over the plain. One of the party was despatched for a rifle, while his mates kept asn eye an the moa. When the man with) the 1 rifle returned, it was found that, in bis haste, ne had forgotten the necessary cartridges. Being determined to capture this sole living 1 representative of this once numerous race of giant bipeds, the party 1 esolved to give chase. • • * Fadrly startled by their shouts, the bird, with, chain-long strides, sped across the plain, closely followed by its pursuers. The party scrambled over heaps of boulders, through broad lagoons of freezing water, and across barbed-wire fences, in fcheir endeavours to catch up on the speedy biped. Finally, the bird, thoroughly exhausted, brought up before a line of barbed^wire fence and poplars. The party approached! circumspectly, when they found that the bird was only the boss bronze-wing turkey which had managed to escape from ai local noultry farmer's yard. • • • Lieutenant St. John Gower, of a Household Regiment, filed his schedule recently. Among the creditors was a corsetiere, whose bill for a two-years' supply of stays to the young "soldier" was £98 10s! The statement set out such items as this — "1 blue silk corset, silver cords and eyelets. Honiton laoe trimmed, £7 10s." What would the Iron Duke have said P • * » A true story from an American friend, who has just left a life insurance office in a fit of pique because they wanted to insure him. He knew a ohiild in America who fell out of a fourth-storey window, and landed unhurt. Next year, the kiddie chose a three-storey drop, and again escaped unhurt. Subsequently, more ambitious, he toppled our of the fifth storey, and! airrrved on the sidewalk smiling. Then, his parents insured his life. The youngster, having been accepted, tripped down the front steps of the insurance office, and broke his lee. Mortification, set in, and he died in three days. That's what frightened the ex-insurance agent against taking out a policy.

Life's little ironies. A canvasser recently toured the Manawatu with a book which gave voluminous advice on the best methods of training and driving horses. A day or two after he started canvassing ihis horse played up, broke both shafts of the buggy, and bolted! The disconsolate book-fiend had to make his way homeward sans horse and trap, and loaded up with his valued work on the best methods of training and driving horses. Reminds us of the bony spinsters who write screedls about the declining birth-rate. • • • A traction engine, drawing two huge trollies, piled with bagged chaff, thirty fetet high — so high as to barely miss the telephone wires in Panama-street — isn't a spectacle that can be borne with equanimity by the average horse. The City Council says the traction engines may use the roads, and drag mountains of merchandise through the city. Therefore, the citizens, who haven't been asked about the matter, must perforce put up with, tihe nuisance. These abominable contrivances are permitted to use the narrowest streets during the busiest part of the day, and only the greatest vigilance on the part of horsedrivers prevents accident. The possible damage to wood-paving, especially when the abominations are turning corners, will have to be considered in the near future. In the meantime, the. smoking monsters, with their huge, unwieldy pdUes of goodsi, during their progress carry ddismay and) stench wherever they go.

She cycled up to Walter Woods' butcher's shop, and! came in with a smiling face. "I want you to cut me off 251b. of beef, please," she said 1 . The butcher was incredulous. "Twenty-five pounds ?" "Yes pleas©." It was a bag job, and when he had finished, he asked her whether she would take it, or have it sent home. "Oh, I don't want to buy it," she explained 1 . "You see, my doctot tells me I have lost 251b. of flesh through cycling, and I wanted to see what it looked like in a lump. Thank you so much." * * ♦ He is a Wesleyan missionary of some repute. He is well known in Wellington. His natal day only returns once in four years, viz., on 29th, February. A young woman, who had come within the charmed circle of his influence proposed to him last leap year. He was surprised, but had a suspicion, and replied thus : — 1. In the. first place, I am afraid' I cannot accept your offer, because I am rot of age. I was only eleven last birthday. 2. In the second place, I cannot many without the consent of my parents, and you must interview them. They are both in heaven. 3. In the third place, I am prepared to give your proposal serious consideration — when I am twenty-one. 4. And' in the fourth place, it behoves you to calmly ponder this, as I appear to be born out of due time.

Lord Flunket had a. grandfather. He was the Archbishop of Dublin", no less. He was, like many very eminent men, extremely nervous. Always had an idea that something awful was going to happen to him. Before Lord Plunket was born, the celebrated prelate was dining with the Lord Lieutenant, in Dublin. His Grace's wife was sitting alongside. To her the Prelate said', in terrified accents — "It's come at last! It's come at last!" His 'horrified wife springing up, asked, "What has oome?" "Paralysis," replied heir lord. "Paralysis !" she rejoined. "What can make you think that?" "I have been, pinching my leg from time to time," was the answer, "for the last two minutes, and I can feel nothing." "I beg your Grace's pardon," said l the lady who sat next to him, on the other side, "you have been pinching mine." • • • A clerkship was advertised recently. The amount of remuneration was not excessive. It panned l out at about 18s a week. A gentleman) who craved that billet wrote to the advertiser thus • — "I am forty-five years of age, have hod twenty-seven years' experience in all branches of insurance, and am universally admired for my personal appearance. I can speak German, French, Irish, American. Hindu, and Latin, and have a general knowledge of other languages too numerous to mention. lam am expert at shorthand, roundibjand, backhand, and I can, if required, write with both hand's 1 at onoe. In addition, I have a wife and six children, who. in view of the handsome saJairy offered!, will be) pleased to place their services at the disposal of the board. Should testimonials be required, I shall be pleased to forward them per goodis train." And 1 even then, he didn't get the billet.