Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 203, 21 May 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

A CHINAMAN died on board ,i boat a while ago. He was to be inquested ashoie. A repoi tei , detailed to attend the proceedings, on, his way along the street met a Belgian friend who is something in the commercial lane. The Belgian had never seen a dead man , least of all that rara avis, a dead Chinaman. He wanted to. How could he attain his ambition ? "Why not go as a reporter?" queried' the "sure enough" ink fiend. What parcer oould he repiesent? The "Revue d<es deux Mondes" was the very thing. The two arrived at the ooromal hall, where the Belgian- was introduced to a severe-looking gentleman, who seemed indifferent until the real reporter remarked that his friend was a travelling journalist, sent round by that world-known publication, the "Revue dcs Deux Mondes." + * * A smile ciossed the ooronial forehead. "Delighted, I'm sure," he exclaimed, snaking hands warmly with the distinguished one. The "Revue" man was shown in, and the coroner explained his eminence to the jury. Would he like to see the corpse ? He saw it, and felt bad. He covered reams of paper •with notes that would be undecipherable in any city in the world. The coroner would stay proceedings every now and again to beam on the distinguished journalist, and to remark that he was a great admirer of the "Revue." Did the French authorities proceed thus? The French authorities did not proceed in so enlightened a manner. More ooronial beams. That young Belgian was glad to breath again the outside air of Wellington, untainted with, Ghuiiar mian. And the coroner? Oh, he is stall waiting for the "R-evue dcs Deux Mondes" to turn up with flattering references to himself, and a vivid account of how they manage inquests in New Zealand. » ♦ * "Could the gentleman pay that little bill of £1 7s 6d owing since 1902?" Thus a looail tradesman to a notoriously bad pay. The gentleman really couldn't/ His esteemed mother-in-law had died, and he had hald to pay for the funeaal ; his eldest child had been under the doctor for three months ; his salary had been cut down, owing to the slackness of trade — and, in fact, the tradesman cleared out. Next day, a subscription-list came along. It was being taken round in connection with a local "Home." On> the list was true name of the gretttilema/n who ha<3 buned his mother -Jln-law, etc. The amount he had subscribed was £2 2s. In the estimation of his friends he is "such a kind-heiaa-tedi man."

Theie was a tram that left Te Aio station on, Monday morning that wanted to get a* far as the Upper Hutt. By dint of the usual exertions, it got as far as Beilmont. Half-way up the ose the traim stopped. The passengers got out, and offeied to push. The enginedriven explained that he only had 251b of steam up, and that wouldn't iollyvell send her up. The coal wouldn't bum. "Is that State ooal you'ie using, mate?" queried an Oppositionist aboard. The guard was seem to descend, and go on a foraging expedition. Some passengeis also helped. Little bits of wood, old sleepers, fence posts, and the like. The engine gave a grunt, a.nd went on a bit under timber fires. * * * Furthei on, the gua,i d obtained an axe, and the surrounding country suffered. He looked with longing eye at the ladlwav fence posts, but respected property. Ultimately, the passengers, who enjoyed going slow on the usually fearfully rapid section, got to the Upper Hutt three-quarters of an hour after due time. The guard is, we believe, going to enter for the next woodchopping contest that happens along. » • • Taihape is not a prohibition settlement. Its paper says — -"Mr. Harron has been retained as counsel for the defence, and Messrs. Peacock and McLennan as touch-line judges." » • ♦ Rather an extraordinary coincidence took place in a Wellington church last Sunday. The collection plate was being circulated. The tall, bald-headed platebearer solemnly dodged up and down the lines of bonnets, accompanied by the rattle of "threepennies." The furtive stranger on the seat nearest the door nervously dropped his contribution into the receptacle. The plate-bearer staited, gasped', paled, grabbed the latest dole, looked fixedly at it — amd put it in his pocket. Called on to explain, he proved that the "coin" was a Roman piece of currency that had belonged to his family for 400 years, and which, together with) many other things, had been stolen from his residence in Thorndon la-st year. # * * "On receipt of 13s t>d we will send to anj part of the world, to any person sending along the names of six friends, our pa/tent gold oh i ono meter, jewelled in twenty-four holes, back action, selfwinding, double-cased, superbly-chased, crystal-faced." Thus the English ad. A Christohurch politician sent along the money some years ago. The watch didn't come. If it existed, it stayed in London. The M.H R. wrote to the papers, to the London police, and at last to our versatile Agent-General. Mr. Reeves got on the job, and presumably asked the London swindler what the-fiozen-mutton he meant by deceiving ai citizen of the greatest country undier the blue emnvrean. Whereupon, the watch-presenter trembled, bought a chronometer, and sent it to the M.H.R. It won't teJl the time, and' it isn't jewelled. The back action is all right, and it has been "chased." Still, the politician loves it, for it sihows how constant dropping will at last soften the stoniest heart.

An ingenious gentleman has been among the wheat-sellers of the colony bowing tares with great liberality. He told the agriculturists that he came fiom St. Helens, the home of the great pill — and Mr. Seddon. He knew the foimula, having worked in the factory. He would sell the pills at Is per 100. He did a roaring trade. The celebrated pills were gathered from the tares in the farmers' own paddocks. They are not so effective as the soap aloes, and ginger kind. * * * The lady who foi 2s 6d, to be sent to X.Y.Z., G.P.O (any city), will describe to you youi life's future partner, and all that sort of thing, judging by the continuance of these ads. in the papers, must do fairly well. Note the procedure. Madame Qs headquarters in Wellington aren't known to a soul in the city — except the money-order clerks. Madame X's headquarters in Auckland may be Mrs. Brown, Smith. Jones, or Robinson to Aucklanders. All these harpies advertise in distant papers. The harm these people do socially, the illegality of the proceedings, and' the deception practised should! spur the police on to an effort to root them out' — and make them do something honest for a livino-. * * • "Dr." Wrights patients will have to act along as best they oan without him for a bit. He desii-es us to announce to tthe%>bility and gentry of Wellington ■fhnt fill his engagements are "off." as he is indisposed. * * * Poor, decadent old Britain which is be in or entirely routed industrially by America ,md all that sort of thins. Second only to the building of the Pyramids, or the. ronstTUction of the a rent Nile dam. is the proposed building; <n four bncre tuinfls undef "East "River f ■ niT. Npw York to Tontr Island. l J >o-;neer Bull is puttino- them th'-on<rh Toll" still survives n,n.d Innfhs qf -svi-int iijjc ho<?n otia'i^tiv te'TOeri +^ a A™o''i" nrprihalns alinm'sts who nrpdict the industrial destruction of Britm'n * * * A r>ropos of the periodicalanpeairanre in this ooiuntiv of medical brigands, who sell coloured 1 water — and patients — hnve 3 srlorious time and pet away with mn^h monp^ a well-known crentleman. in the public entertainment line has fnven us a cqTI. He had a little tR7e V> ""W" 1 Did' we* know that a certain individual who reaped a splendid harvest of gold in New Zealand, has been a Government servant? No, we didn't. Well, cur informant had seen him eighteen months ago in Tasmania, where he pursued the "healina art" and gold, doing work for His Maiestv. All over a case of false pretences. Instead of the beautiful black frock ooat, and the immaculate "bell-topper." he wore, for several months, a rather ill-fitting sac suit, with little arrows on it. The presence of a person in blue, with a eun, is, of course one of those little ceremonial details which the medical man relieves to be quite unnecessary.

The election of a Road Board, winch toOiv place a week ago at the Upper Moutere (Nelson) piesented a somewhat unusual feature 1 . Six members bad 1 to oe elected, and the eight candidates consisted of six Germans, and two Englishmen. In Upper Moutere, comprising as it does the German villages of Neudorf (anghce Newtown) and Sarau, the Teutons could easily have formed a little " Reichstag " or "Land-tag" by putting in their own six. In this event the Road Board could very easily have conducted its proceedings in German, and written out its minutes in English. But the election did not so pass into history, and, as a result of the poll, one John Bull and five Teutons were returned. We are assured that "Bull," who came fourth in the voting, will not be a "foreigner" in the midst of the kind-hearted Lutherans he has been chosen to work with. • * * The fatal fascination that the bland and handsome Chinese vegietab'le vendoi exerth over the heart ot the white lady does not always last. For instance, a Southern) Ohmanian, who was before the Oouit the othei day, was asked if it wasn't true ins wife left him on his wedding-day — after the ceremony. The Cnoiw blushed, and said that it was quite true. Mis. Goui Way had left for Wellington — on her ihioneymoon. As for him, he was too busy toting turnips around to go with her. She has been honeymooning awa-c from him ever since, and the Ohnnaman's business has p/revented 1 him coming to Wellington to look for her. • • • Dear Lance.— l think you would have enjoyed a good laugh if you saw what I saw on the last day of the Hutt races. I was hurrying along to the station to catch the 3.30 p.m. train for Wellington. When passing the public school, which is about opposite the hotel, my attention was drawn to some schoolon lldren, who seemed to be enjoying some great joke. I looked around to bee what the fun was caused by, and saw a Maori damsel making great attempts to mount her bicycle. She had been having a good time, and it was obvious that she had been indulging in the "cup that cheers," for she was what mv bmall brother would call "top heavy." • ♦ • The children were much amused at hen- efforts to get a start and were "barracking" for all they were worth, which seemed to make her very angry and double determined. After many vain efforts, she at last succeeded in mounting and rode as quickly as ever she could right through the small crowd, crviner derisively, as she did so, "You go home tell your mudder wash your dirty face!" And so rode off in triumph. How those children scattered themselves! It was a very comical affair. Perhaps. I should point the moral of the tale, and ask, in virtuous indignation, who thus bieaks the law by supplying strong drink to a Maori woman ? But. I leave that to others. — Yours, etc.. Patience.

Mr. John Plimmer, the nonagenaiian "Fattier ot Wellington," who, as defendant in a ca&e brought by Dr. Cliapple, Iht well-known medico, is lather moie in the public eye than usual, has foui surviving sons, all well known to Wellmgtomaus. Mi. Isaac Phmmei, the eldest son, is a patriarch of nearly seventy, who has long since retired fiom business. He has no family. Mr. Henry Phmmei, also not a young man, is the father of a young family none of whom, as ret, are of business age. The same may be said of Mr. Charles of that ilk * • * Mr. J. A. Phmmei , perhaps the bestknown of the family, is manager of the Wellington Tinware Company. His eon "W. R. " is engaged in the same business, and "A B. " another son, 15 manage*' of the Northern Insurance Company, of Perth (West Australia). The late Mr. William Plimmer who vas a son of the "Father of Wellincrton," is the father of Hairrv Plimmer. the well-known actor, and Harcus Plimmer, also once connected with the "profession," but now a member of the literary staff of the "New Zealand Times." * * * A young man of splendid phisique Took his girl for a row on the oreeque , He stole a sweet kiss Then the perky young miss Said "You're rode; you're an impudent sneaque." You read with interest of the Sherlock Holmes-like sagacity with which the police followed a clue, and caught a Maori burglar at Whakatane? In entering a house, the Maori, who waiS barefooted stepped on a bottle of gum. The footprint thus left led to has arrest. He was caught several days after, and dried gum was found on hi® foot.* It is eloquent of the Maori's abhorrence of water. He will — when he gets out of gaol — piobably wash- himself sometimes. * * * Rather hard for a man to get the "sack" after working for one employei for fifty years. Read 1 of a case in which an old cowman at Home, who had tended the beasts of one master for half-a-century, was "put off." He had no billet to go to, and he sti aiehtway died of a broken heart. His last words weie, "My poor cows." If he had been in New Zealand, an appointment to the Legislative Council would have kept him in bread and cheese. * • * The lady had fallen down, and displaced her kneeKjap. The doctoi was distant. Messenger despatched on horseback. Doctor out. Long wait. Lady left in house alone. Suddenly a rap. Ah, ha' At last, the doctor. There oame m a smart young man, who walked straight in, deposited his hat and hand-bag, and bowed to the lady. The injured' woman, wasting no time, promptly uncovered her injured kneejoint, and asked the visitor to examine it. The latter looked aghast. He did not seem to understand. The good lady, noticing his astonishment, asked "Aren't you Dr. So and So?" The visitor answered "No mi( ln " 1 there's been a mistake somewhere , I'm the piaaio-tuner I" Curtain'

The idea that the temperance drink of our time is satuiated with alcohol is taking hold of the tempei ance societies, and even the. Victoi ian Alliance is thinking of staitmg a crusade against the accursed tempeiance drink, and beseeching the people to look not upon the gmeer-ale when it frotheth and lendeth us oolofur to the cup, and also to abjure q npei-ale, and swear neither to taste, touch, nor handle the insidious rasplerry vinegar and the soul-destroying pop. It is tenible to think that all this while the teetotallers have been expending theu 1 energy in abusing the spirits and colonial beer of commerce, while the ginger-ale of childhood was spreading the seeds of intemperance abroad in the land.

Medical matters are of surprising interest to Wellingtoniaiis at this particular juncture. Reminds us that doctors in the back-blocks of New Zealand aae few and faer between. Only last week, at Pakaiewa, a man died under circumstances suggesting that he might have been saved had he lived nearer a town. One buoohc witness at the inquest was asked why a doctor wasn't called. He replied that to get a doctor entailed a ride of thirty-five miles along bush tracks. "What do you do then in cases of severe illness," was asked by the coroner, "if you can't get a doctor p " "Oh, we just dies a natural death'" replied the bucolic.

The tact that a party of young Englishmen, who have been on a walking tour of New Zealand, saying that they ere delighted with the possibilities of the milk trade, reminds us that in 1899 a Londoner, who had never hitherto seen any country that wasn't covered with bricks and mortar, got a billet with a Wairaiapa farmer. He stayed about two days. Returning to Wellington, he explained the reason of his disgust to a friend. "Well, y3y 3 see, cully, when I was in Lunnon I used to get milk from a nice, clean shop. In tli is 'ere country they squeezes it out of a beastly cow." As you may see, he wasn't exactly cut out to give an opinion on agricultural subjects.

The tram was "speeding" down the Quay. A ''drunk" lurched forwaad, and successfully boarded' it. Said the guard "You shouldn't have got on the car while in motion." "How the divil," said the passenger, a son of Ei wi, "could I get on it if I wasn't in motion?" "But, I mean," said 1 the guard, "you shouldn't "have got on the car. while it was in motion." "Oh, well, why didn't you tell me," was tshe reply • "how was Ito know it was- in motion P»

One of the political land nationalisation campaigners, who is "doing" the youth just now ,is a great hand with a e;un. While at arid Ashburton, a farmer friend promised liitn sport. Out, therefore, they sallied, with agitated finger on the deadly trigger, ready to make meat of anything in the fur or feather line. Rounding a fence, there scooted across the country a beast that, in th© judicial mind of the politician, was a hare. He closed his eyes, and pulled both triggers. "We have got him !" he yelled with delight. "Yes, you silly ass that's one of my Berkshire sucklings — piuze breed !" hissed the host in an intense whisper, leading him away to where the visit might be less expensive.

There is a hteiaiy person in New Zealand who came from the Old Land last year, who ought to be editing the greatest daily in the world. He called into an Auckland office in January, and suggested that if the editoir was thinking of taking to pick and shovel work, 1 1 about to die, he was the sort of fellow who would just about illuminate his vacated candle-box. "What are your qualifications?" abked the manager. "I knew all the literary men of England," replied the applicant. "You must know Dickens, then?" asked the manager. "I was a reporter with Dickens." "And Thackeray?" "I helped Thackeray with his 'Book of Snobs.'" "And Tennyson?" "I have broken many a pipe with Tennyson." "And George Eliot ?" "I roomed with him." Strangely enough, the applicant for that billet is cleaning boots a.v a Wellington hotel now. • • • Presence of mind in the face of appalling danger characterised the action of a Wellington man the other day. There has, for some reason or other, been several water-bursts in the streets lately — miniature Waimangus, playing beautifully in the sunshine. One burst in. Arthur-street, and played' beautifully into a little sihofD where it soon began to make a soiggy mess, of things. The despairing shopkeeper knew not what to do, but a brilliant friend, with terrific presence of mind, went out and smashed the fire alarm. In a few seconds the Fire Brigade arrived, ready to throw could water on things. The fireman, howeiver, brought Turncock "Jimmy" Ward with them. It is his duty k> "turn out" to fires. He at once quelled the tempest. If we did. not know from personal experience that tihe firemen of Wellington were a pious corporation, we should suggest thaib they expressed themselves in words of flame.