Entre Nous

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 197, 9 April 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous

THE latest on dit about Kmg Dick is that he may take the AgentGeneralship from next session, leaving the Hon. W. P. Reeves free to return to New Zealand and re-enter politics. Well, we shall see. Richard doesn't seem to be in any hurry about packing up his traps. The other report that nis health is impaired seems to be well-founded. King Dick alluded to it himself in his speech at Masterton on Monday. No wonder if he does feel rather run down. Look at the immense amount of work he crams into his working day. * ■* * Week in, week out, he turns up with wonderful regularity at the usual backblocks banquet, and, after worrying through the battalions of deputations that dog his movements and spread themselves over his doormat, he manages to find time enough to drop King Ted a few words of friendly advice, to warn the Czar and the Mikado to keep off his particular plot of grass, and to let President Roosevelt Enow that the Pacific still belongs to New Zealand. There is a growing feeling that the Great Powers have a secret understanding that no pains are to be spared to keep King Dick out of the succession to the Throne of England. Perhaps, that explains why be doesn't go Home to enjoy all the honours that are being simply thrust upon him. Joking apart, everyone will be glad if Mr. Seddon will put the brake hard down for a few weeks, and give his iron constitution a chance. • • • Society item from a New York weekly : "The Duke of Borrow-and-Holde is expected in this country within a week. If his friends oan keep him sober long enough, it is hoped that another American girl may be made happy." » » ♦ Mr. Cumin, formerly law draftsman, was referred to at St. Patrick's College luncheon, the other Sunday, as having been of great service to his country and "St. Pat's." Ever heard of his successor ,'s (Mr. Joliffe) service to his country. It happened some time ago. A son and heir was added to the Joliffe family, and the proud parent had raised the infant shoulder high for purposes of photography. The photo was handed round to members of the House. Scotsmen are proverbially devoid of humour, so, when the picture srot to Ashburton McLachlan, that jovial old soul proved the exception to the rule by endorsing it, "The law draftsman and his little Bill." It travelled along until it came to wit number two, to wit .the Premier. Richard John wrote, "This Bill was not authorised bv the Government." After "little Bill," little Bill's photo, so endorsed, is Mr. Joliffe's dearest possession.

a Wellington merchant, who has just leturned from Rotorua, says that one ot the attractions there is the Johnny who comes from Home to have rheumatics and things boiled out of him. He is known by his effeminate ways and his diawl and other inanities, and affords great amusement to the lookers-on and the listener. People up there like to see him, and hear him talk, and Mr. Donne has been offered the suggestion that a consignment now and then of the freaks should be scatteied about the place for show purposes. » • * The Johnny is always calling the guide, only he doesn't say "guide"— he calls him " gaede." It happened that the other day the Wellington man was one of a party who were being shown lound, and included in the number was one of the lnimit*ables," who had the guide to himself pretty well all the time. It was "gaede" here and "gaede" there, and "gaede" everywhere, and those of the paity who did not follow the Johnny had to fossick for themselves. The Wellington man stood it as long as he could, and then went in for retaliation. He shouted "gaede" twice to the Johnny's one, and so perfect was the imitation that the party were convulsed. * * « The Johnn^ wanted to know who the "impertinent cweatchah" was and the Wellington man answered foi himself. "I am," he said, "the J.M.P.W. of the colony." "Oh — ah— indeed ; ah —what is that?" "The Junior Minister for Public Works." The Johnny collapsed. "Oh — all — I see." he said apologetically, "vewy pweased to meet you." There was no more "gaede" that day from Johnny from England. • * • They sing "The man behind the gun," "The man behind the plough," "The man behind the pick," and some I can't lemember now. But far more numerous than all Who've furnished stuff for rhymes, You'll find m each community "The man behind the times." • * * In a recent touching tribute to Mr. Aitken, in which the municipal happenings for the coming year are forecast, the "Post" indicates that his WoTship i.= about to destroy some of the work he )s alleged to be responsible for. Says the "Post" .— ' The tramways and street-blocking are going on. apace, and will be opened by the Mayor in a month or two." If anyone sees his Worship abroad with a piok, opening up the newly-laid blocks, they should report the matter to the police at once. • • • Chopping matches are favourite and useful competitions at country sports meetings. The Lance stood by and watched a handicap chop in the Wairarapa during the Easter holidays. A spidery-looking chap, with, drum-stick arms, and an axe head set on the very end of the handle, was being barracked for by many friends. "I'll bet Billy Scarf can chop any bloke here!" said one of "Billy's" barrackers. "Yes, but he can't chop wood" ejaculated^ a weighty Maori, with intense solemnity. And the fact that "Billy" broke his axehandle at the fourth belt proved the truth of the Maori's conclusion.

Owing to the prevalence of sheepstealing down South, farmers have been in the habit of hunting stray muttons out quickly so that no suspicion may attach to themselves. One farmer, early in the morning one day last week, was enraged to notice that one of his paddocks was apparently covered with sheep As he was a cattle man, he knew they weren't his, so he sent his dogs to chase them out. Watching the dogs go round the "mob," he was astonished to notice that the sheep didn't move. He took a stroll across, and found that the "sheep" were mushrooms. Bit of a variation of the fish lie, anyhow. Kempthorne, Prosser, and Co.'s Chnstchurch warehouse was burnt twelve years ago. Why? Well, they do say that the sapient Council of .the Saintly Gity had, a day or two before, denied the Fire Brigade the privilege of driving its horses at a greater speed than a trot. As the Brigade jogged alonpf in leisurely fashion, the out-house in which the fire originated -just threw a flare or two at the main building, and burnt it up. Which reminds us that, while Wellington has a splendidly able Brigade, the said Brigade is entirely too small to cope with a big fire. Also, its plant is not increased as the city extends. It requires to be doubled. Ask Superintendent Hugo. • • • An up-country parson, somewhat in the public eye of late, is a Shetlander, and retains his native accent ill all its pristine beauty. One is reminded of the low moan of the ocean when he preaches, or of the wail of the Highland bagpipes. His congregation usually number about fifteen, but the stern, unbending Puritan never relaxes in length or severity. H^s texts are often quaint, and the sermon much to the point. "The little foxes . . . which spoil the grapes," was one of his hits. The preacher proceeded • "There's the fox of nationalism, and the fox of incredulity, and the fox of Sawbath breaking, and the fox of dancing, and the fox of gambling, and the fox of intemperance, and the fox of ignorance, and the fox of greed, and the fox of beauty, and the fox of money, and many other foxes, some of them big foxes, and some of them little foxes, and some of them wild foxes, and some of them tame foxes, and some foxes with tails,, and some of them with no tails at aalandl — and all of them sly — ah ' so sly — so very sly — wait ing to destroy the grapes." * • * The congregation was so deeply impressed, that ail returned in the evening, when the text was "My love has dove's eyes." The preacher lit out as follows • — "My love has dove's eyes, beautiful eyes, ' winning eyes, winking eyes, dove's eyes. Ah! you should see her. You should see her eyes — clever eyes, witty eyes, pretty eyes. Sou should v, atch her — watch her eyes ; entrancing eyes, delightsome eyes, dove's eyes. Oh, lam sick of love. Those eyes! Sweetest eyes, killing eyes." Needless to say, marriages multiplied in his parish 30 per cent. Men learned to look on "eyes." Who would say that the pulpit has lost its power?

Auckland did not follow the example of Glasgow, where the tram-cars are not decorated with advertisements, and where they are ran entirely for the benefit of the people. Every car sbouts in large letters the value of somebody's skin bloom, the purity of Dinkum's Tea, or the excellence of Straightwire's Sausages. Also, the universal cigarette gets a show. During a recent visit, we noticed' a dear old lady standing on the corner of Wynd-ham-street, watching the cars flash past. She would dodge out into the road, with half-upraised umbrella, but would retire in disgust. We asked her where she wanted to go. "Well," she jeplied, "I want to go to Ponsonby, but all these cars seem to be going to Vanity Fair!" • • * If New Zealand can beat this, she can, lick the world. Transpires that at Gibraltar £42,000 was spent in cutting out a store for ammunition. The gentlemen who had the Government money to spend found that they didn't want the store for ammunition, so they spent another £47,000 in transforming it into a meat store. For which John Bull's little children pay. • • • The post-sessional political orator had confounded the politics of the Government. He swelled 1 up his chest, and started in to frustrate their knavish tricks. He beamed with pleasure. He had been able to answer every question hurled at him without droppine an "h." Stepping confidently ta the footlights, he asked the Canterbury crowd, "Is there anyone else who would like to ask me a question?" Then, a gentleman, with his watch in his hand, arose, "What time does the train for Timaru go, Mr. Ell ?" ♦ * * The following advertisement, clipped from the Otaki "Mail," is inserted free of cost- — "Melanesian Mission. — Mrs. Simcox will gladly receive contributions, either in money, or sauces, jams, pickles, etc., to be packed in a box to be given to the Bishop of Melanesia when he comes through Otaki on the sth April. Same can be left at 'Mail* Office." Suggests that his Lordship of Melanesia had an expansive appetite, which he will endeavour to assuage with pickles, jams, and money or sauces. Maybe, the money, which is to be packed into a box, is really for the comforts of the heathens, or whatever they are, at Melanesia. . If the condiments are meant for the said heathens, Mrs. Simcox isn't treating the heathens' digestive apparatus in a kind manner, and if the Bishop is to live on jam sauces, pickles, etc., he has a dyspeptic time in store. * * * The "etc." to be contained among money and other things in the box is comprehensive. His Lordship might be made the instrument in the hands of Providence to convey all sorts of surprise packets not wanted at home to the flocks of Melanesia. A heathen with a likine for jam and soft tack would be less likely to pander to an appetite for missionary steak, and, perhaps, the philanthropic lady advertiser seeks to wean him from the error of his appetite by means of rival relishes.

Vital statisticians who worry us with bushels of figures showing us that m less than no time there will be nobody left to reap the fruits of the land, hold your breath! On Easter Monday thirty-two Wellington ladies swore to "love, honour," etc., thirty-two men. Easter is a particularly appropriate time for an assension into heaven." Poss bly, thirty-two girls enjoyed, the ceremo ny veiy much, and thirty-two men felt as if they would 1 ke to be struck down by a friendly axe. If the average man had his way, the marriage ceremony would occupy ten minutes, and the' Registrar would do the deed. # • • Not all marriages are happy. Wherefore the memory of the flourish usually made must be often bitter in after years. A lot of money spent in wedding cake will be wanted some day tor plain bread. The average man knows this, but he daren't say so. The ladies who engineer the wedding, in which the bridegroom is an unconsidered speck, unworthy of a passing glance, would denounce him as a beast. Ordinary folk will yet lealise that Mary Ann Jones nee Smith is not going to wash dishes and babies in a "lovely gown of white duchesse satm, trimmed with chiffon ruehings," or words to that effect. It is the disappointment of the lives of most working women to remember in after years, in looking at the photographic wedding group, that "Bill never buys me a dress like that now-a-days. But, cheer up. Thirty-two weddings in Welhna^on in one day show, at any rate, that marriage is by no means a failure. The "Post," a propos of something or other a day or two ago, told somebody or other to "cast thy bread upon the waters and it shall return after many days." A couple of months ago the Lance told a little tale about the ways of the househunter. The Lance painted up the little argosy, and ornamented it, stuck up its little sail, and let it drift. It's been drifting round for about eight weeks. It has just brought up against the local columns of the "Post," none the worse for its long voyage. Really, the "Post" locals are most interesting. We gladly welcome the return of the little wanderer. • » • It is a pretty scathing indictment of our defences to learn that there are only four volunteer corns in the colony whose arms have been passed as "clean" by the armourers. Most of the fellows with dirty rifles have bright buttons and shiny boots. You'll find that the best shooting corps is the corps with the cleanest arms. A gun with the rifling eaten -with cordite isn't a dependable weapon. A propos of (rood shooting corps, the Wellington "D" Battery has a right to "chuck a chest." In the returns just published its fieldgun shooting shows that at the last annual training the battery nut on 98 out of a possible 100 points — the highest for the colony's field artillery. In 1902 the number of points was 96 out of 100 and in 1901, 77 out of 80. The "D's" are just frothing for the Russians to bob up over the veldt.

An innocent country paper notified that lost articles advertised for could be left at that office. They were watches, rings, jewels rich and rare, and a. sorts of things. A dog was lost. "Please return to this office. The dog rlulv came to hand. He was a well-grown, bull-pup, and he showed hi® thankfulness for the accommodation by taking a mouthful of the devil's apron. They tied him up to a bench, and he howled for six days. The eomps used to dare each other to run the gauntlet. The editor waited in vain for the owner of the lost dog. At last he came. He was escorted" to the bull-pup. "That ain't my dog!" he md.gnantly said, and it wasn't. Then, the inspector came around, and demanded the license fee from the editor. The editor is not approachable just now. • • » In this connection, a dear old soul has been writing to the medical men telling them of the benefits she has derived from Badger's Balm for Burst Boils. Says she has used the Balm for skin troubles, bruises, and cracked hands. She avers she can lecommend these articles for, in years of experience, she has never seen thenequal. Anyone requiring skin troubles, burns, and chapped hands, should apply at once, as the available stocks are limited and the demand stupendous. • • • Bishop Neligan • "The moment you ally the holy name of God with the base tricks of the politician you strike a blow from which the nation can never recover, at least for many generations." • * * There is a perspiring doctor from the Cape very busy just now chasing; his frisky eloping wife round the world. It seems that by the 'Frisco boat before last a sedate, matter-of-fact couple, looking old enough to be grand-parents, arrived at Auckland, and put up at one of the fashionable hotels. The gentleman was of imposing military appearance, and the lady had all the graces of matronhood. After seeing the sights for a week or two, and attracting much admiring notice, they took their departure Home, whither the military gent, alleged that he was called bv important business. Next 'Frisco mail steamer brought along a wild-eyed, angry man, who had been almost round the world hot-foot on the tracks of his middle-aged wife, who had levanted! with a dashing militaire. He was a doctor from the Cape. It is stated that some time ago his wife pleaded ill-health, and took a trip to England 1 few the purpose of visiting her friends. At the same time, one of the military officers at the Cape left on extended furlough. The lady's visit to her relations did not come off, but she and the military gent, took passage for the States. Thither, as soon as he was apprised of the event, the doctor followed the eloping pair, and thence crossed the Pacific in, their wake. In Auckland he has called a brief halt for the purpose of collecting evidence for the Divorce Court.

Another Robert Louis Stevenson is lost to the world in a Taranaki publican, who has a word or two to say about his whisky. Thus his advertisement: — "The spirit of wind and sunshine and golden grain of Bonnie Scotland pervades it. Mellow by years, and its strength reduced only by age. Still.- as it trickles over the palate, it conveys to the brain the soul of the yellow-bearded barley and the wind that shakes it and the golden sunshine that ripples over it. Old friends, old folks, old times, and old whiskey." Next time we're in Taranaki — but theie, we anticipate! Not nice to see a foundered horse turned out for a fortnight to waste with agony, and then to be dragged for h aid whipped because he couldn't walk fast enough. That's what happened to a big chestnut horse at Kilhirme lately. Many irresponsible youths in charge of horses in Wellington lack any bowels of compassion. Horse-owners who don't understand Ihat a badly-foundered horse is fit only for the knackers, ought not to have horses. Perhaps, if whippers of foundered horses inserted some red-hot nails in their feet, and asked someone to get behind with a serviceable whi^ the^ might learn how a horse feels under the circumstances. Wellington is specially cruel. March 31st, just past, was the fourth amiversary of the Sanna's Post disaster in Africa, during which bloody engagement seventeen New Zealand soldiers were taken prisoner bv the B:ers. During the three days' trek from Thabanchu to Wynberg, several New Zealanders who were ill at time of captuie all but "passed out." Piet de Wot, who was in charge of the prison train (a very laige one, alas!) was informed that one New Zealander, who had enteric fever, would practically starve to death unless he had milk. The general himself scoured the country on horseback, and returned an hour or two later w.th three water-bottles full of milk. But for that milk, a certain youno; Southland farmer, who got married a week or two ago, would have had no wedding. r- * * Mr. Felix Tanner, of "Ark" notoriety, chose April Ist as the day on which to make an announcement that his second "Ark" is almost ready to launch. Felix is going to brave the perils of the great waters in a unique-shaped vessel, eighteen feet long, and it hasn't yet been notified if the authorities value Felix's life more than he himself does. Seems to us that Felix is too fond of toying with his life. Experiments in hanging, fasting, and sailing in small and cranky crafts over, he is still alive. Seems, however, that people don't heroworship this sort of person as much' as formerly since Buckeridge went away — finally. Many excellent stories about land values float around, and some are true. Not long ago a man offered his farm to a prospective buyer for £750. There was no sale. The valuer came along;

valued it at £675. The indignant owner thereupon complained publicly that the very highest value that could be put upon it was £520. Whereupon, the prospective buyer offered to give that sum on the nail. Again no business was done. * * « More sensational was a Masterton incident of last week. An indignant settler publicly scarified a valuer for what he called the excessive valuation of his land. To show the owner that he considered his valuation just, the officer offered to buy it there and then, for the price he had assessed it at. The bargain was concluded at once, and the ex-owner had the melancholy duty of going home to tell the "missus aad the k ds" that they had no place to lay their heads after the 4th of next month. Masterton settlers, however, are hoping that the valuer will buy the whole countryside at his own figure, just to uphold his reputation.