Entre Nous.

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 195, 26 March 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous.

AWELTNGTON eonespondent to a country papei lets tlic people know that the man "maul" sei vant is firmly established in Wellington Mentions a man who has been a "general" for years, who stipulates that he must have every afternoon off in order to "do the block" attired immaculately, w^th. a straw "boater," stick, gloves, cigar stump, and button-hole. He has done his parade for years. He gets up early in the morning, and is a "whale" for work, leaving the house in perfect order before he. goes out to "give the girls a tieat." Seems likely that the gentleman indicated has been long the bearer of a facetious medical appellation. You know him ? Thought he had petered out as "copy" years ago. * • • Red tape. Bottle Lake Infectious Diseases Hospital attendants are not allowed to write letters to be sent out of the hospital. The regulations compel the giving of a receipt by the said attendants before they can get their salary. Not being allowed to write, they couldn't get their salary. Consequently, the authorities may postpone payment indefinitely. It hasn't occurred to anybody yet that a letter leaving the hospital is as easily disinfected as a medical officer. * * » Larrikins recently tried very hard to wrench the little turnstile between Kent and Cambridge Terraces out of its socket. Although they deserve a birching, and all that kind of thing, it reminds us that the alleged garden to which the turnstile is an entrance is the most dilapidated bit of eyesore in Wellington. Funereal trees," bounded by a rotting fence hung with rusty chains that clank, gives one a creepy feeling. It is to be hoped that the Council will not let a new tram be disgraced by having to pass so drear a place. It might be made picturesque enough. Certainly a permanent ornamental iron fence is necessary. • • • A New Zealand judge who was asked by a many-times-convicted prisoner to let him down lightly because he had always been well-behaved in goal, replied that only men of his stamp knew the value of good behaviour while in prison, and consequently kept quiet. Leads one to the conclusion that the "bad eggs" outside are the best men inside. Printed that during the past year there have been no offences committed by prisoners in Lyttelton Gaol, a record for twelve years On the showing of the judge, the prisoners must be about the worst lot known for twelve years. Comforting logic, anyhow.

As Sir Joseph Ward lemarked lecently, it says something for the attractions oi New Zealand when the Governor can find spots in it he has never before visited. .For instance, His Excellency the other day visited Wairoa (North Island) and the local magnates \\eir> glad. It is thirty years since a Goveinor looked in on them. The late Sn George Grey was the last who so honoured the way-back township. * * * You have often wondered, of course, at the occasionally brusque demeanour of civil servants in the big public offices, and you have mai veiled how such an easy billet should tiy anybody's nerves. "Who sent you this money order?" a polite clerk may ask over the counter. "Mother." "What is her name?" "Same name as me." "But what's her Christian name ?" Then the man thinks the clerk is insulting his mother, and the clerk is informed that "he'll get the sack," or something dreadful like that. *■ * * On© day a while ago a Chinaman staggered into the Savings Bank with an oatmeal bag very full and very heavy. It contained pennies and halfpennies, and the Mongolian wanted to place them to his account. Of course, the office refused to take them. Thus the Chinaman "Wha foh? I give a, Chinyman half-a-clown to bhng 'em long now I give 'em nuttier half-a-clown to take 'em way. My word, I tellee Dick Seddon!" * * • On one occasion, a lady took thirtysix Jubilee sovereigns, and deposited them in the Savings Bank in the usual w?-- Six months later the lady called, and demanded her jubilee gold. Her indignation when she found that the office hadn't separately wrapped each coin in tissue paper pending the time when she should lift that identical money, was very terrible. It took a great deal of eloquence to persuade her to quit prancing round the office on Lambton Quay. * * # The Japanese are really only imitators and not originators. Their new national anthem goes literally: — "Scatter our enemies, Frustrate their knavish tiicks; Confound their polit.cs , God Save the Mikado '" * * • Education is moving on in New Zealand. Here is a letter which a local firm of bicycle merchants received last week from a backblocks customer — "Dear Sirs, — i receev de bicykel witch I by from you alrite but for why you dont send "me no saddel, wat is de use of de bicykel when She dont have no saddel. 1 am loose to me my kustomer sure ting by no having de saddel and dats not very pleasure for Me. Wat is de matter wit you, is not my moneys so good like annoder mans you loos to me my trade and 1 am very anger for dat an now I tells to you dat you are a dam fools and no good. i send to you back at wunce you bicykel tomorro for shurebekawse you are such a dam foolishness people. yours respeokfullee. P S. — since 1 rite dis letter i find de saddel in de box. excuse to me."

Able-bodied Wellington men have been accused of lushing the inadequate Corporation passenger conveyances. It is lemarkablv rude for a man to take a seat that a lady might occupy. A propos, a very wet man last Saturday morning got into a car, and sat down. Further down the street a woman got in, and the man arose with the invitation, "Won't you take this seat? I'm afraid it's very wet, though'" The woman looked at the seat critically, but didn't tnank the wet person. "Can't you wipe i+ for me?" she asked. But, an adamant man repented of his offer, and flopped back again. The smile of commendation that went round the car comforted the wet man. * # # Quaint advertisement from a daily paper: — "We have many favourite songs, but (a certain sausage) takes pride of place." The idea of a vocal sausage is eminently unique. * ♦ ♦ A lecturer who is counting noses down South, and who reads them when counted, unwittingly mentioned the term "old maids" to his audience last week. As the place was a small, drowsy village, the men folk originally belonging to which were away earning their living, nearly the whole of the audience rose indignantly, and prepared to depart. He was a smart fellow that lecturer. "As I before remarked," he said, "it is not only discourteous but offensive to call celibate ladies 'old' maids.' I piefer to call them 'unappropriated treasures.'" Whereupon a breathless female audience heard him to the bitter end.

Quaint to hear that the first prize for mounted cadets at the Palmerston North Show was won by a Boer boy. Charlie Craw ley, whose father was British (and a naturalised burgher), and w hose mother was Dutch, fought in the ordinary course for his mother's people, was picked up by the New Zealand Contingents, and came home with Captain Mitchell, of Hawera. The queer idea most of the papers have that Chariie fought for his own people much against his will, being "commandeered" (every Boer is commandeered), is misleading. Charlie, of course, had no rank in any of the Contingents, and was non-combatant. He merely preferred the less-exhaustmg work of trekking with the British. * * * Touching Dowie's assertion, made in America, and reiterated in Australia, that he can work miracles, an American paper says : — ' If you do not believe that Mr. Dowie can perform miracles, you should see him at a big dinner." * » * New Zealand boys are so fond of horses. Think of the little twelve-year-old kiddy of Auckland who mounted a grocer's cart, called for his boy friends, and drove them about all day. He thought he'd like a drive next day, too, so he let the nag go into the city's Domain. When he went to harness up in the morning, the horse wasn't there. So as not to disappoint his friends, he merely caught another loose horse, put him in the ong.nal cart, and had a glorious time. Whereupon, the police arrived, and nipped his little philanthiop c game in the bud, and the boy is in an industrial school. Auckland's police piosecuted a boy a short time ago for getting up in a Chinaman's cart and drivaig down the street. They concluded he'd "stolen" the outfit. The boy was e^ght years old. ♦ ♦ • A small Wellington parson has had the first adventure of nis life. He approached the house of a valued parishioner on St. Patrick's Day, with the intention of calling. As he neared the door a boy rather precipitately rushed out, holding a piece of bread and jam in his hand. "Mother in, Johnny?" inquired the parson. "Yes, Mr. Lastly , walk right in; don't knock!" Mr. Lastly walked right in. "You little vagabond , I'll give you something for stealing my jam !" and the robust lady banged the cleric's hat over his eyes, and whacked him several times with a toasting fork before she discovered her mistake. Some confused explanations about the misfortune of being "short, sighted" were offered, but, truth to tell, the clerical v.sit didn't last long that time. "The boy, oh, where was he?" * * * Queer suggestion from a Rangitikei paper is that the Government should import five hundred sample Zulu or Matabele girls as servants, the chiefs from whose tribe they come being responsible for their ability to do housework or something like that. The Rangitikei paper doesn't know the Matabele chiefs or the Zulu "inkoos" either. Firstly, even in Africa native girls as servants are quite uncommon. Although these splendid women are hearty, healthy, and unusually happy they are "property," and are owned by their fathers. They are worth from ten to fifteen bullocks apiece, and never leave the kraal of their father's chief until 11 a young fellow brings his cattle along. You've got as much chance of buying the Krokodil River, and setting it up in the Basin Reserve as of getting the girls of African native races to obtain the leave of their owners to travel. Now, if the paper had said Japs.

Southern school-children love then Premier. Before addressing several squads of youngsters down that way, King Dick "granted" them holidays Consequently whenever King Dick hove in sight terrific cheers rent the welkin. Extraordinary how most of the papers suggest the autocracy of the Premier. The probability is that King Dick asked the schoolmasters to grant the holidays. Of course, he couldn't give the kiddies a holiday off his own bat. He's not a dictator, is hhpe p * * * The exuberant "Cyclops," in the Mataura "Ensign," is surprised that although Dowie has called the press " razor - backed. swine," the inky porkers haven't poked him with weapons made in the same armoury. He remarks in sorrow: — "The press has not denounced him as a ranting, drivelling imbecile, exuding hatred, malice and all uncharitableness at every poi c , as being afflicted with a reprobate mentality, inflated to bursting point with insufferable bounce, pride, and self-sufficiency , as having the tongue of a costermonger, the instincts of a rag and bone merchant; being, in a word, an obese imposter and a whited sepulchre trimmed with arrogant whiskers. » * * "No, the press has called him none of these things, although it has plenty of time and space to do it in. It has simply spurned him as it would an exasperated blue-bottle or a petulant slug. lam content to respectfully dedicate him to the earnest wrath of Methodism at this present. I have served him up piping hot upon three consecutive occasions, consequently he is scarcely fit to send to table except as mmcc of curry and rice." * * * A hasty glance through the advertisement columns of a Sydney daily repays one • — "Wanted, by respectable girl, passage to Capetown. Willing to take charge of two children and a good sailor." "Mr. Smith, furrier, begs to announce that he will make capes, jackets, etc , for ladies out of their own skins." To Let. — Furnished apartments suitable for gentleman with folding doors." "Wanted, an organist and a boy to blow the same." * * * A Welhngtoman, who has laid down the pen to assume the axe in an upcountry bush, went to a race meeting last week, and tells us about it: — "For the Axemen's Maiden Plate there was a field of twelve, and they got away to a flying start. Mick Brady, on The Snaughraun (which horse was let off log-haulmg for the day) contested the race bitterly with Willie McGregor, both turning into the straight neck and neck. Mick tried to get the inside running, but Willie called him a bad name. Pat pulled up. So did Willie. Both hitched their horses to the nearest fence, and fought a sixround 'go.' The judge awarded the ( iace' to Mick, the rest of the field agreeing. Later, the Lady's Bracelet was run the judge declaring that, as he wasn't looking, it would have to be run over again. This was done. The man with the biggest ti-tree stick got home."

It doesn't help to cement any bonds of friendship between our Australian cousins and ourselves to suggest, as does a Christchurch paper, that the innumerable bike stolen in the holy city are taken by needy Australians and shipped to Sydney. On the whole, the Australian is getting to be too much of a scape-goat in this country, and it is time he was treated more decently. • • • The gaiety of nations will receive its death-blow when the country editor passes away. We didn't know the full extent of the annexations made by New Zealand until we stumbled across th-s in a Poverty Bay print: — "Notable athletes from Ireland, New South Wales, Queensland, Auckland, Hawke's Bay, and, in fact, from all the leading New Zealand centres being engaged in the various running events." Mr. Seddon, having at last arranged to govern Ireland, New South Wales, and Queensland, will be at once able to settle the Home Hule question, the Kanaka slave trade, and arrange for the immediate suppression of all droughts.

From Africa's sunny shore. A lady, treated as "undesirable," was not allowed to land at Durban. She offered £300 to any man who would marry her there and then, and so qualify her for admittance to the "Grave of Reputations." Sixty men, all of the "out-of-work" class (according to our correspondent) turned up. But, the ship blew its hoots, and steamed away to England with its rich prize. * * * It is remarkable that a horse damaged, a dog poisoned, a cow struck by lightning, is always a "valuable animal" when its obituary comes to be written. A propos, a suburban resident has housed a mongrel until he's of registration age. Last week, he strolled round and tried to give the dog away. Nobody would have him, naturally and he despaired. Seems the dog had a penchant for fowls, and that a fowl fancier laid poison. Seems also that the dog took the poison, and "passed out." The dog's owner heard of it, and demanded compensation for the loss of his "valuable dog," which had won prizes at every dog show in New Zealand, or words to that effect. Result, a solatum of £2 10s. The fowl owner, having heard that the dog owner tried to give the dog away, wants gore.

Spontaneous warmth and camaraderie are the prevailing features of the annual Festival Day at St. Pat's College. Last Sunday's luncheon was no exception. From the right jovial, big-bearded Rector (Father Keogfr to the youngest old boy "the day they celebrated" brought pictures of a green ould sod before the eyes of the assembled ones. lhe Rector, in giving the toast of the "Pope and King," feelingly referred to the splendid services of King Edward, who by visiting Ireland, and taking great interest in the people had earned their love and smoothed away many difficulties • ♦ • The aged Mr. Cumin, formerly law draftsman, whom the Rector referred to as one of the truest friends the College ever had. is over seventy, and somewhat feeble The old gentleman's appearance and kindly-spoken words were received with much heartiness. bir Joseph Ward, who was in his happiest vein and made the speech of the afternoon, remarked that he had received a wire from the Hon. Mr. Carroll, who was escorting the Governor thrown the King Country. "Hrmi" had said, "All through the trip we have been kissing nature," which is eminently Carrollesque, and very nice for His Excellency andHimi. » * All present seemed to be looking forward to a brighter era for the distressful country. It is necessary to go to an Irish gathering at St. Pat's to see Irishmen who don't allow distressful looks to mar good fellowship. What that muchbeloved priest and former Rector of the College (Dr. Watters) achieved has been amplified by his successor, Father Keoph, and St. Patrick's College still maintains the high reputation it has always held for good fellowship among teachers and taught, and sound teaching for the students. • * * Mr. Henry A. Wright, who is a walking cyclopedia on suburban land values, and a regular hustler for "biz," has left the office of Mr. A. M. Stuart, and is now identified with Mr. H. E. Leighton. Mr. Wright has a strong faith m the prosperous future that lies ahead of che marine suburbs across the water, and he has played his part in helping to accelerate the pace towards that future. * * Capt. Archibald and Lieuts. Wood and Sedgwick have every reason to feel proud of the Petone Naval Artillery, and the Pets, on their part, will swear to a man that Mr. Archibald is "a right good captain too." These remarks are a propos of the splendid record disclosed in the anual report of the corps. A company of volunteers which qualifies 74 men. out of 78 for capitation, and wins efficiency badges for 71 out of the 78 (entitling them to a further payment of £1 each), with assets worth £1272, and which converts a debit of £41 inside the year into a credit of £36, and boasts a credit of £104 in the private account, may he called a regular corns d'elite. At any rate, there are no flies on it by any manner of means. Remember also that for two successive years the Petone Navals have come out on top of the colony in the firing from the big guns in the forts. This year s results are not yet to hand, but, in view of the fact that the Petone men have beaten last year's figures, there is much reason for expecting that they are still on top.

The Railway Department notifies the issue of excursion tickets from any station to any station, on the Welhng-tcn-Napier-New Plymouth section during the coming Easter holidays. Ihe attention of intending passengers is diawn to the fact that both ordinary and holiday excursion tickets issued 1 at an-v> station, between Te Aro and Masterton inclusive, to any station, between Te Aro and Masterton. inclusive, will uot be available bv the mail trains on 30th and 31st March and Ist, 2nd, 4th, and sth April. Additional trains will be run between Te Aro and 1 Masterton <,o meet the local passenger traffic, the mail trains being reserved for through and long-distance passengers. • • * The establishment of a regular 'bus service making four trips a day, between Miramar and the city is the very thing that was needed to popularise the coming suburb. And the fare—fourpenoe each way — makes it by far the cheapest ride out. The sea-vice started on Monday last, and its usual termini are Karak'a-road, Miramar (where a row of new villas has just been built) and the Government Buildings, Wellington. People in quest of residences will be glad to note by advertisement elsewhere that the Miramar Building and Investment Company have several new and commodious ones to let at low rents.