Entre Nous.

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 193, 12 March 1904, Page 12

Entre Nous.

NOBODY knew, until the tiainway contract began, that gutters were made for tramrails. Some kind - souled newspaper man a while back patted the contractors on the back inkily for being so overpoweringly o-ood as to light up the stacks of ironmongery. Take a stroll up Tinakon-road. There the rails are stacked in the gutters, always between two lamps. There is an avenue adjacent, where the Belgian ironware would be safe from damage by citizens heads and toes. It is no exaggeration to affirm that dozens of people have oome "croppers" in Tinakori-road. ♦ » * It is unspeakably filthy to allow these rails in the gutter. The street refuse blows against them, and is stacked up in decaying heaps. One would have thought that, after the death of the man in Adelaide-road, the menace to life and limb would be removed. It seems to us the contractors have free license to impede the progress and endanger the limbs of citizens. Quite a number of Welljngtonians — prosperous. hearty Wellingtonians — have been visiting the Old Country and the Continent during the last twelve months. Being New Zealanders. all of them are public speakers, and all of them take the first opportunity of pointing out things that everybody has read about in Saturday supplements many years ago. One very stout Welhngtonian, who returned last Tuesday week and who was consequently banquetted as if he had spent the money on the poor instead of himself, remarked that of all the places he had seen, Lake Geneva and also Lake Leman were the most charming. A travelled friend sitting alongside remarked that the two places were synonymous. The withering look the traveller cast on the informer will remain a glad memory to us while our health holds. Cuttingly, he replied: "Ah! So you may think, sir — so you may think! But, from m~ point of view, I consider Lake Geneva to be far the most synonymous of the two '" * "♦ ♦ Mary had a motor once, 'Twas painted white as snow, Wherever Mary wanted to The motor wouldn't go. ♦ * * "You'd better give that girl the sack !" Thus the brutal Thorndon husband as he tied his sprained wrist up with a serviette, and glared at the adamantine chop upon his dinnerplate. He rules that household, and there is no appeal. If he says "sack," sack it is. The wife, who loves the servant like a sister, having been able to retain her esteemed services for a fortnight (counting Sundav^ carried out his instructions. Although the said servant was out having her music lesson on the morning of the fateful ch~~ incident the husband has not yet been advised that the said chop was cooked by the dainty hands of his wife. Thus do the innocent suffer.

The Auckland "Champion" Flour Mills wired to King Dick the other day that the Russian Admiral had cabled for a supply or their "Standard" muscle raisei. Should they aid and abet the Bear by sending ? King Dick wired back that w hat the Bear wanted most was a ship-raiser, and not a muscle-raiser, warned them not to send it, or they might feel fit enough to come and take Ihe mill. * * * It is more pathetic than amusing to watch old age pensioners "lining up" for their money at the money-order office on pension day. So many of them seem fearful that some obstacle may intervene and sighs of relief are audible when the busy clerk pays the money over. Here comes a white-haired, benevolent old man, long past the "allotted span," agitated by a nervous complaint that vibrates through every limb. "Sign here!" Easy for the clerk, but what an effort to the old maji. The extra excitement emphasises Ins complaint, and an undecipherable signature is pathetic evidence of his fitness for the needed dole. » ♦ * Bang' goes the door, and, with the tread of a Grenadier, a lady, in a bonnet long since past its youth, marches up. "Oi want me pmsion, young feller, me lad 1" she says, with the gleam of battle in her eyes. "You don't write, do you ?" asks the clerk. "I do not, young mahn. When 01 was a shhp of a cawlyeen — ■" but the whirling clerk gets her signatory cross, holding the pen, pays her, and listens not to a torrent of "airly" history. ♦ * * A cab drives up. A little old lady, with a face like a winter apple, and without a grey hair, descends with great difficulty. She might be a marchioness. She has ancient and valuable jewellery on, and a rich but antediluvian mantle. The calls the clerk "sir " in a cultured Scotch accent, and you only conclude that she is not a scion of a wealthy squatting family by seeing the dole handed over. Barely able to reach the counter, she yet writes her name in fine "Italian" caligraphy. What tales of troublous times these old people could tell you if they would ! What histories are written in their minds ! They are only seen in public on pension days, and it is gladdening to know that what they get they have earned, and are able to accept as a right, and not a charity. • • # How sensational that the Te Awaite victim was shot by an unseen hcind with smokeless powder. Some people would like to believe that the murderer specially procured a charge of the rare and costly smokeless stuff at great trouble. Probably it was common cordite, the ordinary military loading of a .303 mark IV.' bullet, which makes a mn hole at entrance, and a ghastly wound at exit. Which reminds us that the common, smooth-nosed .303 bullet, if rasped flat— r the nickel being filed off — produces a like effect. The Mark IV. bullet is commonly used at most shootine- butts and is, of course, easily obtained. * * * Under Britain's new act, designed to help the child slaves of Britain, "it shall be unlawful to employ any child under the age of fourteen years in any industry between the hours s of 9 p.m. and 6 a.m." That is to say, children under fourteen may be worked from 6 in the morning till 9 at night. And yet they are lamenting over the decadence of the British physique, and makms laws to cope with, it!

There will be a rush on the Last Day among the photographers. The honour of snapping the herald blowing the last trump will be eagerly contested. Melbourne "Punch" puts a su^nositious case emphasising the brazen cheek of the man with the bulb — "Admiral Alexieff had come from the ships which where safely locked iup and bottled in Port Arthur, with a view of supervising the operations of the army on land, and the Japanese General had his men well posted facing the foe. A great battle was imminent. The mighty guns fi owned on each other from adjacent hills, the two hundred thousand soldiers waited in a strained attitude the word that would precipitate the terrible carnage. * * * ''Suddenly, there appeared in the valipj between the opposing armies a very small man, bearing a small, flag of truce. Indeed, it was a pocket handkerchief tied to a walkmg-stick. 'Ah, ah!' cried the Viceroy, "the Japs are Jack; ihey wish to capitulate.' And he cantered down to the small man. 'Ho, ho!' said the Japanese General, 'the Muscovites fear us , they send a flag of truce and a prayer for mercy.' And he, too, trotted down to the small man. 'Gentlemen,' said the intruder, 'will you kindly delay this great battle for a few seconds, and pose your respective armies in good striking attitudes? I am the special photographer for the "Bog-Hollow Standard," and I'd like to get an effective picture.' " * * * On the night of the 29th February it rained as you remember. It rained furiously. Many people got wet. Some people were wet internally as well as outwardly. Several hilarious youths, caueht in the downpour, cast about for shelter. What they required more than shelter, however, was fun. Behold then a pink and white advertisement umbrella suspended from a hook over a shop in Manners-street. Here was shelter. A bold youth unshipped the gorgeous rain defier, and the whole party proceeded on its way sheltered under rainbow hues, tuneful, ha^and as staid as possible under the combination of moist circumstances. * ♦ « Came down Manners-stieet, at a twelve-mile "bat," a gentleman who claimed to own that umbrella, and charged into the shelterers, demanding restitution of advertising risrhts, or payment for depreciation. Five shillings was named as the covering sum, but the proffer of two florins made matters no better very quickly. The silent tread of a large minion of the law hastened the payment of the disputed shilling. Queer thine was that the alleged owner of the umbrella took to his heels with a celerity equalled by the combined scoot of the roysterers so that when the policeman, reached the battleground the enemy had left but a wet pavement. Those young men have since found out they were bled by a ioker who didn't own. the umbrella at all. * * * A usually peaceful little Jap launderer in Melbourne was fined 30s and costs for unruly behaviour in a public street last week. Seems that_ a furrier's emporium had a big bear in the doorway, and it annoyed Jappy so inordinately that he tore a paling off a fence, and lterally "knocked the stuffing" out of the Russian national animal. It took half-a-dozen civilians and! a policeman to take Jappv away from the wreck of sawdust and fur.

Deai Lance. — Your remarks last « eek re our new Governor's relationship to Guinness, of stout fame, recalls the comment of an American who was shown over Dublin some years ago. Among the sights was a church — a very ancient one — renovated at Mr. Guinness's exEen.se. Next, he was shown some school uildmgs erected also by Mr. Guiness. Lastly, he was taken over the famous brewery. When he and his friend emerged after sampling some nine-year-old stout, he drawlingly remarked: 'Mr. Gum-ness is a wonderful man — wonderful. I see he provides education, salvation, and damnation, for the people of Dublin." — Yours, J.A.K. • • * A pious show heralded itself a while back, and the little town it threatened was promised an improving time. The sympathy of the clergy and the laymen was gathered in, and, as the town was unusually churchy, the show was promised a real boom. Somehow, the people got delayed. However, a company of strollers, who had arrived the previous night, and who were not pious as the term is ordinarily accepted, simply took the hall and faced four parsons, 125 laymen who occasionally preached, sixteen Sunday-school teachers, and their sixteen V.M.C.A. young men besides a large number of persons who had never told a lie, and had never seen a play. • • • The ladies of the show pirouetted to the footlights, and winked comprehensive 1 " they kicked 9ft 4Jin in height, and sang songs that are not in the ''Ancient and Modern" hymn-book. In fact, they did the ordinary things that vaudevillians always do. Everybody applauded, as it was undea- the auspices of the parsons and therefore must be all right, but when a shocked clergyman arose, and, holding his coattail to his eyes, rushed out, followed by three others, the people "smelt a rat." They also "cleared." As they had paid their money at the door, the vaudevillians didn't mind the short and merry performance. You must not talk about that show to the parsons of Waiwaka now. • • • While on a car saw a lady crossing Ingestre-street on a recent muddy day, her arms full of parcels. Many peaches fell from a bae she had. While she was in sight, standing helplessly and appealingly there, of all the dozens of people who were passing, and saw her dilemma, not one went to her assistance. Which does not say much for the manners, of the average crowd. • • • The allegorical plaster design over the front of Wellington's fine new Town EMI <! fearfully and wonderfully out of ''drawing." There is a smilesome plaster lady in the centre, and two plaster gentlemen, one on each side of her, are rudely shaking hands with one another, evidently unconscious of her presence. The gentleman on the left has an arm longer than his leg, and viewed from a distance, one quite forgets the plaster people in. admiration of the superb size of the limbs which dominate the design. If about eighteen inches of the lefthand gentleman's right arm were cut off, the artistic effect would be materially enhanced. Gentlemen with limbs like those under review would make a name for themselves in the sparring world. Their exhaustive "reach" would make it impossible for a normally-limbed puorilist to get anywhere near their features.

One might think that the common slang phrase "pulling your leg" is modern Yankee. It is, however, old Scotch. J. M. Barrie both in "A Window in Thrums" and "Auld Licht Idylls," often lets his characters say "He canna draw my leg." Wellington is very well served with milk as a general tlnnf and the probabilities are that it would stand analysis showing that it wasn't adulterated with water. A while back milk left over from day to day was either fed to pigs or destioyed. Now-a-days, boracic acid in larger quantities than is quite reasonable is used as a preservative. There is no particular harm in boracic acid — to an adult ; but, to small children the pioportion used by some milk vendors in Wellington milk is productive of disorder, and io, according to the medical men, responsible for the prevalence of infantile dysentery. You will find m making coffee with last night's Wellington milk that the undue proportion of acid makes the whole curdle, and renders it quite undrinkable. The matter wants- looking into. * ♦ • At some charitable Northern tableaux the other day one fine group was shown called ''Where our Dick places New Zealand." A Maori lady was squatting on the front of the stage, and the rest of the Empire, represented by other ladies, was practically nowhere. King Dick has 800,000 subjects who know that the grouping was a fair thing. * * • He was a tall man, wearing spectacles, and he had an accent that had at some remote period been blended with American. He wanted our money and our life. He talked to us for two hours twenty minutes, and he preached us a sermon with texts in it, and was sad when we were sad and gladdened at our gladness. "Why don't the parsons preach life assurance in the pulpitsi?" he asked, with tears rolling down his cheeks, and a hopeful tremble in his voice. ''Why don t Parliament make it compulsory for everybody to insure in my office ? Why don't the phonographs talk of my office? Why don't the dogs bark it, and the parrots repeat it," We gave the wink to the office boy to ring up the doctor. Restorative measures having been applied to us, two strone porters seized the insurance man, and tied his jaw up with a bullock chain. The chain sna^r>ed. » * * Late on Saturday night, one of the Newtown 'buses was crowded, and a tired-looking woman with a pathetic little bundle under her cape was amongst the late-comers who found places in the aisle. A fat man, who was also among those who stood, looked at her compassionately. There was a rustle under her cape. "Keep still, dear, keep still/ she said, sadly. The fat man could stand it no longer. "Why don't one of you young ohaps ,give up a seat to this lady with a baby?" he growled. Thus goaded, two or three sheepish young men offered their seats, and the tired woman sank gratefully into one of them. Then it was that a tousled-headed, rough-haired terrier poked his nose from under the cape, and barked at the fat man.

Mixed metaphor from a mid-island paper : — "The Japanese monkey has reversed the usual position. The Monkej has stolen the Bear's nuts." • # * Girls of frugal mind, who agitate the keyboard of a piano, and who haven't any too much money to spend in new music, have a way of overcoming the difficulty sometimes. Heard the other day that a Poneke damsel usually buys two new songs at a time, and pays for them spot cash. "I will try them when I get home," she sweetly smiles. "If I don't like them, may I exchange them to-morrow?" The answer is invariably "Yes." Then, she gets to work and copies the new songs, returns the originals, and obtains other ones in exchange. As she does this frequently, the music corner will soon have to be extended.

Queer coincidence. At Adelaide recently a constable had a severe chase, with firearms in it, after a notorious criminal, and after much trouble captured him, and took him in. a cab to the watch-house. Constable, cabby, and criminal were all named Patrick McCabe ! » * * Little lots of paper, fieaded 1.0. U., Ever bring the Christian Closer to the Jew. Polyeamy is not in great favour now-a-days with our Maori sisters and brothers. A fascinating chocolate warrior up North had two wives who were constantly throwing kumeras at each other, and requesting locks of hair per medium of garden rakes. So heated became the arguments of the rivals for the undivided affection of the mahogany Adonis that the kainga was far from restful. The sound of Maori swears and falling kumeras made life unbearable. One night the village arose, and, by force, took both women each to her respective and distant tribe. The Adonis, whose fatal beauty is the cause, is now doomed to grass widowerhood. To show their dislike of his polygamous leanings, the natives have given him warning that, should he take even one more wife, she will be immediately turned out of the settlement. Which is drastic, and shows that the dual betterhalf business is unpopular.