ENTRE NOUS

Free Lance, Volume IV, Issue 192, 5 March 1904, Page 12

ENTRE NOUS

WHO is the vivid aitist who writes up the Wellington Musical Festival of October last for the London 'Musical Times" of January? Whoever he is, his "'purple patches" are really immense Just listen to this • "We turned away hundreds of pounds, as the police ordered us to close the doors when the people weie standing four deep eveiy where. It was a great sight. The Opera House was jammed to the doors every night, and it holds 1700 people thus packed. The tickettakers, with an experience of fourteen years, tell me that they have never known anything like the rush on any other occasion. At the pit and family oircle entrances people literally fought for tickets, and one of our committeemen had his dress-coat torn from his back in trying to stem the rush." Good old Wellington. * * * Japan is a queer country. The nimble Jap starts his letter at the bottom of a page, and writes upwards, and he also gets out of bed head-first. He mounts his horse on the off-side, and builds his bungalow roof first. Now, all Government concerns including railways, are going to be taken over by joint-stock Companies. The Jap seems to be consistent in working things from the leverse end. No Jap ever thinks of putting his socks on first. He always assumes his hat when he gets out of bed. Likewise, he would think a cold shower-bath anything but refreshing, preferring a bath in water up to 160 degrees Fah. They have recently tried to come downstairs from the bottom step, but up to now haven't succeeded. Nearly all Japanese youngsters grow whiskers before teethrag. * * * One-time Westralian repoiter A. G. Hales who got a captaincy in the Macedonian revolutionary force, soon resigned it. "Smiler" has gone to find out the truth about the Russo-Japan-ese bother. We'd dearly love "Smiler" to give us the Russian side of the war game It would be so dependable, » * # Dr. Harry Dean Bamford, LL.D., who has just been appointed law lecturer to the Auckland University College, is remarkable as being the youngest man in New Zealand to hold the degree He took his university course in Auckland, all the time doing the routine work as clerk in a law office. He took his B.A. degree as soon as his age permitted, and subsequently M.A. and LL.D. He was the New Zealand delegate to the Universities Conference held in London a few months since, and has now nailed up his shingle in the Queen City Dr Bamford is the son of the Registrar of Deeds in Auckland, who is also a barrister. The father of the Registrar of Deeds was a barrister. The male parent of the father of the Registrar of Deeds was also a barrister. Consequently, tbe learned Doctor can't help it.

A boy was born down South the other day, and he wasn't called "Richaid John," winch, in itself, is enough to toe s attention on him. His Excellency the Governor and Sir Joseph Waid happened to be near-by wLpxi young Kennedy, of Winton, arrived. The pioud fathei, who is a councillor, called him John lVlaik Ward Kennedy, a dehc ite comp iment to both gieat men. He possibly hesitated to tack on the Governoi's front name, Uchtei , and contented himself with the lemainderof His Excellency's Christian name 5 # • * Mi. E Metcalfe Smith, cf Taianalu iionsand fume, M.H.R. for New Plymouth, and formerly turncock-in-chief to that borouoh, is ' dead agin" the earl} closing of public houses on occasions. Not that "E. M." is not a highly moral citizen, but because the said closing mteifeies with the liberty of the subject Thus At a banquet on 23rd February the New Plymouth statesman was only at about the second hurdle of his orator oil steep echase when the whitefaced piopnetor tiptced in, "Ten o'clock, gents'" The sacrilege of cutting short a brilliant declamation that hadn't even got down to the poetry, hit E. M. a deadly blow. "What say if we break this 'ere lor to close 'otels at ten o'clock?" he asked, and the thousands who hung upon ..& words asked themselves, 'What say ?" too * * # The Inan?ahua "Times" has an exp'a'iatory paragraph :—"lt: — "It appears we were in error in stating that Lady Sykes accompanied her husband in his travels. The lady whom we mistook for his wife is Madame de E'chteiveld, a Geiman M.D." It mieht be placed in your collection of "Things that might have been expressed differently." The Franco-German spelling is the "Times's." * * * The man who told us saw it in a comic paper so long ago that he really thinks he is the originator of it. He may have wanted the sixpence to get his hair cut or a wash, or I^e may have lequned medicine. He said that a grown niece cf his is uncommonly fond of the company of a young local business man with some cash. Also, that for the sake of the proprieties the said niece always takes a sister's girl child into the spooning-room with her. The company in the adjoining room last Wednesday night were tickled to hear the telling voice of the little girl saying jealously, '"Kiss me too, auntie'" "You should say "twice," dear, not 'two" lemarked auntie. And the man felt that the situation had been saved. Smart girl that! " ' * * # Wellington streets aie probably the dirtiest thoroughfares in the Empire. The whole of Wellington resembles a hu^e stable-yard, and the air is full of pulverised matter that ought to be fertilising somebody's garden. One or two aged men certainly do poke slowly around with brooms, but, on the whole, the city is distinctly unscavenged. and generally waits for a good downfall of rain to wash the streets clean and fill the drains with filth. The city has no modern scavenging appliances. It moons along with a worn-out broom and an antiquated barrow, and allows citizens to be filled to the chin with a combination of vile particles that prob materially help to swell the population m Karori cemetery. Tramway contract or no, it is a crime against decency to allow the accumulations of decaying particles in a city which believes itself to be marching in the van of progiess

Johnny Wunser, of the Thorndon School, was firing pellets of paper through a tube, and so he wasn't taking much notice of the schoolmaster. The said schoolmaster was explaining that before one could move a foot or any member, the bra.n had to telegraph its desire to that member." Johnny heard, but he was fixing a paper "feather" in a pen. He was going to throw a dart when the master's back was turned. The master's eagle eye saw the young rascal in the act of casting the dart, and called him out. . ''Hold out your hand l Johnny merely grinned. "Why don't you hold out your hand?" "I'm waiting for the telegram from me brain, sir." But the answer didn't save him. * * * There is one comedian over in Australia who is not joining in the universal anthem of praise about New Zealand. He has just returned fiom this side, and says our theatre dressing-rooms are usually hen roosts. "You have to chase half a hundied of poultry out of the place before you can begin to fix yourself," he whines. The newspaper man who received this information wonders at our childlike trust in allowing poultry to stray within reach of a strolling theatrical company. Talk about coincidences ! The very day the Russians were defeated by the Japs at Port Aithur, ex-M.H.R. Captain Napier, of the Auckland Coastguards, held a r>arade of his company ! * * * It is said that the recent long spell of dry weather slumped milk delivery shares, and that more than one Knight of the Can succumbed. Right down from pre-historic ages it has been, found that waterless milk is unprofitable, but now that Wainui-o-mata is full to the brim, why should dairy produce go up in price. It is one of the mysteries of life. Tell us not in mournful numbers Life is but an empty dream, For the man is mad who grumbles At water floating on his cream. * • * About two months ago the City Council thought it would be really kind of them to give the people of Constablestreet a decent footpath. Also, it concluded that many hundreds of pounds spent on the traffic-way of the said street would be well spent. The Council knew, of course, of the public works that would necessitate the reopening of that road, but they went ahead. The result was an excellent footpath (the only one in Newtown) and an excellent road (also the only one). * * * Now, the Council answered the de^ mand for decent footpaths in and about town by the assertion that it would be false economy to make them, seeing that they would so soon be picked up again, and straightway hie them to Constablestreet, where they do many hundreds of pounds' worth of absolutely unnecessary work. The footpath is now a series of excavations, and the road, which was the best in Wellington, bar nothing, is beginning to resemble a huge graveyard with mounds every few yards. If the Council were asked to explain it, they could do it to their entire satisfaction. Still, that wouldn't prevent the people from regarding their methods as asinine.

Lord Brassey, the bluff peer who used to figurehead Victoria, has been haled, before a Bench at Home. Probably, you didn't think it of his ruddy lordship. Seems that he lode a bike without a light, and the Hastings policeman at cnce haled him to court. Curious thing was that the presiding; "beak" Mas the ex-Governor's son-in-'aw. ''Has Lord Brassey been convicted before? Is anything known, against the defendant's character?" To which the prosecuting police inspector replied, "No, sir." * * * Lecturing the scorcher on the error of his ways, Magistrate Egerton fined him "a shilling and costs." Then, the clerk of the court flippantly interjected, 'In default of distress any time allowed to pay it in, sir?" But, a grim Bench said that if the estate of the defendant didn't pan out the required amount a commitment order would have to be made, which is highly funny considering the well-known inability of Baron Brassey to see a joke. » * • Sample of the kindly feelings expressed by the Eketahuna paper towards a contemporary : — ''We would strongly recommend him (the rival editor) to undergo an. aqua pura course. It would elevate his instincts, purify his blood, stimulate his brain tissue, normalise his cuticle, adjust his judgment, enable him to play cricket for three^ or four hours "without saturating himself with beer, and tone him up all round." * * * Education is free, secular, and compulsory in New Zealand. This is a copy of a notice stuck on a gate accessible from a highway of the educated country aforesaid • — "Notice. — Any persons goes on this farm gets blue paper. If anyone goes on this farm without asking anyone, goes through this fence, or goes over tlrs gate, will not <*et any further, because this farm belongs to ." Which is nearly as clear as an average New Zealand statute. * * * "Spare me half-an-hour, old chap?" Thus a young man-ab out-town to a fiiend in business. The business man threw down his pen, exneeting the usual "comeanaveadrink," but the friend merely took him, to a church with nobody much besides a parson and a girl there, and asked him to "see him through." Fifteen minutes later the friend was back in his office. The man-about-town had said : "So long, Gertie ; see you again," and the girl picked up a friend, and went on with her shopping. Fairly casual style about colonial weddings. The presence of a pair of mules in a town up-country forces an astonished paragraph out of the local paper. Said "they seemed to fully appreciate their position." As if a mule was born to do anything else. Queer thing that the horse-ass hybiid isn't used in New Zealand. A horse is an absolute "waster" as a pack animal in precipitous or boggycountry in comparison with a mule. A mule is certainly hardier, and much stronger for his size. He doesn't eat much, and is immune from most horse sicknesses. Likewise, some of him grow to enoimous size. We have seen mules seventeen hands high, that could kick their own weight, and make more noise than Cable's boiler shop in full blast.

Some papers pay for quaint advertisements clipped from the dailies. Thus, we hear oi needy journalists paying Is 6d for the insertion of dreadful pars, m the agony columns, clipping them, and sending them to the papers that pay. Maybe, the following, clipped from a down-country paper, is one of them. Perhaps not: — "Wanted. — A Governess for three girls. Fascination of manners and symmetry of form objected to, as the father is much at home, and there are grown-un sons. — Mater." A propos of "wanted" advertisements, we note that a bush contractor requires "two strong youths as apprentices to the cross-cutting , board and lodging found." The philanthropy of that contractor can't be gauged in a nenspapei. "Fact is, old man, I'm in X's will." He came into the office, and said so, and the person he said it to believed him because there was such a convincing atmosphere of whisky about him. Seeing that X owned two hotels and a row of cottages in Brooklyn, the loan of £25 was easily effected. Somehow that £25 didn't come forward as soon as it was promised. The lender remarked to a friend that he'd heard that the borrower was in X's will. "So he is ;so am I. Both of us witnessed it." * * * The coolest man in Wellington is an old sea captain. There is only one thing on earth he is frightened of, and so he didn't get married. A tale is told about him and the only burglar who ever tackled his house when, five years ago, he lived in the South Island. The skipper heard a rustling in his room, and reached for a match. He struck it, and found that a strange man was going through his trousers pocket. 'Hello, my man, what are you after?" he asked, with a pleasant smile. "Nothin'!" "Oh, that's all right," said the skipper, blowing out the light. "You'll find it m the trousers pocket." • • * Noticeable that Australian papers, which howled about the Seddon_ national purse as an iniquity, are supporting the testimonial fund to ex-Premier Irvine. They very lkely with reason, assert that he is being paid for "work and labour done." and is as worthy of his hire as the great soldiers of the Empire. Lord Roberts got a dot of £100,000, and Kitchener £50,000 from the nation. Therefore, Irvine should get a subscribed sum by canvas. Nearly all the Spanish men-o'-war sunk at the Phillipmes during the Span-ish-American hysterics have been raised again, and, of course, the woild was fearfully and wonderfully anxious to know what sort of shooting the terrible dynamite and other guns of America had done. Everyone thought, of course, that the boats were sunk with pea-shell-ing ease by the deftly-handled guns of Dewey's dreadful heroes. As a matter of cold fact, none of them were damaged to any appreciable extent. The brave Spaniards, seeing that they couldn't hope to fight them, merely turned on the sea-cocks, and sunk under water. Reminiscent of the fearful havoc lyddite was alleged to have caused in the late pro-Chow business deal in South Africa the whole Boer army was killed many times over by lyddite. As a matter of fact, the Boer ladies used to go bv excursion trains to see the "fireworks," which they always regarded as almost harmless, as, indeed, they provbe. Some of these days people will accept one sixteenth of war news as leasonable.

A celebrated counsel, who has hooked many a criminal from the^ hands of the gaoler, has given up defending burglars. One of them, recently stole £4 6s 8d out of his office cash-box. Seems to us the easiest way to get even would be to defend every burglar who wanted his services, and burgle his banking account per bill of costs. * * # "There aie a lot of women and girls in the gallery," said Mr. Justice Williams before the hearing of a certain assault case at Dunedin, the other day. "Clear them out," he said, and they cleared. There is only one decent beach within reasonable distance of the city, and it is at Evans Bay. Everybody knows that the beach, and possibly the sea in the vicinity, is privately owned, and has an eight-wired fence on it — a hoiror permitted in no other part of the earth. Also, that men gallop horses along the said beach, endangering the lives of the Sunday-playing youngsters who frequent it. These are, however, small horrors compared to the new one. Men with guns now take Sunday off, and stroll along the foreshore, and bang away at sea birds. It is illegal to shoot sea birds, anyhow and it is also illegal to fire guns close to dwellinghouses. We don't know if it is illegal to shoot over the heads of playing children, but perhaps it is. Some of the sports of Wellington should have a

jam-tm stuck on a post in the gaol yard to shoot at where the wall is high. They would be nearer the police, anyhow. * * * Not generally known that, although dentists have few vices (most of them being prohibition), many of them have a strange habit. Maybe economy is the reason. We entered a local dentist's chamber of horrors the other morning, and were told that Mr. X was under gas. Questioning him on his recovery, he said it was a pity to waste it. After the "gassing" of a patient, should any he left the dentist consumes it. Many dentists could no more do without their daily tipple of gas than a prohibited person could do without his alcohol. » * * Country papers are notifying people that absolutely refuse to answer telephoned questions about the war. So keen are people in the country to know how many Russian ships have been sunk that they save a humble penny by getting the results before the paper is out, which practice must be put down, say the papers.